Today I am cancer

Today I am just cancer, just a science experiment. I want to quit chemo so bad, maybe I wont have to quit, maybe it will just quit me. I can hardly enertain the idea of taking the poison pills tomorrow, I feel like shit today. I am nautious, feel feverish and my body aches. I dont want to do this anymore, today i feel like what difference does it make, i am dying of cancer, who cares when it is, why prolong the inevitable?????????????????? My dr said we will be at a "decision point" next visit, what does that mean anyway? i askd him that and he said we are always at a decision point after a ct scan, i think he means more, but wont say it, This is a pretty damned expensive science experiment and i am tired of being the center of it, my blood counts are lower than ever, but hey no problem, give her more chemo, i feel like noone really cares, nor understands the world i live in 24 hours a day, cancer is becoming me again and i hate it, if it is true that this is just the beginning and eternal life is forever, why am i fighting so hard to be here? im so tired of worrying about what i can eat and what i cant having so many cant eat thats, gotta eat this instead, this isn't fun in the least. i hate these damn pills and i hate ct scans and i now hate decision points, i hate lists that i make full of possiblities to take to the dr just to be told no, no no, that is only for your liver... it says even though we only see cncer in your liver we know you are consumed with it, so we suck your insurance money dry for the same result if you hadn't spent a dime, death from cancer. off to take pills to put me into a temporary 2 hour sleep, just to have that 5 seconds when i wake up and dont know i have cancer, then 2 hours of trying to go back to sleep knowing i have cancer, this can't be what life is about, it cant be............