To do or not to do....

I have yet to decide what is harder, doing things I used to do with Tami without her, or doing new things that I never did with Tami. They both have their positives and negatives. Today I went to the NHRA races up in Joliet with Debbie and Mike, I hadn't been to this type of racing since I was probably 19ish, and I never went with Tami. It was pretty fun, and good racing, of course it just seems weird not having Tami there, things happen and you just know what Tami would say or do. Or what we would have done during the race might have been different had she been there.

Or like movies, I guess I started movie night, one to get out on my own, but also because it was never something Tami really cared to do, she liked movies, but was not real big on going and sitting in a theatre for 2 hours.

Doin things that me and Tami would do, well that is a whole other thing. I guess the bets way to describe this would be like trying to do something with only one arm. It doesn't feel natural, and you really miss that other part of you. That is probably the best way I can describe it, I have lost a part of me and doing things doesn't feel natural not to mention the guilt of doing things, OMG the guilt....

I cant tell you how guilty I felt holding that little baby on Tuesday knowing that Tami wasn't here to hold her. I know what everyone will say but the truth is I feel guilt and regret for so many things, I mean even as far back as when we first started talking. It's crazy, I know its crazy for the most part, but its a very real and somewhat deabilitating feeling. I can drive myself into a ball curled up on the couch with those thoughts somedays.

Anyways.. was an ok weekend, all be it rough at times, but then I dont think I have had a week go by yet that didn't have some bumps, and I dont forsee any coming up that wont have any.