2009.... glad to see you go

I dunno what to say about this year, I mean on so many levels it sucked, and continued to suck right up until now. I was lucky enough to get a wonderful christmas gift from my employer of 13 years as I was part of a reduction in workforce a week before the 25th. I was in shock, but now I think if a company can do that to someone, and not just me, that close to Christmas, then I don't think I need to be there anymore. Funny thing is Tami called it, she told me that if anything happens to her that I should get out of there... I can her her saying "told you so, didn't I". So I look towards 2010 to hopefully bigger and better things.

Dont get me wrong, there have been small moments of okayness in '09, but all the badness seems out weight all of it. I just have to point my nose forward towards 2010 and hope for smoother sailing. I wont forget things in the past that I have been through, but I think its my turn to have a little positive come about. I know I have to work hard to make it happen, and I will... but I need my luck to change to... enough of this "if it can go wrong it will", time to move forward on many fronts.

I have things to look forward to, personal projects, new and old friends coming into my life, a new job... I am moving forward... I will come out of this okay, 2010 will be my year or I will die trying ;)

See you all next year! :) Happy New Year..... gawd I hope so...

The holidays... they suck rocks

I love Christmas, love love love it, I know people bitch about the costs, the busy stores, the cold weather, etc, but I love it... I love putting up lights, the tree decorations, making cookies with the kids, all of it. But this year its a little tougher, the Christmas movies with the sappy moments are impossible for me to watch right now, I can only do a little bit at a time, its hard to dress up the house for me a couple dogs and a cat.

I think I have pushed myself pretty hard to move forward, and its all rushing back on me now. I think I stepped places I wasn't ready to step yet, but I am always pushing myself harder than I should, putting higher expectations up for myself than I do others. I am trying to pull the reins in a little and focus on myself, something I am not good at, its tough cuz I dont think everyone gets that, I mean get the token "I lost someone too, I know what its like" but really I dont know how it is for them, they dont know how it is for me.

Thanksgiving went well, better than I expected, I managed to make Tami's stuffing, it was a little too moist and over seasoned, but I saw people go back for seconds, whether they were pitty seconds I dont know, I doubt it though. Everything went well though. I had a good time, I think the kids did as well. I got to hold 2 babies at once while everyone else ate, 2 babies that Nana never got to old, and I feel horribly guilty about that... and I hope nobody saw my eyes get a little juicy, I moved alot so I dont think anyone noticed...

I started Christmas shopping, each year it seems we gain more grandbabies, and each year money is spread a little thinner, this year doubly so, I'm not complaining, besides the fact I would like to buy everyone everything they want, but I am thinking I will have to be pretty skimpy, I know its not the amount you buy or spend, but I always like watching the kids open up presents, and the more they have to open the longer they stay at the house...

I still dont know how I am gonna make it thru the next couple months, sometimes I feel like I am having trouble breathing, I can feel myself stressed beyond belief, I stop communicating mid conversation just cuz I ball up on the couch, and they get mad at me, but there is nothing I can do, I gotta do what I gotta do or I wont make it through Christmas Eve alone... New years Eve alone, I have to, I have to do this year alone so maybe next year I can do them with someone...

PS, if you noticed you have to log in to leave a comment now, sorry but someone was hitting older posts with spam so I had to do it.

Citizen Norm

So today I went for my Interview for Citizenship in Chicago, and I am now unofficially an American Citizen, I still have to go for my ceremony in Springfield the next time the do one, but my application was approved today. It's a little bittersweet, like everything else, I know it was important to Tami that I get that done, and I did, but she wasn't here to see it. It's nice to have another thing off the worry list though, specially this time of year.

Next up? Thanksgiving dinner... ack! It hit me a couple days ago that I have to pull all this together with out her, I was always a gopher and she was the planner, now I have to do both, means cooking stuff I don't even eat, and I have to sit down with Tami's instructional video we made last year on how to make her stuffing. I am sure everything will be fine, as fine as it can be, but its just another one of those firsts to bust through.

November 16th

Happy Birthday Tami...

Here we are...

It's still so surreal everyday, everything that happens to me, everything I go thru, good and bad. Here I am closing in on 9 months, Tami's Birthday, Thanksgiving. Just when I think everything is going fine it all hits me all over again. I guess the toughest thing for me now is over analyzing myself, questioning my actions, judging myself. It's not like I am doing anything bad, its just moving forward and trying to determine if I am doing things right, I know I am the only one that will know what that is, and nobody else's opinion should impact that, that said I am my own worst critic.

Me and Tami talked about so much, and I dont know what if any of it she shared with others close to her, about how she wanted me to move forward, to carry on, to act going forward. So many things seem so very uncomfortable without her around, and what is so very disturbing at times is the things that are starting to feel comfortable without her. I know that's part of the healing and that is where I am supposed to be headed, but it feels like I am lossing little bits of Tami by becoming independent of her.

So here I am, trying to find myself in this new environment, trying to figure out who I am now, and where I am heading, so tough looking back and seeing all the little forks in the road and where they might have taken you, and looking forward realizing how profound choices are it makes it tough to move, and then when you do, peoples reactions can send you into a head spin just thinking of what might or could happen. It really comes down to being a very daunting task heading out alone.

Isn't it sad...

Isn't it sad the the roots of Chemotherapy can be traced back to the use of Mustard gas used to kill people back in World War I, the fact that we spend so much on military and killing people and we accidentally found out it can help with Cancer, Imagine where we would be if all that money was spent in the War on Cancer. Dont take me wrong, I am not naive, I know that we need a military, that the world is not mature enough to survive without military might, but just take a second to imagine what the collective world powers could do with Cancer if they really tried... nice dream isnt it.

8 months later and I am still kicking... another first down, awaiting the next...

Happy Aniversary Tami...

14 years ago today...

Entering Fall...

So the weekend before last was the Apple Pork Fest in Clinton, me and Tami would go every year, I would usually complain about it but we always went and it was always fun regardless. Luckily this year I was able to trick Deb into going with me, I had asked her a while back if she would help me close the pool. So she came down that same weekend, helped me close the pool and we went and walked around the festival for a while. It was a good time. And that Sunday turned out to be a great day.

Beyond that I have been doing pretty good, keeping busy with the new position at work, and trying to adjust my personal life from eating out every meal to getting back to cooking for myself, which hasn't been easy, or the least bit successful. I am feeling like its about time for another family get-together, maybe a spaghetti night or something.

Its hard to believe its Fall already, that the leaves are turning and that its almost what would have been mine and Tami's 14th anniversary. I did decide to do something special for it. One of Tami's biggest fears is that she would eventually be forgotten or not thought about. It was hard to comfort her and assure her that wouldn't happen. So here we are close to the 14th and it hit me, I always wanted a Tattoo, I never knew of what really, probably something goofy or geeky knowing me, but then it hit me "Nothing Else Matters". It made perfect sense. What better way to make sure everyone knew I would never forget by wearing that on my arm forever. I couldn't think of a better way. So a friend turned me on to "I'm no Angel" in Peoria with an artist named Wanda who had been doing this for 20+ years. Every bit of it was a perfect experience, during the design she knew what wanted better than I did, and she was a funny and all around great person to have given me my first tattoo. Did it hurt? Inside my arm was pretty tender but lets say what Tami went thru for a year and a half makes anything I have did that night pail in comparison.

My mom will probably ground me when she finds out but that's ok, wont be the first time :).

Hello all

Hello blog world, well it's 11pm on a Sunday, probably the worst time of the week, the weekends over, any fun or excitement I had this weekend has dwindled away. Everyone is asleep or heading to bed shortly, the work week is about to take off and I am just alone, so I figured I'd come post more randomness.

I was thinking about this blog the other day, and the fact that I have not changed much about what Tami set up sometime ago when she began her fight. And I was thinking that maybe it would be misleading if someone new came along and started reading it only to see where it is at now.

Now lets say even if I wanted to edit the description of the blog that I could, what would I put, I dont think anything but what Tami wrote fits any better. At first thought you might think that she lost the battle, and certainly she was taken away from me, all of us, but I like to think she won it the only way she could. She beat cancer the only way she could in the fact that it no longer causes her pain or makes her suffer.

I would hope that this blog would give others strength and hope, even though its outcome isn't the best case scenario, sometimes things just dont work out the way we want them to. I know that she has given me so many gifts to move forward in life.

So there you go, some random musings once again, sitting here alone and thinking about everything and nothing at all.

Good Night All, and have a good week...

Patrick Swayze and other random musings....

We lost yet another one, I am sure everyone heard about Patrick Swayze of course. It should just be an eye opener to everyone how deadly and how little we really know about cancer. I still feel bad, when someone mentioned Patrick Swayze way back when, how terrible it was he had cancer, and I would say something like I wish we had all his money to deal with it, it didn't help him, and after his TV special when he talked about his ordeal and how it mirrored Tami's I knew that money doesn't buy love, or life.

