Change

I know everyone, not just here on this blog has said I should change something or that change has helped them, I don't know if its just me, or maybe a guy thing, but I hate change, least change that interferes or shakes up my life in any little way.

I mean even this blog, this was Tami's blog, and now I am using it for myself, I know she wanted me to do this, and on a number of days said that this is how she wanted me to carry on the blog and express my feelings (I think it helped her and I think she thought it would help me), but I rather log on and read what she is feeling, doing or whatever she felt like posting on any given day.

There is a lighter sitting in my bathroom (Tami had her bathroom, I had mine) sitting in that bathroom that she left in there the last time she lit a smoke in there, I clean around it or move it over a little depending on what I am doing, but I dont want it to move. Tami's dress she wore to Sarah's wedding is still in the chair she laid it down in. I have 2 cell phones because I don't know what to do about Tami's voice mail greeting. I could make that phone my own and keep the greeting as Tami's Grubbyland Candles greetings, but then I cant call and hear it either. Do I keep a phone with a greeting of Tami's, do I let it go. I dont know. So I continue to pay for 2 cell phones knowing Tami would be pissed to know I am still paying for both when I dont have to. The list goes on....

The worst change is the change I cant control. The fact that she isn't down the hall making candles, or naping on the couch. The fact that nobody is coming over today to see her so I am not going to have any visitors today. Nobody is going to call me and ask me how she is doing so I wont get any calls. It's like I am stuck in a moment in time and everyone else just kept moving forward and I have no frackin clue how to catch up to everyone. I dont know how to move forward. She isn't here to tell me what is next.

Before, I can remember stealing a minute to play on the computer or watch a show I had recorded, now I have so much free time I dont know what to do with myself, its not like there isn't things I could do around here, but I cant focus, I seriously think I am losing my mind. Tami needed me so much in the end, and now nobody needs me. I can come and go as I please. I have no where to go.

W.W.T.D.

It's going to be my new slogan. What Would Tami Do (W.W.T.D.). Those of us that knew her, ask yourself before doing something, what would Tami do, or say to you if she were here. I know there are a number of things that should have been run through this process already. So ask yourself... would Tami slap you upside your head?

Today sucks, 4 weeks. I get lonely in a crowd now, no idea if anyone understands what I mean, if you do, it sucks. I feel less lonely in this house all alone. Although this house sucks all alone too. I just have a dislike for life today. Not going to share much right now, it would probably all be negative.

3 Weeks....

Sorry, I should have posted this much sooner, in my defense Bromenn was slow to get it online as well. On the 17th Suezette Lorriane was born. I know Tami was there for it, but its still tough, she was always excited about grandbabies, but she had a special tingle in her heart for grandbaby girls.

Right now I am sitting here sucking back a Molson Canadian, I haven't had one of these in years. Still my favorite beer and was nice to find I could get it down here. It's been 3 weeks today, I am still having trouble thinking that Tami is not around somewhere, that she is not somewhere, where I could go find here or call her or anything. I find myself wanting to go places where I did things with Tami in the hopes of getting that rush of memories. Here in the family room where she passed, I just find it hard to imagine she isn't down the hall making candles or watching TV just out of sight. I certainly cant wrap my mind around the fact that I have a simple little wooden box sitting on the ledge here in the family room. I cant relate it to Tami in anyway.

My parents leave for home on Tuesday, its been so great having them here although I am starting to fear Tuesday night, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.... etc. I have never lived truly alone, I don't know that most people have, you were either with your family, spouse, roommate, whatever. I am not sure where things are going to go. So much is already starting to happen, and I ask Tami for advice, but she hasn't answered yet, so I have to figure out the right things to do for problems big and small that seem to be popping up.

Work just went thru more layoffs, just seems like everything has went to shit all at once, it would be nice to have some time to catch my breath, but I suppose that wont happen for awhile. Life never did seem to care about slowing down. I just hope from here out I make the right decisions for me and the kids, that I make Tami proud. I cant really fill the void she left, but I hope I can keep from creating a larger one. I miss her love, I know everyone says its still there, but to know Tami you would know its not, she made me feel so good just with a simple word or look. She kept me grounded and focused, she was my moral compass, now I have to find my way without her.

Well, beer is done, time for bed. Kids are coming over again tomorrow for a little cook out.

2 Weeks...

Incredibly busy day today, hardly time to think about much of anything, of course its always there. It doesn't matter what I do or where I go, it always is accompanied by a memory, from fun ones, to the most mundane. It's a weird experience, I dont know that I could justify the feeling with words, its not just like thinking of something or a memory, I dont know, I did so much with Tami, and very little without her, I mean seriously, when I wasn't with Tami I was probably at home or out with Sarah.

I mean really, Wednesday I went to a Praire Thunder hockey game with my parents, and Sarah and Josh were there as well. When they did there little opening show and announced the starting line up I got a rush of emotions and I could have broke down if I let meself, but being Canadian the only time I should cry over hockey is when the Vancouver Canucks finally win the Stanely Cup. Me and Tami went to so many games, we were both excited to have a team, we bought jerseys, she bought a white home one and I bought a dark away jersey. She got hers signed by all the players at the time. We had fun.

So I have yet to find a place that I dont get this vibe/feeling/whatever from. I am not really complaining but its sort of uncontrolled and I dont generally like uncontrolled things. The only thing bad about this feeling is I have yet to stop it from leading to thinking about Tami's last few days, I cant shake that. I have alot of guilt about that, and its mine to have and deal with, but it bothers me still, and it takes away from the moment.

