Reality starts to hit home again

Some moments I can almost forget I have cancer. The last chemo gave me plenty of those since it wasn't really hard on me. I am starting to feel the effects of what I guess is the cancr without chemo, and I am not real fond of the way it is making me feel. I continue to have problems eating, going to the bathroom, feeling nautius, feeling tired and I can feel bumps and lumps under my skin which I am sure are tumors.Oddly enough my hair is coming out in handfuls now, my stomach is rock hard most of the time, even water turns my stomach. I have to find a way to eat without pain and without bloating up like a elephant. I look like one of those malnourished childen you see on tv, a whopping 114 pounds with a massively swollen stomach. Before I rarely slept, now that's all I want to do is sleep. I imagine this too is a result of the cancer taking over in my body. I pray the new chemo will put me back to feeling ok again, ok enough to eat, and digest in a normal way. I fear how much longer I can keep this up, I fear what is yet to come, and am scared. What is it going to feel like to die? Will I be by myself, will it just happen or will we know when it is coming. I have to talk with God about more of this because honestly I am more depressed than I ever have been in my life, but who wouldn't be?

The highlight of my day was when Sarah and Sherri came over for a visit with DeAnn and baby RJ. This is what life is all about. I so look forward to the weekend so I can hang out with Norm. I miss time away from everyone, yet dont really feel well enough to be with anyone, does that even make sense?

I have decided that if my hair keeps coming out in handfuls, this sunday will be the day I shave my head. I dug out my F&*K cancer knit cap and will be wearing that unless the babies are around. Why am I losing my hair when I am not even on chemo now anyways?

Most people don't get the time I have had to do the important stuff, to hug those kids and babies a little tighter, to love like I never have before or to even find friends I never knew I had. I am grateful for all of the time I have had, but I know still at the end of this, I die, plain and simple, yesterdays news, done. I also know that at some point my pain and misery will end. I have thought to myself if I could choose a fast quick death or a slow cancer filled journey, which would I choose, and as I feel myself coming to the end of the slow cancer filled journey, I am not sure, ya I have had extra time with the ones I love, but aren't we gonna have the same result just in slow motion? This cancer stuff is brutal to the body and to the mind, and to the minds of the ones you love. Have I chosen the wrong path going thru all of this chemo only to have them walk thru misery with me, or have I given them precious extra time with me? I always said that one dayI wanted to go to New york, but I know that day isn't gonna come, I did all this work to make myself feel better to be able to be me again, not even realizing that I would never be me again. Perhaps the few who have said they wouldn't do chemo are the smart ones, death is inevitable, I guess it all comes down to how bad do you want life, what are you willing to go thru and will it change the ending. There I said it, the ending, I never realized until tuesday that I couldn't change the ending. death still calls my name, even after 19 rounds of chemo, 1 long surgery, recovery...did it matter? Was I oh so strong or oh so stupid, dragging my loved ones thru more mud that I could have spared them, just for a chance to feel their love one more time.
Bck 14 months ago, I could have did the trips I wanted to do, told my loved ones how much I loved them and then just died, again I am questioning my choices, hopefully like the saying the grass is greener on the other side, hopefully those around me aren't coming to the same conclusion I am today.... I am gonna die anyways, so why did I fight so hard to die anyway