Christmas was wonderful!

Christmas was everything it should be, family, a wonderful time, and good food to be shared. It meant alot to have everyone here. I made the girls journals complete with hand made covers with pictures on them. It was alot of fun making them and I think they all liked them. I have been journalling for many months now and it gives me peace, helps to clear my mind and also lets those closest to me have something to hang on to when I am gone. I hope the kids and my sisters use their journals.afterall, one day their words will be a memory for those they leave behind. Still so hard to believe but we are all going to die, could be fast or could be slow but everyone doesn't get the blessing of time that I have had and journalling is a great way to leave behind a piece of yourself, your inner most self, thoughts, feelings, wants, fears, happiness and sadness. I know I will be leaving behind this special gift for those that love me thru my journal. Many days I believe it is because of this blog, my journal and my digital tape recorder that keep me sane, or as sane as one can be under these circumstances.

I didn't end up having chemo on Friday. Christmas evening I got the worst cramps in my stomach, and they didn't go away until 5:30 in the morning. There was no way I could hve tolerated chemo. I thought for sure I was on my way out, I don't know how much more pain my body can tolerate. We went ahead and saw the Dr friday afternoon, she still believes that the pain is coming from the tumors in my pelvis. I still say they are from my colon., BUT I can't order tests and she can and she won't she doesn't feel they are needed. So we chnged my pain meds a little bit, and the plan is to have chemo on Monday nnd if I am still in pain, then we don't do chemo but instead I will be admitted to the hospital so they can try to get my pain under control. It is horrible when I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open, but the pain prevents me from sleeping. I will be honest, I am scared, but know whatever will be, will be, so just kinda waiting it out.

Last night, I kept filling up with gas and each time it would take a couple of hours to get it out of me, so not much sleep again. Today was reasonable with pain, but I could tolerate it, but then here we are tonite, with that same gas pain, bloaty, sore, crampy. I bought a new massage cushion for my chair clearanced today and I am using it right now and it is really helping. I am not sure if the constant vibration is a distraction from the pain or it is taking the pain away, but I will take it. Between this and my debbie heat pillows and hot bths, I am surviving. The Dr told me again she wouldnot consider a pain pump for liquid dilodid, so I am not sure what else they can give me. I counted pills from two days ago, since I am loggin everything so I don't forget what I have and havent taken, and I took 15 pills in one day! Hard to believe that two years ago, I took nothing, nothing at all for anything and now I have quite the wardrobe of pain meds, laxztives, muscle relaxers, and the list goes on. NO wonder I get constipaated takin so much medicine.

To answer questionf from the comments.... yes I am still smoking. I know not good for me, but what else do I have? It's not like they have ever told me I would live longer if I quit, and it's my one bad habit and I refuse to give it up. I had just turned 14 when my Mom passed away, so it has been 33 years since I have seen her. I know she is waiting for me and will be there with her hand reached out for me when I get to heaven.

I was also turned down from the insurance company for coverage for sir spheres, which I figured would happen, so I am going to call the Dr in colorado and update him on my latest scan and growth and see if he still feels we should appeal. I hear it is pretty common to get turned down, but is usually easy to get it reversed. I just need time, and I am not sure I have that luxury of time anymore. I am still pissed at myself for not pursuing sir spheres many months ago. It is clear again that most Dr's are in it for the money. Now, the Dr we saw in chicago will not return emails or phone calls, I am sure because the chemo dollars aren't falling his way. We told him we still wanted him to call the shots, I guess he decided on his own path by bowing out.
So folks, I am not sure where my road in life is going. There area many other specialists out there, I just dont know if I can do the trip and I know I have to get chemo, and a chemo that works and fast if I am going to be here for more than a few months. Pray for the right decisions, and the right dr's to cross our path. It is God's will and it is unclear right now what I am supposed to do, the christian part of me says to fight is to have faith, but yet I know the toll that this constant pain and no sleep is putting on my body, so again I give it to God and ask him to show me the way.
Thank you all. I hope you all had wonderful Christmas's and are preparing for the new year. I am amazed I am here, I wasn't supposed to see 2008, much less see the whole 2008 and it appears I just might see the new year come in.
Blessings,
Tami