Fun Patrick Swayze Memory

So I'm doin pretty good, I feel like I really mad a big turn at 6 months, as well as some things I have read and just all the self-reflection my free time allows. The big thing is what do I want to do with this part of my life, dwell on sadness or turn my attention towards taking what good I can from everything and make a better person out of myself. I think the second one sounds better. That has nothing to do with forgetting Tami or anything like that, that would never happen, but I need to take her advice, and move forward, find people and things to channel myself in. I asked Nancy at work if I could run next year, so next year I will do the Bloomington to Peoria run for St Jude again, I want to be active in the fund raising and make a difference. On that note, Sept 28 is "The Big Day" at all Chilli restaurants, all proceeds from that day go to St Jude's so treat yourself to dinner or lunch that day.

Anyways, as I said I am doin good, work has been hectic, but thats good for me, I made a freind or 2 and its good to talk with someone my age and that can relate to me on an adult level, not that I would trade my discussion of the Bloomington sewage treatment plant with McKayla and Korban for the world, but you know, a freind is a nice thing to have.

You also might have noticed I am not updating every weekend, I am trying to break my cycles, to do things when I feel like it, not because I scheduled it. Anyways, thanks to everyone that stops by and leaves a comment of support, its all really appreciated even still.

6 months...

So for those of you not on my Facebook, here is a link to a little video I put together.

Tribute to Tami

As well, here is a link to the Kenny Wallace Fan car he ran in Montreal this weekend, I had Tami's name put on there, and she ended up top row, almost in the middle on the hood, pretty cool.

Kenny Wallace Fan Car

So here we are at 6 months, it still boggles my mind that we are, one, even here doing this, two that I have been doing it for 6 months. I really braced myself for the 28th. I mean really prepped myself for the worst. I was kinda down most of the week, then come Friday morning, I woke up to a gloomy rainy day and thought, Tami would be pissed that I am giving this day any credit at all, and she would be right. It's tough not to count, but then I am doing what she told me not to do, and that is to keep living in cancer.

I feel like I might have turned a corner Friday, of course soon as I say that I will be curled up in the corner in the fetal position, but right now I feel like I want to move forward, I want to start living with the tings I learned from this whole experience, to take what good is possible out of this and make myself a better person. That doesn't mean I stop thinking about, loving or remembering Tami. Heck I will never stop loving Tami, anyone that might come into my life in the future will have to accept that, and to be honest I wouldn't want any friends in my life that couldn't understand and/or accept that. I am who I am today because of Tami, nothing can change that now.

So I think I want to move forward, stop letting cancer have anymore of my life, remember the good and happy times me and Tami shared, open myself to enjoy good and happy times now, and create good and happy times for my freinds and family. Tami beat cancer, not how she wanted to, she would have rather beat it and stayed with all of us, but that wasn't in the cards, and she beat it the only way she could. She doesn't have cancer anymore, she isn't in pain, or taking poison, she beat cancer.

I want to continue to honor Tami when and where I can, I think the best way to do that now is to show how much of a better person I am having known her. I learned so much about myself, good and bad, and I hope to make sure I remember all those lessons going forward.

Inspired

So Liz's response to my last post has inspired me to thank some people that either I haven't taken the time to, haven't had a chance to, or haven't thanked enough. Now this is just a partial list, and by no means could I thank everyone that help me and Tami out in one blog post. As well, this isn't in any order nor is it meant to say anyone was more appreciated than anyone else, so no hurt feelings if I dont include you, anyone that did anything, from a simple card to whatever has my thanks and gratitude for life, I'm just not good and following thru on these things, so I am gonna give it a shot today, why now, cuz I rather not focus on the coming week.

So Liz Hunter, I am gonna start with you as you inspired this post. I know how much you meant to Tami how much of a freind you were to her during her treatments. That you two talked alot and shared alot, me and Tami were best friends, and didn't feel the need to have a lot of friends outside of that. That was all well and good when things were fine, but when we started going through all this we found out that friends weren't a bad thing to have. I know that Tami was able to talk with Liz when she needed to talk to someone, and that someone outside the family sometimes has a different perspective, and I knew Tami greatly appreciated this. I know that Liz was a true friend to Tami and that Tami could trust her to be there for her. I found out the hard way that some people that claim to be freinds aren't always as true, but thats for another post. Anyways, as we got near the end Liz was a huge help to both of us, she was there when we needed someone and she did things that I didn't expect of her, and I cant say enough how much I appreciate it. Liz I am not good about returning calls, I haven't ignored one from you, believe it or not I just missed them. I am sorry I haven't talked to you in the past 6 months, you deserve better from me, and I am very grateful that you were in our lives.

My big sisters, Sherry and Deb (actually Tami's sisters but dont tell). Both of you are very different, and were there for us and me in very different ways, but every moment you gave to us was special and I cant thank you both enough for all of it. Deb, your phone calls always brought a smile to my face even at the lowest points. The support you gave me I could never repay in a million years. Sherry, all the times you came down to help Tami, to take her to appointments or near the end to just be with her, I cant explain how much that meant to us, and how much that help not just Tami but me. The trip to Mayo ended crappy but the journey was at least bearable with your love and support. The support you gave not only Tami, but me was so huge I cant put into words what it meant, you didn't have to be there for me, you dont have to be there for me, but you were, and still are and I cant ever thank you enough. The dinners, the trips, the benefit, Grubbyland Candles, all of it. Thank You.

Sarah, my daughter. I dont know what it was, or why, but she was my little girl from the day I met her Feb 7th, 1995. I dont know why or how, and I can look back on the times that things were a little rough, she didn't make it easy for me, trust me. But then again what teenager makes it easy on their parents anyways? I know I made it rough for mine many times. But I dont think I really understood what our relationship had become till all this happened with her mom. She was there for me as much as she was for her mom, she allowed me the honor of walking her down the asile at her wedding, when I needed someone to talk to she was and is there for me, when I needed it she shows me tough love, I always worried that I would never feel that unconditional love you have with a child, because I was just a step father, she proved me wrong on that, that I could make mistakes and she wouldn't disown me, that I am her father, and she is my daughter. I dont know how I would have made it through these past few months without her around. And I cant thank her enough for all she has done for me, and for being Sarah.

Nancy Hoover, Nancy is a character, I need only tell the story of my first encounter with her at OSP, remember Nancy? The phone call you had me make? yeah, no worries I wont go into it. Tami loved Nancy since the time they started talkin after Tami started making candles, they became friends, and when all this began, Nancy was a big help were she could be. Anytime anything went on at work, after Tami made sure I was okay, she would always ask about Nancy. I know that Nancy did a lot to help us out where she could and that she talked with Tami quite a bit as well. Nancy also came over to stay with Tami in the end, and I know how much Tami appreciated everything you did for us. I hide a lot of stuff from OSP, saying things were going okay when they might not have been as okay as I let on, but in the end Nancy really helped us out, and even now keeps on trying to help, and I am still as stubborn as ever, luckily Nancy has got me beat on the stubborn front.

Vicki Maurer, I hope I spelled her last name right. Vicki works with Dr Benson at Northwestern in Chicago. Now anyone that knows me, knows how critical I am of medical personnel, nurses, doctors, etc. There are many that we encountered that I would not take my dogs to if there was an emergency. That is not to say there weren't good, great people out there as well. Vicki was great, if not the greatest person we came across. Its hard to find light in the darkness of chemo treatments, but Vicki made them bearable, she made herself available for us anytime, even when we called with a problem or request she did her very best to make those requests happen. I wish I had never met anyone in this cancer field, but because I had to, I am glad that Vicki was part of that. And I stand by one of my last statements to Dr Benson, she deserves a big fat raise. I pray that no one has to go thru what we have gone thru, but I know the fact is that some will. If you are lucky, you will have an angel like Vicki taking care of you or your loved one. One day I will get back up there and thank her in person.

Mom & Dad, everyone expects their parents to do everything they can for you, not everyone has parents that will. I do, they have been nothing but perfect thru everything I have been thru, not just for me, their son, but Tami as well. I know Tami felt loved, and that Tami felt as if they were her parents as well. In the last 2 years, they came down a total of 3 times from Canada to help us out, the last time at little more than a moments notice to be here for me and Tami when she slipped away. Tami got her favorite mom meal just days before she passed away, and I can imagine having been alone in the days after. I dont thank my parents enough, but they dont do it for the thanks, they just do it because that's who they are. If I am half the man my dad is, I'll be doin okay in life.

There was so many more people I could and will thank in time, this is just a small list of those people, and I hope people see this for just that, and that if I didnt list you yet, that your help is not appreciated.

This will be a tough week, everyone tells me not to count the days, or mark the dates, I cant help it, it just pops up.

As a side note, and at the risk of sounding a little crazy, I think I heard Tami on Saturday night, just a word, but I think it was her. Least that's my story, and I am sticking with it...

Busy Weekend

SO we managed to celebrate 3 birthdays this weekend, it was Kj's, Mckayla's and Skylar's. I had a cookout at the house and everybody managed to show up and it was a good time, least I had a good time, I am still having a lot of trouble though, when I get by myself, it just seems to eat me up. If I can keep busy I do ok, but even then its not a fail safe, the gym is even starting to wear off as a good distractions, I aint stopping though I feel good physically going, but I need to work on my iPod and make a good workout mix, I will be doing good and James Blunt will come on and punch me in the stomach.

