For the last year and a half before Tami passed away, I was needed non stop, 24/7. I had purpose and goals. I knew what was expected of me, I knew what was needed and what I had to do. Was I perfect in doing that, no. Sometimes I was great, sometimes I sucked. Tami always forgave me, always. Nothing else matters.
So here I am Saturday morning, and no one needs me to get out of bed, nobody cares if I do. If I sleep all day, it doesn't effect anyone's day. If I dont clean this house, nobody cares, nobody worries about it. I don't have to make lunch for anyone, or take anyone anywhere. If I make a list of things to do, who cares if I don't finish it.
I wanna go to work and stay there all the time, somebody needs me there, they care if I show up or not. But Friday, Saturday, Sunday, who cares. Sure everyone will tell me they need me, they care, but was your day affected by my decision not to pick up that mess in the kitchen? Did you eat lunch today? No, the sun rose and set and me not doing anything wont affect that for anyone anymore.
Tami always said, when someone backed out of taking her to an appointment or coming over and hanging out with her that it was just me and her. That when it came down to it, and not to down play anything anyone ever did for us, but when it really came down to it, it was me and her.
Now its just me, and I don't know why I am here still. And only one being can answer that, and I have to put faith in that after all I have been put thru. All I have to say to that is W.T.F.
Psychic Kids
14 years ago
5 comments:
It's human nature that being needed gives us a sense of satisfaction despite the efforts required to fulfill the obligation. Many studies attest to that people who are needed live longer and are happier.
Fortunately you have put your finger on this problems, and understanding it means you can actually do something about it. You just have to come up with some kind of regular obligation you can take up for the weekends -- anything from family duties to volunteering, or even a pet that needs to be walked every morning at 6 a.m. Then you can bitch about how much work and effort it is and feel happier in general. :)
-- the lounge queen
Oh I have many many things I have to do, I mean Tami spoiled me absolutely rotten with bills and such that its been a constant fight to remember all the things I have to do. But being needed by her is a lot different than remembering to give the dogs water.
Believe me Norm - what you feel is "normal" ... I was in a fog for quite awhile after losing Ted. Our situations are so different, but the same also - I did not have to watch Ted weaken - he was taken so fast, so unexpectedly. I was totally lost on the weekends - now I wish I had more time. I threw myself into the basset rescue and I think it saved my sanity ... in time I hope you find something that you can give your talents to and take up empty time ... hang in there!
Nanc
LOL Norm, I guess you NEED to pay those bills, and it will be noticed if you're late paying them... :)
But seriously, nothing can replace the kind of "being needed" as you had with Tammy. What I meant was to find something else that makes you feel needed. Like a pet that has to be walked every day no matter what. Or babysitting for someone. Or regular volunteering in some form. The idea is not just to feel needed, but to have to put in a serious effort AND get a positive feedback for those efforts. That positive feedback is what is supposed to make you happier in general and get you to live longer. (And from the sounds of it, you will need to do that to pay all those bills ;)
And if you're gonna tell me that writing cheques is a serious effort and a "paid in full" notice is a positive feedback, I give up. :)
-- the lounge queen
Not just that one thing is a serious effort, but add it all up and it is. Tami did a lot for me/us, I probably didn't appreciate her enough for it either.
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