Need

For the last year and a half before Tami passed away, I was needed non stop, 24/7. I had purpose and goals. I knew what was expected of me, I knew what was needed and what I had to do. Was I perfect in doing that, no. Sometimes I was great, sometimes I sucked. Tami always forgave me, always. Nothing else matters.

So here I am Saturday morning, and no one needs me to get out of bed, nobody cares if I do. If I sleep all day, it doesn't effect anyone's day. If I dont clean this house, nobody cares, nobody worries about it. I don't have to make lunch for anyone, or take anyone anywhere. If I make a list of things to do, who cares if I don't finish it.

I wanna go to work and stay there all the time, somebody needs me there, they care if I show up or not. But Friday, Saturday, Sunday, who cares. Sure everyone will tell me they need me, they care, but was your day affected by my decision not to pick up that mess in the kitchen? Did you eat lunch today? No, the sun rose and set and me not doing anything wont affect that for anyone anymore.

Tami always said, when someone backed out of taking her to an appointment or coming over and hanging out with her that it was just me and her. That when it came down to it, and not to down play anything anyone ever did for us, but when it really came down to it, it was me and her.

Now its just me, and I don't know why I am here still. And only one being can answer that, and I have to put faith in that after all I have been put thru. All I have to say to that is W.T.F.