So the depression is been tough, I still not sure why though, I mean maybe it's the 6 months thing, I dont know, maybe it just feels like everyone is moving forward, and I dont know how to. I mean so many things have changed around me in 6 months, maybe some have just gone back to normal and I still dont know what normal is. I miss having everyone around, and I used to have alot more visits when Tami was still here, now its just me somedays and it gets lonely.

These birthdays just mark the beginning of a tough up and coming 6 months, more birthdays, Tami's birthday, my birthday, anniversary, etc...

Only 6 more months of updates here too, It's going to feel weird when I dont update here anymore, Tami's wishes were for me to continue this blog for a year. Which reminds me, 10 days and it will have been 2 years since Tami was diagnosed. She fought so much harder than she was allowed to live for, I cant even put into words for those of you who haven't been around 24/7 someone battling something so harsh. I am still very proud of her, and hope that she was truely proud of me.

I miss her a lot.

Nickelback - Never Gonna Be Alone

I remember the night, the moment, the very second, the look and the tears when I shared this song with Tami.

Loneliness - Revisited

Ok, I think maybe I might have mislead or not communicated well enough, imaging that :).

I have alot of good people to talk to, and many many people have made themselves available to me any time I need them, so many in fact I probably have people that think I am avoiding them. Sarah, had been amazing, and I am probably driving her nuts, or at the very least worrying her non stop (I think she is on to me, that I say I am ok no matter what is going on, I am always ok, cuz I don't want to burden anyone else, specially my family). So, its not so much that I don't have people near and dear, its that I dont have that one person. You can talk to a lot of people about alot of things, you can talk to one person about everything, and that person is gone for me. That leaves a huge void in my life, things I would have talked to her about, things I would have asked her opinion on, moments when she would have smacked me upside the head and told me to quit sweating the small stuff. I don't have that anymore. The fact that I found someone like that, based on the odds on how we met make me dizzy just thinking about it. We meshed like a couple puzzle pieces, although sometimes we got put together backwards :).

Next time your spouse goes away for a weekend, or a day, imagine its +5 months and they aren't coming back anytime soon. That's where I am right now, and we are closing in on 6 monts fast. Next weekend is all the August birthdays... its just overwhelming sometimes, and add in drama, frustration, life's general bumps and pot holes, and half the time I think I just wanna go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare. I have to keep reminding me the things that are still good in my life and focus on that. I hope I will be happy again, its just tough to see where to go to get there.

Loneliness

Loneliness sucks let me tell you the last few days it has been eating me alive, I had been doing pretty good for awhile now, actually enjoying myself, going out, eating, watching a movie, whatever by myself. Then for whatever reason, about Thursday last week I got hammered, and still trying to pull myself out of this depressed funk, its horrible when it hits, I just want to curl inside up in the fetal position in the corner, or go to sleep and hope I don't wake up. I dread the weekends only to spend the last half of the weekends dreading going to work and the usual grind. I cant even describe what it feels like, and if you know what it feels like I feel bad for you. It's like carrying around a weight all day long, its, well, just horrible.

Even talking about it right now makes me cringe, I can feel it creep up on me even more, the radio will have to go on sleep timer tonight or I will be staring at the ceiling for 2 hours. I stood at Kristi's on the way home tonight just jabbering about nothing just cuz its a distraction, I guess I am missing the mindless conversation you have with someone your close with, and I just have nothing right now to fill that void, I can fill everything else, well almost everything but those nights just talking with Tami, gawd I miss that, I mean yeah I know I can talk right now, but nobody answers, its so frustrating. They need a chat line where I can just have someone ramble on about stuff, everyday stuff and I can just sit there and listen, yeah I know it sounds stupid, but I miss listening.

I guess I will have to settle for the distractions for now, bugging people around me, kicking my ass at the gym, sleeping... I dont know what else to do in these funks... I keep waking up, so not much else I can do.

Doesn't help I came to the realization that the 6 month mark of Tami's passing will also be the 2 year mark of her diagnosis, almost to the day... w.t.f...

5 months

I dont know why, today though just seems like it has been so much longer than 5 months, I cant explain why really, it just does, it seems like a lifetime ago now, other days its like a fresh wound. Days like today I feel like I am farther along than I should be, like I shouldn't be doing so well. I've always been able to adapt to whatever my situation is, but it feels wrong to be adapting so fast to all this. But I am, and I feel a little bad about that. Oh I am still lonely, I miss having Tami here, I mean how do you not after 13+ years, we did almost everything together. Now I am adapting into this single person in the sense that I am ok doin my own thing and not having anyone dependant on what I am doing today.

I know this is what Tami wanted, expected and even groomed me for to a certain extent. The recordings she left say that very thing, but it doesn't feel natural yet it does... I dunno, confused as I am yet. Myabe just keeping myself busy and amuzed is moving things along faster, I dont have time to sit and feel sorry for myself. I've been going to the gym daily, playing hockey where I can, add work and general life and it makes for some busy days.

I know they say there is no one timeline for everyone but I just seem more okay than I should be, weird as that does sound.

Song for the day 3 Doors Down - The Road I'm On

Lazy days

Was a pretty laid back weekend, nothing too exciting. Just going thru the motions really. I probably could have been busier than I was but what the heck, somedays you just gotta kick back. So I did. Don't have much more than that really, just kinda blah, no what I mean... maybe it was the cooler weather.

Race Weekend

So this weekend was the NASCAR race at Chicagoland Speedway. Me and Tami started going to races some years back, the first time being a fathers day present from her to me, she ended up enjoying herself more than she thought she would, and the rest is history.

Friday is the Nationwide Series race among other on track activities. I went up myself on Friday, and actually it was kinda nice to go solo. One I could just wonder as I pleased, two I could just kinda take it all in without Tami there. Funny thing is the drive up it rained the whole way, and when I parked it continied to rain, and then about a half hour later the sun came out and was beutiful the rest of the day and night. I have been trying to take Tami's advice from some of her recordings, about moving forward, not letting her cancer take anymore life away anymore. So I have been, and it felt ok at the race this weekend, yeah I still feel guilty that I get to enjoy these things that she loved as well, but I know she would have been more hurt if I continued to dwell on the hell we went thru the last 2 years.

Saturday was the cup race, I went up with my borther-in-law Mike in his motorhome along with a couple people from work. That was a good time as well. The weather was beautiful once again, not too hot, no rain. I was all decked out in Kurt Busch gear, my driver had always been Mark Martin and he came out of retirement this year, but the last few years since he stepped away to a partial schedule I picked up Busch as he was Tami's favorite driver, I just felt like I had to wear the blue deuce colors again this year, so I did. I must mention as well, anytime I wear Mark Martin stuff he does poorly, so no Martin stuff on race day :)

I little over halfway into the race, off an excellent pitstop the 5 car came out in the lead, and continued to lead most of the race. Now on a personal level I haven't had much reason to believe in much, I guess a faith crisis if you want to label it. As we got closer to the end of the race I thought to myself, "Tami, if Martin wins this race, I will go to church tomorrow." Anyone that has followed NASCAR and specificly Martin at Chicagoland knows he generally runs well there but usually has late problems. Well this race was no different. On a restart Martin slide up the track in turn one falling to third behind Johnston and Vickers. I thought to myself, least I dont have to get up and go to church tomorrow.

Once again the caution flew, and we were poised for another restart, this time Vickers and Hamlin managed to muscle by Johnston and he fell way back, then not much longer Hamlin and Vickers touched and slide up the track and there was Martin, out front again and the rest is history, and I drug my butt to church this morning.

You can spin that how you want, Martin has been running good this year, he always has done well at Chicagoland, but all the races me and Tami went to, we never got to see our favorite driver win, and of all years, this year I get to see Martin win. Could be something, could be nothing, all I know is I made a promise last night and I thought I better keep it, I am sure Tami has enough to kick my butt for right now, I dont need to add to it.

Made it through another big day...

Had a pretty good 4th this year, Debbie invited me up to Peoria to watch the fireworks from Spindler Marina. It was a good time, she has some colorful friends but it made it that much more fun. Of course I think I will be allowed to come back as I am good at moving dead weight late at night, right Deb?

Of course it wasn't the same as it was last year, or any years in the past, but then it probably will never be the same and the sooner I embrace that the better I will be I suppose. Some days I would just like to know what she would think, about how I am doin.

Of course, if I need to know how I am doin I have the next best thing, Sarah, my daughter. I went to Mankato a few weeks back and I had gone out with the people I went with and had a few beers. They were giving away glasses with the beers, so I went for a set of 6. I showed these glasses to Sarah the last time she was over and in what I can only describe as a Tami type tone she asked "Who did you go do that with?". You gotta love her, and its nice to have someone who cares about how I am doing, what I am doing and so on. Even today, I was a little sore from hockey on Friday, and I was moaning occasinally and such and she asked, yet again with a touch of Tami in her voice "Drink too much last night? Not that it's any of my business." Of course I hadn't but also told her of course it was her business, it makes me smile pretty big when she says stuff like that, I was so lucky to share Tami's life for 14 so years, let alone everything else I have taken from this journey.

So if anyone is worried about me, dont, Sarah is checking up on me. :)

Just another week...

Pretty uneventful week this week, just went thru the normal motions, I did get to have Skylar spend the night and we went and saw a movie. It was a good time, of course when I was taking him home he was upset cuz he wanted to stay more, of course with his baseball schedule its next to impossible to get him one night let alone more.

