This holiday season has been really rough on me. I am thankful to be here, as last year I was sure I wouldn't be. Well this year, I have the same feeling, just a little more realistic as the pain whizzes through my body, that I won't be here next yeat for Christmas so it has once again been important to give forever gifts, except this year I feel the urgency to give them now, instead of waiting until Christmas. I gave Eric the fleece blanket that I cut and tied for his baby that is due in June. Tonite Sarah and Josh came over for dinner. I promised Sarah a long time ago, I would be there when she had a baby. I know I have to break that promise. It breaks my heart more than I can write. I made a couple of the fleece tie baby blankets and I purchased a baby bracelet that I had scribed into it, My NaNa watches over me. These gifts will never take the place of me being there when Sarah has babies one day, but I want to be there in some way or another, so I gave her these gifts. My daughter is so precious to me and I know one day I will see my grandbabies be born, from afar but I will be there in spirit. I have been so fortunate that I could be here to see my 5 grandchildren that I have now, but I can't help feeling mad, angry, upset, pisses off, hurt, emotionally a wreck... that I can't be here to keep my promise to my baby girl. Sarah said, but what if you are here Mom. Ah my daughter the eternal optimist, or does she just know the right words to say to me, I am not sure which I would rather it be. Sweet Sarah, I love you forever, my sweet baby girl. forever in my heart.
Think this year about forever gifts you can give, unfortunately we just never know. I am still feeling really bad. My sleep continues to be short, my pain long and I am a wreck emotionally. Sometimes this is all just too much, I would rather hide in denial, but pain makes it real, too real. I love you dear Family, thank you so much for being here for me. I feel as if I have lost my mind, and then I realize that I probably have, who wouldn't? I have to focus on everything, that everyone has done, I have to remember the memories we have been able to create with these extra months, and I have to give praise to Jesus for it all.
Psychic Kids
14 years ago
7 comments:
You have already given "forever" gifts for all your family -- your love, your caring, and being a role model for courage and determination. This last one you also bestowed upon all your blog readers, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that we are truly grateful for that.
The best gift I could get from you if I was family would be a picture of you smiling, and a letter telling me your favorite memories of me, and a reassurance of your love.
Hang in there Tami, it's not time to give up yet. Your brain is skewed by the pain, the drugs and the sleeplessness. Trust Norm to guide you.
Wishing you all the best, the lounge queen
I agree with lounge queen. Your love is the forever gift and I like the idea of the letters. We should all take the time to do that.
I know I've said this many times but you are an inspiration to me. Your posts really make me stop and realize what is and is not important and I have resolved to make changes in my life. Everyone who knows me is well aware that I'm a workaholic and it's become something of a joke with customers, coworkers and family...got to tell you that is not how I want to be remembered.
My mother never believed in waiting to give a gift and we often got Christmas early. I've felt her with me so much lately...it's hard to explain but there is no doubt. She loved the hoildays, not the gift part as much as the homemade goodies and visits. Your posts urge me to make sure that happens for all the grandkids...thanks Tami...love, Brenda
You have given wonderful gifts for years....raising your children and loving those grandchildren. You are giving the perfect gifts now...the tie blankets for your grandchildren and future grandbabies. Write letters to each kid to each grandchild and tell them the things that are special about them and the hopes and Dreams you have for them.
Now is also a time for you to seek help for pain and comfort and Hospice can help with that as well as help all your family deal with the feelings they have inside that they may also need to talk about or ask about.
Calling Hospice is not giving up - it can be a comfort to you and all those you love.
Praying for you
Tami: my sister used Hospice. it worked good for her and all of us in the family. the only thing with hospice that would probably not work for you right now is that when Julie had it, she had to give up all treatments before they would start making thier visits. but they were wonderful with all of us............Barb
Deciding if you need Hospice can be a hard decision so when making that....you have to think of the hard days....you have posted "My sleep continues to be short, my pain long and I am a wreck emotionally".
Be kind to yourself and request the help of hospice. You will be taken care of by a nurse that will get you the nutrition and hydration that you probably need as well as pain control. With those 3 things taken care of for you - you also have a caring professional to help you deal with those emotions.
You will then be free to enjoy visits from friends and family and quality time with your kids and grandkids during the Holidays.
Always praying for you and Norm.
Hi Tam,
I have to echo everyone of these comments. I can't imagine that this is an easy decision for you...as I am sure that all of the decisions you have made in the last year have been hard to make.
You have to do what is good for you and your family and they will all understand no matter what choice you and your family make.
Enjoy your family during this loving time of the year...and know that you are loved by so many others who lives YOU have touched!!!
Hand in there, be as strong as you can be!!! And know that God is on your side.
Much love Tam....sure do miss you.
Brandie
Just an FYI to everyone, Tami is not even close to needing to be in a hospice yet, yes she has bad pain, and sleep is harder when she is in pain, but the doctors are trying to find that fine balance that will help her relax and get the rest she needs to keep on fighting.
She is a tough cookie, up against a bear of a fight, even at her weakest moments she is tougher than anyone I have every seen.
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