This has been a tough round of chemo. It has been really emotionally draining on me this time. I have 4 extra house guests so that has added more stress. My younger son and girlfriend are staying here for a bit and my mother and father in law are here for a month. So all combined has taken it's toll. I love having people around, it's nice to be able to spend time with my son, and with the inlaws, it's just a different routine and I think I tend to overdue everything. It's so hard to remember I am not the same person I was a year ago. Sarah will be getting married in just over two weeks, and to top everything off, I have decided to start running a fever and am having some right sided chest pains this time, along with feeling like I have been drug down the road by a chain, just tired. It's nice sometimes just to have hubby cuddle me and tell me it will be alright and with the houseguests and flurry of activity, those times have been far and few between lately.
Also am really stressing about this Dr saying the words decision point, stress before ct scan. Reading too many blogs from others that have either colon cancer, lost someone of colon cancer, are at different stages of the disease. This disease has made me a hypochondriac. every pain or ache, I wonder if it is cancer rearing it's ugly head. I am scared for my blood counts as they were so low going into chemo.
I just wanna be me again, and these days it's hard, if not impossible. I m so afraid I am going to steal my daughters thunder and have some major medical whatever near her wedding.
Sometimes it even feels like those around me are telling me to give up, i know that sounds bad, and i know they don't mean it that way, but sometimes now when i say i can't do this anymore, i am replied with i know and you dont have to do it anymore. I know they just see what i go thru, but i still need my cheering squad telling me i can do this, because in my crazy mind i think they are tired of dealing with me and looking for their own piece of solace.
I read somes stories and feel guilty for complaining, it could be so much worse, then i remember that one day it will be so much worse and pray it's not anytime soon, actually not ever, then i get pushed back into reality and know that day will come...and hate it even more. I just dont feel like i am getting options like i see others getting and its so hard to be still when its your life your dealing with. all i can really do is put it in the lords hands and as barb said one day, give it to the lord, he's up all night anyways. I know it is prayers that have carried me thru and will continue to carry me.
Thank you all for your kind words, they mean the world to me
Psychic Kids
14 years ago
5 comments:
When you have faith, and the world weighs heavily on your shoulder, you are not alone -- God is there to help you along and you can lean on him. I am glad to see that you can make use of this crutch, the prayer, to make it easier for you. Think of how hard it would be if there was no one to pray to.
Do not worry about the upcoming wedding day. It seems like a big day, but it really is just one day of the rest of her life, and whether you're there or away with a medical emergency, she will get married and live happily ever after even if she misses you or worries about your well-being. Tell her that she needs to go on to make this her day no matter if you can be there for her or not -- it will make you both feel better if there is a plan. And then pray, and watch yourself having a ball at her wedding, and feel silly about worrying about nothing.
And tomorrow will surely be a better day.
-- the lounge queen
Tami, Keep fighting - don't let this get you down. I know you have the power and compassion to beat this nasty beast called cancer. Take a deep breath, exhale and then keep swinging.
Your family and friends are here for you. Sending extra prayers to you.
Tami,
I am at a lost for words. I guess I will say Ditto on what Lounge Queen said
Love Ya
Deb
Oh Tami ... I have been so bad about posting ... you have been in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I would have caught you today, but after reading your post I can understand why - extra people and I imagine you are busy. Hope you got my message on your answering machine ... wanted to chit chat a bit with you, but I will after your company leaves. Has Norm's mom done any good cooking yet???
I cannot begin to imagine the pressure you are under and the daily fear and sorrow you and your family feels. I pray for peace for your mind and soul and putting it in God's hands is the best we can do. I am glad he is up all night 'cause I am too!
God Bless YOU and give you strength to enjoy all this month has in store ... your guests and the wedding (I want details!).
Live Strong Tami!
:)
Nanc
Carry on. It is not easy. But it is what we have to do - only we do not have to do it alone.
- inspired by Maya Angelou
Love ya.
Jackie
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