9 weeks

Well for those of you suggesting it, or that have mentioned it, I have been going to a group, going on 4 weeks now. The jury is still out on it, I mean its nice cuz I know on Mondays I have something to do, somewhere to go and I will be around people that understand better than anyone around me right now. In fact based on that I have scheduled things for myself to do thru the week. I have been going out to Weldon Springs and walking around that twice, I am trying to get to Stick & Puck twice a week (Stick & Puck is open ice hockey). Fridays I go to lunch at Bandana's, this week I had a friend come along which was nice, and the girls at Bandana's finished my order when I hesitated so they are getting to know me. Saturday night is movie night, I go out and find something for dinner and hit the theaters and pick a move. Those and other little things keep me focused on what's coming up instead of what's past.

So the group has given me that, The person that runs the group should be nicknamed Barbara Walters as she knows just what to ask to make ya choke on your words, which is probably what I need, she knows the right questions to ask. I guess my problems with the group so far is it has made me reflect on some things going on right now and some of those thoughts and actions scare me a little. They scare me because there are people that have taken those thoughts and actions farther than I have. So you might say that this is a good thing, but it hasn't resolved these things in my head.

I miss my original vent person. I could always come home from work and talk to Tami, or I would have an insecurity about being a step-father and talk to Tami, I always had Tami to talk to, then when she was sick it was harder to do, most things going on in my world outside Tami's battle seemed far less important. Even so, someone else stepped up and let me vent to them, but since Tami's passing have pulled back from that a lot, and I know everyone has to deal with this in their own way but it's tough because somedays I feel like I lost more than just Tami. That's not to say others haven't reached out and I haven't been the best of accepting that, well lets be honest I have flat out ignored or avoided some just cuz I cant deal with talking about Tami to some, I feel bad about that but you get a comfort level with some people and others it's tough to try and get there with.

I guess the bottom line is I am lonely, some of it self imposed, some of it thrust upon me. There is a line in a song "A crowded street can be a quiet place when you're walking alone". That line hits the nail on the head, there are times I feel more alone in a crowd than I do in this house by myself.

So what do I do about it? I am gonna pay a few bills, go mow the lawn, get ready for movie night and try not thinking about ways I could be with Tami sooner.

3 Doors Down - It's the Only One You've Got