Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to everyone! Christmas is such a precious time, it marks the birth of Jesus and this year especially like no other, I am celebrating it the wayit should have been all along, I am so thankful for the birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ. I know if it weren't for my cancer journey, I wouldn't know our heavenly father as well as I do now, and I am so thankful I have had a chance to get to know Jesus. He is always there for all of us, he puts faith back into me when I need it most, he carries me at times when I can't imagine going on. He has given me so many blessing throughout life as well as throught my cancer journey.

We will be spending Christmas with all of the kids, and grandkids here, just like always. There isn't alot of presents to pass out, and that is just the way it should be. The gifts that are here are gifts from my heart, things for the most part that I have made. I am so thankful that I am here and able to make gifts that will keep the memory alive for a long time to come. I am so thankful that I am here, I really didn't think I would be, and I am, letting me know once again, it's not in my ability, it is in the lords ability, and only he will tell me when it is time to go. I have been asking him for clearer direction, I am putting all of this into his hands, he already knows, so I am listening to him.
I hope each of you get the chance to be with your families today and to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. We are all so blessed. Through our saviour Jesus Christ, we can all have eternal life in heaven, this is just the beginning and I am told, we have no idea of the glory of what is yet to come. I am so thankful for my family and friends. I hope I have caused even one person to wake up and smell the roses before it is too late.

I ended up at the Hospital last night. The shot to make me go to the bathroom, well, it was horrible, I got all the cramps,but that was it and they wouldn't go away, for those of you who have given birth, it was like the end stage of labor except it didn't come and go, it stayed, my entire colon was cramping up. Thankfully, a stmoach pill to stop the contractions and some iv dildid did the job. I was so afraid Iwould be spending Christmas in the hospital, so again I am thankful.
I also found something that really makes it all hit home. When my Mom died, for 3 nights before she died, she would be very talkative during the day, go into horrible pain followed by this scream that I can only inagine sounds like the scream I hve heard rabbits make when they are dying, then she would go into a coma at night time. Thankfully, the lord took her on the 4th morning and she did not have to endure the pain any longer.... where am I going with rhis?
Well last week or the week before when I went to the ER, they put a iv in me and it hurt so bad, thenurse walked away for a second and the syringe that was hooked to it fell and started to pull the iv out, well since then I am terrified of needles. I never even clenched before and believe me I have been stuck alot. Well last night when the nurse went to put the iv in my arm, I was in HORRIBLE pain from it, it seems they use a larger plasic needle that goes too far in or something, well while she was putting the iv in, this scream came from me, I didn't even realize itwas coming from me, I have never made that sound before, but as soon as it was over and she had pulled the iv out, I realized that was the scream my mom had for those nights before she passed. Very scary stuff. I realize why My Mom did so many of the things she did when she was dying of cancer. I realize because it feels like some of the same is happening to me. I never understood before til I got cancer. I always questioned why she didnt fight harder, why she only ate and drank what she wanted to, which was corn curls and whiskey. I realize now why my Mom was put into a mental ward when she was dying. I know now alot of what I didn't understand then, perhaps this is all part of my journey, but I understand more and more each day why she did what she did. My Mom was a amazing woman who loved me so deep. Cancer does something to you, that tears your very soul apart, I know this too well. I only hope when I go toheaven I take the old me, because these days I dont like me very well.

WOW this turned into a massive post and I really just wanted to say Merry Christmas to all of you out there in blog land, and so I will leave it at that. Thank you for your continued prayers for me, I need peace, no pain, and even more no pain.
Have a very Merry Christmas,
Tami