Race Weekend

So this weekend was the NASCAR race at Chicagoland Speedway. Me and Tami started going to races some years back, the first time being a fathers day present from her to me, she ended up enjoying herself more than she thought she would, and the rest is history.

Friday is the Nationwide Series race among other on track activities. I went up myself on Friday, and actually it was kinda nice to go solo. One I could just wonder as I pleased, two I could just kinda take it all in without Tami there. Funny thing is the drive up it rained the whole way, and when I parked it continied to rain, and then about a half hour later the sun came out and was beutiful the rest of the day and night. I have been trying to take Tami's advice from some of her recordings, about moving forward, not letting her cancer take anymore life away anymore. So I have been, and it felt ok at the race this weekend, yeah I still feel guilty that I get to enjoy these things that she loved as well, but I know she would have been more hurt if I continued to dwell on the hell we went thru the last 2 years.

Saturday was the cup race, I went up with my borther-in-law Mike in his motorhome along with a couple people from work. That was a good time as well. The weather was beautiful once again, not too hot, no rain. I was all decked out in Kurt Busch gear, my driver had always been Mark Martin and he came out of retirement this year, but the last few years since he stepped away to a partial schedule I picked up Busch as he was Tami's favorite driver, I just felt like I had to wear the blue deuce colors again this year, so I did. I must mention as well, anytime I wear Mark Martin stuff he does poorly, so no Martin stuff on race day :)

I little over halfway into the race, off an excellent pitstop the 5 car came out in the lead, and continued to lead most of the race. Now on a personal level I haven't had much reason to believe in much, I guess a faith crisis if you want to label it. As we got closer to the end of the race I thought to myself, "Tami, if Martin wins this race, I will go to church tomorrow." Anyone that has followed NASCAR and specificly Martin at Chicagoland knows he generally runs well there but usually has late problems. Well this race was no different. On a restart Martin slide up the track in turn one falling to third behind Johnston and Vickers. I thought to myself, least I dont have to get up and go to church tomorrow.

Once again the caution flew, and we were poised for another restart, this time Vickers and Hamlin managed to muscle by Johnston and he fell way back, then not much longer Hamlin and Vickers touched and slide up the track and there was Martin, out front again and the rest is history, and I drug my butt to church this morning.

You can spin that how you want, Martin has been running good this year, he always has done well at Chicagoland, but all the races me and Tami went to, we never got to see our favorite driver win, and of all years, this year I get to see Martin win. Could be something, could be nothing, all I know is I made a promise last night and I thought I better keep it, I am sure Tami has enough to kick my butt for right now, I dont need to add to it.

Made it through another big day...

Had a pretty good 4th this year, Debbie invited me up to Peoria to watch the fireworks from Spindler Marina. It was a good time, she has some colorful friends but it made it that much more fun. Of course I think I will be allowed to come back as I am good at moving dead weight late at night, right Deb?

Of course it wasn't the same as it was last year, or any years in the past, but then it probably will never be the same and the sooner I embrace that the better I will be I suppose. Some days I would just like to know what she would think, about how I am doin.

Of course, if I need to know how I am doin I have the next best thing, Sarah, my daughter. I went to Mankato a few weeks back and I had gone out with the people I went with and had a few beers. They were giving away glasses with the beers, so I went for a set of 6. I showed these glasses to Sarah the last time she was over and in what I can only describe as a Tami type tone she asked "Who did you go do that with?". You gotta love her, and its nice to have someone who cares about how I am doing, what I am doing and so on. Even today, I was a little sore from hockey on Friday, and I was moaning occasinally and such and she asked, yet again with a touch of Tami in her voice "Drink too much last night? Not that it's any of my business." Of course I hadn't but also told her of course it was her business, it makes me smile pretty big when she says stuff like that, I was so lucky to share Tami's life for 14 so years, let alone everything else I have taken from this journey.

So if anyone is worried about me, dont, Sarah is checking up on me. :)

Just another week...

Pretty uneventful week this week, just went thru the normal motions, I did get to have Skylar spend the night and we went and saw a movie. It was a good time, of course when I was taking him home he was upset cuz he wanted to stay more, of course with his baseball schedule its next to impossible to get him one night let alone more.

I suppose I am doin ok, lonely, but what to do right.

Happy Father's Day!

