Anyways, I hadn't heard this song in so long but it just popped into my head when I was trying to spread out here what I am feeling the last couple days. Without You by Motley Crue (Lyrics & Video).
Yesterday was a rough day, I am not sure why, well besides the obvious, but I get these thought patterns where everything starts running thru my head, the past 18+ months. Everything good that happened, everything bad, all the things we did together, all the things we didn't, all the things we never will. I replay the last few days with Tami over and over till my mind races out of control, like someone puts my mind in a blender and sets it on high speed. It may have been a full blown anxiety/panic attack if I knew what one was. I had to leave work early and it took me a few minutes to catch my breath in the truck before I started driving home.
As I write this post, another of Tami's friends she made is going thru the same phase as Tami just did. Once again making this so real all over again. Tami had made a number of friends thru this journey of hers, I can remember the first friend she lost and how much she cried when she learned that they had passed. I can remember feeling like Tami had this whole existence that I couldn't even understand, and that these people online knew this part of her better than I ever could. It's mind boggling to think about how many people are going thru the same things we are going thru, losing your life, your loved one, your friend. It's truly not fair.
I bought a movie at Walmart yesterday, I brought it home and nobody got mad a me for spending money on a stupid DVD, I used to tell Tami that the those damn kids in Clinton slipped another movie in my cart when I wasn't looking, but it was ok because they always slipped one in that I would like. She'd just shake her head at me, its not even fun to buy a movie anymore.
7 comments:
I found your blog through shawndra's. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you start your life without Tami.
God bless you
I too have found your blog through Shawndras. You are in my prayers.
You know in your heart that Tami is still shaking her finger and smiling when you bring that movie in the house :) Think of that and smile.
I still think of you and include you in my prayers each day.
Jackie
We love you, Norm...sometimes that's all we have to offer. God doesn't promise us smooth sailing, but he does promise us himself and each other when we have rough days. We are always available to lend an ear, some company, or whatever. I do encourage you to try a grief counselor, or even just a run of the mill counselor for that matter. I have used one, and you will be amazed at how freeing it is to be able to speak freely and have a chance for some help processing your thoughts!
Remember that we love ya!
kristi and the fam
Don't be reluctant to have the occasional meltdown -- it's a much needed mental and physical release and relief after trying to keep your grief in check. Take care of yourself, Norm.
-- the lounge queen
yes the grieving process does take a while, and it sure is hard to get through. I know that you will do fine though. you have a very supportive family, and one that loves you very much. that song on your blog is really cool. it brought tears to my eyes. hang in there Norm. your bloggers will help you through this. just keep in mind our angel is looking down on us. she will keep us in line. Barb and Dale
It actually does sound like an anxiety attack. I've had them, well many of them.
Good day, bad days - one can never tell till you get up and get going and get through it.
Truthfully, music helped me a lot and as I've said also the grief groups. But that could be a ways in your future yet. You will know when you want to talk. Right now you are just hurting. Hang in there day by day.
Hugs,
Marie
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