Me again...

Tami asked me to update her blog, as she said in her last post, she has been having some pain after eating, it just seemed to get worse over the weekend, but we finally got her in to have an EKG done. The good news is that it is not cardiac, the bad news is that we were no further along in trying to figure it out.

This morning we tried experimenting, we started with so anti-heartburn meds, she hate a yogurt but still had this pain attack, this is what convinced her to go get the EKG done. After talking to Dr Benson and the doctor that did her colon surgery's weekend service, and not getting alot out of them we decided to try Gas-X 30 mins before eating and her Creon 10 enzymes that she was given a few weeks back to help nutriant ubsorbtion. With this combo at lunch she didn't have one of her attacks, but after a nap she woke up with tailbone pain she gets now and again, I was still secretly happy because it wasn't the pain she had been getting. At dinner we did the same thing, and this time we didn't get any pain (besides the usual little pains she always has and no, I am not talking about me).

Of course this may be a fluke, but we willl keep doing this as long as it keeps working, and as long as she keeps things moving thru her. Just in case as well, we will keep on these doctors to be a little more helpful. I wont hold my breathe on that tho.

My bigger job will be to try and help Tami control her stress levels, I know that is a big factor as well. We did get to have a little fun as we went to the Apple Pork Festival here in Clinton. Anyways, I am sure she will post again soon, she just felt like being a slacker tonight so I am happy to help out :).

Wish me luck

I have been having these daily pain episodes that start about a hour after breakfast for the past week and a half. It causes pain in my right side under my ribs, and pain in my chest, and makes my left arm feel really weak. My oncologist wants me to go to the ER when it happens next time, which I presume will be in the morning to get a ekg done, he also wants me to get a internist and a gastroentrologist. I have no faith in Dr's and even less in local Dr's but cant just run to Chicago, and all my oncologist ever seems to say is, it's normal, we're not concerned about it,blah blah blah. He's the only specialist in my cancer in Illinois. how do I even find a Dr locally that will even understand or remember that page from college about neuroendocrine cancer? I have been told to have another colonoscopy, but again I can't run to chicago for everything and dont feel comfortable with the locals since my experience at diagnosis. Rationally, the best choice is to quit eating. I even had a pain episode tonite after dinner. I am sure something is blocked, something is not right, but I just don't know where to turn anymore. I feel like I need a advocacy group to find my medical care, but know they will just say well you have cancer. Is this the end for me? It kinda feels like it, I know this pain is unmanageable and I can't deal with it. I know food causes it, but just not sure why, so somehow I am going to be thrust into a world of unknown Dr's to once again tell me what is what. Sometimes I wish they would just hook me up to tpn for iv nutrition and give me a bag hanging from my stomach to poop in, then I wouldn't deal with figuring out what is going in and what won't come out. I know that sounds bad, but I am just tired of being sick and sick of being tired. I can't sleep anymore either as if the rest weren't bad enough. A xanax, half percocet and a sleeping pill will give me 3 hours of solid sleep if I try really hard, unfortunately that combo isnt even working tonite. My body is just wore out from all of this and my mind isn't far behind and may actually be even more wore out than my body. I have to figure all of this out and I have to rely on a strange Dr to help me. The only thing I can do is pray and I know God will help me get through all of this. I just hope the Dr's dont see the cha ching dollar signs and decide I need to be in the hospital, thats my biggest fear, I dont ever want to be in the hospital again. I am scared and once again today, I am cancer...I hate this disease

The highs and lows cancer brings with it

Another of my favorite pictures, you will have to clik on it to get the full meaning of it. This is a secret language between myself and korban(booga) I ask him how much he loves me and he stretches his arms as far back as possible to show the amount of love, and says I love you this much. here we are showing each other how much we love each other. Looking on is My soon to be daughter in law Sharon and my grandson Skylar.

