Happy New year and round ?? done

I got the pump removed this afternoon so this round of chemo is done, I pray it is killing off the cancer. I have had the feel like I am pooping mode going off and on for the last couple of days. It really is a pain in the butt when you don't know if you have to go or if it's just the body doing it's normal thing. I have been sleeping alot, even to the point, I have laid down in the bathroom floor 3 times now, just to figure out what my body is doing, and fell asleep. I am sure it was great for Norm to get up in the morning and find me in the bathroom floor sleeping. he has been taking great care of me. I am just really tired and wore out so I am taking advantage of it and resting when I can.
I hope everyone has a wonderful 2009. I never thought I would see 2008 and look at me here I am gonna be seeing 2009. Lots happened in the last 365 days but all that really matters is I am here by the grace of God, I have loving caring people around me and hopefully 2009 will be full of good news tht my cancer is going away, I can wish for a miracle and that is the miracle I choose for me for 2009.
Happy New Year! Thank you all for your prayers throughout this whole journey with cancer. You all are very specil to me and I thank you for supporting me as I walk through this journey.
Tami

Chemo round ??

I don't even know what round this was, pretty bad huh? anyways i had chemo, just got home a bit ago, very long sitting in the chair getting chemo. Just feel yucky. started having what i call pop rocks under my skin, felt like nerve tingles or gas moving in a million places at once, have felt the chest do this before but this was weird, it was chest, stomach, hips, a million times in just a few minutes, still having it somewhat in my chest, dr came and checked me out, she was clueless never saw this before, gave me benedryl via iv, knocked me out pretty much for the rest of chemo, which was good since it was so long.

Dr finally listening about not being able to pee, now she wants me to cut off dilodid too, i dont think i can do that, but am trying. also now having sensation of needing to pee and poop but nothing there... anyways i have my purse again with 5fu chemo in it and will have it for next two days, i hope this weird feelings go away and this gotta go feeling goes away too, had that all night last night slept maybe 2 hours. Thanks for prayers everyone.

Christmas was wonderful!

Christmas was everything it should be, family, a wonderful time, and good food to be shared. It meant alot to have everyone here. I made the girls journals complete with hand made covers with pictures on them. It was alot of fun making them and I think they all liked them. I have been journalling for many months now and it gives me peace, helps to clear my mind and also lets those closest to me have something to hang on to when I am gone. I hope the kids and my sisters use their journals.afterall, one day their words will be a memory for those they leave behind. Still so hard to believe but we are all going to die, could be fast or could be slow but everyone doesn't get the blessing of time that I have had and journalling is a great way to leave behind a piece of yourself, your inner most self, thoughts, feelings, wants, fears, happiness and sadness. I know I will be leaving behind this special gift for those that love me thru my journal. Many days I believe it is because of this blog, my journal and my digital tape recorder that keep me sane, or as sane as one can be under these circumstances.

I didn't end up having chemo on Friday. Christmas evening I got the worst cramps in my stomach, and they didn't go away until 5:30 in the morning. There was no way I could hve tolerated chemo. I thought for sure I was on my way out, I don't know how much more pain my body can tolerate. We went ahead and saw the Dr friday afternoon, she still believes that the pain is coming from the tumors in my pelvis. I still say they are from my colon., BUT I can't order tests and she can and she won't she doesn't feel they are needed. So we chnged my pain meds a little bit, and the plan is to have chemo on Monday nnd if I am still in pain, then we don't do chemo but instead I will be admitted to the hospital so they can try to get my pain under control. It is horrible when I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open, but the pain prevents me from sleeping. I will be honest, I am scared, but know whatever will be, will be, so just kinda waiting it out.

Last night, I kept filling up with gas and each time it would take a couple of hours to get it out of me, so not much sleep again. Today was reasonable with pain, but I could tolerate it, but then here we are tonite, with that same gas pain, bloaty, sore, crampy. I bought a new massage cushion for my chair clearanced today and I am using it right now and it is really helping. I am not sure if the constant vibration is a distraction from the pain or it is taking the pain away, but I will take it. Between this and my debbie heat pillows and hot bths, I am surviving. The Dr told me again she wouldnot consider a pain pump for liquid dilodid, so I am not sure what else they can give me. I counted pills from two days ago, since I am loggin everything so I don't forget what I have and havent taken, and I took 15 pills in one day! Hard to believe that two years ago, I took nothing, nothing at all for anything and now I have quite the wardrobe of pain meds, laxztives, muscle relaxers, and the list goes on. NO wonder I get constipaated takin so much medicine.

To answer questionf from the comments.... yes I am still smoking. I know not good for me, but what else do I have? It's not like they have ever told me I would live longer if I quit, and it's my one bad habit and I refuse to give it up. I had just turned 14 when my Mom passed away, so it has been 33 years since I have seen her. I know she is waiting for me and will be there with her hand reached out for me when I get to heaven.

I was also turned down from the insurance company for coverage for sir spheres, which I figured would happen, so I am going to call the Dr in colorado and update him on my latest scan and growth and see if he still feels we should appeal. I hear it is pretty common to get turned down, but is usually easy to get it reversed. I just need time, and I am not sure I have that luxury of time anymore. I am still pissed at myself for not pursuing sir spheres many months ago. It is clear again that most Dr's are in it for the money. Now, the Dr we saw in chicago will not return emails or phone calls, I am sure because the chemo dollars aren't falling his way. We told him we still wanted him to call the shots, I guess he decided on his own path by bowing out.
So folks, I am not sure where my road in life is going. There area many other specialists out there, I just dont know if I can do the trip and I know I have to get chemo, and a chemo that works and fast if I am going to be here for more than a few months. Pray for the right decisions, and the right dr's to cross our path. It is God's will and it is unclear right now what I am supposed to do, the christian part of me says to fight is to have faith, but yet I know the toll that this constant pain and no sleep is putting on my body, so again I give it to God and ask him to show me the way.
Thank you all. I hope you all had wonderful Christmas's and are preparing for the new year. I am amazed I am here, I wasn't supposed to see 2008, much less see the whole 2008 and it appears I just might see the new year come in.
Blessings,
Tami

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to everyone! Christmas is such a precious time, it marks the birth of Jesus and this year especially like no other, I am celebrating it the wayit should have been all along, I am so thankful for the birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ. I know if it weren't for my cancer journey, I wouldn't know our heavenly father as well as I do now, and I am so thankful I have had a chance to get to know Jesus. He is always there for all of us, he puts faith back into me when I need it most, he carries me at times when I can't imagine going on. He has given me so many blessing throughout life as well as throught my cancer journey.

We will be spending Christmas with all of the kids, and grandkids here, just like always. There isn't alot of presents to pass out, and that is just the way it should be. The gifts that are here are gifts from my heart, things for the most part that I have made. I am so thankful that I am here and able to make gifts that will keep the memory alive for a long time to come. I am so thankful that I am here, I really didn't think I would be, and I am, letting me know once again, it's not in my ability, it is in the lords ability, and only he will tell me when it is time to go. I have been asking him for clearer direction, I am putting all of this into his hands, he already knows, so I am listening to him.
I hope each of you get the chance to be with your families today and to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. We are all so blessed. Through our saviour Jesus Christ, we can all have eternal life in heaven, this is just the beginning and I am told, we have no idea of the glory of what is yet to come. I am so thankful for my family and friends. I hope I have caused even one person to wake up and smell the roses before it is too late.

I ended up at the Hospital last night. The shot to make me go to the bathroom, well, it was horrible, I got all the cramps,but that was it and they wouldn't go away, for those of you who have given birth, it was like the end stage of labor except it didn't come and go, it stayed, my entire colon was cramping up. Thankfully, a stmoach pill to stop the contractions and some iv dildid did the job. I was so afraid Iwould be spending Christmas in the hospital, so again I am thankful.
I also found something that really makes it all hit home. When my Mom died, for 3 nights before she died, she would be very talkative during the day, go into horrible pain followed by this scream that I can only inagine sounds like the scream I hve heard rabbits make when they are dying, then she would go into a coma at night time. Thankfully, the lord took her on the 4th morning and she did not have to endure the pain any longer.... where am I going with rhis?
Well last week or the week before when I went to the ER, they put a iv in me and it hurt so bad, thenurse walked away for a second and the syringe that was hooked to it fell and started to pull the iv out, well since then I am terrified of needles. I never even clenched before and believe me I have been stuck alot. Well last night when the nurse went to put the iv in my arm, I was in HORRIBLE pain from it, it seems they use a larger plasic needle that goes too far in or something, well while she was putting the iv in, this scream came from me, I didn't even realize itwas coming from me, I have never made that sound before, but as soon as it was over and she had pulled the iv out, I realized that was the scream my mom had for those nights before she passed. Very scary stuff. I realize why My Mom did so many of the things she did when she was dying of cancer. I realize because it feels like some of the same is happening to me. I never understood before til I got cancer. I always questioned why she didnt fight harder, why she only ate and drank what she wanted to, which was corn curls and whiskey. I realize now why my Mom was put into a mental ward when she was dying. I know now alot of what I didn't understand then, perhaps this is all part of my journey, but I understand more and more each day why she did what she did. My Mom was a amazing woman who loved me so deep. Cancer does something to you, that tears your very soul apart, I know this too well. I only hope when I go toheaven I take the old me, because these days I dont like me very well.

