Current ramblings

My little granddaughter McKayla was pretty sick from the stomach flu, sick enough to require being put in the hospital for fluids. Thankfully, praise God, she is at home now and doing much better. She is the sweetest little angel and I am thankful she is doing much better. It's tough to see a little one down and out. I didn't get to go see her, but talked to her and she sounded sooooo sick. Yesterday her requests from us were red and purple gatorade and blue popsicles, of coarse we obliged:) We kept little brother Korban while sissy was in the hospital, what a sweetheart he is. I feel so horrible that we have not gotten to have near as many nights at NaNa's as we used to. I hope we can improve on this. We used to keep the kids at least once a month overnight and that just hasn't happened since I have been sick. It actually made me feel better and took my mind off of my own sickness having Korban here. 3 years olds say the cutest things.

This has been a trying last couple of weeks for me emotionally as well as physically. I keep trying to pray to God everytime I feel scared, which is helping alot. I can't seem to get a good nights rest anymore, no matter how much medicine I take, I really think this is causing alot of my problems as my body and my mind need rest. I am to the point of almost having panic attacks, perhaps it is too much medicine in my body. I am going to talk to the Dr about a sleeping pill, perhaps that is my answer. I seem to spend all day trying to get the sleep I didn't get the night before and using various pain meds and crazy pills to accomplish this and it just isn't working.

My family continues to be here for me. This is so tough on them, please pray for peace for them as well. All of the kids will be here later for a small birthday celebration. I don't get to see the kids nearly as much as I want, so this will be a welcome day hanging out with all of them.

I am scared about Chicago next week, scared of what the Dr may say. I still am not sure if I can do this new chemo. I wonder if I didn't get a bit of the stomach flu and perhaps that is what made the week so bad physically rather than the chemo, so I am not sure if we will restart this chemo or what.

We continue to look at other options cautiously, we don't want to rush into something, like we did with surgery only to have it be the wrong choice. We are going to send my scans, etc to a Dr in North Carolina and also plan to look further into hipecc, the heated chemo for my omentum. I realize I give up way too easily and when I want something, I want it now, thankfully Norm grounds me to look at the whole picture, thank God. We know we have a great Dr in Chicago, but want all of the options we can get, but we need to understand them. As Norm, said of coarse we can find someone to do whatever, if we look long enough, but we need to make sure, since the surgery turned out to be not the best idea. Although I know I had to have the colon tumor removed, as Norm pointed out, they could have did the hipec then at the same time as my surgery.

So, I am asking for lots of prayers for our visit in Chicago this weekend. I am not sure which way our journey is headed and am extra scared. Hotel rooms are crazy up there right now with the holidays and so we will be going up and coming right back home the same day. It is tough to get chemo and endure the drive home, but money is tight enough and rooms are high enough that I am just going to have to endure the ride.

I want to really acknowledge how tough this journey is on Norm. He doesn't get a break from it except to go to work and we all know that isn't a break. Some days, well more days than not, he is my lifeline, I look to him for love, encouragement and hope. Some days, he is able to handle it, and some days he isn't. I dont give him near enough credit for hanging in there with me. I am glad he is my life partner and I love him so very much. I put way too much on his plate and expect way too much from him. I expect him to figure out the answers for me, and as we have learned, sometimes the answers just aren't there and I need to use patience, look to God and know he solves everything in his time, not in mine.

After rereading this post, I realize I need to talk with God alot more, that he can and will help me get through these seemingly impossible emotional times, and I need to thank God alot more for all of the blessings he has given me in my life.

I also realize that I have made blossom, my littlest dachshund spoiled rotten. Where I go, so does she. The other night when I was having a emotional breakdown, I sat in the floor and just cried, and in between my legs sat my little precious blossom. She just wants to be with her mommy, so I carry her everywhere I go, I do mean everywhere, she crys if she is not on my lap constantly, and yes she is on my lap right now, when I get up, so does she. the poor dog must be wore out!