I suppose I am doin ok, lonely, but what to do right.

Happy Father's Day!

So Wednesday of last week I had to drive to the Department of Homeland Security's Immigration office to get finger printed for citizenship, you know I cant go anywhere new it seems, no I have never been to this office before but the trip took my right by the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. And of course I started thinking, that was the first NASCAR race me and Tami attended together, those tickets she bought me of course.... can you guess? Yup, a Fathers Day gift. And beyond that there was just alot of race trips and memories to go along with it all, lots of NASCAR, a Formula 1 race, and alot of good times. And I remeber the good times, but they still, at this point, make me sad. Yup, our 1st race, where I think Tami ended up enjoying it more than I did, and of course Indy was where Tami first decided that Kurt Busch was her driver after his altercation with Jimmy Spencer.
Friday was another fun day with Mckyala and Korbin, we got to swim, and of course Mckyala after a small bathroom break came running our from the house and jumped into the pool without her floaties, of course she popped right back up with her big eyes wide open. I asked her if she had forgotten anything, and then told her I think it would be ok if she swam without floaties and she was quite excited about that, Nana would be so proud of her. And not to be out done, Korban swam into the deep end with his floaties on, this was a big step for him as he preffered to swim with his arms wrapped tightly around my neck last year.
Sunday was a good day as well, Sarah and Josh came out and brought food for a cookout, and Sarah baked me some Chocolate Chip Cookies, they even cleans the kitchen afterwards. It was a nice day, and I still count my blessings as I dont know how I would get thru these past few months (almost 4 now) without Sarah. Fathers Day isn't about getting a day off or getting a cool gift, its about being proud of your kids and seeing who they have grown up to be, and maybe even patting yourself on the back a little because you might have had a little influence on that (the good and the bad ;) ).
I hope, even though I have just a lowly stepFather, that I have been a good one and that I have been atleast half as good as my own dad has been. That is a huge undertaking as he set the bar real high.
I hope everyone had a good day as well, even if your dad is no longer with you, I hope you remebered him and honored him.

As a personal side note, all you anonoymous comment makers, leave your name, I would love to know who is commenting :)

Home Sweet Home

So I was up in Mankato, Minn for 3 days last week. Some training for work, really enjoyed the training and the new tools they showed us. It was nice to get away for a bit, it felt like I was just away from home and when I got back Tami would be waiting there, or I could call her and talk to her after training. Of course that wasn't possible, and even driving home I started to dread walking into the empty house... I mean besides the 2 dogs and a cat, but you know what I mean. Didn't help it was the same route home you take coming back from the Mayo Clinic, but dont get me started on that again.

Of course I didn't even think of the other downside to this little trip, I asked Sarah to come over and check on the dogs for me thru the week, which of course met she had to come over to the house with no one here. I think it was pretty tough on her, no I know it was, I mean I have had almost 4 months to get used to coming home to no Tami (not that I am used to it yet) and this house I think as been a little avoided by everyone which is a little sad to me, but I can understand, I mean if I had somewhere to go I know there would have been a couple days I wouldn't have come home just because everything in this house is Tami. I know, I know I can change stuff..... but not yet.

Anyways, I have a short week this week, I have to drive to Indy to get fingerprinted by the FBI! No worries people, its the next step in my bid for citizenship. I took Wednesday and Thursday off so I will see if I can motivate myself to do something around this house.

To go with the title of this entry here is the song of the week..... another Tami favorite....
Motley Crue - Home Sweet Home

To do or not to do....

I have yet to decide what is harder, doing things I used to do with Tami without her, or doing new things that I never did with Tami. They both have their positives and negatives. Today I went to the NHRA races up in Joliet with Debbie and Mike, I hadn't been to this type of racing since I was probably 19ish, and I never went with Tami. It was pretty fun, and good racing, of course it just seems weird not having Tami there, things happen and you just know what Tami would say or do. Or what we would have done during the race might have been different had she been there.

Or like movies, I guess I started movie night, one to get out on my own, but also because it was never something Tami really cared to do, she liked movies, but was not real big on going and sitting in a theatre for 2 hours.

Doin things that me and Tami would do, well that is a whole other thing. I guess the bets way to describe this would be like trying to do something with only one arm. It doesn't feel natural, and you really miss that other part of you. That is probably the best way I can describe it, I have lost a part of me and doing things doesn't feel natural not to mention the guilt of doing things, OMG the guilt....

I cant tell you how guilty I felt holding that little baby on Tuesday knowing that Tami wasn't here to hold her. I know what everyone will say but the truth is I feel guilt and regret for so many things, I mean even as far back as when we first started talking. It's crazy, I know its crazy for the most part, but its a very real and somewhat deabilitating feeling. I can drive myself into a ball curled up on the couch with those thoughts somedays.

Anyways.. was an ok weekend, all be it rough at times, but then I dont think I have had a week go by yet that didn't have some bumps, and I dont forsee any coming up that wont have any.

Payton Holt

I wanna congratulate Eric and Sharon on the birth (finally :P) of Payton today at 11:30am this morning. She came into this world a whopping 10 pounds.... poor Sharon (who is doing well). And as is customary, Payton, pooped when I got to hold her.

Nana got to see Payton with the cool 3D sonograms they do now before she passed, and no doubt she was there today when Payton was born. I wish she could have been here to hold her.

Just blah....

It's just been one of those blah sort of days. I mostly laid around and did little of nothing. I managed to drag my butt off the couch to go see the new Pixar movie Up. Of course it was great, me and Tami always loved those movies, watchin them with the kids. That said, of course the main character had just lost his wife.... lol... I cant get away from it!

Oh well, what are ya gonna do? Keep on keepin on.

A quarter of a year without Tami.....

For Tami, just cuz...

James Blunt - Carry You Home

Pool opening

Well you long term followers of this blog might remember last year at this time, when I was pronounced the pool boy and promptly fired a few weeks later. Tami was so into the care of the pool, she knew what chemicals needed to be added when, heck we would have the water tested at the pool place, they would tell us what we needed and Tami would scoff at them when they turned their back cuz she knew better, and she did. Here we had this woman, getting her butt kicked by Chemo out there scrubbing the pool not cuz I wouldn't do it, but because she had to do it herself, that's just who she was.

So I opened the pool this weekend, it opened to a slightly green tint, after one night of the pump running it was clear as a bell. I had scrubbed the heck out of it, shocked it and was all prepared to scower Tami's computer to find all her pool links to see what else I needed to do but so far it seems pretty good. I will test it again in the morning but so far its come inline pretty fast.

Beyond that I guess I am doing ok, I still have horrible bouts of guilt about everything, but I suppose that is normal. I pretty much have settled into the fact that I wont be getting much better anytime soon. The group is still pretty good. I think about Tami non-stop. I dunno, it still doesn't seem real most days. I am not sure it ever will. I been in heavy denial since August 2007, I really haven't found away out of that yet.

Tomorrow (Sunday) Clinton church is doing a memorial service for people who have passed away over the last few months. I told Tami I would go, so I will go, probably by myself, but that's ok, I am learning how to be by myself. I did call up Sarah (and invited her and Josh to a movie) and my parents and told them I got the reciept for my citizenship forms, just cuz I dont have someone to go home and tell, its still feels nice to be able to tell someone that something happened in my life even if I think now the people I am telling are not all that interested in everything I have going on. As a side note, waitresses seem to take better care of you when you are alone, so there is a bonus there I guess.

Staying busy, or trying to...

It's been a fine balance of trying to keep myself busy and not get myself over-whelmed with things to do. I am tired today, although its a good tired. I had Korban and Mckayla over night and then took them to Maydays here in Clinton. They are a breath of fresh air for me, they love me unconditionally and boy some days I just need that. Today I need that, I got it.

The group has been helping I think, although I feel myself being drawn towards wanting to help someone else when I am supposed to be looking out for myself, there goes my superman complex flaring up again. Not that I dont think that I shouldn't help other there, but I am not fixed yet, far from it, although I have days where I feel okay.

Tami's one big wish was to keep her family together, and it's a daunting one. I dont really know how hard I am supposed to work towards that. Some days I feel like I am investing too much, other days I feel like I am not working hard enough. I take things too personal at times, if someone lets me down or doesn't come thru or backs out on a commitment. Tami would always make sure I didn't beat myself up about things like that. It was always me and her and I could always count on her to be there, now without that support I find my self getting run over by these things when I really shouldnt let them bother me. I do take it personally when someone backs out on plans, I have so little in the way of plans these days, missing out on something hurts.

My emotions really run unchecked these days, I get mad at everyone all the time, they dont know it of course, and I am usually over it before they have any idea, and to be honest most of the time its nothing they really even did. I still have so much anger, guilt, sadness, you name it, I got it. Add in an unstable work place with the economy and you got a mixture for great fun.... not.

I just have to learn to be alone, and I can remember many discussions with Tami, and her saying I would be fine, but alone is not my strong point. It's something that was always a big fear of mine. I always told Tami I would go first because of it. So much for that.Training myself to function alone is tough, I do ok with some things, but mostly its just hard. Some days I would just rather be with Tami, I have so much to talk to her about, 11 weeks worth of life. I know, I said I would stop counting.... truth be told, I count every second.