WOW this turned into a massive post and I really just wanted to say Merry Christmas to all of you out there in blog land, and so I will leave it at that. Thank you for your continued prayers for me, I need peace, no pain, and even more no pain.
Have a very Merry Christmas,
Tami

update

Wow, it has been a week since I posted. This last week has been filled with so much pain, a dr visit and has left me just not knowing which way to turn. We have decided on folfori for chemo, we actually got to make our own choice. BUT, I have also decided that if the pain isn't under control, then I am not going to do chemo, my body can't tolerate anymore, as bad as I want to fight with chemo, there is no way. The pain I am sure as I have said before is from my colon. My colon at night and in the morning especially likes to pretend like I have to "go" but there isn't anything there, so my colon muscle is clenched up tight, and I am left with horrible pain. I have figured out tht milk of magnesia will make me go in just a few hours, but then I am left with a day of constant cramping and this clenching up of my colon, not fun to say the least. I have also figured out how to get the pain to go away but am afraid of what it might do to me. If I take long acting oxycontin, stomach pill, and dilodid, the pain goes away, but what is happening is everything is going to sleep. I can't pee, and lose feeling down there. Tonite I am still struggling with trying to get my colon to wake up, so I don't have a solution. I am also running a fever tonite. I know the answer is in finding the right laxative, but am not there yet, but am trying a couple of new ones. The Dr gave me a shot that makes the brain not know it is constipated from opiod drugs, my fear is the cramping won't stop. I haven't tried the shot yet, but may soon.
I am praying that I am here for Christmas, which is also Norm's birthday. For now it really is one minute at a time. I could really use some prayers, actually my whole family could use some prayers. This is very hard on all of us. The clock is ticking but it's not looking good for chemo and we all know what that will mean. I am terrified that my body is just shutting down and we are already at the end. Sleep is good some nights, horrible on others, depending on pain. If you could spare a prayer headed our way, I would appreciate it. Go away fever vibes are also needed. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas filled with family and friends, good times, and lots of laughs and smiles. Thank you for hanging in there wth me. I can sstill be that miracle, thank you all so much

Forever Gifts

This holiday season has been really rough on me. I am thankful to be here, as last year I was sure I wouldn't be. Well this year, I have the same feeling, just a little more realistic as the pain whizzes through my body, that I won't be here next yeat for Christmas so it has once again been important to give forever gifts, except this year I feel the urgency to give them now, instead of waiting until Christmas. I gave Eric the fleece blanket that I cut and tied for his baby that is due in June. Tonite Sarah and Josh came over for dinner. I promised Sarah a long time ago, I would be there when she had a baby. I know I have to break that promise. It breaks my heart more than I can write. I made a couple of the fleece tie baby blankets and I purchased a baby bracelet that I had scribed into it, My NaNa watches over me. These gifts will never take the place of me being there when Sarah has babies one day, but I want to be there in some way or another, so I gave her these gifts. My daughter is so precious to me and I know one day I will see my grandbabies be born, from afar but I will be there in spirit. I have been so fortunate that I could be here to see my 5 grandchildren that I have now, but I can't help feeling mad, angry, upset, pisses off, hurt, emotionally a wreck... that I can't be here to keep my promise to my baby girl. Sarah said, but what if you are here Mom. Ah my daughter the eternal optimist, or does she just know the right words to say to me, I am not sure which I would rather it be. Sweet Sarah, I love you forever, my sweet baby girl. forever in my heart.

Think this year about forever gifts you can give, unfortunately we just never know. I am still feeling really bad. My sleep continues to be short, my pain long and I am a wreck emotionally. Sometimes this is all just too much, I would rather hide in denial, but pain makes it real, too real. I love you dear Family, thank you so much for being here for me. I feel as if I have lost my mind, and then I realize that I probably have, who wouldn't? I have to focus on everything, that everyone has done, I have to remember the memories we have been able to create with these extra months, and I have to give praise to Jesus for it all.

The worst Christmas Gift you'v ever gotten

I thought this could be a fun weekend contest for everyone, I am all about fun, so please post your worst of the worst gift you have ever been given.

Names withheld although guesss will be accepted:)
I swear I am doing this as something fun, not mean or deceitful!

So I will go first, oh way too many years ago, I was a manager at a trvel center. I was probably not alwys the nicest manager, but most time I just couldn't be, it was like kids, you give them a inch they go for the mile. The day before Christmas one of the older gals gave me a gift card in a gorgous box, you know the giftcards yuo get whn you spend say $50 and you get a $10 dollar cert to be used the following week? Well the week the card was good for was long past. I suppose it was her way of telling me I wasn't so nice all the time, but I have to tell you, I actually got the biggest kick out of it because I knew she was getting a kick out of it. Anyways sometimes its nice to remember even those who werent your best friend, remember one day It will give you a laugh as you look backwards on it!
Your turn, please share yours!

My goodnews for today is the Dr gave me sleeping pills and I actually fill it kickin in, so I am hopefully off for about 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep,
Have a wonderful weekend Everyone! It s supposed to get really nasty on sunday and monday with a ice storm, which is fine with me, since I dont have to drive in it, but feel for all of you that do. In case you don't know, i don't do well drivin in winter or storm conditions, there is always a snicker or laugh at me anytime I have one of those stories to share,
Blessings to all, and to all a Good Night:)

Catching up

Well no chemo today. I really like the new Dr. She ws very through yesterday and asked why we were doing a colon cancer chemo when there are other options for neuroendocrine chemos that wouldn't be as hard on me. She also wants to look over my scans to make sure there are no tumors near my colon as there is a 20 percent chance of a colon rupture or complete blockage with the colon chemo add on avastin. Today was the appt to take in all the scans, records, which I didn't make because of major pain issues last night and this morning, but thankfully Norm was my stand in and took everything to her today. Now she wants a heart scan of some kind because one of the chemos can cause heart attack etc, so she wants to make sure my heart is healthy enough for it. Then we will make a decision on which chemo. This is scheduled for next wednesday. I just know I need to get on some chemo, would like the least side effects with the most cancer killing qualitys and I have to get this pain under control, it has gotten so bad, I am not sure I can even handle chemo on top of this pain. It's all related to my bowels, I still say even though Dr benson says it's not. I have to figure it out, my body is tired from being awake every night, I am undernourished because of not eating proper because eating hurts, and I am tired of hurting all night long. I think it is alot of the laxatives that work 3rd shift, and I am on so many, but cant get it under control, either I can't quit "going" or I can't "go". There has to be a happy medium.
I am blessed to be here today and pray for a pain free night tonite.
Oh and I left the Dr's office yesterday going, um who is the expert on my cancer? This Dr seems to be up on it pretty well. I really like her and hope its not all smoke in mirrors, ya know? I m scared though not to follow up on Dr benson, because he is the expert, so confused, but not enough since I m in this pain, it takes over everything. Please pray for Norm, he is so depressed with all of this. How couldn't he be? It breaks my heart, as he sees me changing I also see him changing and it's not fair for this to change my wonderful loving husband into a quiet, depressed man.

Here I am awake again

I just can't sleep at night anymore! Pain always finds me at night, no matter how much medicine I take.

I go to the Dr in Decatur tomorrow at 2:45, then hopefully back again on friday morning for chemo in decatur. I am anxious to meet this new Dr, actually the Dr is a she, so this will be a new thing for me. I just hope she is caring. I am not sure what my grand daughter will think when she sees me with "my purse" again( the chemo 48 hour pump I am on after chemo)

I talked to Norm a llittle about not going further with chemo tonite. I should be so thrilled that I can have chemo, when so many cancer patients can not. I guess I am just depressed. It seems like it hits me every day that I have cancer and it isn't going away. You would think after 15 months, I would have accepted it by now right? But somehow it seems that I reaccept it every day, and it makes me sad and angry and lonely and scared. I guess all of this pain really has me scared, and I know chemo could take away the pain by shrinking the cancer, but I remember being chemoed all too well, I just wish I could get a small break where I feel good and can act normal. I don't even know what normal is anymore, because this isn't normal. Normal for me would be scurrying to finish candle parties, candle orders and getting excited to start decorating and shopping for the holidays. Normal isn't looking around at a less than clean house, pill bottles, ensure, medical appt's, medical receipts, books about dying gracefully around. This Isn't normal. Ok, here I am whining again, and I keep promising myself I am not going to do that anymore, no time to waste, man oh man do I wish I had some time to waste!

I am thankful I am here today through the grace of God.

The Plan

Norm talked to Dr Benson late last night. After going thru every possible treatment they could and could not or would not give me, it was decided to put me back on the 2nd chemo I had, folfori. I only had 2 rounds of it before surgery and then we moved on to neurondocrine treatment after the surgery. Even though the Dr still feels this is not colon cancer, he is going to be giving me chemo for colon cancer because I had shrinkage on the first chemo which was also for colon cancer so he is hopeful that we will see good results with this one. The Dr had done his homework and gave us a couple more options for treatment so at least we know they are there, he even checked into a few clinical trials at univ. of chicago if we wanted to go that direction. He also said if I tolerate this new chemo, then after 30 days he would definitely consider strongly doing radiation on the tumor in my pelvis that is near my bladder. he feels that is where all my pain is coming from. So, I have that to look forward to, because if he is right, it would be so great to be pain free, I can do anything as long as I know how long it is for, so 30 more days of this pain, I can and will get thru. I still feel as if the pain is coming from my colon. Note the time, this pain has kept me up last night and now again tonite. My back and hips feel as if they are being torn from my body.

So, at least we have another option, I hope this chemo has minimal side effects and I can tolerate it well. We will be doing most of the treatments in Decaur with a Dr, that Dr benson has worked with from there, so the traceling less will be a huge help, especially since this pain really kicks up in the car.

I pray that we have found yet another way to keep me kicking, and I am thnkful for this option. I am learning that I really need to give my Dr a little more praise after all he is the specialist so I need to rely that he will give us our best options. It will be great to have a local oncologist to deal with day to day things that come up as well. Thank you for your continued prayers and well wishes. They are what is keeping me going.

