My legacy is my kids and the things in life you don't want to pass along

It's not easy being me. I don't have a lot of "things" I have never really been a thing collector. I have 4 kids, so I guess I collected kids. I always wanted more kids, but the ex didn't so I got my tubes tied and then had a hysterectomy as soon as I started having problems for fear of getting cancer. Otherwise I guarantee I would have had more kids when I met Norm. Norm has been a wonderful father to my kids through the years, and an even better grandpa to our grandkids.

I think the thing that hurts me the most about cancer and it is just occuring to me is the legacy I leave to my kids and my grandkids and generations to come. I leave them with having to be extra careful and watch every sign of illness they ever get as it might be cancer. They now have two generations of cancer, my mom, and their mom, me.... This breaks my heart. I can deal with it, I am glad cancer happened to me instead of to anyone else in my family, but it hurts so bad that I have to pass on the fear of cancer to the generations to come. I have to pass on, that no matter how careful I was, how I went for yearly mammograms, had a colonoscopy at 40, had a hysterectomy at 29, that I did everything I thought I could do to make sure I didn't repeat history, I still ended up with cancer.... I HATE this. I hate passing this on, and I hate that I just realized how real the fear is. My son has had heartburn forever, and I have been on him forever to see a Dr. and he cancelled the appt. twice and got frustrated over something else and was going to cancel the 3rd appt the other day..... I called him and made him promise me he would go to the Dr. He is fine, but it made it so real that I have put the same fear of cancer into my kids as I grew up with. My son was filled with the "what if" fear.. I know the what if fear so well, I lived it for over 30 years and I can't even change it for my kids, for my grandkids, for future generations. I keep wandering if my Mom had "the fear". But I keep telling myself, but I did everything I could do to prevent myself from dying of cancer.....they say my cancer doesn't test positive for hpncc, which is a cancer gene that is passed down, but that doesn't mean my kids won't test positive for hpncc, and even if they don't, they have to live the rest of their lives with "the fear", and they have to know and wonder just like I do and everyone else does, how did this happen to me and could it happen to them? My only wish for them is to put "the fear" where it needs to be and maybe, just maybe they can live to be 105. I hope my kids are careful when it comes to their healthcare, but I also hope my kids can learn to live without "the fear" controlling their lives the way I realize it controlled mine. Cancer teaches me a new lesson every day and I don't like this lesson at all.....

On the medical front, my red blood count and hematocrit are low, not low enough for my Dr to do anyhing about for now though. My white blood count and platelets have jumped back to close to normal as they always do the week after chemo. I just need to keep the faith that everything will stay good for the next two weeks. Chemo is getting tough, or maybe it is the blood counts that are making me feel bad. I have chest weirdness, shortness of breath and am tired alot. The numbness in my hands and feet are getting worse and well my memory is not so great. I pray that I can continue to tolerate chemo, that my blood counts at least stay at a safe point and I can continue to enjoy life, one day at a time.

This whole week has been nonstop busy, Sarah wanted me to make some sort of candle favors for her wedding, so I poured votive size favors, packaged them, labeled them, decorated them and am still working on them. I am so glad to be able to do something for her wedding which is coming up in just a little over a month! I found a gorgous dress today to wear to her wedding. I am so thankful that it looks like I WILL be here for her wedding! I am passing so many milestones that the Dr's said I wouldn't and each one makes me even stronger. This is the week we have triple birthdays. My granddaughters birthday on the 15th, My grandsons birthday on the 17th and my sons birthday on the 19th. My Mother and father in law will be down from Canada in 9 days for a month. I can't wait to see them. They were here when I was diagnosed, actually they arrived while I was initially in the hospital, and I swear they have had their car ready to go since they got back, they just kept saying you know we will come down in a heartbeat, and I know they would. Last year when they were here I was on clear liquids for 18 days so I couldn't eat any of Mom's good Canadian cooking, so I can't wait until a few weeks, when she has promised me she would cook for me:)