It's still so surreal everyday, everything that happens to me, everything I go thru, good and bad. Here I am closing in on 9 months, Tami's Birthday, Thanksgiving. Just when I think everything is going fine it all hits me all over again. I guess the toughest thing for me now is over analyzing myself, questioning my actions, judging myself. It's not like I am doing anything bad, its just moving forward and trying to determine if I am doing things right, I know I am the only one that will know what that is, and nobody else's opinion should impact that, that said I am my own worst critic.
Me and Tami talked about so much, and I dont know what if any of it she shared with others close to her, about how she wanted me to move forward, to carry on, to act going forward. So many things seem so very uncomfortable without her around, and what is so very disturbing at times is the things that are starting to feel comfortable without her. I know that's part of the healing and that is where I am supposed to be headed, but it feels like I am lossing little bits of Tami by becoming independent of her.
So here I am, trying to find myself in this new environment, trying to figure out who I am now, and where I am heading, so tough looking back and seeing all the little forks in the road and where they might have taken you, and looking forward realizing how profound choices are it makes it tough to move, and then when you do, peoples reactions can send you into a head spin just thinking of what might or could happen. It really comes down to being a very daunting task heading out alone.
Psychic Kids
14 years ago
3 comments:
sounds like you are just doing as you should with the normal grieving process. but I know it is awfully hard. you really have to depend on your family and friends to go through this process. they can mean so much during this time. Barb
Norm - I relate to your feelings ... it is a process you are going through - sometimes bad, sometimes worse but you will get through it. Feelings of independence of Tami is Tami helping you heal and get through life without her - at least that is what I believe. I think we tend to feel guilty when we start to feel ok, because we did love that person and is it right to let go when they are gone? It is complex that only a grieving "other" goes through. We know in our heart that we want that person back, but our brain knows it cannot happen and to move on .... a battle of brain and heart. Will finding love with another lessen your love for Tami ... HELL NO! I do know that Tami did not want you to be alone the rest of your life and she knew she could not be the one to spend it with you ... she wanted you to love and miss her, but she also wanted you to move on.
You are in my thoughts ... hang in there, the holidays will be tough. I have had Tami on my mind alot the last week - knowing this time last year the benefit was soon to be and would we be ready. Can it really be a year .... ?
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