The ups and downs of life

My friend Liz whom I worked with for many years passed away yesterday. I hadn't seen her in years and one day when I went into the cancer center to get unhooked from my pump, she was there. I am glad I got to talk with her again. She fought to the very end, and was very much aware when she passed away early yesterday morning. She didn't want to suffer at the end, and she didn't want to be alone when she passed, and she wasn't. You've earned your wings Liz. Liz told me a few weeks ago to be strong and to fight it, and that is what she did, she fought this bastard known as cancer for as long as she could. I will miss chatting with her, it always helped to have someone else who was going thru the same thing to talk to. I will miss her but know she is pain free, hanging out in heaven.

I spoke to the nurse from Chicago yesterday to make sure I had everything I needed for my appt. in January. I don't hold much hope for a surgery decision after talking to her, who knows maybe it is just a wasted trip to even go up there, but hopefully we will get at the least a 3rd take on my ct scans and just how much cancer is in my body. She said rarely does chemo make cancer go away, so there probably is multiple tumors on my liver as Mayo has indicated. I can only hope there isn't, that's all I have left is hope. I know with God, anything is possible. I have tried to replace fear with faith, because I know with God all things are possible.

We found "the" dress and a wonderful holiday plus more

Wow, it has been a exciting week! First of all, me and Sarah went yesterday and she found "the" dress. She lit up as she tried on this dress, she said it made her feel so happy. I knew even though she tried on more dresses before and after "the" dress, that she had found the perfect dress. She looks just like a princess, which is the meaning of the name Sarah. She is going to be the most beautiful bride ever!

Christmas was amazing this year, there wasn't tons of presents as in years past but everyone just enjoyed the company and it was wonderful. With all the cancer expenses and me not working, we just didn't have the money for lots of gifts. I made each of my kids a fleece knot blanket and they loved them. It wasn't much but I wanted something homemade to give to my kids that would wrap them in warmth and memories. My sweet daughter in law Kristi took on the task of making scrapbooks for each of the kids filled with pictures from when they were little. I am sure it was overwhelming for her to go thru all of the old pictures and separate them out. She did a amazing job and the kids LOVED them. Each time she brought me one of the completed scrapbooks, I cried. These are the things families are made of. Words can not express the gratitude I have for her taking her time to make the scrapbooks.

Yesterday, I heard from Mayo clinic's Oncologist, Dr. Chan. She said, the shrinkage they have seen from my tumors is amazing. She used the word amazing! She said things are changing so rapidly in colon cancer treatments that 6 months ago surgery would be out of the question, but today, it is not. She is going to talk to my surgeon there at Mayo and get his take on things. It is still confusing, but she continues to see shrinkage from the last scan while locally they do not, she also continues to see multiple lesions on my liver, which locally they only see the one. In any case, this is good news. She told me that she can not speak for the surgeon, they may say surgery is completely an option, or they may want to wait and continue improvement with chemo to see more progress in my liver, but she feels chemo is still continuing to shrink my tumors and they are amazed at the results I have had. So the day ended with great news!

Thank you all for your prayers, I have faith they are working, God has a very special plan for me. Please continue to pray for me.

A teeny chemo break

I was supposed to have my next round of chemo the day after Christmas. My Dr will be gone so he said I could wait and have it Dec. 31 instead or I could see the other Dr and have it as scheduled. I waivered back and forth, wondering if the cancer will grow in that 5 day break. My Daughter has a appt to look at more wedding dresses Dec 26, so I made up my mind that I would wait and usher in the new year with my chemo pump attached. I have to be there when my daughter finds "the" wedding dress. I may never see her wedding, so I have to make sure I am the first one to see her in her wedding dress. She is my baby, my princess and my special angel. She has accomplished so much in her 24 years. I am so very proud of her. I have to be there for her, I have to be there when she gets married, when she has babies, and when she just needs her Mom to turn to. Dear God, please let me be there for her, she deserves to have me in her life.

Just random thoughts

A few weeks ago I was visiting one of my favorite candle forums when I came upon a post titled " do you know someone who is dying" I left the forum. I just couldn't take the thought of me writing.. umm ya that's what the Dr's say I am doing. so I just left the forum, and haven't been back, can't take the stress

Today I went to another candle forum to find a please pray for me I have a touch of pnemonia post, and the post went on and on about woe is me, I have the flu with a touch of pnemonia, I wanted to resond so badly with ... I will happily trade you, I have stage 4 colon cancer... But I didn't.

Today a friend I used to work with Mom called me to let me know Liz is in hospice care. She has battled cancer for over a year and a half and in a few weeks time, cancer appeared on her liver and has taken over. I am so sad for her, I am so sad for me. I will probably face where she is one day. I just feel so bad for her. I cried and cried, which is usual with me these days. I then took a nap and woke up and thought, hey stupid tami. You are still on this side of living, live it up girl.

Happy Holidays everyone

Wow! It seems that I have quite a few followers on my blog. Thank you all so very much. I hope each of you will take my experience and use it in your own life to live life to it's fullest. This is the busy time of year, but please don't forget to celebrate the real reason for the season.

