Reality starts to hit home again

Some moments I can almost forget I have cancer. The last chemo gave me plenty of those since it wasn't really hard on me. I am starting to feel the effects of what I guess is the cancr without chemo, and I am not real fond of the way it is making me feel. I continue to have problems eating, going to the bathroom, feeling nautius, feeling tired and I can feel bumps and lumps under my skin which I am sure are tumors.Oddly enough my hair is coming out in handfuls now, my stomach is rock hard most of the time, even water turns my stomach. I have to find a way to eat without pain and without bloating up like a elephant. I look like one of those malnourished childen you see on tv, a whopping 114 pounds with a massively swollen stomach. Before I rarely slept, now that's all I want to do is sleep. I imagine this too is a result of the cancer taking over in my body. I pray the new chemo will put me back to feeling ok again, ok enough to eat, and digest in a normal way. I fear how much longer I can keep this up, I fear what is yet to come, and am scared. What is it going to feel like to die? Will I be by myself, will it just happen or will we know when it is coming. I have to talk with God about more of this because honestly I am more depressed than I ever have been in my life, but who wouldn't be?

The highlight of my day was when Sarah and Sherri came over for a visit with DeAnn and baby RJ. This is what life is all about. I so look forward to the weekend so I can hang out with Norm. I miss time away from everyone, yet dont really feel well enough to be with anyone, does that even make sense?

I have decided that if my hair keeps coming out in handfuls, this sunday will be the day I shave my head. I dug out my F&*K cancer knit cap and will be wearing that unless the babies are around. Why am I losing my hair when I am not even on chemo now anyways?

Most people don't get the time I have had to do the important stuff, to hug those kids and babies a little tighter, to love like I never have before or to even find friends I never knew I had. I am grateful for all of the time I have had, but I know still at the end of this, I die, plain and simple, yesterdays news, done. I also know that at some point my pain and misery will end. I have thought to myself if I could choose a fast quick death or a slow cancer filled journey, which would I choose, and as I feel myself coming to the end of the slow cancer filled journey, I am not sure, ya I have had extra time with the ones I love, but aren't we gonna have the same result just in slow motion? This cancer stuff is brutal to the body and to the mind, and to the minds of the ones you love. Have I chosen the wrong path going thru all of this chemo only to have them walk thru misery with me, or have I given them precious extra time with me? I always said that one dayI wanted to go to New york, but I know that day isn't gonna come, I did all this work to make myself feel better to be able to be me again, not even realizing that I would never be me again. Perhaps the few who have said they wouldn't do chemo are the smart ones, death is inevitable, I guess it all comes down to how bad do you want life, what are you willing to go thru and will it change the ending. There I said it, the ending, I never realized until tuesday that I couldn't change the ending. death still calls my name, even after 19 rounds of chemo, 1 long surgery, recovery...did it matter? Was I oh so strong or oh so stupid, dragging my loved ones thru more mud that I could have spared them, just for a chance to feel their love one more time.
Bck 14 months ago, I could have did the trips I wanted to do, told my loved ones how much I loved them and then just died, again I am questioning my choices, hopefully like the saying the grass is greener on the other side, hopefully those around me aren't coming to the same conclusion I am today.... I am gonna die anyways, so why did I fight so hard to die anyway

Just numb today

trying to figure it all out. We have decided that we can't go to chicago every week for treatment, we can't afford a weekly trip up there and a hotel stay every week. From what I read, this chemo is pretty tough on the body, the blood counts and brings with it high fever. We are going to check out a new oncologist locally to have some of the treatments done at. This just makes sense as I want to be local when the time comes,not in Chicago. I have grown a serious dislike of Chicago. I have grown a serious dislike to many things, like restaurants i have eaten at while undergoing chemo, applebees is definitely on that list. I have been trying to slowly start deleting out my bookmarks for candle making. I know there won't be a time when I will ever get to go back. Everytime I press the delete key, I think "are you happy now cancer" I miss life like it used to be, I even miss life like it was two days ago.

I am really having problems digesting food now. It's as if my stomach grabs each breath of air I take for hours after I eat, resulting in belching for hours and a horrid bloated feeeling. Thank goodness for liquid moriphine.