I am also thankful that Norm talked to the Dr, as Norm has much more patience than I do, and I get so confused and get stuck on one word and hear nothing else, so this way Norm can reexplain it all to me. I am really noticing some problems in my brain. Forgtfullness, and not being able to remember simle words, I can see them but can't say them for nothing.

I did get 4 of the tie fleece baby blankets done yesterday. It was nice to have distraction from the day to day, and even if I am not here, my grandbabies will have a blanket made by NaNa to keep them warm.

Thank You God for giving me this day.

The Calm after the storm

Hopefully tomorrow we will get to talk to the oncologist since it was his nurse practioner that we saw on friday. We continue to pray and ask for your prayers that the Oncologist will have a plan in place for me, no matter what it should be. I keep asking myself and Norm if it is time to stop treatment and I keep getting the same answers, maybe, maybe not. We are going to have to wait to see what is offered to us and then make a tough decision. I have read that clinical trials don't work 9 times out of 10 and the only ones I will qualify for are stage 1 trials where they are basically taking a idea and testing out the maximum dosage they can give before it kills you, so as I said this is going to be a difficult decision. My hope is that he has a plan using some of the chemos that I have heard about for my type of cancer. That wasn't really offered to us, but it is my hope and what I am praying for. In any case I have had over 15 months more time here on earth and for that I am thankful. I have had some success controlling my pain with the diladid pills, almost too much if that is possible. I know I can't take the max they said which is 2- 4mg tablets, I thought I was going to die when I took 1 and a half, way too strong, no pain, but couldn't speak right or breathe right either. Unfortunately, this new medicine has brought on worse constipation so having to deal with that also. Please keep us in your prayers, we hope to get with the Dr tomorrow. I don't wanna wait any longer than needed.

I want to talk about the benefit again also. I am still awestruck by the generosity of everyone that helped put it together, helped the night of the benefit, donated so so many items for auction, It was amazing to see people I hand't seen in a long time, and it was amazing to see strangers pulling money from their wallets for me. I am forever thankful, Bless each of you for all that you did, and Thank you for those of you that donated but couldn't be there, I really appreciate it. The money is going to good use as we enter these times we thought might be further down the road, but we are looking at them now. It just goes to show you never know on that road of life when there will be a turn, or even when it will end. Please enjoy every moment of your life and thank you all for your support. It means the world to me.

So grateful for the life I have lived

I am so grateful for the life I have lived. The last 15 months have been a huge roller coaster, but I have learned so much about life in these 15 months. I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend, a grandma, a daughter in law. I wouldn't trade this for anything. Everyone I have been with in the past 15 months have completed my life, made it whole. I am so lucky to have had these last 15 months to learn what I have, to have time with everyone and to love and be loved by so many. Each smile I have seen has been worth any pain I have been thru, each hug, each kiss, each word, and each whisper, each hand squeeze, can never be taken away! I am so thankful the Lord has given me this extra time to get to know him better and he has allowed me to be here today typing this, I am blessed. Thank you to each of you for being a part of my life. There have been many sad times, but the happy times far outweigh the sad. I will never see a cure for this disease but hopefully, all of you will. Hopefully, I have encouraged someone to get to a Dr and prevented them from being a me. I hope in some small way I have encouraged any or all of you to live life. Be kind to yourself, love with everything that you are, and find the Lord. I am so blessed in life.
I am so very blessed. always remember, you can't get back yesterday.

In Chicago today, we were told that there couldn't be a treatment plan until the pain is under control. Sir spheres are no longer a option as my tumors are growing in my pelvis as well as my liver. If the pain gets under control, I may be able to go for a clinical trial in Houston or New York. Life is so uncertain. They wanted to admit me to the pallative care unit in Chicago, I declined, they put me on oral diladid for pain. I wanted to come home, I don't know what the future holds or even how long or short it may be. I know the cancer is growing, I know it is aggresive and I know it won't take long to take over, perhaps it already has. This is the day I have dreaded, yet it is here and I still want to fight, I don't plan on ever giving up, I also realized again today that sometimes it is not my choice. This is much larger than I. I continue to fight and realize even more today than ever before that it is beyond my control. Thank you Norm for the care you have taken of me. I love you forever. Thank you for helping me to fight,

On to the next plan?

Well, this has been a tough couple of days. The pain has been almost non stop and after talking to the Dr in Chicago, we decided to go up to Peoria to St. Francis to get IV pain med, a ct. Well finally at around 7 last night, The dr came in and said they were seeing some new spots of cancer and my largest liver tumor had grown. After coming home, we realized they weren't comparing the new scan to the last scan from Chicago, but to a older scan in Bloomington. Well, we already knew there was some new spots showing from Chicago scan, but they were calling them omentum, where we think Peoria is calling them Pelvis tumors, or at least we are hoping they are refering to the same tumors. In any case the tumors have grown. They still say I don't have a bowel blockage, so perhaps the pain is from these new tumors pressing on my colon and other areas down low, resulting in pain radiating at times into my hips.

After Norm talked to Chicago today, he was told My dr there is coming up with a new plan, that may include a clinical trial, sir spheres or seomthing else. This scares me that I have ran out of traditional chemo options, but perhaps this isn't the case and My Dr is just looking for the best option. I am going to talk to them also about pain control, because even though they have me taking 3 oxycodone at a time, with my stomach being sometimes very slow to dump, comes with it, that the pain med doesn't work until the stomach dumps. The diladid they give me in the hospital works immediatly, it is given thru a iv, so I am hoping they will give me a pain pump with diladid. The pain is quite a challenge, as I said it is there almost always and prevents sleep, so I am wore out. Please pray that they can find a answer to help me with this pain and that they can come up with a plan that will again shrink this cancer into nothing. There is still hope, I just have to believe. Obviously, we are terrified, but I know God will get us thru this just as he has for the last 15 months. My patience runs thin when I am in so much pain, this is when I get the weakest in body and spirit. Any prayers are appreciated and thankfully, the benefit came at just the right time, as I could be doing a lot of traveling for treatment depending on what they come up with. I wish I had better news, but at least a plan is forthcoming.

Thank you Debbie for once again spearheading getting me seen quicker and a answer to what is going on, you are the best, and I am so glad your my sister. I couldn't possibley pull this off without you, I love you

The Benefit

I have never been so touched in my life to see all the work of family, friends, and caring people come together to create the benefit for me. It was absolutely amazing! The donations were massive. The many,many people that came were amazing. It touches my heart the generosity of everyone. Thank you all! If you played a small part or a large part, I thank you from my heart for caring enough to help me. I am overwhelmed with the generosity of both people I know and people I don't. I can't say Thank You enough. The pain I have been having stayed at bay long enough for me to attend the benefit, I would have crawled there if I had to, to show everyone how much I appreciate the work that has been done and to see everyone.

I am in horrible pain, and it prevents me from writing as much as I would like to about how awesome the benefit was, but I wanted to Thank everyone for their help in allowing me to continue the fight. Cancer definitely isn't cheap even with insurance, the help we have been given financially will allow us to continue fighting, but more importantly, the many handprints that have been left on my heart will always be near and dear to me.
Thank you so very much.
Tami

My name made it up in the bright lights!

WOW! The power of people, continue to amaze me. My neices friend Autumn, used her connections and my benefit info with my name is showing up for 10 seconds of every minute on those digital ad boards in Peoria. I am famous! I am now also listed on http://centralillinoisproud.com/
with the benefit details. Simply amazing!
I hope to see many of you there, and have been asked if I will lbe there, and yes I plan to be there, probably won't last the whole night but God willing I will be there, even if I have to wear a surgical mask if my blood counts are really low. For more info and directions go to www.tamisbenefit.com Thank you to each of you who have donated, are going to the benefit or have helped to put the benefit together. It is overwhelming that there are so many people that care about me enough to pull off a benefit, and that there are so many people praying for me. Thank you all

My pain has returned off and on, still trying to get it figured out. It really is as if the lower part of my colon just shuts down, no exit, stop light, until it feels like working again, so hopefully this will work itself out.

I am excited for Thanksgiving! Last year I didn't think I would get to see another one and through many many prayers, I am here. I can remember years ago when the kids were little. We always just had dinner with the kids, but I can remember putting the turkey in the oven at o dark hundred in the morning so we could have a early dinner, and then watching the kids comb thru the newspaper ads to make their Christmas lists. Those were the days! This year will be a little different, as the kids will be doing most of the cooking, but as tradition has been since I have been with Norm, we will be making the stuffing. He has always helped me tear the bread cubes, tossing a cube now and then at the dogs and getting the biggest kick out of it. We will be missing our dear friend Gizmo this year who won't be here to catch the bread chunks, but it will be nice to continue the stuffing tradition with Norm. I don't think there has ever been a time when we didn't have Thanksgiving dinner at our house, and except for Sherri who lived in Texs for a few years, the kids have always been here. It will be a time of celebration, with 5 grandkids and 2 more on the way, and 2 step grandkids being added on in July when Eric gets married. WOW we are turning into a large family. I plan to enjoy every second I can with the kids, grandkids and Norm. I am even thinking of dawning a surgical mask and getting out to a store or two on friday morning. I don't get out much at all anymore, with the germs, and with the way I have been feeling, but I want Norm to feel a bit of "normal" Tami, and I think this is the perfect way.

