What cancer has done for me

You know, I have been thinking all day about how it almost seems like cancer was in my future. I have rekindled relationships with family I never thought I would be able to. I have become so close to my siblings, well it makes me tear up when I think of how touched they are by my situation. They never miss a day calling me, listening to me ramble and chit chatting with me. This helps me so much. It is so nice to see that my whole world isnt cancer, it's being so fortunate. It still amazes me how so many of you I have become friends with since my blog. Brenda, Rosemary, Lounge Queen, it is so awesome of you to put yourselves out there for someone like me that you've never even met. Then I have my candle customers, now friends, all because of cancer. Barb, Jackie, Kathy, Brandie, Kim, Nancy and Laurie. You gals are amazing people, I have sold you candles for years, but never in my wildest dreams did I realize how your words would come into play to help me get thru cancer. You have become, not just my customers, but my friends. It is amazing to me how many people have reached out to us. Norms work cooking for us, the random cards, the emails... how blessed I am in this world that doesn't offer me much hope, but for what it's worth, I have learned how many people care. I remember long ago going to a counselor with my ex and he asked me who I needed in my life, I remember telling him I didnt need anyone. I could do whatever I needed all by myself. I remember thinking this will come up again in counseling and it has always stuck in my head. That is pretty much how I lived my life before cancer. I could do whatever, by myself, I could count on me, and now my world is so much different. I need all of you, You have no idea what your few words you tell me inspire me to keep going.

I have to be honest, I have thought more than once about running away and dying by myself. I don't want to put my family thru what I remember going thru with my Mom at 14. I don't want them to watch me suffer, and like I say it has crossed my mind more than once just to disapear. I have talked to my family about the whole idea. I realize now, it's not my right to take those last moments away from anyone, it's their right to be with me or to walk away, it's their choice, not mine. It's rather strange the way you learn life lessons, and especially so when faced with a no win situation such as my cancer. My husband has taken the brunt of my emotions, my illness, and my not always so kind words. I wish I could take back much of what I have said, but I can't and I know he wouldn't have it any other way. When he says he would take the pain from me if he could, I know, he really means it.

As I said before I am the luckiest girl alive, ya I have cancer that will ultimately take my life, but I also have people that have touched my heart in a way I would have never known if it weren't for this cancer. I'm glad God is giving me the extra time to experience what I have. I also know I have been a huge pain in the ass, all I can do is apologize for that and hope that everyone understands. I want to bottle up everything everyone has shown me and hang on to it. I know I can do this in my heart, and I have....