I realized today that cancer magnifys everything in life. From the moment you hear the words"you have cancer" Life changes, from that second forward, everything is magnified. The highs in life are even higher, and sadly the lows are lower than ever before. Positive experiences, positive words have much more meaning after being diagnosed with terminal cancer. I realize more the meaning of good in my life, I appreciate more, see more, sense more and relish more in the things most just take for granted and I took for granted before those 3 words changed my life. I like everyone else, just lived as if there would always be a tomorrow and took a lot for granted in life. I don't do that anymore, I truly appreciate each day and any good that happens within that day. Bad things that happen effect me even more than they ever would have before cancer. Things I would have just blown off to a bad day, now ruin my day, my week, my month or my future no matter how long or short that will be. Things I used to be able to just shake off, I can't anymore. Every word that is spoken negatively to me is magnified, examined, to the point I am sure I over examine every thing. I get hurt much easier by words or actions that are negative than I ever did before. As I said at the beginning, today I have learned that cancer has magnified everything in my life. When my brother and sister in law left on Saturday, it was magnified, not just a see you next time, but a heartfelt, I will miss you, because I am not sure I will see them again. When my in laws left it was the same thing, it used to be see you in two years, this year it was a heartfelt thank you for everything you have done for us, Thank you for giving me Norm, Thank you for taking me under your wing, and I will miss you. I couldn't say I will see you again, because reality says I may not. I only wish that life had become magnified before I got cancer, I am grateful for the chances I have had since getting cancer, but I am sorry that I didn't take life more serious before cancer. Next time you say good bye, use me for your example to magnify it to what it should be, life is so short and so unpredictable, shouldn't everyone magnify life? When someone steps on my heart strings, I take it very literally now, before it would have just been a hmmm they must be having a bad day, now it's a wow, what did I do to deserve that, and then I spend the rest of my time trying to figure out what I did, how I got there and where to go next. Most of all, I wish those around me could understand why I magnify every thing that happens in my life, I may not have a tomorrow, I have to relish today, so the highs are much higher and the lows are so much lower. I am sorry, but that is how it works in my world since I was told those 3 little words"you have cancer"

A perfect wedding

The wedding was everything it's supposed to be. I can't tell you how proud I am of my daughter, Sarah and new son in law Josh. The love between the two of them was overwhelmingly evident. I am so glad I got to witness their marriage. It has been a weekend filled with highs and lows. I gained a son in law, my in laws left for home and my brother and sister in law left for home. So as I said it has been filled with many high and lows. I miss my in laws something fierce and my brother and sister in law too. I didn't get near enough time with my brother and sister in law Phyllis. Today has been a day of sadness and happiness. The words I remember the most from the wedding that let me know my daughter was marrying the man of her dreams was right before the ceremony when I was sure she was going to lose it and she said "I just need to be able to see Josh, if I can just see him, I will be ok" Those words let me know that my daughter knew the same kind of love that I know from Norm and I feel from Norm, somedays I just know I will be ok if I can just see Norm, so my daughter echoed to me what I know is true love. Another unforgettable moment was when I asked Josh if he would walk me to my seat as he went to the front to wait for Sarah, I told him I loved him, and he would be just fine as we walked, and then we both just lost it as he walked me to my seat. I managed to control my sobbing before the ceremony began, only by telling myself I would surely ruin the whole ceremony with my blubbering mess. I learned that day, how dear I am to Josh.

If you get the chance to dance, I hope you'll dance... how many times have you seen that on a sign? Well I have a confession to make, before my daughters wedding, I had never danced, but on her wedding day, I chose to dance... with my husband Norm, with my son in law Josh, with my son Eric, with my son KJ, and with my 8 year old grandson.

I lost the bet as Norm didn't cry. I was sure he would as he proudly walked Sarah down the aisle, but you couldn't have wiped the smile off of his face, showing how proud he was to get the honor to walk her down the aisle.

I know tomorrow is going to be so lonely, no more decorations to make, no more in laws to hang out with, no plans, it's gonna be tough going back to an ordinary day.. but I am so thankful God allowed me to be here to witness and be part of a wonderful day for my daughter and new son in law. I can't remember the last time, I was surounded by so much family. I am blessed.

I am sure there will be many more pictures to follow but here are a couple from the wedding showing obviously Sarah and Josh, and then one of me, Norm, and all 5 of our grandkids, and a picture of me with my brother and sisters. You can click on each one for a larger image.

cancer was gone for the wedding day. I wish there could be a wedding every day.