So Wednesday of last week I had to drive to the Department of Homeland Security's Immigration office to get finger printed for citizenship, you know I cant go anywhere new it seems, no I have never been to this office before but the trip took my right by the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. And of course I started thinking, that was the first NASCAR race me and Tami attended together, those tickets she bought me of course.... can you guess? Yup, a Fathers Day gift. And beyond that there was just alot of race trips and memories to go along with it all, lots of NASCAR, a Formula 1 race, and alot of good times. And I remeber the good times, but they still, at this point, make me sad. Yup, our 1st race, where I think Tami ended up enjoying it more than I did, and of course Indy was where Tami first decided that Kurt Busch was her driver after his altercation with Jimmy Spencer.
Friday was another fun day with Mckyala and Korbin, we got to swim, and of course Mckyala after a small bathroom break came running our from the house and jumped into the pool without her floaties, of course she popped right back up with her big eyes wide open. I asked her if she had forgotten anything, and then told her I think it would be ok if she swam without floaties and she was quite excited about that, Nana would be so proud of her. And not to be out done, Korban swam into the deep end with his floaties on, this was a big step for him as he preffered to swim with his arms wrapped tightly around my neck last year.
Sunday was a good day as well, Sarah and Josh came out and brought food for a cookout, and Sarah baked me some Chocolate Chip Cookies, they even cleans the kitchen afterwards. It was a nice day, and I still count my blessings as I dont know how I would get thru these past few months (almost 4 now) without Sarah. Fathers Day isn't about getting a day off or getting a cool gift, its about being proud of your kids and seeing who they have grown up to be, and maybe even patting yourself on the back a little because you might have had a little influence on that (the good and the bad ;) ).
I hope, even though I have just a lowly stepFather, that I have been a good one and that I have been atleast half as good as my own dad has been. That is a huge undertaking as he set the bar real high.
I hope everyone had a good day as well, even if your dad is no longer with you, I hope you remebered him and honored him.

As a personal side note, all you anonoymous comment makers, leave your name, I would love to know who is commenting :)

Home Sweet Home

So I was up in Mankato, Minn for 3 days last week. Some training for work, really enjoyed the training and the new tools they showed us. It was nice to get away for a bit, it felt like I was just away from home and when I got back Tami would be waiting there, or I could call her and talk to her after training. Of course that wasn't possible, and even driving home I started to dread walking into the empty house... I mean besides the 2 dogs and a cat, but you know what I mean. Didn't help it was the same route home you take coming back from the Mayo Clinic, but dont get me started on that again.

Of course I didn't even think of the other downside to this little trip, I asked Sarah to come over and check on the dogs for me thru the week, which of course met she had to come over to the house with no one here. I think it was pretty tough on her, no I know it was, I mean I have had almost 4 months to get used to coming home to no Tami (not that I am used to it yet) and this house I think as been a little avoided by everyone which is a little sad to me, but I can understand, I mean if I had somewhere to go I know there would have been a couple days I wouldn't have come home just because everything in this house is Tami. I know, I know I can change stuff..... but not yet.

Anyways, I have a short week this week, I have to drive to Indy to get fingerprinted by the FBI! No worries people, its the next step in my bid for citizenship. I took Wednesday and Thursday off so I will see if I can motivate myself to do something around this house.

To go with the title of this entry here is the song of the week..... another Tami favorite....
Motley Crue - Home Sweet Home

To do or not to do....

I have yet to decide what is harder, doing things I used to do with Tami without her, or doing new things that I never did with Tami. They both have their positives and negatives. Today I went to the NHRA races up in Joliet with Debbie and Mike, I hadn't been to this type of racing since I was probably 19ish, and I never went with Tami. It was pretty fun, and good racing, of course it just seems weird not having Tami there, things happen and you just know what Tami would say or do. Or what we would have done during the race might have been different had she been there.

Or like movies, I guess I started movie night, one to get out on my own, but also because it was never something Tami really cared to do, she liked movies, but was not real big on going and sitting in a theatre for 2 hours.

Doin things that me and Tami would do, well that is a whole other thing. I guess the bets way to describe this would be like trying to do something with only one arm. It doesn't feel natural, and you really miss that other part of you. That is probably the best way I can describe it, I have lost a part of me and doing things doesn't feel natural not to mention the guilt of doing things, OMG the guilt....

I cant tell you how guilty I felt holding that little baby on Tuesday knowing that Tami wasn't here to hold her. I know what everyone will say but the truth is I feel guilt and regret for so many things, I mean even as far back as when we first started talking. It's crazy, I know its crazy for the most part, but its a very real and somewhat deabilitating feeling. I can drive myself into a ball curled up on the couch with those thoughts somedays.

Anyways.. was an ok weekend, all be it rough at times, but then I dont think I have had a week go by yet that didn't have some bumps, and I dont forsee any coming up that wont have any.

Payton Holt

I wanna congratulate Eric and Sharon on the birth (finally :P) of Payton today at 11:30am this morning. She came into this world a whopping 10 pounds.... poor Sharon (who is doing well). And as is customary, Payton, pooped when I got to hold her.

Nana got to see Payton with the cool 3D sonograms they do now before she passed, and no doubt she was there today when Payton was born. I wish she could have been here to hold her.