I want to accomplish as much as I can before I start the new chemo. It blows my mind what all I have been thru and how I continue, but I know it's just what you do, get in line and follow along.
Thanks for your prayers, I just need peace.

so the thunder starts

We didnt get much good news today. The cancer has spread. It has seedlings typical with my type of cancer in my retroperitoneum(pelvis) The tumors in my liver have also grown, depending on the way you look at it up to double the size they were just 6 weeks ago. There is another treatment called gemzar. It also is typically used for other cancers than mine, but we are going to give it a try. It will mean treatments each week for 3weeks and then one week of rest followed by 3 more weekly treatments and then a ct scan to see if it is helping. He did say that the more chemos you use, the less likely they are to work. This will be my 4th type of chemo.

You have to remember back in March when they did my surgery, they told us there was places they could not get, from my liver, my pelvis, and my bladder. We saw soon after the tumors on my liver reapear larger than ever. Even though the Drs believed there were more areas of cancer the scans always just showed tumors in the liver so this is a HUGE let down, as the docs now get the point on this one, so we are down0-1, and it really stinks when it's your life you are talking about. These seedling bastards of cancer could be causing all of my stomach problems also..

I am sad, sad that I can't seem to grow a rose in a garden but can sprout seedlings on my insides. bad seeds at that. I am sad that we have to so clearly focus on cancer and what it does. I am just depressed or worn out tonite, not sure which, maybe I am just numb,knowing the day would come, but not wanting it toever be here.

I pray I can make it thru the holidays. I don't want to leave a extra have to remember date in 2008. I have to rely on faith, hope and life to get me thru this. I don't wanna waste a second, there is so much I want to do, but feel too lousy to do any of it. Spending time with people is at the top of my to do list. That's what life is all about, spending time with friends and family. I have to find more waysto reduce my boredom. I get so bored here somedays. I pray for hope and light. Thank you all for hanging in with me, your powerful prayers continue to work, everything wll come in time, his time. I have to remember this often. Hug your kids and grandkids today, call them and tell them how much yyou love them, life is way too short to dwell on things that dont matter, find out what matters in your life.

When the Dr Calls

Well, Dr Benson wants to see us in chicago tomorrow to go over what he is seeing in the new ct scan. This can't be good news, when Norm asked if I might get my treatment tomorrow, he was told no, they have to precertify for insurance. I am afraid we are going to a place we dont want to be tomorrow. If you believe in the power of prayer, please pray for me. I hope there is another treatment waiting for me, but fear there isn't since we have been told before there isn't much more we can do here in the U.S.
God Help Us!

I prayed three times today

These are the words my grandson, Skylar said to me. I rarely check my voicemails and when I did,I found a message from Skylar, crying, telling me he loved me, missed me and needed to talk to me... my heart sunk. Skylar is just 9 years old, his other grandma had breast cancer and he got to watch her brave her way back to good health, Skylar knew I have cancer too. I realize now he made that call after he was told I was in the hospital and not doing well. I called skylar immediately and he cried to me on the phone telling me how much he loves me and misses me and needs to see me, we set up for him to come over today to help carve a pumpkin an then he said i prayed 3 times today nana. I nearly couldn't keep it together. I told him to keep praying that God always listens tous when we pray. I realized then I had broken my grandsons heart. My precious 9 year old grandson was told the inevitable, that I was dying of my cancer. This breaks my heart. This precious child should NOT have to go thru this. he shouldn't have to hear this. I told his other grandma to make sure one day when things got bad to tell Skylar that her cancer wasnt like mine, as I dont want skylar to wonder if he will lose her too. I never thought I would have to face that day and I have. I have broken my tender hearted grandsons heart, I have stamped him with a stamp that will never disapear, I have now marked his life forever in a way I never ever wanted to impress on any child. This is the single hardest thing to have to do when it comes to cancer and dying, is to mark those sweet caring, impreshionable children. God, why do I have to do this to my babys? I don't understand anymore at all.
I am going to be carving a pumpkin with skylar this afternoon and i know it will be so different fromevery other year, for I have marked my grandson with a mark i never ever wanted to, the stamp of his Nana's cancer, the stamp that he knows now that Nana wont be like mamaw and spring back to life. This is the face of cancer I hate the worst, do anything you want to me, but not my babys, not my babys............I Love you Skylar more than life itself.