I actually wrote this yesterday and never got to post it. We did hear back from another Dr in North Carolina that Norm sent my scans to, and this Dr says I am a excellent candidate for sirspheres for my liver tumors, Praise the Lord! It just so happens that this Dr practices at the same hospital that one of the few Dr's who does the hipec(heated chemo for the omentum) also works, so this could be my sign. We are definitely looking more into this. I just pray that my colon problems clear themselves up, I am still at a point of hurting from nothing going thru, hurting from making too much come thru with laxatives and a completely quiet stomach, so this has to be our first concern, finding a solution. My Dr has said in the past that if I would get a complete blockage, they may not do surgery for it, so this is weighing heavy on my mind.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy the togetherness of family and friends. Make it a day to truly give thanks for life, and the company of family and friends. Remember to take time to enjoy the day, that really is what life is all about, not the hussle and bussle and OMG how am I going to get thru all of this, isn't it?

Can't keep me down forever

Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate them. It is nice to know there is life outside of this house and that you all are praying for me. God gets me through each moment of each day and for this I am thankful.

I have devised my own plan, even though the on call Dr today, didn't agree..pfft

They did give me a stronger pain long acting pain patch, and short acting oxycodone without the tylenlol, well I should say the pain specialist did. They also gave me some kind of steroid that is for severe allergies and takes your immune system down.

I tried going without my colon relaxer med friday night and it was horrible, I really thought I was dying, my body bloated up with gas that was going no where and at 2 am I begged Norm to take me to the hospital, thankfully he didn't and we worked through it. I was so exhausted. I went off the long acting oxycodone friday but by last night, I was feeling out of my mind, like I had lost my mind, anxious and realizing it was probably detox from that I took a half one. I did not start the long acting pain patches, honestly I dont feel I need them, and I just started the lon acting oxycodone when I was in the hospital so thought well if I can get off those maybe this back pain would go away, and guess what? It did, my bowels were working again, just cutting that out, or down as I had to have another half this morning as I felt out of my mind crazy again.
So I will talk to the pain specialist tomorrow morning and see what she sugggests but I went back on the colon relaxer, I have to eat and this pill is important to allow that to happen without pain, I didn't even start the steroid whatevers nor the long acting pain patch. I just don't feel I need them, and the pain was coming from my back and lower stomach hurting which I feel was caused by so many drugs putting my colon to sleep. My only downfall is I have 3 of the long acting oxycodone left so not much to do weaning, but as I said God will get me through this.

I am going to look for another Dr, I don't like the way the Dr said chemo doesn't usually work on my tumors, and I don't like what he had to say, I have to find someone that will give me hope. The benefit couldn't come at a better time as this will give us the finances to go somewhere else.

Please pray for the strength for me to get thru pulling myself off of this long acting oxycodone, and feeling better again. My biggest problem is this feeling like I am going to have a panic attack and it is scary, very scary. I have apologized to Norm a million times for this as I can't imagine having to watch me act like i have lost my mind.

A HUGE thank you to each person that has or is donating for my benefit, for each person that is helping in one way or another or a million ways, and even if you are just planning on coming to my benefit, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I can't wait to see everyone and I can't thank you enough, it touches me so deeply and even the benefit seems as if it was planned for the perfect time as it is going to allow us to keep going, searching and hopefully conquering this cancer. I also need prayers to feel well enough to come to the benefit this coming saturday, I can't even think of not being there to thank everyone for all of their hard work. People are amazing, and again I can't thank you enough for pulling this together.

I also guess I left it questionable in my last post as to if I had chemo or not, Yes I did have chemo, at least it's a chance, and I have to keep fighting and take every chance I can, I did it without the normal nausea premeds as I didn't want the constipation, steroid stay awake feeling. The schedule right now, which wasn't even explained to me is for me to go back up for chemo on the 5th and 19th of december for chemo, as I said they never explained why they changed the schedule and at neither of those appt;s do I see the Dr so not happy about that.

Again, thank you all for your prayers, and well wishes, they mean so much to me. It is mind boggling the number of people I have praying for me, Live strong, strive for memories with your loved ones, as the holidays approach remember, the best thing you can give anyone is your time, memories matter most. As I said at my birthday, all I want is another birthday, and all I want for christmas is time with family and friends. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to see a comment on here, to have my phone ring or to have someone over. Loneliness is the worst thing in the world when you are faced with what I am, and God has really been taking care of me not being lonely, please don't be afraid to come and see me or to call me, I am not "up" all the time, but hearing a voice or seeing a face means the world to me. It's when things are quiet here that I get scared.

If you don't know Jesus Christ as your saviour, please get to know him, he is there for us always.

how to kick a horse when they are down already

1- tell them that chemo generally doesn't work for "these" type of tumors, then ask would I like
to go ahead with chemo
2- tell them the reason for all of their pain is from pain medicines, so the pain meds need to be
stopped, all of them, including the one that relaxes the colon, because the colon isn't working
right, is sluggish or may not be pushing food thru at all. no worries right? why would i be
taking pain meds anyway? oh and then later, have the nurse shove a bone scan order at
me, even though that would have been a first choice before pulling all pain meds
3- tell them hipec is for ovarian cancer patients with much smaller tumors than mine, even
though I could have shared the 23 year old male that had hipec several months ago, and I
dont even think he has ovaries, or the other cases i know about that all have colon cancer
that have had hipec to get rid of omentum metasis.

enuf said.. chemo is done, I am down, Norm is completely silent and hasn't uttered a word for hours, can I ask for anymore while
I am down here?

Chicago tomorrow,

What a week this has been. My birthday was great with all the kids and grandkids here. I started having some back pain on sunday and it has been off and on all week. Norm got the stomach flu late sunday so my sister Debbie came and whisked me off to her house. We had some wonderful times together. It's so fun to hang out with Debbie! I came home yesterday, still having this back pain. It's even keeping me up some at night so hopefully they can give me some stronger pain meds tomorrow because the collection I have here just isn't taking the pain away. I am scared for chemo tomorrow, not sure if they will keep me on the same as last time or jump to a new one since I have had so many side effects from this one.

Debbie is working like a wild woman on the benefit for me. There are so many people that are helping with it in one way or another, I am so thankful for each and every person. It is absolutely amazing that there are so many people that just want to help. Debbie was telling me and showing me some of the items that have been donated. It is amazing and I still have a hard time believing this is all real. Even after living with cancer for all these months, it's still so surreal to me. This benefit is my chance at being able to go abroad for treatment. I just have to keep hanging in there.

I am starting to realize that I just don't feel good anymore. I am hoping the Dr up there will start dealing with the main issue that is and has been causing me pain, my colon. As I said, I just don't feel well anymore. I am not even, well no let me say the truth, I don't even want to go to chicago cuz all they do is make me feel worse. A lot of insurance money has been spent and i still can't do the simple things that a Dr should be able to take care of like poop, and be somewhat pain free. I am depressed and I can't even see the top anymore. I don't even like to answer my phone anymore cuz I know whoever is on the other side of the phone I am going to bring them down with my misery cuz I just don't feel well. Well, my back is hurting again, time to go pray the pain goes away. I am so tired of pain, I am frustrated with my Dr and I am just down. I have to find a way to pull myself up again........Please pray for this pain to go away, and for me to find a little ray of sunshine in life. I know there are plenty of them, I am just having a tough time seeing thru the pain.

Current ramblings

My little granddaughter McKayla was pretty sick from the stomach flu, sick enough to require being put in the hospital for fluids. Thankfully, praise God, she is at home now and doing much better. She is the sweetest little angel and I am thankful she is doing much better. It's tough to see a little one down and out. I didn't get to go see her, but talked to her and she sounded sooooo sick. Yesterday her requests from us were red and purple gatorade and blue popsicles, of coarse we obliged:) We kept little brother Korban while sissy was in the hospital, what a sweetheart he is. I feel so horrible that we have not gotten to have near as many nights at NaNa's as we used to. I hope we can improve on this. We used to keep the kids at least once a month overnight and that just hasn't happened since I have been sick. It actually made me feel better and took my mind off of my own sickness having Korban here. 3 years olds say the cutest things.

This has been a trying last couple of weeks for me emotionally as well as physically. I keep trying to pray to God everytime I feel scared, which is helping alot. I can't seem to get a good nights rest anymore, no matter how much medicine I take, I really think this is causing alot of my problems as my body and my mind need rest. I am to the point of almost having panic attacks, perhaps it is too much medicine in my body. I am going to talk to the Dr about a sleeping pill, perhaps that is my answer. I seem to spend all day trying to get the sleep I didn't get the night before and using various pain meds and crazy pills to accomplish this and it just isn't working.

My family continues to be here for me. This is so tough on them, please pray for peace for them as well. All of the kids will be here later for a small birthday celebration. I don't get to see the kids nearly as much as I want, so this will be a welcome day hanging out with all of them.

I am scared about Chicago next week, scared of what the Dr may say. I still am not sure if I can do this new chemo. I wonder if I didn't get a bit of the stomach flu and perhaps that is what made the week so bad physically rather than the chemo, so I am not sure if we will restart this chemo or what.

We continue to look at other options cautiously, we don't want to rush into something, like we did with surgery only to have it be the wrong choice. We are going to send my scans, etc to a Dr in North Carolina and also plan to look further into hipecc, the heated chemo for my omentum. I realize I give up way too easily and when I want something, I want it now, thankfully Norm grounds me to look at the whole picture, thank God. We know we have a great Dr in Chicago, but want all of the options we can get, but we need to understand them. As Norm, said of coarse we can find someone to do whatever, if we look long enough, but we need to make sure, since the surgery turned out to be not the best idea. Although I know I had to have the colon tumor removed, as Norm pointed out, they could have did the hipec then at the same time as my surgery.

So, I am asking for lots of prayers for our visit in Chicago this weekend. I am not sure which way our journey is headed and am extra scared. Hotel rooms are crazy up there right now with the holidays and so we will be going up and coming right back home the same day. It is tough to get chemo and endure the drive home, but money is tight enough and rooms are high enough that I am just going to have to endure the ride.