The song of the week (and yes a country one to boot, not to worry though it was written by Nine Inch Nails so that makes it ok right?) This one is performed by Johnny Cash, I grew up on a lot of Mr Cash from my Dad, fitting this song is in my playlist currently.

Hurt by Johnny Cash

Happy Mother's Day

Yet another first is upon us, but it will be harder on the kids than me I am sure. Tami was a great mom, it's one of the reasons I loved her. She was a good parent, not perfect, but I doubt there is a perfect one, but they dont get any closer than Tami did. Any parenting I was able to do, or do now will be based of who my parents are and who Tami was.

I am sad for the kids, I invited them all over tomorrow for a cook out, purely open to them, if they wanted to, I would be here and would cook up some brat burgers and hot dogs. If they don't show up for any reason it wouldn't be a big deal. I just wanted to give them something to do if they needed it. On one of Tami's voice recordings she said I would have to be the mom and the dad. Nobody could replace her, not as a mom, or a wife, or a friend.

I bought some rose bushes, I know Tami always looked forward to getting a rose bush on Mother's Day. So I am going to plant some tomorrow. I hope all the mom's out there have a great day.

I have to stop counting, the weeks are in the double digits, it doesn't seem real.

9 weeks

Well for those of you suggesting it, or that have mentioned it, I have been going to a group, going on 4 weeks now. The jury is still out on it, I mean its nice cuz I know on Mondays I have something to do, somewhere to go and I will be around people that understand better than anyone around me right now. In fact based on that I have scheduled things for myself to do thru the week. I have been going out to Weldon Springs and walking around that twice, I am trying to get to Stick & Puck twice a week (Stick & Puck is open ice hockey). Fridays I go to lunch at Bandana's, this week I had a friend come along which was nice, and the girls at Bandana's finished my order when I hesitated so they are getting to know me. Saturday night is movie night, I go out and find something for dinner and hit the theaters and pick a move. Those and other little things keep me focused on what's coming up instead of what's past.

So the group has given me that, The person that runs the group should be nicknamed Barbara Walters as she knows just what to ask to make ya choke on your words, which is probably what I need, she knows the right questions to ask. I guess my problems with the group so far is it has made me reflect on some things going on right now and some of those thoughts and actions scare me a little. They scare me because there are people that have taken those thoughts and actions farther than I have. So you might say that this is a good thing, but it hasn't resolved these things in my head.

I miss my original vent person. I could always come home from work and talk to Tami, or I would have an insecurity about being a step-father and talk to Tami, I always had Tami to talk to, then when she was sick it was harder to do, most things going on in my world outside Tami's battle seemed far less important. Even so, someone else stepped up and let me vent to them, but since Tami's passing have pulled back from that a lot, and I know everyone has to deal with this in their own way but it's tough because somedays I feel like I lost more than just Tami. That's not to say others haven't reached out and I haven't been the best of accepting that, well lets be honest I have flat out ignored or avoided some just cuz I cant deal with talking about Tami to some, I feel bad about that but you get a comfort level with some people and others it's tough to try and get there with.

I guess the bottom line is I am lonely, some of it self imposed, some of it thrust upon me. There is a line in a song "A crowded street can be a quiet place when you're walking alone". That line hits the nail on the head, there are times I feel more alone in a crowd than I do in this house by myself.

So what do I do about it? I am gonna pay a few bills, go mow the lawn, get ready for movie night and try not thinking about ways I could be with Tami sooner.

3 Doors Down - It's the Only One You've Got

8 weeks

The longest I have ever been away from Tami I think at most was 2 weeks when I went home for a visit. Of course when we first met it was a long distance thing, but we talked almost everyday. Now I go hours on end with out talking to anyone. It just seems to be getting harder as I go along. I have come to the conclusion that I am actually not losing my mind that everyone around is, so that is some comfort.

8 weeks, I rather count down the time till I will see her again rather than count up the time I haven't.

7 weeks

I am just alone today, and the sad thing nothing or no one could change that, I could be around everyone I know and it wouldn't help what I am feeling.

Happy Easter All

Hope everyone is having a great Easter, and the Easter Bunny was good to you.

FYI, those of you that had my phone number it has switched to Tami's old number and my is shut down.

Also, I have discovered the joys of Facebook, I was always not so keen on sites like this, but so far I have been in contact with 3 people I have not talked to in over 13 years. So if your on there, look me up.

Fixed Facebook link....

Norm Loewen's Profile

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Need

For the last year and a half before Tami passed away, I was needed non stop, 24/7. I had purpose and goals. I knew what was expected of me, I knew what was needed and what I had to do. Was I perfect in doing that, no. Sometimes I was great, sometimes I sucked. Tami always forgave me, always. Nothing else matters.

So here I am Saturday morning, and no one needs me to get out of bed, nobody cares if I do. If I sleep all day, it doesn't effect anyone's day. If I dont clean this house, nobody cares, nobody worries about it. I don't have to make lunch for anyone, or take anyone anywhere. If I make a list of things to do, who cares if I don't finish it.

I wanna go to work and stay there all the time, somebody needs me there, they care if I show up or not. But Friday, Saturday, Sunday, who cares. Sure everyone will tell me they need me, they care, but was your day affected by my decision not to pick up that mess in the kitchen? Did you eat lunch today? No, the sun rose and set and me not doing anything wont affect that for anyone anymore.

Tami always said, when someone backed out of taking her to an appointment or coming over and hanging out with her that it was just me and her. That when it came down to it, and not to down play anything anyone ever did for us, but when it really came down to it, it was me and her.

Now its just me, and I don't know why I am here still. And only one being can answer that, and I have to put faith in that after all I have been put thru. All I have to say to that is W.T.F.

Heaven awaits your heart and flowers bloom in your name...

Well maybe it's time to not be so depressing on this blog. I mean I dont feel horrible 24/7. Now that is not to say I dont miss Tami like mad 24/7, but I dont think I honor her by feeling sorry for myself 24/7. The picture I included here was taken back in the beginning of time for me and Tami. Her first trip up to Canada to see me. This specific picture was taken at Chilliwack Lake, Britsh Columbia. This was at the back of the lake where my family camped many times when I was a kid. The back of the Lake is no longer accessible by car, but at this time we could still get there. Tami loved the mountains and the county up there. In fact I would go as far as to say she made me appreciate what beauty I had up there and just took for granted on a daily basis. Isn't that a life lesson for us all, lets not stop earning from Tami. Make sure you appreciate all the beauty in your life around you at all times, taken nothing for granted.

Tami's first visit up there was a lot of fun. Sarah came up with her. And for a side note, the picture above was taken moments before I got Sarah mad at me for the very first time as well. The note to self taken that day was "Throwing little girl in lake funny once, not so funny second time." It was fun sharing something like that with Tami (and Sarah and I dont mean making Sarah mad at me either :)) and I am glad I was able to do that. Oh there is many more things I wish I could have done with Tami, but I was able to do a lot with her as well.

Anyways, I think that I probably will try out a grief support group. Someone at work lost their wife about 2 months before me and really recommended how much it is helping him out. I will at the very least give it a go. The past week has shown me that I really don't have a firm grasp on what I am doing or where I am going. And after a particularly scary night last Sunday on a personal level, I think I need to at least try other avenues.

I got to spend a bunch of time with Sarah this weekend, she has proven well in becoming a backup moral compass for me, meaning when I am about to do something stupid she isn't afraid to tell me so. She is a lot like her mom and that is something for her to be very proud of.

Sunday is proving to be the toughest day to get thru, not so much during the day, but the evening. I guess it's sort of the wind down day, everyone is settling in for the week ahead, its harder to find a distraction to keep me occupied. Chances are good that Sunday evening will be a day I am guaranteed to have to get thru on my own.

The song of the day is Fly to the Angels by Slaughter and the lyrics here, here is a small sample:

Pictures of you--
oh, theyre still on my mind--
you had the smile--
that could light up the world--
now it rains--
it seems the sun never shines--
and I drive--
down--
this lonely lonely road--
oooo I got this feelin'--
girl I gotta let you go--

(Chorus)--
'cause now youve got to fly--
(fly high)--
fly to the angels--
heaven awaits your heart--
and flowers bloom in your name--
you've got to fly--
(fly high)--
fly to the angels--
all the stars in the night--
shine in your name--

Change

I know everyone, not just here on this blog has said I should change something or that change has helped them, I don't know if its just me, or maybe a guy thing, but I hate change, least change that interferes or shakes up my life in any little way.

I mean even this blog, this was Tami's blog, and now I am using it for myself, I know she wanted me to do this, and on a number of days said that this is how she wanted me to carry on the blog and express my feelings (I think it helped her and I think she thought it would help me), but I rather log on and read what she is feeling, doing or whatever she felt like posting on any given day.

There is a lighter sitting in my bathroom (Tami had her bathroom, I had mine) sitting in that bathroom that she left in there the last time she lit a smoke in there, I clean around it or move it over a little depending on what I am doing, but I dont want it to move. Tami's dress she wore to Sarah's wedding is still in the chair she laid it down in. I have 2 cell phones because I don't know what to do about Tami's voice mail greeting. I could make that phone my own and keep the greeting as Tami's Grubbyland Candles greetings, but then I cant call and hear it either. Do I keep a phone with a greeting of Tami's, do I let it go. I dont know. So I continue to pay for 2 cell phones knowing Tami would be pissed to know I am still paying for both when I dont have to. The list goes on....