Out of hospital

I am out of the hosptial,left on my own. Wasn't getting proper care and wasnt about to stick around for more rude, arrogant half assed care so left. Things will work themselves out one way or the other. As has already been said GOD is good all the time. thank for prayers.its true, the ony one i can truly trust is GOD, he will never let me down.

Me Again

Okay, Kristi again...Tami didn't ask me to give this update, but I know we have some GREAT prayer warriors out there, and I wanted to keep you updated...

Friday morning we had POOP!!!! So, that's the good news...

Unfortunately, there was MAJOR frustration today. One know-it-all doc that thought she had all the answers, and was totally not hearing our concerns. Seriously, Tami was ready to walk until her patient advocate came in, and we finally got some communication going.

Kenny and I had to leave for home around noon on Friday, because I am working Fri-Sun. I'm very frustrated that I can't be there in person right now to advocate for her, but I did spend quite a bit of time on the phone with Tami, Norm, the floor nurse, and Tami tech. After hours of talking and call after call, we finally got somewhere...

Wait, let me back up...sorry I think I am getting a little groggy!

Today, the docs are saying that they are encouraged that Tami's bowels are moving, and desire to find a good combination of bowel/pain regimes that work for her so she can go home and eat and not have pain. There isn't nearly as much testing going on as we imagined, and I got a desperate email from Tami about meds, which began my gaggle of phone calls around 10:30 tonight. When I last talked to her, her blood pressure had dropped (again!) and she was loaded w/ pain meds, zanax, and a sleeping pill, plus bowel relaxers and a laxative. She was getting quite loopy, so after one more call to the nurse to smooth things over and make sure she is looked after, I am hoping she can settle in for some sleep. I am assuming she is pretty pooped (pardon the pun) after a stressful day of trying so hard to communicate, and hope it wore her out enough to cause a restful night of sleep.

I know I am rambling a bit, so let me summarize...

The docs think that this bowel issue is multi-faceted...a combo of bowel changes post surgery and maybe even med related (pain meds can complicate constipation.) They want to keep her there to find the winning drug combo to prevent these pain episodes so she can eat w/out fear before sending her home, and have talked about a follow up colonoscopy once her bowels are less irritated.

Please pray...

For wisdom and direction for the doctors. That they are caring and work hard to find and solve the source of her pain.

For Tami for comfort and peace. That she can rest up and feel acknowledged and heard. That she can eat without fear and pain, and for God sakes, that her blood pressure stop dropping and that she can stay hydrated!

For Norm, that he continues to advocate for her...(and me! I HATE being this far away)

Thanks so much for the support, you will never know how comforting it is to see the people that care for our mom! (in-law)

I will try to update one more time towards the end of the weekend when I am less sleep-deprived or if anything new comes into play...

Okay, bedtime!

Tami is in the Hospital

Hey Everyone,

It's Kristi here...for those of you who don't know yet, I am Tami's daughter-in-law, and she is one of if not the best friend that I have. She is responsible for the sensitive, affectionate man that I love, and she is a constant source for wisdom and love...

I am blogging tonight because Tami asked me to. She really uses her blog and the comments on it as a source of strength, and God knows we could use some strength and peace right now.

I got a call this afternoon from Norm, telling me that he was driving Tami up to Northwestern tonight, as we have not had a trace of poop since Monday and Tami has dealt with crippling pain as a result. So, they decided if they had to pick a hospital, her oncologist's home hospital was the best choice.

Well, here it is a bit after 11, and Norm just called me and Tami asked me to update all of her prayer warriors on here so we could unite together in prayer. After a CT scan, the doctors have discovered what they are referring to as a "partial blockage," and it is unknown what the next plan of action will be. I will be waiting up for the next few hours, as Norm will call me back after they meet with the surgeons who specialize in treatment of this condition. I promise to update you as soon as I hear anything.

Until then, may you all know the grace and mercy of God's unfailing love. May you rest in the shadow of his comfort, and rejoice in the thrill of his presence. Give your loved ones hugs and kisses, and hold those you love as close to you as possible, for every day is a precious gift.