I want to really acknowledge how tough this journey is on Norm. He doesn't get a break from it except to go to work and we all know that isn't a break. Some days, well more days than not, he is my lifeline, I look to him for love, encouragement and hope. Some days, he is able to handle it, and some days he isn't. I dont give him near enough credit for hanging in there with me. I am glad he is my life partner and I love him so very much. I put way too much on his plate and expect way too much from him. I expect him to figure out the answers for me, and as we have learned, sometimes the answers just aren't there and I need to use patience, look to God and know he solves everything in his time, not in mine.

After rereading this post, I realize I need to talk with God alot more, that he can and will help me get through these seemingly impossible emotional times, and I need to thank God alot more for all of the blessings he has given me in my life.

I also realize that I have made blossom, my littlest dachshund spoiled rotten. Where I go, so does she. The other night when I was having a emotional breakdown, I sat in the floor and just cried, and in between my legs sat my little precious blossom. She just wants to be with her mommy, so I carry her everywhere I go, I do mean everywhere, she crys if she is not on my lap constantly, and yes she is on my lap right now, when I get up, so does she. the poor dog must be wore out!

Just a update

I still feel cruddy. I now have a rash to go along with the other chemo side effects. I think I just about have all of the side effects now, did I say this is not fun? I know it's not supposed to be fun, but I really don't think I can do this chemo. I talked to the nurse this morning and they want me to hold off Chemo this week and then see the Dr next week to figure out where to go from here. I feel like I am losing hope every second of every day. I feel like I have to make them understand that their are other options for me. I research them every day, every night, I am so frustrated, feeling like I am slipping between the cracks, with noone noticing at all. Losing hope, one breath at a time, one second at a time and I can't take it.

I guess to think positive this will be a happy birthday present to me, no chemo this week, since my birthday is this weekend, but I feel like I should be going for chemo, sucking it up, doing it anyways, thats the way we fight right? Or is my vision so clouded from this cancer that I can't even see when death would be a better option than this horrible type of chemo?
I am scared, I am lonely, today, I am cancer. I hate days like this.

The benefit is coming along nicely with my sister Debbie at the reigns. While donations for the auction are booming, not many tickets have been sold. If you are planning on attending, please let us know. We need ticket sales badly. There is going to be so many nice items up for auction at the benefit and so many have spent their time recruiting donations, now we need lots of people to attend. The benefit still feels so weird, I know it is needed, I know it is needed, I know I need it, but it feels weird when your name is the one on a benefit. I guess it's no different now, you always expect it to to be the other person, you always expect to be the one helping out with a benefit, not the one benefiting from the benefit.

I think part of my family thinks I have lost my mind, maybe I have and I don't even know it. I think it's what cancer has emotionally done to me, to Tami... I wish I could just wish this away, wish it away from myself and everyone I know that is affected by cancer affecting me. If only I could just wish it away, if only I could just beat it, there I said it, but i am a realist and I know that doesn't happen to people like me. What's the saying, if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have none? Ya I know I am so blessed from everyone who cares about me to even have them in my life, but I would much rather have them in my life, living life. Going to dinner, or going shopping or just a normal conversation on the phone, just living life, that's the way it's supposed to be, and that is when I question my motivation to fight this disease when I see everything it has done to me and to so many around me. I know they wouldn't say out loud that they wish I had done it any other way, but perhaps if I had stopped fighting, they would be on their way to healing now. I hate that they still have to go through even more with me, I pray that maybe, just maybe by some small miracle that I can be the lucky one, I can be the one that gets that miracle called cure. What I would give to have normal moments again..........
Cherish your life, Cherish your family and your friends, cherish the normal day to day things you do, you never know when something will happen and there won't be a normal anymore and you will miss the stupid little normal things you complain about. Make Memories with those around you.... do it now while you still can. I was just living life when something came into my life that made normal obsolete.. it is called cancer

Still not 100%

This day started off on a bad foot. I didn't get but maybe 20 minutes sleep all night last night with my stomach swollen and hurting. This morning I got up and knew I had to take some extra laxatives to get things moving so I called chicago and they recomended I try magnesum citrate, which I took, knowing it usually takes `12 hours for it to work. Took a pain pill and about half hour later, had to run for the bathroom. Not for the end your thinking. I am never a puky type of person, well I was this morning, the mag citrate didn't stay where it was supposed to. So then I was really scared, thinking I must have a blockage. I called chicago again and the nurse told me to go to the er, I asked if I could try a enema first, which they said yes, but don't mess around with this it could be a blockage. The enema worked! No more throwing up. My stomach is still really sore but hopefully I am on the mend. I am still running a fever from chemo I presume, and I am not sure if chemo will happen this week or not. This chemo is definitely tougher on me than I am used to. I hope we can find another answer and many options somewhere down the road. Somedays it feels like the road is getting ready to end and it makes me sad. I need to pin our Dr down a bit more and find out what is left for me and why he is so opposed to the sirspheres and hipec for me. They both seem like amazing miracle drugs and I want to know why they won't work for me. Thanks for the prayers, they definitely got me thru this morning, along with Kristi coming over and helping me. Poor Kristi probably never imagined she'd be helping her mother in law get a enema, thank god for her!

The new chemo

This is bad, this new chemo is bad. I feel so sick, nausea, fever, tired, constipated, can't sleep, heart flutters, cant eat, cant drink. I dont know if I can do this, I have to find strength from God. I can't give up yet, but i want to. This is what cancer is all about and I don't like it. I can't imagine going thru this again in just 5 days.

It is obvious that my onc is top dog as he was refered to by the radiation oncologist. even though the radiation oncologist said in email i was perfect for sirspheres, he came in and said My tumors are small and Dr benson is doing what is best for me and if Dr benson feels i need sirspheres, he will get ahold of the radiation onc. As I said it is very apparant of the food chain, and Dr benson is at the top. I wont even get to see him for two weeks.

I am truly sick of being tired, and tired of being sick, it is times like these that i don't know if i can go on. It's not supposed to be this bad, there is no way. Please pray for relief from the symptoms this chemo has created, and for healing. I just don't know if I can do this anymore an i feel sad about it. God please give me another option that won't hurt so much.

If you have called and gotten no answer it's because I am just too weak to talk to the phone, I promise I will get back to you when I feel better, I don't like leaving anyone not knowing what is going on, but just feel so bad, it's hard to move. Please pray for my family, I feel so badly for them, they are as helpless as I am.........

More arrows in the road of Life

Well as expected my regular oncologist says no to sirspheres, he says I need systematic chemo because of the spread of my cancer. So... we now have some decisions to make. We have some additional radiation oncologist emails from different parts of the united states so we are going to confer with them and see what they have to say. I also found out last night that there is a Dr in colorado that deals with the peritoneal mets, and was even told that many times they will use cyberknife if there are only a few rather than the 12 hour hipec heated chemo into the belly surgery, so there are options, it's just my oncologist doesnt' agree with the options. So we are faced with many decisions, please pray we get the knowledge to make the right choices. We aren't even sure if the radiation onc. that we talked to will go ahead if we choose to go with sirspheres since he knows my onc isnt in agreement and they are both from Northwestern.

We head to Chicago today to prepare for what will be my 4th type of chemo, 20th treatment in 14 months. WOW, thats a mouthful huh? Please pray for this chemo to go smooth with no reactions and easy side effects. It's always scary starting a new chemo, not knowing what to really expect and praying and hoping it will work.

I am still experiencing this pain that I think is a bladder infection so we will get a culture on that tomorrow as well.

I had a wonderful time with Liz, janice and Heather yesterday. For a while the cancer was gone and it was just 4 friends hanging out. That's the way it's supposed to be. I look forward to more moments like that! Thank you all for taking time from your busy schedules to come hang with me!

Barb, thank you so much for the cap you made me. I will wear it proudly, it means so much knowing you made it, Thank you so very much:) Everyone around me says I shouldn't shave my head yet, but my pillow full of hair tells me different, I am sure I will be shaving it soon

To my FoHo Gals, you know who you are, your the best! Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers and thanks for your offer to take care of personal business for me, THAT brings a HUGE smile to my face.

Onward we go, thru the path of life, may it bring the decisions we need, present challenges we can handle and give us time to stop and smell the daffodils along the way!

The good and the bad of it

Well, Norm talked to the radiation oncologist yesterday and he said I definitely would benefit from the sirspheres liver directed chemo beads... but he wants to make sure my reg oncologist is on board and that is where I think we will have the problem. Had we did this months ago, then we would only be dealing with the new cancer, and though only done in a few places in the U.S, they do something called heated chemo where they go in and pour hot chemo directly on the peritoneal cancer. So all we can do is hope and pray that we can get to a answer to help us. Chemo is on friday so I am sure we will be discussing this then.

I had the best time yesterday with my friend Liz. She came over and hung out with me and it was a lot of fun just talking about old times. She called me this morning and is coming back this afternoon and bringing even more old friends so it should be a lot of fun! I can't wait. No loneliness for me today:)

I have been having some pain issues since last night, I think maybe I have a bladder infection or at least I hope it's not cancer problems with my bladder. I have taken liquid moriphine twice trying to get rid of the pain. It is so weird the way medication works on me now. It eitherworks immediatley or takes hours to work, and sometimes it is like I have taken too much because it all hits at one time. I think this must have something to do with my sometimes slow digestion, so I am going to talk to the Dr about this as well. I am going to ask for the pain patch, at least that doesn't have to be digested to work. It scares me that I will overdose because of my slow digestion.