The worst change is the change I cant control. The fact that she isn't down the hall making candles, or naping on the couch. The fact that nobody is coming over today to see her so I am not going to have any visitors today. Nobody is going to call me and ask me how she is doing so I wont get any calls. It's like I am stuck in a moment in time and everyone else just kept moving forward and I have no frackin clue how to catch up to everyone. I dont know how to move forward. She isn't here to tell me what is next.

Before, I can remember stealing a minute to play on the computer or watch a show I had recorded, now I have so much free time I dont know what to do with myself, its not like there isn't things I could do around here, but I cant focus, I seriously think I am losing my mind. Tami needed me so much in the end, and now nobody needs me. I can come and go as I please. I have no where to go.

W.W.T.D.

It's going to be my new slogan. What Would Tami Do (W.W.T.D.). Those of us that knew her, ask yourself before doing something, what would Tami do, or say to you if she were here. I know there are a number of things that should have been run through this process already. So ask yourself... would Tami slap you upside your head?

Today sucks, 4 weeks. I get lonely in a crowd now, no idea if anyone understands what I mean, if you do, it sucks. I feel less lonely in this house all alone. Although this house sucks all alone too. I just have a dislike for life today. Not going to share much right now, it would probably all be negative.

3 Weeks....

Sorry, I should have posted this much sooner, in my defense Bromenn was slow to get it online as well. On the 17th Suezette Lorriane was born. I know Tami was there for it, but its still tough, she was always excited about grandbabies, but she had a special tingle in her heart for grandbaby girls.

Right now I am sitting here sucking back a Molson Canadian, I haven't had one of these in years. Still my favorite beer and was nice to find I could get it down here. It's been 3 weeks today, I am still having trouble thinking that Tami is not around somewhere, that she is not somewhere, where I could go find here or call her or anything. I find myself wanting to go places where I did things with Tami in the hopes of getting that rush of memories. Here in the family room where she passed, I just find it hard to imagine she isn't down the hall making candles or watching TV just out of sight. I certainly cant wrap my mind around the fact that I have a simple little wooden box sitting on the ledge here in the family room. I cant relate it to Tami in anyway.

My parents leave for home on Tuesday, its been so great having them here although I am starting to fear Tuesday night, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.... etc. I have never lived truly alone, I don't know that most people have, you were either with your family, spouse, roommate, whatever. I am not sure where things are going to go. So much is already starting to happen, and I ask Tami for advice, but she hasn't answered yet, so I have to figure out the right things to do for problems big and small that seem to be popping up.

Work just went thru more layoffs, just seems like everything has went to shit all at once, it would be nice to have some time to catch my breath, but I suppose that wont happen for awhile. Life never did seem to care about slowing down. I just hope from here out I make the right decisions for me and the kids, that I make Tami proud. I cant really fill the void she left, but I hope I can keep from creating a larger one. I miss her love, I know everyone says its still there, but to know Tami you would know its not, she made me feel so good just with a simple word or look. She kept me grounded and focused, she was my moral compass, now I have to find my way without her.

Well, beer is done, time for bed. Kids are coming over again tomorrow for a little cook out.

2 Weeks...

Incredibly busy day today, hardly time to think about much of anything, of course its always there. It doesn't matter what I do or where I go, it always is accompanied by a memory, from fun ones, to the most mundane. It's a weird experience, I dont know that I could justify the feeling with words, its not just like thinking of something or a memory, I dont know, I did so much with Tami, and very little without her, I mean seriously, when I wasn't with Tami I was probably at home or out with Sarah.

I mean really, Wednesday I went to a Praire Thunder hockey game with my parents, and Sarah and Josh were there as well. When they did there little opening show and announced the starting line up I got a rush of emotions and I could have broke down if I let meself, but being Canadian the only time I should cry over hockey is when the Vancouver Canucks finally win the Stanely Cup. Me and Tami went to so many games, we were both excited to have a team, we bought jerseys, she bought a white home one and I bought a dark away jersey. She got hers signed by all the players at the time. We had fun.

So I have yet to find a place that I dont get this vibe/feeling/whatever from. I am not really complaining but its sort of uncontrolled and I dont generally like uncontrolled things. The only thing bad about this feeling is I have yet to stop it from leading to thinking about Tami's last few days, I cant shake that. I have alot of guilt about that, and its mine to have and deal with, but it bothers me still, and it takes away from the moment.

I'm also bothered by the fact that I, and be prepared for my geekiness to shine thru now, that I cant remember dreams these days, or that I haven't gotten some sort of sign that Tami is ok now. I read and watch so much on events like this that I was hoping to have an experience myself, just something small or subtle. But it bothers me that I haven't remembered a dream since Tami passed. In one of her journal entries she said that she would let me know she is ok, even if it were in a dream. I know, sounds crazy or far fetched, chances are though she gave me a sign and I probably missed it, and no dount its added to my list of things to answer for in the end.

We had a nice dinner at Tami's sister Sherry's house, with her husband Dan, and Debbie and Mike there as well. It felt weird being there without Tami, and I was even feeling a little guilty, like I shouldn't have been there, that she should have instead, like I was robbing her of something. But I know that's not the case.

Anyways, writting is just another way to stall bedtime, so I better head out now.

Without You

This song just popped in my head as I started to write this post. Ya I know, from Metallica, Motley Crue to James Blunt we have some weird music taste but hey, what ya gonna do, its not my fault this is what I grew up on for music, and well, they just seem to be falling in to place depending on the day.

Anyways, I hadn't heard this song in so long but it just popped into my head when I was trying to spread out here what I am feeling the last couple days. Without You by Motley Crue (Lyrics & Video).

Yesterday was a rough day, I am not sure why, well besides the obvious, but I get these thought patterns where everything starts running thru my head, the past 18+ months. Everything good that happened, everything bad, all the things we did together, all the things we didn't, all the things we never will. I replay the last few days with Tami over and over till my mind races out of control, like someone puts my mind in a blender and sets it on high speed. It may have been a full blown anxiety/panic attack if I knew what one was. I had to leave work early and it took me a few minutes to catch my breath in the truck before I started driving home.

As I write this post, another of Tami's friends she made is going thru the same phase as Tami just did. Once again making this so real all over again. Tami had made a number of friends thru this journey of hers, I can remember the first friend she lost and how much she cried when she learned that they had passed. I can remember feeling like Tami had this whole existence that I couldn't even understand, and that these people online knew this part of her better than I ever could. It's mind boggling to think about how many people are going thru the same things we are going thru, losing your life, your loved one, your friend. It's truly not fair.

I bought a movie at Walmart yesterday, I brought it home and nobody got mad a me for spending money on a stupid DVD, I used to tell Tami that the those damn kids in Clinton slipped another movie in my cart when I wasn't looking, but it was ok because they always slipped one in that I would like. She'd just shake her head at me, its not even fun to buy a movie anymore.

1 week

Well it's Friday, tomorrow it will have been one week since Tami left. Everyone has been really supportive so far, and its been nice having the parents here. I've been sleeping, although I only have managed twice in my own bed so far. Last week at this time I was sleeping on the couch with Tami, her repeatedly squeezing my hand thru the night, looking back its like she knew, I dunno.

I am not sure its fully sunk in yet, I mean with my parents here and everyone being around its been a bit of a buffer, all that will die down soon and I will be alone in this house. It's a little scary to be honest. I am sure I can keep myself busy with any number of things but I don't know that it will help.

I had a nice lunch with Eric today, I hope to hang out with him and the rest of the kids more going forward. Mckayla and Korban are here tonight, spending the night. Its nice, but I still feel like a piece is missing. We were washing Korban's hands in "Nana's" bathroom, and in the corner were a pair of Nana's slippers. Korban asked whose those were and I said they were Nana's. Korban said God better come get those slippers for Nana. How do you not just melt? We proceeded to discuss all the things they already had in heaven, I assured both kids Nana has more than we have down here, I also said that Gizmo was there with her, and that made them happy.

I dunno, I feel the worst is yet to come for me, I feel like the private melt downs I have had are just the start, the distractions I have managed to keep throwing up will eventually run out, sooner or later Sarah and Josh or KJ and Kristi will get sick of me, gawd I am the odd man again, the third wheel, this just blows my mind still. I am still waiting for Tami to come down the hall telling me to get my butt off the computer.

This blog

First off, thanks to all for everyones support and love during this time, I am not sure what I would do without all of you, my parents being here makes this house not seem so lonely, although its still not the same, never will be. Tami touched everything here, everything about this house had Tami's touch in some form or another, how could I ever change a thing, I couldn't. I am having a hard time cleaning up simple things, so the house is still a bit of a mess, least by Tami's standards, I can hear her, I should pick up, but I wont right now. Sarah, just add it to my list of things I will hear about in the end.

As for this blog, it was Tami's wishes that I keep it going for a year after her leaving. So I will continue to post until Feb 28th of 2010, god willing. For this post I want to share a little bit of Tami's journal she wrote for me and her kids and sisters. This is the final note she wrote in it. It is dated 1-21-09.

