Just blah....

It's just been one of those blah sort of days. I mostly laid around and did little of nothing. I managed to drag my butt off the couch to go see the new Pixar movie Up. Of course it was great, me and Tami always loved those movies, watchin them with the kids. That said, of course the main character had just lost his wife.... lol... I cant get away from it!

Oh well, what are ya gonna do? Keep on keepin on.

A quarter of a year without Tami.....

For Tami, just cuz...

James Blunt - Carry You Home

Pool opening

Well you long term followers of this blog might remember last year at this time, when I was pronounced the pool boy and promptly fired a few weeks later. Tami was so into the care of the pool, she knew what chemicals needed to be added when, heck we would have the water tested at the pool place, they would tell us what we needed and Tami would scoff at them when they turned their back cuz she knew better, and she did. Here we had this woman, getting her butt kicked by Chemo out there scrubbing the pool not cuz I wouldn't do it, but because she had to do it herself, that's just who she was.

So I opened the pool this weekend, it opened to a slightly green tint, after one night of the pump running it was clear as a bell. I had scrubbed the heck out of it, shocked it and was all prepared to scower Tami's computer to find all her pool links to see what else I needed to do but so far it seems pretty good. I will test it again in the morning but so far its come inline pretty fast.

Beyond that I guess I am doing ok, I still have horrible bouts of guilt about everything, but I suppose that is normal. I pretty much have settled into the fact that I wont be getting much better anytime soon. The group is still pretty good. I think about Tami non-stop. I dunno, it still doesn't seem real most days. I am not sure it ever will. I been in heavy denial since August 2007, I really haven't found away out of that yet.

Tomorrow (Sunday) Clinton church is doing a memorial service for people who have passed away over the last few months. I told Tami I would go, so I will go, probably by myself, but that's ok, I am learning how to be by myself. I did call up Sarah (and invited her and Josh to a movie) and my parents and told them I got the reciept for my citizenship forms, just cuz I dont have someone to go home and tell, its still feels nice to be able to tell someone that something happened in my life even if I think now the people I am telling are not all that interested in everything I have going on. As a side note, waitresses seem to take better care of you when you are alone, so there is a bonus there I guess.

Staying busy, or trying to...

It's been a fine balance of trying to keep myself busy and not get myself over-whelmed with things to do. I am tired today, although its a good tired. I had Korban and Mckayla over night and then took them to Maydays here in Clinton. They are a breath of fresh air for me, they love me unconditionally and boy some days I just need that. Today I need that, I got it.

The group has been helping I think, although I feel myself being drawn towards wanting to help someone else when I am supposed to be looking out for myself, there goes my superman complex flaring up again. Not that I dont think that I shouldn't help other there, but I am not fixed yet, far from it, although I have days where I feel okay.

Tami's one big wish was to keep her family together, and it's a daunting one. I dont really know how hard I am supposed to work towards that. Some days I feel like I am investing too much, other days I feel like I am not working hard enough. I take things too personal at times, if someone lets me down or doesn't come thru or backs out on a commitment. Tami would always make sure I didn't beat myself up about things like that. It was always me and her and I could always count on her to be there, now without that support I find my self getting run over by these things when I really shouldnt let them bother me. I do take it personally when someone backs out on plans, I have so little in the way of plans these days, missing out on something hurts.

My emotions really run unchecked these days, I get mad at everyone all the time, they dont know it of course, and I am usually over it before they have any idea, and to be honest most of the time its nothing they really even did. I still have so much anger, guilt, sadness, you name it, I got it. Add in an unstable work place with the economy and you got a mixture for great fun.... not.

I just have to learn to be alone, and I can remember many discussions with Tami, and her saying I would be fine, but alone is not my strong point. It's something that was always a big fear of mine. I always told Tami I would go first because of it. So much for that.Training myself to function alone is tough, I do ok with some things, but mostly its just hard. Some days I would just rather be with Tami, I have so much to talk to her about, 11 weeks worth of life. I know, I said I would stop counting.... truth be told, I count every second.

The song of the week (and yes a country one to boot, not to worry though it was written by Nine Inch Nails so that makes it ok right?) This one is performed by Johnny Cash, I grew up on a lot of Mr Cash from my Dad, fitting this song is in my playlist currently.

Hurt by Johnny Cash

Happy Mother's Day

Yet another first is upon us, but it will be harder on the kids than me I am sure. Tami was a great mom, it's one of the reasons I loved her. She was a good parent, not perfect, but I doubt there is a perfect one, but they dont get any closer than Tami did. Any parenting I was able to do, or do now will be based of who my parents are and who Tami was.

I am sad for the kids, I invited them all over tomorrow for a cook out, purely open to them, if they wanted to, I would be here and would cook up some brat burgers and hot dogs. If they don't show up for any reason it wouldn't be a big deal. I just wanted to give them something to do if they needed it. On one of Tami's voice recordings she said I would have to be the mom and the dad. Nobody could replace her, not as a mom, or a wife, or a friend.

I bought some rose bushes, I know Tami always looked forward to getting a rose bush on Mother's Day. So I am going to plant some tomorrow. I hope all the mom's out there have a great day.

I have to stop counting, the weeks are in the double digits, it doesn't seem real.

9 weeks

Well for those of you suggesting it, or that have mentioned it, I have been going to a group, going on 4 weeks now. The jury is still out on it, I mean its nice cuz I know on Mondays I have something to do, somewhere to go and I will be around people that understand better than anyone around me right now. In fact based on that I have scheduled things for myself to do thru the week. I have been going out to Weldon Springs and walking around that twice, I am trying to get to Stick & Puck twice a week (Stick & Puck is open ice hockey). Fridays I go to lunch at Bandana's, this week I had a friend come along which was nice, and the girls at Bandana's finished my order when I hesitated so they are getting to know me. Saturday night is movie night, I go out and find something for dinner and hit the theaters and pick a move. Those and other little things keep me focused on what's coming up instead of what's past.

So the group has given me that, The person that runs the group should be nicknamed Barbara Walters as she knows just what to ask to make ya choke on your words, which is probably what I need, she knows the right questions to ask. I guess my problems with the group so far is it has made me reflect on some things going on right now and some of those thoughts and actions scare me a little. They scare me because there are people that have taken those thoughts and actions farther than I have. So you might say that this is a good thing, but it hasn't resolved these things in my head.

I miss my original vent person. I could always come home from work and talk to Tami, or I would have an insecurity about being a step-father and talk to Tami, I always had Tami to talk to, then when she was sick it was harder to do, most things going on in my world outside Tami's battle seemed far less important. Even so, someone else stepped up and let me vent to them, but since Tami's passing have pulled back from that a lot, and I know everyone has to deal with this in their own way but it's tough because somedays I feel like I lost more than just Tami. That's not to say others haven't reached out and I haven't been the best of accepting that, well lets be honest I have flat out ignored or avoided some just cuz I cant deal with talking about Tami to some, I feel bad about that but you get a comfort level with some people and others it's tough to try and get there with.

I guess the bottom line is I am lonely, some of it self imposed, some of it thrust upon me. There is a line in a song "A crowded street can be a quiet place when you're walking alone". That line hits the nail on the head, there are times I feel more alone in a crowd than I do in this house by myself.

So what do I do about it? I am gonna pay a few bills, go mow the lawn, get ready for movie night and try not thinking about ways I could be with Tami sooner.

3 Doors Down - It's the Only One You've Got