Citizen Norm

So today I went for my Interview for Citizenship in Chicago, and I am now unofficially an American Citizen, I still have to go for my ceremony in Springfield the next time the do one, but my application was approved today. It's a little bittersweet, like everything else, I know it was important to Tami that I get that done, and I did, but she wasn't here to see it. It's nice to have another thing off the worry list though, specially this time of year.

Next up? Thanksgiving dinner... ack! It hit me a couple days ago that I have to pull all this together with out her, I was always a gopher and she was the planner, now I have to do both, means cooking stuff I don't even eat, and I have to sit down with Tami's instructional video we made last year on how to make her stuffing. I am sure everything will be fine, as fine as it can be, but its just another one of those firsts to bust through.

November 16th

Happy Birthday Tami...

Here we are...

It's still so surreal everyday, everything that happens to me, everything I go thru, good and bad. Here I am closing in on 9 months, Tami's Birthday, Thanksgiving. Just when I think everything is going fine it all hits me all over again. I guess the toughest thing for me now is over analyzing myself, questioning my actions, judging myself. It's not like I am doing anything bad, its just moving forward and trying to determine if I am doing things right, I know I am the only one that will know what that is, and nobody else's opinion should impact that, that said I am my own worst critic.

Me and Tami talked about so much, and I dont know what if any of it she shared with others close to her, about how she wanted me to move forward, to carry on, to act going forward. So many things seem so very uncomfortable without her around, and what is so very disturbing at times is the things that are starting to feel comfortable without her. I know that's part of the healing and that is where I am supposed to be headed, but it feels like I am lossing little bits of Tami by becoming independent of her.

So here I am, trying to find myself in this new environment, trying to figure out who I am now, and where I am heading, so tough looking back and seeing all the little forks in the road and where they might have taken you, and looking forward realizing how profound choices are it makes it tough to move, and then when you do, peoples reactions can send you into a head spin just thinking of what might or could happen. It really comes down to being a very daunting task heading out alone.

Isn't it sad...

Isn't it sad the the roots of Chemotherapy can be traced back to the use of Mustard gas used to kill people back in World War I, the fact that we spend so much on military and killing people and we accidentally found out it can help with Cancer, Imagine where we would be if all that money was spent in the War on Cancer. Dont take me wrong, I am not naive, I know that we need a military, that the world is not mature enough to survive without military might, but just take a second to imagine what the collective world powers could do with Cancer if they really tried... nice dream isnt it.

8 months later and I am still kicking... another first down, awaiting the next...