“I don’t want to chase living and not live.”

Ok, I know, its too soon for another post, 2 in one day, you all are going to fall out of your chairs. I have to say though the last one left a bad taste in my mouth, and I dont want it to put out there a wrong message to anyone, specially Tami when she reads it. The "throw in the towel" comment is bothering me real bad, because I haven't given up in my heart yet, and I dont think I will be capable of ever doing that even though some say eventually you have to.

I still think that we will be able to do something, that Tami will get this fluid drained, get home, feel better, get strong enough for the next task. It's Tami's fault I think that, because she is tougher than I could ever be, and I feel like she gets down, and comes back twice as hard. But now we are dealing with things that make me feel like we are giving up, and things like not planning the next treatment, or looking at Home Healthcare/Hospice, or even telling my parents that they should come down. All those things feel like I am giving up.

In the same sense, having seen everything Tami has done, and I dont think anyone can truly say they know everything she has been thru fighting this crappy shit. All those things, and I cant begin to imagine putting her thru anymore, but I cant just say its time to accept things as they are.

The title of this post is from Patrick Swayze, he made that statement on his Barbara Walters special a few weeks ago. Now I thought before watching that we would see this pampered star, with all his "people" running around taking care of him and living the good life even with the worst disease. But as he explained the things he has endured, and the chemos he has been on, and it all mirrored what Tami has done, I felt bad for thinking anyone is immune to what the beast can do to someone.

So we aren't giving up so much as we are choosing to live and not chase life, we have done so much chasing that I regret every moment of time that it has taken from us as much as any decision made that in hindsight should have been different or re-thought.

So we aren't giving up, but choosing to live a little more instead of chasing life so hard. I hope this makes sense to everyone. Ultimately Tami tells me what she can and cant do, and I stand behind her and hold her up as much as I can.

Tami had another 2000cc drained from her as they put in a semi-permanent drain (for those keeping score that is almost 2 two liter bottles of pop since yesterday). She was getting sick to her stomach some this morning which has me worried, she should get to come home tonight or tomorrow though. I am so selfish, but I am very much looking forward to her coming back home, cuz the house sucks without her in it.