"Just home from a week in the hospital. I never knew the end would come so fast but feel I am almost there. I love you all so much, thank you for being in my life + thank you for helping me. Norm thank you for loving me + being so kind to me. I will miss you all so much. Always stay strong + be there for each other + know that I will always love all of you with all that I am.
Forever + Always,
Mom, Tami."

Services for Tami

On Tuesday March 3rd at 3 pm we will be having services for Tami in Clinton at Calvert Funeral Home, 201 S Center St. Afterwords, there will be drinks and desert for those that would like at the First Christian Church of Clinton. All Tami's friends and people that cared for her are welcome to attend.

Announcements will appear in the Bloomington and Peoria papers on Monday.

Thanks to everyone for their support.

R.I.P. Tami Loewen 1961 - 2009

Tami passed today, I will update more another time.

I love you Tami, always and forever.

Just a small update

Sorry again for the length of time between updates, I am some what of a fair weather updater in that I would rather update everyone when things are going good or at least have a good outlook. Tami isn't doing well right now, its hard for me to type that let alone say it, but she isn't. We are working hard to get her comfortable but even that is proving tough. They hooked an external pain pump up to her to try and give her some added relief, but I am not sure we are there quite yet.

My parents got her a few days ago, and thats been a big help, and I am glad Tami was alert and awake when they got here. I am still hopeful that Tami can pull back out of this, I have a lot of faith in her strength, not sure what I would do with out it.

I appreciate everyones support through all this.

just so tired

it has begun to be hard even off the lap top. I am pretty much bed bound. night time is so hard i just moan in pain, walk from the family room and try to get gas or the other out all night long. i long for actual sleep, though it is easier now that i have with the flo and most times the flo is day time. i still dont know how norm does it. woek is really been making it easy on letting letting him work partly at home, this helps alot. I am officially in hospice now, that means a nurse drops by 3 times a week, a bath girl comes by a couple times aweek, no more dr,blood work or additional medicine. They put in a pain pump in mystomach and can tune it higher with a magic wand, which can and does make me constipated and bloated, bad bloating, i also have bad swelling in mylegs and feet. not fun, they also installed a fluid pump so i can suction out fluids.ya its as gross as it sounds. been draining approox a 2 liter bottles wworth. my plan is to get stromger for more treatment bit i know in my heart, its not gonna happen, God has given me so many miracles, he keeps me here now. i am so proud of myfamily and friends formaking sure i am not by myself. thank u blog posters your words help me evry day....too tired have to stop now, happy valentines day

I am home

I came home yesterday. This will be a short post as my energy just isnt there. The mere thought of walking to the bathroom exhausts me. For now at least I am on hospice, my dr sugar coated it to make it sound better but basidally, they will come out a few times a week try to make me confortable with pain meds, but there will be no intervention of ny kind, if I get dehydrated, whatever, they will not do anything to stop the process of dying. I have so much pressure in my rectum and vagina. Pain free is not a term I wilkl probably ever be able to use. They installed a magic wand pain pump that neeeds to be adjusted by a Dr, also installed a drain to drain off fluid from my abdomen, all measures of comfort. I have enjyed 17 months of ife I wouldnt have had, but I give that credit to God and to my family. It is funny how fast cancer can take over with these very aggressive tumors. Time is short now and again all I can say is I miss yesterday. Please live life while you still hve it. Thank you to everyone for helping me along my road of life.
Happy Anniversary norm, who would have known that 14 years after we met, we would be going thru this? I am just glad I got to be here with you today. I love you Norm, that willl never change.

We are on a please volunteer if you can basis now, I am terrified of being alone so we are looking for volunteers to come and sit eith me while Norm works, Monday thru thursday 5 am til 3 pm. Norm takes such good cre of me. I am so sorry to everyone Ihave put thru this horrible disease. but appreciate so much the help you have been to me.

Hospice means no more hospital or Dr visits, just let the disease run it's final coarse, so opposite of who I am, but know I hve no choice except to accept it and be grateful for what I have been given, oh so many blessings even in my situation. Time to think of my journey that lies ahead. How will I ever do this without Norm? I know God has the answers, but how can I do this without my best friend in the world? How could I do this to him? I love him so very much. His parents are coming down in two weeks, I can't wait to see them, but at the same time, know it will be the last time here on earth. If timing comes out, they will be here for Norm, but once again even the timing of this is up to God. Please pray I can hold on until they get here, Norm is going to need them so bad. I realized today that my Mom got to have her Mom with her when she passed, Norms mom is just like My Mom, so hopefully I will get to have a Mom to be with me, but more importantly to be here for Norm.

May your road of life be filled with love, laughter and full of family and friends.

“I don’t want to chase living and not live.”

Ok, I know, its too soon for another post, 2 in one day, you all are going to fall out of your chairs. I have to say though the last one left a bad taste in my mouth, and I dont want it to put out there a wrong message to anyone, specially Tami when she reads it. The "throw in the towel" comment is bothering me real bad, because I haven't given up in my heart yet, and I dont think I will be capable of ever doing that even though some say eventually you have to.

I still think that we will be able to do something, that Tami will get this fluid drained, get home, feel better, get strong enough for the next task. It's Tami's fault I think that, because she is tougher than I could ever be, and I feel like she gets down, and comes back twice as hard. But now we are dealing with things that make me feel like we are giving up, and things like not planning the next treatment, or looking at Home Healthcare/Hospice, or even telling my parents that they should come down. All those things feel like I am giving up.

In the same sense, having seen everything Tami has done, and I dont think anyone can truly say they know everything she has been thru fighting this crappy shit. All those things, and I cant begin to imagine putting her thru anymore, but I cant just say its time to accept things as they are.

The title of this post is from Patrick Swayze, he made that statement on his Barbara Walters special a few weeks ago. Now I thought before watching that we would see this pampered star, with all his "people" running around taking care of him and living the good life even with the worst disease. But as he explained the things he has endured, and the chemos he has been on, and it all mirrored what Tami has done, I felt bad for thinking anyone is immune to what the beast can do to someone.

So we aren't giving up so much as we are choosing to live and not chase life, we have done so much chasing that I regret every moment of time that it has taken from us as much as any decision made that in hindsight should have been different or re-thought.

So we aren't giving up, but choosing to live a little more instead of chasing life so hard. I hope this makes sense to everyone. Ultimately Tami tells me what she can and cant do, and I stand behind her and hold her up as much as I can.

Tami had another 2000cc drained from her as they put in a semi-permanent drain (for those keeping score that is almost 2 two liter bottles of pop since yesterday). She was getting sick to her stomach some this morning which has me worried, she should get to come home tonight or tomorrow though. I am so selfish, but I am very much looking forward to her coming back home, cuz the house sucks without her in it.

Well...

I am not even sure what to title this entry, Tami had a CT Scan on Monday Night, she had been having horrible pain, and had been terribly bloated. The results were not surprising, but not good either. The tumors had grown in just a short 2 week period up to 20% more. We assumed that we would see growth, but of course it is still a punch in the stomach when you see it. The doctor sat me down and showed me where the tumors are, and how bad it is. Her bladder is surrounded and invaded by the cancer, the tumor in her liver measures some 15 cm. The cause of the pain and bloating is due to not only her gas problems but now fluid building up in her abdomen.

They drained some of this fluid from her yesterday, up to 1500cc of fluid, and she still has twice as much of that in her. They are going to go back and put in a catheter in her to drain this fluid at home. Hopefully she will be going home today or tomorrow. We both agree that she doesn't need to leave till her pain is at a controllable level.

Anyways, with this news, her Oncologist recommended that we move to Hospice option with Tami. This means someone will be in daily at home to take care of her, but also means that treatment would all but stop. They dont think she is strong enough to do anything surgically for her cancer, such as a de-bulking. Radiation would only target a small portion of the cancer and would only allow everything else to grow. Chemo with all its side effects would be hard on Tami, and possible wouldn't effect the cancer well enough to do much good.

It's not really fair, it isn't supposed to happen like this. I feel like I could have/should have done more for her, and its a tough pill to swallow now that we have to basically throw in the towel.

Special thanks to Liz, Sherri, and Sherry for covering for me at the hospital so I could go back to work some.

Overdue Update

Sorry for the delay in getting the update, with Tami still in the hospital and me back at work it makes for limited time for much of anything.

As I said, Tami is still in the hospital, She has had bouts of different pain, starting from an epidermal headache, which I hear is quite common, basically the hole they drill in your spine can leak spinal fluid and cause headaches, once it seals itself the headaches stop. Luckily Tami's seem to be easing up now.

Of course she can just be lucky enough to only have that, her tummy is horrible bloated up, she is having sever gas pain, they have her getting morphine from the internal pump in her, from an external pump she can hit when she needs, and they are giving her 2mgs of Deladid every 2 hours as needed. Basically the amount of pain meds she is taking would kill me or you if taken (this is a proven fact, I took a couple of her oxicodones for a bit of a tooth ache I had at the hospital the other day, and they pretty much floored me). She has built up such a tolerance of pain meds they have to load it on, carefully, for it to effect her.