The weekend

First off, thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your comments. I am glad I have made a thumbprint on some of your lives. Please, also take your health seriously. Colon cancer is the second leading cause of cancer death, please get your colonoscopies, and if you feel something isn't right, dont stop til you figure it out. I am not sure my story would have changed much, but it is said it takes 10-15 years for a polyp to grow into cancer. Since I had a colonoscopy just 4 years before diagnosis, it probably wouldn't have changed my story, unless it was missed then, but if it had been detected then, they simply would have plucked the polyp out and life would be normal for me now. I wouldn't be looking at the end of my life at 46 years old. Don't think for a second your too young for colon cancer! You would be amazed at all the 30 years and up I have met since my cancer journey began, that started off the same as me, stage iv. Take care of yourselves, it could make the difference between life and death, literally!

For Christmas this year, well it's going to happen a little early for a few of the grandkids. I bought some lip balm making stuff for me and my two grandaughters to make together. They will have enough to hand out to friends for Christmas if they want, or enough to last a long time, I hope the memory of making it with me lives on for a long long time. I also got sock monkey making kits coming to make with McKayla, DeAnn and Korban. Again, it's the memory I want to create with them. I think back to most Christmas times and the hussle and bussle of shopping for so much stuff, and ya know what? I can't remember any more of what we bought than can anyone it was bought for. Times are tough, and time is short, so I have decided to do things with everyone I love that will make memories. Who wouldn't rather hang out with little girls making stuff than being in that mess we call Christmas frenzy to buy the best, the biggest, and for what? Homemade has always been best to me, memories well youcan't top memories.

Saturday was so nice, I got out with Nancy H to go check out the place for the benefit with my sister. It still feels weird, the whole benefit, and I still cry everytime I think of the generosity of people using their time and resources on me, but it also touches me deeply that they want to do this for me. I also got to sell a few candles at a craft show my other sister sherry was at. That was the most awesome thing to sell what I created oh so many years ago, I am so proud of Sherry for carrying on GrubbyLand Candles. It felt so good to do thru my sales speel and sell a few candles. I miss it so much.

Today I woke up hurting, well actually all throughout the night, so after taking pain meds and being so tired, the pain has went away and left me nauseated and feverish. So I have just kicked back and taken it easy most of the day. My aughter Sherri and baby RJ did come over earlier so it was great to see them.

I went thru a feel sorry for myself time last night. I was so lonely, none of the kids had called all day, and I was just sad about it, so I journaled, and I prayed and two minutes later Kristi called, and then Sarah called, so it was great to hear from both of them.

Some of the kids have asked for a recording of my voice so while I was gone yesterday, sweet Norm bought me a digital voice recorder. Ya know just when you want to say, Norm, we don't have the money for stuff like that, you just gotta smile and be thankful for the memories it will leave and worry about the money later. I have already recorded myself singing twinkle twinkle little star. I have sang that song to each one of my grandchildren and don't plan on stopping even if I am not here, NaNa will be singing twinkle twinkle, and I will be watching down on all my precious babies. Thy say kids can communicate with you once your gone, and I hope I get the opportunity to whisper in their ears one day just how much I love and miss them. oth Sherri and Sharon(Erics girlfriend) are pregnant and due next year and Sarah will be the greatest Mommy ever one day, so I know Nana will get to at least sing twinkle twinkle little star to all of my grandchildren, no matter what. So, Norm, instead of complaining about the money you spent, all I am gonna say is Thank You for helping me to create lasting memories.
I know I will forever miss my family in a heartbeat. I know that one day, they will join me in heaven for eternity and that is the only part of this that makes it even close to bearable.

Off for nap time....

Reality starts to hit home again

Some moments I can almost forget I have cancer. The last chemo gave me plenty of those since it wasn't really hard on me. I am starting to feel the effects of what I guess is the cancr without chemo, and I am not real fond of the way it is making me feel. I continue to have problems eating, going to the bathroom, feeling nautius, feeling tired and I can feel bumps and lumps under my skin which I am sure are tumors.Oddly enough my hair is coming out in handfuls now, my stomach is rock hard most of the time, even water turns my stomach. I have to find a way to eat without pain and without bloating up like a elephant. I look like one of those malnourished childen you see on tv, a whopping 114 pounds with a massively swollen stomach. Before I rarely slept, now that's all I want to do is sleep. I imagine this too is a result of the cancer taking over in my body. I pray the new chemo will put me back to feeling ok again, ok enough to eat, and digest in a normal way. I fear how much longer I can keep this up, I fear what is yet to come, and am scared. What is it going to feel like to die? Will I be by myself, will it just happen or will we know when it is coming. I have to talk with God about more of this because honestly I am more depressed than I ever have been in my life, but who wouldn't be?

The highlight of my day was when Sarah and Sherri came over for a visit with DeAnn and baby RJ. This is what life is all about. I so look forward to the weekend so I can hang out with Norm. I miss time away from everyone, yet dont really feel well enough to be with anyone, does that even make sense?

I have decided that if my hair keeps coming out in handfuls, this sunday will be the day I shave my head. I dug out my F&*K cancer knit cap and will be wearing that unless the babies are around. Why am I losing my hair when I am not even on chemo now anyways?

Most people don't get the time I have had to do the important stuff, to hug those kids and babies a little tighter, to love like I never have before or to even find friends I never knew I had. I am grateful for all of the time I have had, but I know still at the end of this, I die, plain and simple, yesterdays news, done. I also know that at some point my pain and misery will end. I have thought to myself if I could choose a fast quick death or a slow cancer filled journey, which would I choose, and as I feel myself coming to the end of the slow cancer filled journey, I am not sure, ya I have had extra time with the ones I love, but aren't we gonna have the same result just in slow motion? This cancer stuff is brutal to the body and to the mind, and to the minds of the ones you love. Have I chosen the wrong path going thru all of this chemo only to have them walk thru misery with me, or have I given them precious extra time with me? I always said that one dayI wanted to go to New york, but I know that day isn't gonna come, I did all this work to make myself feel better to be able to be me again, not even realizing that I would never be me again. Perhaps the few who have said they wouldn't do chemo are the smart ones, death is inevitable, I guess it all comes down to how bad do you want life, what are you willing to go thru and will it change the ending. There I said it, the ending, I never realized until tuesday that I couldn't change the ending. death still calls my name, even after 19 rounds of chemo, 1 long surgery, recovery...did it matter? Was I oh so strong or oh so stupid, dragging my loved ones thru more mud that I could have spared them, just for a chance to feel their love one more time.
Bck 14 months ago, I could have did the trips I wanted to do, told my loved ones how much I loved them and then just died, again I am questioning my choices, hopefully like the saying the grass is greener on the other side, hopefully those around me aren't coming to the same conclusion I am today.... I am gonna die anyways, so why did I fight so hard to die anyway

Just numb today

trying to figure it all out. We have decided that we can't go to chicago every week for treatment, we can't afford a weekly trip up there and a hotel stay every week. From what I read, this chemo is pretty tough on the body, the blood counts and brings with it high fever. We are going to check out a new oncologist locally to have some of the treatments done at. This just makes sense as I want to be local when the time comes,not in Chicago. I have grown a serious dislike of Chicago. I have grown a serious dislike to many things, like restaurants i have eaten at while undergoing chemo, applebees is definitely on that list. I have been trying to slowly start deleting out my bookmarks for candle making. I know there won't be a time when I will ever get to go back. Everytime I press the delete key, I think "are you happy now cancer" I miss life like it used to be, I even miss life like it was two days ago.

I am really having problems digesting food now. It's as if my stomach grabs each breath of air I take for hours after I eat, resulting in belching for hours and a horrid bloated feeeling. Thank goodness for liquid moriphine.

I want to accomplish as much as I can before I start the new chemo. It blows my mind what all I have been thru and how I continue, but I know it's just what you do, get in line and follow along.
Thanks for your prayers, I just need peace.

so the thunder starts

We didnt get much good news today. The cancer has spread. It has seedlings typical with my type of cancer in my retroperitoneum(pelvis) The tumors in my liver have also grown, depending on the way you look at it up to double the size they were just 6 weeks ago. There is another treatment called gemzar. It also is typically used for other cancers than mine, but we are going to give it a try. It will mean treatments each week for 3weeks and then one week of rest followed by 3 more weekly treatments and then a ct scan to see if it is helping. He did say that the more chemos you use, the less likely they are to work. This will be my 4th type of chemo.

You have to remember back in March when they did my surgery, they told us there was places they could not get, from my liver, my pelvis, and my bladder. We saw soon after the tumors on my liver reapear larger than ever. Even though the Drs believed there were more areas of cancer the scans always just showed tumors in the liver so this is a HUGE let down, as the docs now get the point on this one, so we are down0-1, and it really stinks when it's your life you are talking about. These seedling bastards of cancer could be causing all of my stomach problems also..

I am sad, sad that I can't seem to grow a rose in a garden but can sprout seedlings on my insides. bad seeds at that. I am sad that we have to so clearly focus on cancer and what it does. I am just depressed or worn out tonite, not sure which, maybe I am just numb,knowing the day would come, but not wanting it toever be here.

I pray I can make it thru the holidays. I don't want to leave a extra have to remember date in 2008. I have to rely on faith, hope and life to get me thru this. I don't wanna waste a second, there is so much I want to do, but feel too lousy to do any of it. Spending time with people is at the top of my to do list. That's what life is all about, spending time with friends and family. I have to find more waysto reduce my boredom. I get so bored here somedays. I pray for hope and light. Thank you all for hanging in with me, your powerful prayers continue to work, everything wll come in time, his time. I have to remember this often. Hug your kids and grandkids today, call them and tell them how much yyou love them, life is way too short to dwell on things that dont matter, find out what matters in your life.