Overwhelmed is the word for the day

It is suddenly occuring to me that at 11 pm at night, that I am overwhelmed with what is about to occur in two days. My baby girl is getting married, WOW my baby girl is getting married. There has been tons of preparations and it has kept me super busy and it's just starting. I am going to have a ton of family around this weekend and I can't wait to see them all. My brother and sister in law is flying in tomorrow, my sister debbie is making tons of flowers for the wedding and it is just amazing how this is all coming together, and did I mention my baby girl is getting married??? Thank GOD, my pain has pretty much subsided, I think it was the magic chalk called barium trying to hang out in my body, and had me pretty worried that there was going to be problems but hopefully, please god, the pain is gone and stays gone, there just isn't time for pain. Cancer has to go way on the back burner or perhaps out the back door for the next couple of days. These are the times of life to be most thankful for, a wedding , a huge family celebration and life itself. WOW, overwhelming... this is the day, I have wondered most if I would be here for, have asked for my seat to be left open with my corsage in my seat if i wasnt here and guess what? I am here!! Life is so good....and to finish this post off, in my true personality I say, Norm WILL cry at the wedding, I guarantee it:P
Thank you God for making this day possible for my daughter, for my family, for my husband, and for me.

Ya ya, I know a second post in the same day but

I promised I would show you all what I made Sarah for her bridal shower. Kristi, my daughter in law came over and helped. It's a towel cake. I never thought I had any more creativeness in me besides candles, but I found out I did.

CT scan.... miracles still happen

We got the results of my ct scan yesterday actually, Norm surprisingly called me up and told me I could relax, I was like huh? He had decided to go to the hospital yesterday afternoon and see if the results were ready and they were. My tumors continue to shrink with the largest being 30 millimeters by 34 millimeters. This is fantastic news! The slightly down side was they are seeing a or more than a loop in my small intestine filled with fluid and some fluid in my right pelvis. My Dr's office says it's nothing to worry about although I have googled it and it could be from scar tissue, building up into a blockage or part of my colon dying out if it becomes strangulated. So for now we will just watch it. I had one of my horrible tail bone pain attacks today. The pain seems to come out of nowhere and it rates a 100 on the 1-10 scale, thankfully, a pain pill, my warmed up debbie pillow and it went away. I can't imagine if it didn't go away. It is the worst pain I have ever had when I get one of these tail bone episodes and they seem to happen about every few weeks. I have read that it could be a presacral tumor, but have no desire to find out if I have even more cancer in my body. The pain subsided but left behind some right side pain almost feeling as though it was in my pelvic bone that is still there. I pray this just goes away and am thankful for the continued shrinkage of my liver tumors. Also, the only place they see tumors is in my liver still so that is a miracle in itself and they now are measuring them in millimeters so I take that as a good thing as they get smaller.

We had the wedding rehearsal tonite, and while I am nervous and excited, I can definitely see Norm is going to be a nut case. He is walking Sarah down the aisle and couldn't be prouder. She is for all intensive purposes, his daughter, and you can see the nervousness to prove it. I fully expect for Norm to cry his eyes out as he gives "his" daughter away to be married in just 3 days.

I have been staying busy with Norm's Mom making decorations, we are about pew bowed out")
It's been a great sharing experience with her and one I am sure she and I will remember for a long time. I am honored to have my in-laws to hang out with. They are pretty special in my heart. I will miss them next week when they take their long 3 day drive back to Canada. I am so glad we have had time to create even more special memories. It's no wonder Norm is the way he is, so patient and loving, it's obvious he gets it from his parents. I wish everyone could have parents like Norm's, and actually I do too with them, so I am pretty lucky in life.

I got the pink Daffodils through brecks.com but I have bought them before at menards. I love any daffodils but pink ones are so awesome and you can get them in a zillion different types all in pink.

A update

Well you all are right but it's hard to just ignore it. I wish it would just go away just like the cancer. I find myself numb most days, it helps to just be numb, stay busy and not find time to think about things. It's gonna be really lonely when Norm's parents leave a couple days after Sarahs wedding. I love them so much, and I believe they think of me as their daughter, it's nice to have a Mom again, since I lost mine when I was so young. She is always just taking care of me, doing the cooking which is wonderful and cleaning up. It's a great feeling, and I am glad Norm shares both his parents with me.

