Just thinking tonite

I used to feel like I was a good writer, but lately I just can't think it thru. Does that even make sense? I was just watching Oprah recorded and a thought hit me, what if Oprah had cancer? Would cancer treatment change? Would a cure be found sooner? She would definitely have better access to the best care whereever that may be. Then I thought to myself, why didn't Oprah get cancer? She isn't married, has no kids, no grandkids, has accomplished so much in her life. Then it hit me, maybe it is because she has been a cause for change for so many people, maybe that's why she doesnt have cancer. Maybe I haven't made enough impact onto other peoples lives, maybe thats the reason I have cancer. I ask God all the time to show me the path he wants for me in life, I promise I will walk whatever path he lays in front of me, I plead and I beg with God to take this cancer away. I ask, why me? Sometimes this all seems so surreal, I can't even imagine it, yet I am living it. I read the weekly bulletins from church and cut out the special section in each one. I am told not to worry for God knows exactly what I need and will provide it for me. I have learned God will not give you more than you can handle, yet this seems so overwhelming, most days I don't feel like I can handle it. I continue to search for my path in life, and hope that I have changed enough lives, been friends enough, been a inspiration to someone, been a good enough wife, mother, and nana. I pray I am on the right path to heaven. I wonder what heaven will be like, I can't imagine I am told. But I can't imagine that I won't miss every one I know in this life. I can't even imagine.........

I am still feeling crappy. Nausea and shakiness all the time. The poop vibes worked, well a little too well, so I am hurting from that. I am still scared of having a pain episode, but starting to feel a little more confident. I still haven't added anything with sugar back into my diet. I wonder if what happened was a reaction to the ct dye. I realize these pain attacks started the day after I had my last ct scan, all I can do is weed through all of it one step at a time. I have learned to have so much patience. I think that is why I go thru crazy spells, it's the old Tami coming back that stresses about everything and has no patience what so ever. I have learned so much about life over the last 13 months, and yet I thought I knew it all before. Onward I go, one breath at a time, one day at a time, trying to live in the now, not in the past, nor the future, just in the now.

Above is a picture of me and Norm at Sarah's wedding. l LOVE this picture. I am glad we have this picture to cherish. I have always been a "don't take my picture' kinda person, so in the last 13 months, I have turned into a take my picture... reminds me of the old kid smart alec saying "take a picture it lasts longer"

Next week is mine and Norm's 13th Wedding Anniversary! I can't imagine who I was, or how I made it in life before Norm. He is yet another of my angel on earth team members. I am finding I have a lot of people in my angel on earth team. Thank you all for being in my club. I am fortunate.

Plans are under way for a benefit for me for the saturday after thanksgiving. A team of angels are putting it all together. more info to follow, if you are interested in helping with the benefit, donating, attending or whatever, please email me. This is a tough thing for me, admitting we need the benefit. It feels weird, yet I know it is needed and could be my only hope to going abroad for treatment. We have also decided that the profits from Tami's cancer kickin candle will go towards the benefit. This was not a easy decision but after I talked with a few customers and they said they assumed that was where it was going, I thought about it and agreed. It stinks to be down and out, but sometimes that's just the way it is..... as I say way too often these days, It is what it is.