When the Dr Calls

Well, Dr Benson wants to see us in chicago tomorrow to go over what he is seeing in the new ct scan. This can't be good news, when Norm asked if I might get my treatment tomorrow, he was told no, they have to precertify for insurance. I am afraid we are going to a place we dont want to be tomorrow. If you believe in the power of prayer, please pray for me. I hope there is another treatment waiting for me, but fear there isn't since we have been told before there isn't much more we can do here in the U.S.
God Help Us!

I prayed three times today

These are the words my grandson, Skylar said to me. I rarely check my voicemails and when I did,I found a message from Skylar, crying, telling me he loved me, missed me and needed to talk to me... my heart sunk. Skylar is just 9 years old, his other grandma had breast cancer and he got to watch her brave her way back to good health, Skylar knew I have cancer too. I realize now he made that call after he was told I was in the hospital and not doing well. I called skylar immediately and he cried to me on the phone telling me how much he loves me and misses me and needs to see me, we set up for him to come over today to help carve a pumpkin an then he said i prayed 3 times today nana. I nearly couldn't keep it together. I told him to keep praying that God always listens tous when we pray. I realized then I had broken my grandsons heart. My precious 9 year old grandson was told the inevitable, that I was dying of my cancer. This breaks my heart. This precious child should NOT have to go thru this. he shouldn't have to hear this. I told his other grandma to make sure one day when things got bad to tell Skylar that her cancer wasnt like mine, as I dont want skylar to wonder if he will lose her too. I never thought I would have to face that day and I have. I have broken my tender hearted grandsons heart, I have stamped him with a stamp that will never disapear, I have now marked his life forever in a way I never ever wanted to impress on any child. This is the single hardest thing to have to do when it comes to cancer and dying, is to mark those sweet caring, impreshionable children. God, why do I have to do this to my babys? I don't understand anymore at all.
I am going to be carving a pumpkin with skylar this afternoon and i know it will be so different fromevery other year, for I have marked my grandson with a mark i never ever wanted to, the stamp of his Nana's cancer, the stamp that he knows now that Nana wont be like mamaw and spring back to life. This is the face of cancer I hate the worst, do anything you want to me, but not my babys, not my babys............I Love you Skylar more than life itself.

Out of hospital

I am out of the hosptial,left on my own. Wasn't getting proper care and wasnt about to stick around for more rude, arrogant half assed care so left. Things will work themselves out one way or the other. As has already been said GOD is good all the time. thank for prayers.its true, the ony one i can truly trust is GOD, he will never let me down.

Me Again

Okay, Kristi again...Tami didn't ask me to give this update, but I know we have some GREAT prayer warriors out there, and I wanted to keep you updated...

Friday morning we had POOP!!!! So, that's the good news...

Unfortunately, there was MAJOR frustration today. One know-it-all doc that thought she had all the answers, and was totally not hearing our concerns. Seriously, Tami was ready to walk until her patient advocate came in, and we finally got some communication going.

Kenny and I had to leave for home around noon on Friday, because I am working Fri-Sun. I'm very frustrated that I can't be there in person right now to advocate for her, but I did spend quite a bit of time on the phone with Tami, Norm, the floor nurse, and Tami tech. After hours of talking and call after call, we finally got somewhere...

Wait, let me back up...sorry I think I am getting a little groggy!

Today, the docs are saying that they are encouraged that Tami's bowels are moving, and desire to find a good combination of bowel/pain regimes that work for her so she can go home and eat and not have pain. There isn't nearly as much testing going on as we imagined, and I got a desperate email from Tami about meds, which began my gaggle of phone calls around 10:30 tonight. When I last talked to her, her blood pressure had dropped (again!) and she was loaded w/ pain meds, zanax, and a sleeping pill, plus bowel relaxers and a laxative. She was getting quite loopy, so after one more call to the nurse to smooth things over and make sure she is looked after, I am hoping she can settle in for some sleep. I am assuming she is pretty pooped (pardon the pun) after a stressful day of trying so hard to communicate, and hope it wore her out enough to cause a restful night of sleep.

I know I am rambling a bit, so let me summarize...

The docs think that this bowel issue is multi-faceted...a combo of bowel changes post surgery and maybe even med related (pain meds can complicate constipation.) They want to keep her there to find the winning drug combo to prevent these pain episodes so she can eat w/out fear before sending her home, and have talked about a follow up colonoscopy once her bowels are less irritated.

Please pray...

For wisdom and direction for the doctors. That they are caring and work hard to find and solve the source of her pain.

For Tami for comfort and peace. That she can rest up and feel acknowledged and heard. That she can eat without fear and pain, and for God sakes, that her blood pressure stop dropping and that she can stay hydrated!

For Norm, that he continues to advocate for her...(and me! I HATE being this far away)

Thanks so much for the support, you will never know how comforting it is to see the people that care for our mom! (in-law)

I will try to update one more time towards the end of the weekend when I am less sleep-deprived or if anything new comes into play...

Okay, bedtime!

Tami is in the Hospital

Hey Everyone,

It's Kristi here...for those of you who don't know yet, I am Tami's daughter-in-law, and she is one of if not the best friend that I have. She is responsible for the sensitive, affectionate man that I love, and she is a constant source for wisdom and love...

I am blogging tonight because Tami asked me to. She really uses her blog and the comments on it as a source of strength, and God knows we could use some strength and peace right now.

I got a call this afternoon from Norm, telling me that he was driving Tami up to Northwestern tonight, as we have not had a trace of poop since Monday and Tami has dealt with crippling pain as a result. So, they decided if they had to pick a hospital, her oncologist's home hospital was the best choice.

Well, here it is a bit after 11, and Norm just called me and Tami asked me to update all of her prayer warriors on here so we could unite together in prayer. After a CT scan, the doctors have discovered what they are referring to as a "partial blockage," and it is unknown what the next plan of action will be. I will be waiting up for the next few hours, as Norm will call me back after they meet with the surgeons who specialize in treatment of this condition. I promise to update you as soon as I hear anything.

Until then, may you all know the grace and mercy of God's unfailing love. May you rest in the shadow of his comfort, and rejoice in the thrill of his presence. Give your loved ones hugs and kisses, and hold those you love as close to you as possible, for every day is a precious gift.

I will leave you with the words I love to live by, as I have found strength and peace in them...

God is good...ALL the time!

Peace.
Kristi

Same stuff, different day

I can feel it getting old for everyone around me. I hope everyone knows how much I hate putting them thru this. There are no answers sometimes. Sometimes theres nothing new, just the same old, same old. I wish I had a better update, but was supposed to hear from gastro dr yesterday about getting a colonoscopy on friday, withholding part of chemo til next week, but no call, no news, so who knows if chicago will even happen at all. who knows anything anymore..............I woke up last night a few times from horrible pains from no poop, as I said sometimes it's literally same shit, different day. Eating hurts, digesting hurts, i suppose it's just cancer and cancer hurts. I hope this cancer is as lonely as I am, I hope this cancer disapears one day in the midst I hope I find me again one day, I don't like being like this anymore either...

Off to Chicago tomorrow and reflections of the way it "used" to be

for my appt, with the gastro Dr. The weekend was filled with ups and down, pain episodes, feeling great enough to get out last night and take Skylar to a hockey game, more pain followed by pushing myself to get out today and take Mckayla and Korban to the pumpkin patch for pumpking picking, corn maze and face painting, oh and pumpkin cookies for the kids. It was fun to hang out with the grandkids throughout the weekend:) Sarah came down earlier so it was great to spend time with her even though I wasn't feeling the best. Hopefully the Gastro Dr can help us get all of this figured out. Thank God for my sister Sherry for coming down to get me and taking me up to Chicago tomorrow. The human spirit continues to amaze me with everyones support for me as I go thru all of this. It still feels surreal at times, all I can do is thank God for the love of those around me, the kindness of complete strangers as the benefit comes together and the presence of my loved ones. Again today I am blessed

Normal days don't seem, well no they aren't what they used to be. Even now, I feel like I have wasted so much time with the ones I love, I have this neat screen saver that goes thru all the pictures over the years on my computer and it still hits me that I was normal then, but wasted so much time, so much precious time. It brings life clearer that we never get a redo of even a second of our lives. Thank those around you, love those around you, and remember there are no redos when you go about your normal day, you never know when normal will change forever. One thing is for sure, life is so precious, I wish I hadn't wasted a second, a minute or even a day with those I love. I plan to remember this in whatever future I have left and hope if you are reading this, you will take it to heart and remember there aren't any redos, so make it your best second, minute or day.

I stopped for a minute tonite to reflect with Norm on how different my journey would be if only the Dr that did my colonoscopy 5 years ago would have found the tumor on my colon then, or perhaps it would have just been a polyp then, or perhaps which I doubt it wasn't even there then. I did all the right things and still slipped right thru the cracks. If that Dr would have found it then when I was 41 and had my first colonoscopy, my life would be so different now. It doesn't really matter now, or does it? Once again, there is no turning back time....precious seconds wasted day dreaming about if only they would have found this sooner, if it takes 10 years for a polyp to turn to cancer and I had a colonoscopy just 5 years ago, why, oh why am I where I am now? slipped right thr the cracks, and thinking about it doesn't change where I am today, just more wasted seconds ticking away from my life... I wonder if this is how my Mom felt, as she passed away at a mere 44 years old of this beast we call cancer. No more wasting precious seconds from my life clock..tick, tick, tick

Today I realize how blessed I am

Today I realized how blessed I am, actually every day is a blessing from God. All the textbooks, weblinks, even many Dr's say I shouldn't be here, and yet I am here. As my Daughter in law Kristi says, we continue to find the pearl in the sandstorm. I am nearing the 14 month mark. It is true, it is so hard to find hope when everywhere I look, it says hopeless, yet I have found hope for 14 months. I need to live my own advice, at the beginning of this journey, my first oncologist wanted to tell me how long I had, I told him I didn't want to know, and said to him, there was only one that knew the true answer to that and it wasn't him. I need to rely on him a whole lot more. That one is God. I know he is with me every step of this journey and only when he decides to take me from my earthly body to heaven, is the time when I will go. I need to rely on my knowledge of this even more.

