The holidays... they suck rocks

I love Christmas, love love love it, I know people bitch about the costs, the busy stores, the cold weather, etc, but I love it... I love putting up lights, the tree decorations, making cookies with the kids, all of it. But this year its a little tougher, the Christmas movies with the sappy moments are impossible for me to watch right now, I can only do a little bit at a time, its hard to dress up the house for me a couple dogs and a cat.

I think I have pushed myself pretty hard to move forward, and its all rushing back on me now. I think I stepped places I wasn't ready to step yet, but I am always pushing myself harder than I should, putting higher expectations up for myself than I do others. I am trying to pull the reins in a little and focus on myself, something I am not good at, its tough cuz I dont think everyone gets that, I mean get the token "I lost someone too, I know what its like" but really I dont know how it is for them, they dont know how it is for me.

Thanksgiving went well, better than I expected, I managed to make Tami's stuffing, it was a little too moist and over seasoned, but I saw people go back for seconds, whether they were pitty seconds I dont know, I doubt it though. Everything went well though. I had a good time, I think the kids did as well. I got to hold 2 babies at once while everyone else ate, 2 babies that Nana never got to old, and I feel horribly guilty about that... and I hope nobody saw my eyes get a little juicy, I moved alot so I dont think anyone noticed...

I started Christmas shopping, each year it seems we gain more grandbabies, and each year money is spread a little thinner, this year doubly so, I'm not complaining, besides the fact I would like to buy everyone everything they want, but I am thinking I will have to be pretty skimpy, I know its not the amount you buy or spend, but I always like watching the kids open up presents, and the more they have to open the longer they stay at the house...

I still dont know how I am gonna make it thru the next couple months, sometimes I feel like I am having trouble breathing, I can feel myself stressed beyond belief, I stop communicating mid conversation just cuz I ball up on the couch, and they get mad at me, but there is nothing I can do, I gotta do what I gotta do or I wont make it through Christmas Eve alone... New years Eve alone, I have to, I have to do this year alone so maybe next year I can do them with someone...

PS, if you noticed you have to log in to leave a comment now, sorry but someone was hitting older posts with spam so I had to do it.