Incredibly busy day today, hardly time to think about much of anything, of course its always there. It doesn't matter what I do or where I go, it always is accompanied by a memory, from fun ones, to the most mundane. It's a weird experience, I dont know that I could justify the feeling with words, its not just like thinking of something or a memory, I dont know, I did so much with Tami, and very little without her, I mean seriously, when I wasn't with Tami I was probably at home or out with Sarah.
I mean really, Wednesday I went to a Praire Thunder hockey game with my parents, and Sarah and Josh were there as well. When they did there little opening show and announced the starting line up I got a rush of emotions and I could have broke down if I let meself, but being Canadian the only time I should cry over hockey is when the Vancouver Canucks finally win the Stanely Cup. Me and Tami went to so many games, we were both excited to have a team, we bought jerseys, she bought a white home one and I bought a dark away jersey. She got hers signed by all the players at the time. We had fun.
So I have yet to find a place that I dont get this vibe/feeling/whatever from. I am not really complaining but its sort of uncontrolled and I dont generally like uncontrolled things. The only thing bad about this feeling is I have yet to stop it from leading to thinking about Tami's last few days, I cant shake that. I have alot of guilt about that, and its mine to have and deal with, but it bothers me still, and it takes away from the moment.
I'm also bothered by the fact that I, and be prepared for my geekiness to shine thru now, that I cant remember dreams these days, or that I haven't gotten some sort of sign that Tami is ok now. I read and watch so much on events like this that I was hoping to have an experience myself, just something small or subtle. But it bothers me that I haven't remembered a dream since Tami passed. In one of her journal entries she said that she would let me know she is ok, even if it were in a dream. I know, sounds crazy or far fetched, chances are though she gave me a sign and I probably missed it, and no dount its added to my list of things to answer for in the end.
We had a nice dinner at Tami's sister Sherry's house, with her husband Dan, and Debbie and Mike there as well. It felt weird being there without Tami, and I was even feeling a little guilty, like I shouldn't have been there, that she should have instead, like I was robbing her of something. But I know that's not the case.
Anyways, writting is just another way to stall bedtime, so I better head out now.
Psychic Kids
14 years ago
5 comments:
Oh Norm!
I too, waited for a sign, anything, because I never got to say goodbye. And yes guilt too. That is our minds working overtime. And then I read something that a sign is where you see it. A song comes on the radio, a fish leaping out of the water (husband was a huge fisherman), things like that. And I did find that. Our song came on the radio quite often when I was thinking about him. On the drives home a pretty cloud would be right above my windshield. Look for those things - you will find them.
The dreams also, I could not remember any because I had a lot of trouble sleeping.
You are doing ok my friend.
Hugs,
Marie
I found that the dreams become more vivid (and more kafka-esque) with time.
I am guessing that the more you are at peace, the more Tami will be at peace.
-- the lounge queen
Norm,
I found your blog through Shawndra Turner's blog. I am so sorry that your family, too, is mourning the loss of a tough and beautiful woman. I haven't had a chance to read through all of Tami's entries, but boy, what a fighter she was. What a spirit!
Please know that you will be kept in our thoughts and prayers. You have a new friend in blogland.
Sending many hugs and my best wishes as you learn to navigate life without Tami,
jg in ca
Norm: I don't know if you listen to country music but Alan Jackson has a really pretty song out right now. listen for it. It describes Tami perfectly. it is called Sissy's Song. I know you would like it. hope the grieving get easier with time....Barb and Dale
Norm, I want you to know first and formest what you are experincing is so normal. I really believe that the sign Tami will show you you'll kno. Her last week of life was very hard I know. You have nothing to feel gilty about. You did a wonderful job caring for your Tami till her lsat breath was taken. She loved you and those kids and her sisters and gradkids so much. Yhe last monday i was with her I knew her suffering was about over. She touched so many lives in such a positive way and i truly believe she introduced Jesus to many people. She was a true insperation. My heart aches for you and this saddness. But it is normal Norm. you will get beter it will take time and you will start remembering a helthy T ami and great memeories. Her cancer totaly sucked but those memories will fade and you will be able to buy a movie and smile. i hated seeing her in pain and the best part now is she isnt. You must tell yourself and believe she is pain free and singing with the birds in heaven. She is now your guardian angel and Norm it will be ok. Dont be hard on yourself. Remeber she told me many times how much she loved you and knew you loved her. Smile about that. You have my cell number call me if you need a tami buddy to talk to. Her sisters are there and always will be. Jan is also so available for you and the kids. Tami really liked her .anyway thank you for keeping the blog going. Im not quite ready to stop reading tamis blog god bless you norm
Lizzie
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