I have learned so much about love and life. It's not about how clean your house is, if the toilet paper has to go turned up or down, or even about anything you own. It's about the people that touch you and the people you touch in your life time. Think back to when you were a child, think of the teachers that stand out in your mind, It's the same way throughout life. Everyone you come across will teach you something about life, good or bad, but they all create who you are., and everyone you come across, you will teach them something as well, good or bad. The rich man is no better than the homeless man. It really isn't about the storm but learning to dance in the rain.

On the health front, I am having a tough time getting thru these stomach issues but I am workig on them. I have a apt in Chicago on Monday to see the gastro dr that did my endoscopy so hopefully he can help a little more. I ended up in the local ER again today after I felt light headed and just not so great today. My magnesium was a little low, as were some of my other counts, but not better than they normally are 2 weeks after chemo. My platelets are in the don't play with knives stage but hopefully they will rebound before next week when I go for my 8th round of this chemo. My stomach gets unusually quiet mid day, and perhaps it is just normal, but for me, it is a bit scary for my stomach to suddenly go quiet when it is usually filled with motion I can feel. I have switched laxatives and am hoping for good results, no pain episodes today so that is a very good thing. I even ate 4 times today so that is a big thing for me to be able to do that.

The best part of my day was getting to see my grandson Korban(booga) today. He is 3 and he is filled with so much life. The sparkle in his eyes and the kisses he blew me completely made my day and my struggles all worth while.

When the professionals aren't very professional

I guess this is one of my biggest pet peeves. After realizing I needed something else besides miralax. I called my gastro office. The nurse called back several hours later and said well take citracel, I said I can't do the fiber approach, she said well then it's a crap shoot haha... I said nothing, I wanted to say, after you leave the office today make sure you go home and have a huge wonderful meal, follow it with a nice dessert and then snack the rest of the night, and do it all for me since I can't eat because I don't know what will happen anymore that it is taking all of my energy trying to figure this out so I can eat enough to survive.... something small but it bugged me, along with every tv show, commercial, saying, etc that jokes about cutting cancer out, things growing like a cancer, and the list goes on and on and on. I guess this nurse thought this was a joking matter, well it's not, it's serious, and I am scared, scared enough to rather not eat than chance a pain episode, and well we all know that can't happen. It pisses me off that I have fought this disease that the statistics say I should have died months ago, to be at the point that they can't even help me find a way to go to the bathroom without making jokes and offering no suggestions, too bad it's very real for me, but it makes me wonder what this world has come to?

Ok I have ranted enough, now time to try to chill out and let go and let God again.
Look for a link to more details on the benefit for me coming really soon. Thank you to all who are using your time, planning this all out for me. It touches my heart in a very deep way.

Happy Anniversary Norm

Today is our 13th wedding anniversary. It seems like I have been with Norm for a life time and yet our time seems so short. He certainly has taught me alot about life and I am glad he is my soul mate. I hate putting him thru this but can't imagine going thru this without him. I am thankful this man came 2400 miles to be with me! God must have known I was going to need alot of angels in my life, and I am sure he sent me Norm as one of them.

Today I haven't had any pain episodes. I started off this morning with enough gurgling to burp up the house full of air, then everything got real quiet and stayed that way until dinner time. It felt weird, my stomach was quiet, almost scary weird but I decided to let go and let god, and just go with it. I am again gurgling, but most importantly no pain episode! I think we are going to try to get in with the gastro dr in chicago that did the endoscope on me a few weeks ago when we go up for chemo next week. Maybe he can put a better light on what is going on. Today I have decided to let God do the driving for a while. He knows better than I do what will help me, and so I have placed this all into God's hands and asked him to help me however he sees fit. I just have to keep reminding myself, I am safe with God, and can kick back while he shows me what needs to be done and what I can let go of, as I like to say, I am trying not to sweat the small stuff. I almost feel a sense of calm, and that is what I need most.

Prayers needed for a fellow colon cancer friend

I believe in the power of prayer. I have met many people on my journey with cancer. Shawndra is one of them. I hope they don't mind, but I am going to post a link to her blog. Can you all please put Shawndra in your prayers? Shawndra and her family really need them right now. She has shown me strength since my journey began and she could really use your prayers.
http://shawndraturner.blogspot.com/


My friend for over 20 years snapped me out of my funk today. I don't think she even knows it but she did it with a few select words, she told me in a email that I needed to stop worrying about the what if's, that they weren't doing me any good and were only making me upset. Debbie, thank you for bringing me out of my funk with your email. Your words have made me grab ahold of the rope and pull upwards again.

Barb and Jackie you made me smile so big today with your kind gift of flowers! I don't know what I did to deserve friends like you, but I am so glad to have both of you in my lives. They couldn't have arrived at a better time.

I just had a pain episode, this is the first one in 10 days and if nothing else I think we figured them out finally, hopefully. Here goes the poop talk, Friday I ended up in the emergency room with diarrea and numbness to the left side of my face. I can't seem to get a happy medium between being constipated and having constant diarrea. Finally after changing bowel relaxers, because of the crazy feeling they were giving me, being told to just stop taking them at all, they were causing constipation. Well for two days I had no poop, so this morning after talking to my nurse in chicago, she said it was safe to take miralax up to three times a day, so I took miralax this morning and then pooped, but as the day wore on I felt like I had a obstruction going on so I took miralax again this afternoon. Bad choice! By this evening I had major diarrea and then I had a pain episode. They feel like a air lock. My entire stomach into my chest just feels like one giant cramp that lasted for over 45 minutes tonite and immediately I am filled with air that feels like one giant air lock. I think we have finally figured out it is the miralax. I pray it isn't that I have strained my colon somehow and that they don't continue. BUT, I think we finally figured out this is what happens after too much miralax, which we had suspected, but were just glad for the relief. Tomorrow will tell, but I think we are finally figuring it out. It's time for the Dr's to put me on something else for my bowels to move, and definitely time for me to learn patience when it comes to pooping, even if the Dr thinks I need to go every day, some days it's just not going to happen. Sorry to be so frank about poop. It's just like talking about the weather around here these days, we even have our own poop names, pretty sad, but true...

It's definitely time to quit worrying about things I can't control, and hang on to the things that make me smile. Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I know that this is just the beginning, and know their is eternal life with Jesus Christ.

Just thinking tonite

I used to feel like I was a good writer, but lately I just can't think it thru. Does that even make sense? I was just watching Oprah recorded and a thought hit me, what if Oprah had cancer? Would cancer treatment change? Would a cure be found sooner? She would definitely have better access to the best care whereever that may be. Then I thought to myself, why didn't Oprah get cancer? She isn't married, has no kids, no grandkids, has accomplished so much in her life. Then it hit me, maybe it is because she has been a cause for change for so many people, maybe that's why she doesnt have cancer. Maybe I haven't made enough impact onto other peoples lives, maybe thats the reason I have cancer. I ask God all the time to show me the path he wants for me in life, I promise I will walk whatever path he lays in front of me, I plead and I beg with God to take this cancer away. I ask, why me? Sometimes this all seems so surreal, I can't even imagine it, yet I am living it. I read the weekly bulletins from church and cut out the special section in each one. I am told not to worry for God knows exactly what I need and will provide it for me. I have learned God will not give you more than you can handle, yet this seems so overwhelming, most days I don't feel like I can handle it. I continue to search for my path in life, and hope that I have changed enough lives, been friends enough, been a inspiration to someone, been a good enough wife, mother, and nana. I pray I am on the right path to heaven. I wonder what heaven will be like, I can't imagine I am told. But I can't imagine that I won't miss every one I know in this life. I can't even imagine.........

I am still feeling crappy. Nausea and shakiness all the time. The poop vibes worked, well a little too well, so I am hurting from that. I am still scared of having a pain episode, but starting to feel a little more confident. I still haven't added anything with sugar back into my diet. I wonder if what happened was a reaction to the ct dye. I realize these pain attacks started the day after I had my last ct scan, all I can do is weed through all of it one step at a time. I have learned to have so much patience. I think that is why I go thru crazy spells, it's the old Tami coming back that stresses about everything and has no patience what so ever. I have learned so much about life over the last 13 months, and yet I thought I knew it all before. Onward I go, one breath at a time, one day at a time, trying to live in the now, not in the past, nor the future, just in the now.

Above is a picture of me and Norm at Sarah's wedding. l LOVE this picture. I am glad we have this picture to cherish. I have always been a "don't take my picture' kinda person, so in the last 13 months, I have turned into a take my picture... reminds me of the old kid smart alec saying "take a picture it lasts longer"

Next week is mine and Norm's 13th Wedding Anniversary! I can't imagine who I was, or how I made it in life before Norm. He is yet another of my angel on earth team members. I am finding I have a lot of people in my angel on earth team. Thank you all for being in my club. I am fortunate.

Plans are under way for a benefit for me for the saturday after thanksgiving. A team of angels are putting it all together. more info to follow, if you are interested in helping with the benefit, donating, attending or whatever, please email me. This is a tough thing for me, admitting we need the benefit. It feels weird, yet I know it is needed and could be my only hope to going abroad for treatment. We have also decided that the profits from Tami's cancer kickin candle will go towards the benefit. This was not a easy decision but after I talked with a few customers and they said they assumed that was where it was going, I thought about it and agreed. It stinks to be down and out, but sometimes that's just the way it is..... as I say way too often these days, It is what it is.