I will leave you with the words I love to live by, as I have found strength and peace in them...

God is good...ALL the time!

Peace.
Kristi

Same stuff, different day

I can feel it getting old for everyone around me. I hope everyone knows how much I hate putting them thru this. There are no answers sometimes. Sometimes theres nothing new, just the same old, same old. I wish I had a better update, but was supposed to hear from gastro dr yesterday about getting a colonoscopy on friday, withholding part of chemo til next week, but no call, no news, so who knows if chicago will even happen at all. who knows anything anymore..............I woke up last night a few times from horrible pains from no poop, as I said sometimes it's literally same shit, different day. Eating hurts, digesting hurts, i suppose it's just cancer and cancer hurts. I hope this cancer is as lonely as I am, I hope this cancer disapears one day in the midst I hope I find me again one day, I don't like being like this anymore either...

Off to Chicago tomorrow and reflections of the way it "used" to be

for my appt, with the gastro Dr. The weekend was filled with ups and down, pain episodes, feeling great enough to get out last night and take Skylar to a hockey game, more pain followed by pushing myself to get out today and take Mckayla and Korban to the pumpkin patch for pumpking picking, corn maze and face painting, oh and pumpkin cookies for the kids. It was fun to hang out with the grandkids throughout the weekend:) Sarah came down earlier so it was great to spend time with her even though I wasn't feeling the best. Hopefully the Gastro Dr can help us get all of this figured out. Thank God for my sister Sherry for coming down to get me and taking me up to Chicago tomorrow. The human spirit continues to amaze me with everyones support for me as I go thru all of this. It still feels surreal at times, all I can do is thank God for the love of those around me, the kindness of complete strangers as the benefit comes together and the presence of my loved ones. Again today I am blessed

Normal days don't seem, well no they aren't what they used to be. Even now, I feel like I have wasted so much time with the ones I love, I have this neat screen saver that goes thru all the pictures over the years on my computer and it still hits me that I was normal then, but wasted so much time, so much precious time. It brings life clearer that we never get a redo of even a second of our lives. Thank those around you, love those around you, and remember there are no redos when you go about your normal day, you never know when normal will change forever. One thing is for sure, life is so precious, I wish I hadn't wasted a second, a minute or even a day with those I love. I plan to remember this in whatever future I have left and hope if you are reading this, you will take it to heart and remember there aren't any redos, so make it your best second, minute or day.

I stopped for a minute tonite to reflect with Norm on how different my journey would be if only the Dr that did my colonoscopy 5 years ago would have found the tumor on my colon then, or perhaps it would have just been a polyp then, or perhaps which I doubt it wasn't even there then. I did all the right things and still slipped right thru the cracks. If that Dr would have found it then when I was 41 and had my first colonoscopy, my life would be so different now. It doesn't really matter now, or does it? Once again, there is no turning back time....precious seconds wasted day dreaming about if only they would have found this sooner, if it takes 10 years for a polyp to turn to cancer and I had a colonoscopy just 5 years ago, why, oh why am I where I am now? slipped right thr the cracks, and thinking about it doesn't change where I am today, just more wasted seconds ticking away from my life... I wonder if this is how my Mom felt, as she passed away at a mere 44 years old of this beast we call cancer. No more wasting precious seconds from my life clock..tick, tick, tick

Today I realize how blessed I am

Today I realized how blessed I am, actually every day is a blessing from God. All the textbooks, weblinks, even many Dr's say I shouldn't be here, and yet I am here. As my Daughter in law Kristi says, we continue to find the pearl in the sandstorm. I am nearing the 14 month mark. It is true, it is so hard to find hope when everywhere I look, it says hopeless, yet I have found hope for 14 months. I need to live my own advice, at the beginning of this journey, my first oncologist wanted to tell me how long I had, I told him I didn't want to know, and said to him, there was only one that knew the true answer to that and it wasn't him. I need to rely on him a whole lot more. That one is God. I know he is with me every step of this journey and only when he decides to take me from my earthly body to heaven, is the time when I will go. I need to rely on my knowledge of this even more.