I have a scan on Monday, it's scary because with the weddding we had to postpone chemo and then it got postponed again since my Dr is out so I will be about 2 weeks late from when I usually I have chemo....so if the scan is bad, that's two weeks I wait until I talk to my Dr, on the other hand if the scan is good, then it's a welcome break from chemo and a chance for my low blood counts to recover. I thought about postponing the ct scan until the following week but Norm feels like it will be good news and we should go ahead with it so please send up some great ct scan results with shrinkage or at least no new growth or, a huh? what cancer would be awesome:)

My sister Debbie's birthday is tomorrow, and just like last year she is spending it working on stuff for me. Last year we spent her birthday at Mayo getting the shock of our lives, and this year she is starting her birthday off with a benefit planning party with the bloomington gang. I got her pink daffodil bulbs for her birthday, I want her to look at them each year and smile and think of the wonderful times we have had, kinda selfish since they are my favorite flower, but shes the one born with a greeen thumb and I wanted to get her something that would make hr smile. She's pretty incredible, when i asked her why she was using another birthday on me, she said, what else would i be doing anyways.... Thank You God for my sister Debbie, and for my whole family, how would I ever get through this without them? People tell me I am strong for going thru this, I tell them, no it's just what you do, I realize it is my family that helps me to get thru it along with some special friends. Thank You God for the great ones in my life. Take time to thank the great ones in your life, life is way too short not to thank the great ones.

Blog Counters

I have this nifty little blog counter here, it shows location of visitors, when they visit, how often they visit, all kinds of fun information. Back in May, I had a MAJOR heartache, well with the cool technology of this little blog counter, I have realized that this person is still tracking my every move, waiting by the side of the road, waiting like a vulture..... so to YOU, A.N., why don't you go away and leave me alone, ya the internet doesn't belong to me, but my blog does, it's none of your business, you caused enough back in May and still continue to ruin my day with thoughts of what you did, I write on here to keep people that care about me up to date, I write because it's good for my soul, it's something to pass on when I am gone, I DON"T write on here to keep you up to date, to let you try to figure how long til you can dive in or to give you one bit of information about me, you have ruined my life with you actions, can you go away now? Subscribe to the paper, my obituary will show up one day but stay the hell away from my blog, after what you did, you have no rights to take this away from me!!!!! You hurt me then, and have every day since and will until the day I die, isn't that enough? cancer and what you have done have did enough to me, I don't need to see your IP show up on my blog to finish my already ruined day off.

To the rest of you who genuinely care, I am sorry to have to post such crap here, but once again I am not posting because this vulture will not go away..... if any of you know a way to block a ip or several, please let me know, this was such a great way to keep everyone up to date, and to write down my feelings.. damn it that I had to use this space on this page for more wasted time.

back to fighting it one day at a time

This has been a tough round of chemo. It has been really emotionally draining on me this time. I have 4 extra house guests so that has added more stress. My younger son and girlfriend are staying here for a bit and my mother and father in law are here for a month. So all combined has taken it's toll. I love having people around, it's nice to be able to spend time with my son, and with the inlaws, it's just a different routine and I think I tend to overdue everything. It's so hard to remember I am not the same person I was a year ago. Sarah will be getting married in just over two weeks, and to top everything off, I have decided to start running a fever and am having some right sided chest pains this time, along with feeling like I have been drug down the road by a chain, just tired. It's nice sometimes just to have hubby cuddle me and tell me it will be alright and with the houseguests and flurry of activity, those times have been far and few between lately.

Also am really stressing about this Dr saying the words decision point, stress before ct scan. Reading too many blogs from others that have either colon cancer, lost someone of colon cancer, are at different stages of the disease. This disease has made me a hypochondriac. every pain or ache, I wonder if it is cancer rearing it's ugly head. I am scared for my blood counts as they were so low going into chemo.
I just wanna be me again, and these days it's hard, if not impossible. I m so afraid I am going to steal my daughters thunder and have some major medical whatever near her wedding.

Sometimes it even feels like those around me are telling me to give up, i know that sounds bad, and i know they don't mean it that way, but sometimes now when i say i can't do this anymore, i am replied with i know and you dont have to do it anymore. I know they just see what i go thru, but i still need my cheering squad telling me i can do this, because in my crazy mind i think they are tired of dealing with me and looking for their own piece of solace.

I read somes stories and feel guilty for complaining, it could be so much worse, then i remember that one day it will be so much worse and pray it's not anytime soon, actually not ever, then i get pushed back into reality and know that day will come...and hate it even more. I just dont feel like i am getting options like i see others getting and its so hard to be still when its your life your dealing with. all i can really do is put it in the lords hands and as barb said one day, give it to the lord, he's up all night anyways. I know it is prayers that have carried me thru and will continue to carry me.

Thank you all for your kind words, they mean the world to me