Staying busy, or trying to...

It's been a fine balance of trying to keep myself busy and not get myself over-whelmed with things to do. I am tired today, although its a good tired. I had Korban and Mckayla over night and then took them to Maydays here in Clinton. They are a breath of fresh air for me, they love me unconditionally and boy some days I just need that. Today I need that, I got it.

The group has been helping I think, although I feel myself being drawn towards wanting to help someone else when I am supposed to be looking out for myself, there goes my superman complex flaring up again. Not that I dont think that I shouldn't help other there, but I am not fixed yet, far from it, although I have days where I feel okay.

Tami's one big wish was to keep her family together, and it's a daunting one. I dont really know how hard I am supposed to work towards that. Some days I feel like I am investing too much, other days I feel like I am not working hard enough. I take things too personal at times, if someone lets me down or doesn't come thru or backs out on a commitment. Tami would always make sure I didn't beat myself up about things like that. It was always me and her and I could always count on her to be there, now without that support I find my self getting run over by these things when I really shouldnt let them bother me. I do take it personally when someone backs out on plans, I have so little in the way of plans these days, missing out on something hurts.

My emotions really run unchecked these days, I get mad at everyone all the time, they dont know it of course, and I am usually over it before they have any idea, and to be honest most of the time its nothing they really even did. I still have so much anger, guilt, sadness, you name it, I got it. Add in an unstable work place with the economy and you got a mixture for great fun.... not.

I just have to learn to be alone, and I can remember many discussions with Tami, and her saying I would be fine, but alone is not my strong point. It's something that was always a big fear of mine. I always told Tami I would go first because of it. So much for that.Training myself to function alone is tough, I do ok with some things, but mostly its just hard. Some days I would just rather be with Tami, I have so much to talk to her about, 11 weeks worth of life. I know, I said I would stop counting.... truth be told, I count every second.

The song of the week (and yes a country one to boot, not to worry though it was written by Nine Inch Nails so that makes it ok right?) This one is performed by Johnny Cash, I grew up on a lot of Mr Cash from my Dad, fitting this song is in my playlist currently.

Hurt by Johnny Cash