I have learned so much about love and life. It's not about how clean your house is, if the toilet paper has to go turned up or down, or even about anything you own. It's about the people that touch you and the people you touch in your life time. Think back to when you were a child, think of the teachers that stand out in your mind, It's the same way throughout life. Everyone you come across will teach you something about life, good or bad, but they all create who you are., and everyone you come across, you will teach them something as well, good or bad. The rich man is no better than the homeless man. It really isn't about the storm but learning to dance in the rain.

On the health front, I am having a tough time getting thru these stomach issues but I am workig on them. I have a apt in Chicago on Monday to see the gastro dr that did my endoscopy so hopefully he can help a little more. I ended up in the local ER again today after I felt light headed and just not so great today. My magnesium was a little low, as were some of my other counts, but not better than they normally are 2 weeks after chemo. My platelets are in the don't play with knives stage but hopefully they will rebound before next week when I go for my 8th round of this chemo. My stomach gets unusually quiet mid day, and perhaps it is just normal, but for me, it is a bit scary for my stomach to suddenly go quiet when it is usually filled with motion I can feel. I have switched laxatives and am hoping for good results, no pain episodes today so that is a very good thing. I even ate 4 times today so that is a big thing for me to be able to do that.

The best part of my day was getting to see my grandson Korban(booga) today. He is 3 and he is filled with so much life. The sparkle in his eyes and the kisses he blew me completely made my day and my struggles all worth while.

When the professionals aren't very professional

I guess this is one of my biggest pet peeves. After realizing I needed something else besides miralax. I called my gastro office. The nurse called back several hours later and said well take citracel, I said I can't do the fiber approach, she said well then it's a crap shoot haha... I said nothing, I wanted to say, after you leave the office today make sure you go home and have a huge wonderful meal, follow it with a nice dessert and then snack the rest of the night, and do it all for me since I can't eat because I don't know what will happen anymore that it is taking all of my energy trying to figure this out so I can eat enough to survive.... something small but it bugged me, along with every tv show, commercial, saying, etc that jokes about cutting cancer out, things growing like a cancer, and the list goes on and on and on. I guess this nurse thought this was a joking matter, well it's not, it's serious, and I am scared, scared enough to rather not eat than chance a pain episode, and well we all know that can't happen. It pisses me off that I have fought this disease that the statistics say I should have died months ago, to be at the point that they can't even help me find a way to go to the bathroom without making jokes and offering no suggestions, too bad it's very real for me, but it makes me wonder what this world has come to?

Ok I have ranted enough, now time to try to chill out and let go and let God again.
Look for a link to more details on the benefit for me coming really soon. Thank you to all who are using your time, planning this all out for me. It touches my heart in a very deep way.

Happy Anniversary Norm

Today is our 13th wedding anniversary. It seems like I have been with Norm for a life time and yet our time seems so short. He certainly has taught me alot about life and I am glad he is my soul mate. I hate putting him thru this but can't imagine going thru this without him. I am thankful this man came 2400 miles to be with me! God must have known I was going to need alot of angels in my life, and I am sure he sent me Norm as one of them.

Today I haven't had any pain episodes. I started off this morning with enough gurgling to burp up the house full of air, then everything got real quiet and stayed that way until dinner time. It felt weird, my stomach was quiet, almost scary weird but I decided to let go and let god, and just go with it. I am again gurgling, but most importantly no pain episode! I think we are going to try to get in with the gastro dr in chicago that did the endoscope on me a few weeks ago when we go up for chemo next week. Maybe he can put a better light on what is going on. Today I have decided to let God do the driving for a while. He knows better than I do what will help me, and so I have placed this all into God's hands and asked him to help me however he sees fit. I just have to keep reminding myself, I am safe with God, and can kick back while he shows me what needs to be done and what I can let go of, as I like to say, I am trying not to sweat the small stuff. I almost feel a sense of calm, and that is what I need most.