It is frustrating coming to work, I feel like all the work I do with her kinda slips backwards, this isn't a knock against anyone helping me out and staying with Tami during the day, but I know I can push her  a little harder, or tell what she needs easier than anyone else. As an example, yesterday when all this gas started up she had a nurse she hadn't had before. Well this nurse had it all figured out. Tami asked for a GasX earlier in the day, and got it. Then she hate lunch a couple hours later and asked for another one, well the nurse would have nothing of it, Tami was required to eat more food before she would even consider giving her another GasX, she also claimed that Tami was not bloated at all, an apparently told her daughter Sherri that she wasn't hurting as bad as she was acting.

When I got there at about 4:30, I started asking for this GasX that Tami had been wanting since 1pm. At 5:30ish she finally came in with it, I asked why she thought she needed to withhold GasX from my wife, and how she could say that she wasn't bloated when Tami looked 6 months pregnant and her tummy was hard as a rock. The nurse went on to say that she had tried everything to get Tami to "go" (have a bowel movement) When I said the issue was the gas she was having, and that GasX offered some relief at times she just shrugged, started to walk out of the room and stated that she didn't have any answers, I replied with "obviously".

Tami doesn't need any extra drama on top of everything else, when she gets upset the gas and pain only get worse, I blame the fact that she probably wont be considered for release today all on that one nurses inability to show some care and understand, we know Tami's body better than any nursing school or any number of years experience. I was looking forward to getting there last night and getting her up walking around the halls, she did walk around the room, but in obvious pain. Tonight I am just hopeful I get there and she has some pain control back.

I have been staying with Tami till 3am, then driving home to get ready for work and check on the dogs and cat, it was hard to leave her this morning because she was in so much pain. Hopefully she will be able to get the gas a little more under control and we can get her relaxing again, days like yesterday just want me to get her home faster as we can look after her as well if not better than these hospitals seem to be able to pull off on a consistent basis.

Pain pump and such

Tami is still in the hospital, she got hooked up to the drug she will use in her pain pump yesterday. So far it seems to be relieving her pain quite well, and the pain Doc is pretty decent to. Tomorrow she will have the permanent one installed, as well the Urologist will scope her bladder to see what is going on there. If there is something wrong there are some options he can do while he is in there, from removing something to repairing any bleeding.

Tami was sleeping when I got there last night, and for a good hour and a half while I was there. It was good to see her sleeping so soundly although with me not staying with her it makes it kinda rough not to get all the time I can with her. Debbie seems to be doing good with her. She has been eating well and when she is awake she is very, well.... Tami :) We are hopeful that she will be out of the hospital on Friday, least that is what the pain Doc said it would take at a minimum to dial the pain pump dosage in. I hope so, the house is very lonely, besides the 2 dogs and a cat of course.

Back in the Hospital

Norm again...

We had to take Tami back to the Hospital last night. Let me catch you up to date. Last Thursday she started retaining urine somewhat from the pain meds. We took her to Outpatient care and had a catheter put in. It did not go well, it did not drain right and it caused her alot of discomfort. We took her back a couple hours later to have it removed.  The next morning at about 2:30 am Tami started passing blood clots when she peed. Needless to say this was a little concerning. We took her to the ER on Friday and they said it should be ok as long as she was still able to urinate, they could do a scan that could look and see what was going on in there but it being Friday they didn't have a urologist that could come in and do this, I suppose you should only get sick 9-5 Monday thru Friday.

Tami did ok the rest of Friday and into Saturday, then the pain flared up real bad, she started having trouble passing these clots and she wasn't eating or sleeping much. I, unfortunately, am a bad person for trying to stay up and get her relaxed to go to sleep, rubbing her puts me to sleep, or if she goes to the bathroom for a couple minutes I am out cold, she might have gotten a couple hours over night, but not much. Sunday morning we decided that she needed to go to the ER, that she couldn't wait for her appointment on Monday. We took her to St Mary's in Decatur as that is where she was to be admitted today for her pain pump anyways. The hooked her up to a catheter that would flush out her bladder. Right now they are leaning towards it just being a infection, perhaps caused by the insertion of the catheter from the Outpatient center. Worse case scenario though is that the tumor close to her bladder has invaded her bladder, at that point I am not sure what they will do. They hooked her back up to a PCA pump and she was able to settle down and get some sleep before I left the hospital. Her sister Debbie came down to spend the week with her so I could go back to work, I appreciate it greatly, but I am having horrible guilt about leaving Tami there in the hospital. 

Today they should have her scheduled to have a pump put in that she will be able to wear home. We are hoping that this will help her control pain enough to be able to get back to a more normal schedule, perhaps even Chemo. Right now we have her set up to have Home Healthcare come in and visit 2 times a week. I am not sure this will be enough, Tami shouldn't really be alone right now so I will have to see what I can do to get more help on Monday - Thursday when I am working, or even look into taking a leave from work. With everything going on they haven't given Tami much time, in fact the Oncologist told us just a couple weeks, but she back pedaled on that statement later on, regardless it's getting not looking the best, Tami is still swinging, but she is getting tired.

Currently Tami is at St Mary's, room 242. I dont for-see her being there much past Wed as they will want to observe her to make sure the dosage on the pain pump is suitable before discharging her. I get a lot of calls and miss a lot as well, just keep trying, dont think we are ignoring anyone, just sometimes its not easy to get to the phone or deal with anything but what is going on in the moment. I hope at least that this pump will give her some comfort, she has been fighting so hard, the pain she has been getting has just been insult to injury. I appreciate all the support we have been given so far, this is the toughest thing we have ever been thru, and it doesn't look like i will get much easier anytime soon.

Back home for a bit...

Sorry for not updating sooner, the internet was down when we got home yesterday. Anyways, after a rough night in the hospital, Tami decided that she wanted to go home and see the puppies and sleep in her on bed. We opted out on the surgery for the ileostomy, the risks of a surgery and the recovery time just doesn't sound appealing to Tami, not to mention the bad on her side. The surgery is there when ever we might change our minds, but for right now, it feels better not to do it. It didn't really seem to add alot of benefits compared to what it could cost her.

We are working on getting the pain pump procedure done though, we were going to transfer from DMH to St. Mary's where they do that procedure, but as I said above, Tami had enough. The last night we had stayed there we had yet another code blue on our floor, only a couple doors down. I think this was the first one Tami actually heard though and it struck to close to the heart for her. As I said here and in my blog, it does make it too real at times.

We took Tami to get a catheter put in today to help her pee, she had been doing ok with it but it slowed down later today. We thought maybe that having one at home would be a good idea. It didn't go so well, it never fails with Tami, if something can go wrong it will. She had it put in, and did not get any fluid return till we got home, then just a small amount. That wasn't too concerning to me, but then the pain and pressure started and we finally decieded to take her back to have it checked out. On the way back the pain just got worse, I finally said that it probably just needs to come out. I worry that the tumor by her bladder is causing issues, with the ballon inflated in there it might be making things worse. Once it was removed the pain subsided somewhat, but it just ended up being another frsustrating night.

Tami is very scared, heck I am too. I am here with her now, and next week her sister Debby will be, from there out I will need to look into havin someone come stay with her while I am at work. I hate having a stranger come in, but I know there are people that do this and would be very good for her. I am not sure when we will get into St Mary's for this pain pump, it will be a coupel day visit for that procedure, I just hope it will help some.

Frustration

Frustration, its all I can really describe how things are going right now. I am sitting here typing this update for Tami as she lay here on the bathroom floor not much different than at home trying to get things moving and trying to not have so much pain. Sure she is getting some better pain meds and more attention than I can give at home, but I would have thought she would be more comfortable and it just seems as bad, or worse considering where we are.

Tami's stomach is bloated like she is smuggling a football, at times its not so bad, but mostly bloated, they haven't done much for that, I dont understand why. I think perhaps this ilesotomy will be a solution, but then will it? I sit here watching her suffer and moan in agony, and all I can tell her to do is push the pain pump, push the pain pump, maybe if she gets enough meds she can sleep for a couple hours.

DMH has been wonderful for the most part, the LPN today is great, she is what a nurse should be, her name is Kristin, and she is just wonderful, I wont go to detailed, but she treats Tami like her best friend, like someone she cares about. The RN, well, she needs some work, and trust me, its rare we get a nurse here that we dont like but I just get tired of justifying everything Tami wants that isn't "ordered" or stuff that was ordered but has dropped off the schedule due to their system. Tami doesn't want an enema because she loves having strange people help her pass stool, she wants comfort and these help at times. No Tami shouldn't be going downstairs to go outside, but you know what, anything she does that is a crutch really isn't going to hurt where she is now, so you know what, dont worry about it.

Anyways, as far as an update goes this doesn't help alot, she is still trying to get her head around a bag on her side. I cant blame her, its a tough call, maybe this procedure will help, maybe it wont, maybe she will have less pain, maybe she will have more, maybe she will live 3 months, maybe more, maybe not.... It's hard for me to look her in the eyes and give her an opinion, an opinion I dont even know I could come up with if it were me. Sometimes I think the best answer would be to pick her up, take her home, cuddle up in bed with the puppies and just forget any of this happened, and let what happens happen.

Tami is one tough girl, just now, even at her weakest, and even in pain she makes me smile. She said to tell everyone to send brownies, and I doubt she was kidding.