I'm also bothered by the fact that I, and be prepared for my geekiness to shine thru now, that I cant remember dreams these days, or that I haven't gotten some sort of sign that Tami is ok now. I read and watch so much on events like this that I was hoping to have an experience myself, just something small or subtle. But it bothers me that I haven't remembered a dream since Tami passed. In one of her journal entries she said that she would let me know she is ok, even if it were in a dream. I know, sounds crazy or far fetched, chances are though she gave me a sign and I probably missed it, and no dount its added to my list of things to answer for in the end.

We had a nice dinner at Tami's sister Sherry's house, with her husband Dan, and Debbie and Mike there as well. It felt weird being there without Tami, and I was even feeling a little guilty, like I shouldn't have been there, that she should have instead, like I was robbing her of something. But I know that's not the case.

Anyways, writting is just another way to stall bedtime, so I better head out now.

Without You

This song just popped in my head as I started to write this post. Ya I know, from Metallica, Motley Crue to James Blunt we have some weird music taste but hey, what ya gonna do, its not my fault this is what I grew up on for music, and well, they just seem to be falling in to place depending on the day.

Anyways, I hadn't heard this song in so long but it just popped into my head when I was trying to spread out here what I am feeling the last couple days. Without You by Motley Crue (Lyrics & Video).

Yesterday was a rough day, I am not sure why, well besides the obvious, but I get these thought patterns where everything starts running thru my head, the past 18+ months. Everything good that happened, everything bad, all the things we did together, all the things we didn't, all the things we never will. I replay the last few days with Tami over and over till my mind races out of control, like someone puts my mind in a blender and sets it on high speed. It may have been a full blown anxiety/panic attack if I knew what one was. I had to leave work early and it took me a few minutes to catch my breath in the truck before I started driving home.

As I write this post, another of Tami's friends she made is going thru the same phase as Tami just did. Once again making this so real all over again. Tami had made a number of friends thru this journey of hers, I can remember the first friend she lost and how much she cried when she learned that they had passed. I can remember feeling like Tami had this whole existence that I couldn't even understand, and that these people online knew this part of her better than I ever could. It's mind boggling to think about how many people are going thru the same things we are going thru, losing your life, your loved one, your friend. It's truly not fair.

I bought a movie at Walmart yesterday, I brought it home and nobody got mad a me for spending money on a stupid DVD, I used to tell Tami that the those damn kids in Clinton slipped another movie in my cart when I wasn't looking, but it was ok because they always slipped one in that I would like. She'd just shake her head at me, its not even fun to buy a movie anymore.

1 week

Well it's Friday, tomorrow it will have been one week since Tami left. Everyone has been really supportive so far, and its been nice having the parents here. I've been sleeping, although I only have managed twice in my own bed so far. Last week at this time I was sleeping on the couch with Tami, her repeatedly squeezing my hand thru the night, looking back its like she knew, I dunno.

I am not sure its fully sunk in yet, I mean with my parents here and everyone being around its been a bit of a buffer, all that will die down soon and I will be alone in this house. It's a little scary to be honest. I am sure I can keep myself busy with any number of things but I don't know that it will help.

I had a nice lunch with Eric today, I hope to hang out with him and the rest of the kids more going forward. Mckayla and Korban are here tonight, spending the night. Its nice, but I still feel like a piece is missing. We were washing Korban's hands in "Nana's" bathroom, and in the corner were a pair of Nana's slippers. Korban asked whose those were and I said they were Nana's. Korban said God better come get those slippers for Nana. How do you not just melt? We proceeded to discuss all the things they already had in heaven, I assured both kids Nana has more than we have down here, I also said that Gizmo was there with her, and that made them happy.

I dunno, I feel the worst is yet to come for me, I feel like the private melt downs I have had are just the start, the distractions I have managed to keep throwing up will eventually run out, sooner or later Sarah and Josh or KJ and Kristi will get sick of me, gawd I am the odd man again, the third wheel, this just blows my mind still. I am still waiting for Tami to come down the hall telling me to get my butt off the computer.

This blog

First off, thanks to all for everyones support and love during this time, I am not sure what I would do without all of you, my parents being here makes this house not seem so lonely, although its still not the same, never will be. Tami touched everything here, everything about this house had Tami's touch in some form or another, how could I ever change a thing, I couldn't. I am having a hard time cleaning up simple things, so the house is still a bit of a mess, least by Tami's standards, I can hear her, I should pick up, but I wont right now. Sarah, just add it to my list of things I will hear about in the end.

As for this blog, it was Tami's wishes that I keep it going for a year after her leaving. So I will continue to post until Feb 28th of 2010, god willing. For this post I want to share a little bit of Tami's journal she wrote for me and her kids and sisters. This is the final note she wrote in it. It is dated 1-21-09.

"Just home from a week in the hospital. I never knew the end would come so fast but feel I am almost there. I love you all so much, thank you for being in my life + thank you for helping me. Norm thank you for loving me + being so kind to me. I will miss you all so much. Always stay strong + be there for each other + know that I will always love all of you with all that I am.
Forever + Always,
Mom, Tami."

Services for Tami

On Tuesday March 3rd at 3 pm we will be having services for Tami in Clinton at Calvert Funeral Home, 201 S Center St. Afterwords, there will be drinks and desert for those that would like at the First Christian Church of Clinton. All Tami's friends and people that cared for her are welcome to attend.

Announcements will appear in the Bloomington and Peoria papers on Monday.

Thanks to everyone for their support.