Prayers needed for a fellow colon cancer friend

I believe in the power of prayer. I have met many people on my journey with cancer. Shawndra is one of them. I hope they don't mind, but I am going to post a link to her blog. Can you all please put Shawndra in your prayers? Shawndra and her family really need them right now. She has shown me strength since my journey began and she could really use your prayers.
http://shawndraturner.blogspot.com/


My friend for over 20 years snapped me out of my funk today. I don't think she even knows it but she did it with a few select words, she told me in a email that I needed to stop worrying about the what if's, that they weren't doing me any good and were only making me upset. Debbie, thank you for bringing me out of my funk with your email. Your words have made me grab ahold of the rope and pull upwards again.

Barb and Jackie you made me smile so big today with your kind gift of flowers! I don't know what I did to deserve friends like you, but I am so glad to have both of you in my lives. They couldn't have arrived at a better time.

I just had a pain episode, this is the first one in 10 days and if nothing else I think we figured them out finally, hopefully. Here goes the poop talk, Friday I ended up in the emergency room with diarrea and numbness to the left side of my face. I can't seem to get a happy medium between being constipated and having constant diarrea. Finally after changing bowel relaxers, because of the crazy feeling they were giving me, being told to just stop taking them at all, they were causing constipation. Well for two days I had no poop, so this morning after talking to my nurse in chicago, she said it was safe to take miralax up to three times a day, so I took miralax this morning and then pooped, but as the day wore on I felt like I had a obstruction going on so I took miralax again this afternoon. Bad choice! By this evening I had major diarrea and then I had a pain episode. They feel like a air lock. My entire stomach into my chest just feels like one giant cramp that lasted for over 45 minutes tonite and immediately I am filled with air that feels like one giant air lock. I think we have finally figured out it is the miralax. I pray it isn't that I have strained my colon somehow and that they don't continue. BUT, I think we finally figured out this is what happens after too much miralax, which we had suspected, but were just glad for the relief. Tomorrow will tell, but I think we are finally figuring it out. It's time for the Dr's to put me on something else for my bowels to move, and definitely time for me to learn patience when it comes to pooping, even if the Dr thinks I need to go every day, some days it's just not going to happen. Sorry to be so frank about poop. It's just like talking about the weather around here these days, we even have our own poop names, pretty sad, but true...

It's definitely time to quit worrying about things I can't control, and hang on to the things that make me smile. Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I know that this is just the beginning, and know their is eternal life with Jesus Christ.

Just thinking tonite

I used to feel like I was a good writer, but lately I just can't think it thru. Does that even make sense? I was just watching Oprah recorded and a thought hit me, what if Oprah had cancer? Would cancer treatment change? Would a cure be found sooner? She would definitely have better access to the best care whereever that may be. Then I thought to myself, why didn't Oprah get cancer? She isn't married, has no kids, no grandkids, has accomplished so much in her life. Then it hit me, maybe it is because she has been a cause for change for so many people, maybe that's why she doesnt have cancer. Maybe I haven't made enough impact onto other peoples lives, maybe thats the reason I have cancer. I ask God all the time to show me the path he wants for me in life, I promise I will walk whatever path he lays in front of me, I plead and I beg with God to take this cancer away. I ask, why me? Sometimes this all seems so surreal, I can't even imagine it, yet I am living it. I read the weekly bulletins from church and cut out the special section in each one. I am told not to worry for God knows exactly what I need and will provide it for me. I have learned God will not give you more than you can handle, yet this seems so overwhelming, most days I don't feel like I can handle it. I continue to search for my path in life, and hope that I have changed enough lives, been friends enough, been a inspiration to someone, been a good enough wife, mother, and nana. I pray I am on the right path to heaven. I wonder what heaven will be like, I can't imagine I am told. But I can't imagine that I won't miss every one I know in this life. I can't even imagine.........

I am still feeling crappy. Nausea and shakiness all the time. The poop vibes worked, well a little too well, so I am hurting from that. I am still scared of having a pain episode, but starting to feel a little more confident. I still haven't added anything with sugar back into my diet. I wonder if what happened was a reaction to the ct dye. I realize these pain attacks started the day after I had my last ct scan, all I can do is weed through all of it one step at a time. I have learned to have so much patience. I think that is why I go thru crazy spells, it's the old Tami coming back that stresses about everything and has no patience what so ever. I have learned so much about life over the last 13 months, and yet I thought I knew it all before. Onward I go, one breath at a time, one day at a time, trying to live in the now, not in the past, nor the future, just in the now.

