Just a update

I still feel cruddy. I now have a rash to go along with the other chemo side effects. I think I just about have all of the side effects now, did I say this is not fun? I know it's not supposed to be fun, but I really don't think I can do this chemo. I talked to the nurse this morning and they want me to hold off Chemo this week and then see the Dr next week to figure out where to go from here. I feel like I am losing hope every second of every day. I feel like I have to make them understand that their are other options for me. I research them every day, every night, I am so frustrated, feeling like I am slipping between the cracks, with noone noticing at all. Losing hope, one breath at a time, one second at a time and I can't take it.

I guess to think positive this will be a happy birthday present to me, no chemo this week, since my birthday is this weekend, but I feel like I should be going for chemo, sucking it up, doing it anyways, thats the way we fight right? Or is my vision so clouded from this cancer that I can't even see when death would be a better option than this horrible type of chemo?
I am scared, I am lonely, today, I am cancer. I hate days like this.

The benefit is coming along nicely with my sister Debbie at the reigns. While donations for the auction are booming, not many tickets have been sold. If you are planning on attending, please let us know. We need ticket sales badly. There is going to be so many nice items up for auction at the benefit and so many have spent their time recruiting donations, now we need lots of people to attend. The benefit still feels so weird, I know it is needed, I know it is needed, I know I need it, but it feels weird when your name is the one on a benefit. I guess it's no different now, you always expect it to to be the other person, you always expect to be the one helping out with a benefit, not the one benefiting from the benefit.

I think part of my family thinks I have lost my mind, maybe I have and I don't even know it. I think it's what cancer has emotionally done to me, to Tami... I wish I could just wish this away, wish it away from myself and everyone I know that is affected by cancer affecting me. If only I could just wish it away, if only I could just beat it, there I said it, but i am a realist and I know that doesn't happen to people like me. What's the saying, if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have none? Ya I know I am so blessed from everyone who cares about me to even have them in my life, but I would much rather have them in my life, living life. Going to dinner, or going shopping or just a normal conversation on the phone, just living life, that's the way it's supposed to be, and that is when I question my motivation to fight this disease when I see everything it has done to me and to so many around me. I know they wouldn't say out loud that they wish I had done it any other way, but perhaps if I had stopped fighting, they would be on their way to healing now. I hate that they still have to go through even more with me, I pray that maybe, just maybe by some small miracle that I can be the lucky one, I can be the one that gets that miracle called cure. What I would give to have normal moments again..........
Cherish your life, Cherish your family and your friends, cherish the normal day to day things you do, you never know when something will happen and there won't be a normal anymore and you will miss the stupid little normal things you complain about. Make Memories with those around you.... do it now while you still can. I was just living life when something came into my life that made normal obsolete.. it is called cancer