Here I am awake again

I just can't sleep at night anymore! Pain always finds me at night, no matter how much medicine I take.

I go to the Dr in Decatur tomorrow at 2:45, then hopefully back again on friday morning for chemo in decatur. I am anxious to meet this new Dr, actually the Dr is a she, so this will be a new thing for me. I just hope she is caring. I am not sure what my grand daughter will think when she sees me with "my purse" again( the chemo 48 hour pump I am on after chemo)

I talked to Norm a llittle about not going further with chemo tonite. I should be so thrilled that I can have chemo, when so many cancer patients can not. I guess I am just depressed. It seems like it hits me every day that I have cancer and it isn't going away. You would think after 15 months, I would have accepted it by now right? But somehow it seems that I reaccept it every day, and it makes me sad and angry and lonely and scared. I guess all of this pain really has me scared, and I know chemo could take away the pain by shrinking the cancer, but I remember being chemoed all too well, I just wish I could get a small break where I feel good and can act normal. I don't even know what normal is anymore, because this isn't normal. Normal for me would be scurrying to finish candle parties, candle orders and getting excited to start decorating and shopping for the holidays. Normal isn't looking around at a less than clean house, pill bottles, ensure, medical appt's, medical receipts, books about dying gracefully around. This Isn't normal. Ok, here I am whining again, and I keep promising myself I am not going to do that anymore, no time to waste, man oh man do I wish I had some time to waste!

I am thankful I am here today through the grace of God.