Above is a picture of me and Norm at Sarah's wedding. l LOVE this picture. I am glad we have this picture to cherish. I have always been a "don't take my picture' kinda person, so in the last 13 months, I have turned into a take my picture... reminds me of the old kid smart alec saying "take a picture it lasts longer"

Next week is mine and Norm's 13th Wedding Anniversary! I can't imagine who I was, or how I made it in life before Norm. He is yet another of my angel on earth team members. I am finding I have a lot of people in my angel on earth team. Thank you all for being in my club. I am fortunate.

Plans are under way for a benefit for me for the saturday after thanksgiving. A team of angels are putting it all together. more info to follow, if you are interested in helping with the benefit, donating, attending or whatever, please email me. This is a tough thing for me, admitting we need the benefit. It feels weird, yet I know it is needed and could be my only hope to going abroad for treatment. We have also decided that the profits from Tami's cancer kickin candle will go towards the benefit. This was not a easy decision but after I talked with a few customers and they said they assumed that was where it was going, I thought about it and agreed. It stinks to be down and out, but sometimes that's just the way it is..... as I say way too often these days, It is what it is.

Just not feeling that great

Well the good news is I haven't had a pain episode since Friday afternoon. The bad news is I just don't feel good. I am sure it has something to do with these shots, but not sure if it is because I need more shots or less. The shots are normally given to carcinoid patients, which I am not, so I can't go by the usual symptoms that patients take the "rescue" shots as they call them. I feel like I could throw up, I have that hot feeling running from my liver area into my right arm and feel feverish. I pray the cancer is not growing. I pray it is just from the shots, or not enough shots or whatever else, maybe just from chemo. Thanks for the comments and prayers, they really are helping me. Thanks for burning your cancer kickin candles. Maybe that's what it is, the cancer going away leaving my body. The truth is I am terrified that I am getting close to the end. I don't even want to waste time doing mundane stuff, it's as if every second counts, literally.

I am also really depressed again, I should be happy I have life, but I am at the "it's not fair" stage again, I am trying to figure out why me, and why my family. I hate that I am putting so many people through the sadness my diagnosis brings

The latest

Well my stomach pain episodes continued, we went up for chemo on Wedesday but more so to figure this out. I couldn't eat anything without pain, so was avoiding eating, doesnt take long to figure out the hot stove top burns when you touch it, so just quit touching the hot stove top.

I had lost 5 pounds when I got to chicago, Dr felt either I ran out of sandostatin the shot, since i was 12 days overdue for chemo or i needed endoscopy. gave me shots to take 3 times a day to catch up, a prilosec type pill, muscle relaxer, blood counts were great, so they gave me chemo. the next morning, i had the worst stomach pain episode ever after having a yogurt, pain was horrible, hip to hip, up to ribs into chest, into back horrible pain, lasted hour and a half. Of coarse this happened just as we were getting ready to leave the hotel, so called the Dr, gave me liquid moriphine. Finally thursday night Gastro doc called, friday morning he did endoscopy, gave me stronger muscle relaxer, stronger pepcid type med, found inflammation in my stomach and esophogas, took biopsys. Just at wits end, left there ate, had anothr bad attack, came home with 8 new presecriptions.. told maybe it could be from using miralax too much, cut back on miralax, sorry to be so bold but so now no poop, not a good thing since they want poop every day. Good news is, no pain episodes today, so now to figure it all out, and pray and hope no more pain episodes and poop to come. like end stage of labor pain with childbirth but lasting hour and a half. not fun at all. need prayers to get past this, still afraid to eat but know i have to , hoping and praying whatever it was is done, shots in belly 3 times daily for next two weeks not fun, but can deal with it if it works.. sarah is finally home from honeymoon, was so worried we were going to have to call her home, afriad we were looking t the end. glad shes home, couldnt worry her while she was honeymooning. please pray for no more pain episodes. They hurt so bad. Got thru day 3 of chemo pills finally today, was tough not being able to have a cracker in between all the pills, but made it thru, cancer just plain sucks, i pray this gets better. thanks for your prayers, thanks to norm for not wringing my neck when i was beside myself ugly to him from so much pain and fear