8 weeks

The longest I have ever been away from Tami I think at most was 2 weeks when I went home for a visit. Of course when we first met it was a long distance thing, but we talked almost everyday. Now I go hours on end with out talking to anyone. It just seems to be getting harder as I go along. I have come to the conclusion that I am actually not losing my mind that everyone around is, so that is some comfort.

8 weeks, I rather count down the time till I will see her again rather than count up the time I haven't.

7 weeks

I am just alone today, and the sad thing nothing or no one could change that, I could be around everyone I know and it wouldn't help what I am feeling.

Happy Easter All

Hope everyone is having a great Easter, and the Easter Bunny was good to you.

FYI, those of you that had my phone number it has switched to Tami's old number and my is shut down.

Also, I have discovered the joys of Facebook, I was always not so keen on sites like this, but so far I have been in contact with 3 people I have not talked to in over 13 years. So if your on there, look me up.

Fixed Facebook link....

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Need

For the last year and a half before Tami passed away, I was needed non stop, 24/7. I had purpose and goals. I knew what was expected of me, I knew what was needed and what I had to do. Was I perfect in doing that, no. Sometimes I was great, sometimes I sucked. Tami always forgave me, always. Nothing else matters.

So here I am Saturday morning, and no one needs me to get out of bed, nobody cares if I do. If I sleep all day, it doesn't effect anyone's day. If I dont clean this house, nobody cares, nobody worries about it. I don't have to make lunch for anyone, or take anyone anywhere. If I make a list of things to do, who cares if I don't finish it.

I wanna go to work and stay there all the time, somebody needs me there, they care if I show up or not. But Friday, Saturday, Sunday, who cares. Sure everyone will tell me they need me, they care, but was your day affected by my decision not to pick up that mess in the kitchen? Did you eat lunch today? No, the sun rose and set and me not doing anything wont affect that for anyone anymore.

Tami always said, when someone backed out of taking her to an appointment or coming over and hanging out with her that it was just me and her. That when it came down to it, and not to down play anything anyone ever did for us, but when it really came down to it, it was me and her.

Now its just me, and I don't know why I am here still. And only one being can answer that, and I have to put faith in that after all I have been put thru. All I have to say to that is W.T.F.

Heaven awaits your heart and flowers bloom in your name...

Well maybe it's time to not be so depressing on this blog. I mean I dont feel horrible 24/7. Now that is not to say I dont miss Tami like mad 24/7, but I dont think I honor her by feeling sorry for myself 24/7. The picture I included here was taken back in the beginning of time for me and Tami. Her first trip up to Canada to see me. This specific picture was taken at Chilliwack Lake, Britsh Columbia. This was at the back of the lake where my family camped many times when I was a kid. The back of the Lake is no longer accessible by car, but at this time we could still get there. Tami loved the mountains and the county up there. In fact I would go as far as to say she made me appreciate what beauty I had up there and just took for granted on a daily basis. Isn't that a life lesson for us all, lets not stop earning from Tami. Make sure you appreciate all the beauty in your life around you at all times, taken nothing for granted.

Tami's first visit up there was a lot of fun. Sarah came up with her. And for a side note, the picture above was taken moments before I got Sarah mad at me for the very first time as well. The note to self taken that day was "Throwing little girl in lake funny once, not so funny second time." It was fun sharing something like that with Tami (and Sarah and I dont mean making Sarah mad at me either :)) and I am glad I was able to do that. Oh there is many more things I wish I could have done with Tami, but I was able to do a lot with her as well.

Anyways, I think that I probably will try out a grief support group. Someone at work lost their wife about 2 months before me and really recommended how much it is helping him out. I will at the very least give it a go. The past week has shown me that I really don't have a firm grasp on what I am doing or where I am going. And after a particularly scary night last Sunday on a personal level, I think I need to at least try other avenues.

I got to spend a bunch of time with Sarah this weekend, she has proven well in becoming a backup moral compass for me, meaning when I am about to do something stupid she isn't afraid to tell me so. She is a lot like her mom and that is something for her to be very proud of.

Sunday is proving to be the toughest day to get thru, not so much during the day, but the evening. I guess it's sort of the wind down day, everyone is settling in for the week ahead, its harder to find a distraction to keep me occupied. Chances are good that Sunday evening will be a day I am guaranteed to have to get thru on my own.

The song of the day is Fly to the Angels by Slaughter and the lyrics here, here is a small sample:

Pictures of you--
oh, theyre still on my mind--
you had the smile--
that could light up the world--
now it rains--
it seems the sun never shines--
and I drive--
down--
this lonely lonely road--
oooo I got this feelin'--
girl I gotta let you go--

(Chorus)--
'cause now youve got to fly--
(fly high)--
fly to the angels--
heaven awaits your heart--
and flowers bloom in your name--
you've got to fly--
(fly high)--
fly to the angels--
all the stars in the night--
shine in your name--