I keep hearing this jingle on the tv, it is a commercial of some kind, but I pick up two words from it, ordinary miracle.... As I look backwards, I have had so many ordinary miracles in my life, and even in the last several months. This is what keeps me believing that a miracle can happen at any moment, and it is what keeps my hope up. I am so thankful for my family and friends. I never stopped to realize how lucky I have them in my life. If it were not for cancer slowing me down, I would have never realized the "ordinary" miracles happening in my life.

I am terrified but yet, nervously excited about going to Chicago next month for another opinion from a surgeon. They could open alot of doors for me, or they could slam them all shut. I suppose it is what it is, but there is still room to hope for them opening many doors for me.

I know if they cured me, I would always be thankful for the "ordinary miracles" in my life. Humans are amazing, it is unfortunate that it takes a life changing event before I even realized just how much I have to be thankful for, please don't let it take a life changing event before you stop to realize how many "ordinary" miracles you have.

Grubbyland Candles WONDERFUL news

I was able to post the following to my business website. I cannot express in words how happy I am that my business will carry on. My sister Sherry has been training hard in how to make everything. I am so proud of her. This has been needed even without my cancer. My business has continued to grow throughout the years and I wondered how I could possibly keep up with the growth even before cancer, so this is the best thing that could happen. I will continue to be involved in the business as I can.


Great NEWS!
It is with great pleasure that I announce that GrubbyLand Candles will reopen for business beginning in January! My wonderful sister has agreed to join with me in keeping GrubbyLand Candles the wonderful business it has always been while I continue to battle cancer.

Many of you know my daughter Sarah, she will be our main party gal, however we are looking for one more ambitious sales representative. If you are interested please send me a email.

This is wonderful news for our business as well as our customers. The same high quality products you have experienced at Grubbyland will continue. I am thrilled with the additon of my sister to GrubbyLand Candles.

We are also beginning now to book candle parties for mid January and forward, if you want to host a party, please send me a email.

This venture will take GrubbyLand Candles to the next level and I am thrilled to be able to continue to offer our wonderful customers our products again.

7th Chemo and CT results

Well I had my 7th round of chemo yesterday. I also got the results of my ct scan. Slight shrinkage of the colon mass, no shrinkage in the liver, they made comment of a couple of things, possible blood clot or empty sac in my omentum, and a thickening in my colon wall near the tumor. Thickening could be diverticulitis, could be infection, could be from all the upset stomach I have had lately, could be who knows. hoping its not infection. Oh and they do believe there is only 1 tumor on my liver, way different than what Mayo says.

More importantly, my local Dr feels we are reaching the window of opportunity since the liver tumor is not shrinking anymore. He wants me to see a surgeon in January to see if 1- I am a candidate for resection of my liver, 2- may ever be a candidate for surgery 3- will never be a candidate for resection. This could be great news, it could be horrible news. But I said I would like options, and it looks like he has the same need to see if I have options. Obviously Mayo is seeing my CT scans different and I am not sure why or what to do, but we are going to call Mayo and send up my latest scan and ask it be reviewed by the surgeon at Mayo. besides the Oncologist up there I have been working with. My local Dr also works with a liver surgeon at Barnes in St. Louis so he is going to talk to him and we are also making a appt to go tothe university of chicago. I have been researching Univ. of Chicago and I am impressed with their credentials, I keep getting drawn to them so I am going to see what they have to say. At least we will have 3 different opinions. At the very least I have read about many procedures to get a unrestable liver to having a better chance of resectability with RFI, sir spheres, cyber knife, so we will at least be able to look at those options as well.

Well, the neuropathy in my hands is horrible and it is very hard to type with the tingling in my fingers so i will try to update more later.. sure wish they made heated keyboards:)
Thanks for all your prayers, please keep praying for these tumors to just disapear

Get in the back and be quiet

This is the way I feel today, like I am 5 again and have been told by my parents to just get in the back of the car, leave the driving to them and be quiet. This is how I feel about my life right now, it doesn't matter what I see ahead, I am just supposed to shut up. It's like my feelings don't even matter anymore. I want to find a Dr that believes I have hope, maybe I already have one, I don't even know anymore. I just wish so much that I had options, you know, like when you go to dinner, you get to pick, I don't have options on anything anymore. I get to do what I am told and that's it. My medical options... well there are no options. I get to go have more chemo tomorrow and sit back, shut up and just deal with it. Too bad, that I can still feel the chemo from last round, too bad, just too bad.

I am sorry I am always so negative in my blog. I hope to work on that one day, it's just how I feel today. I am so scared for my results tomorrow, as if it matters anyway, i don't have options, I just get to do what I am told and that's it. When or if a stranger decides I am ready for surgery, it will be "their" option, not mine. I wait for them to decide. I hate feeling so out of control literally in my life.

CT scan today

I had my ct scan as well as a chest xray and blood work today. I won't find out the results until wednesday when I go in for my 7th chemo.

I had a really good weekend, I went to look at wedding dresses with Sarah, she is going to be the most beautiful bride in the world!

Not much else on my mind today, I am so thankful for each miracle I have received and hope and pray my little miracles continue. I am tired today so off to take a nap.

Cancer can NOT control my mind

I wrote that yesterday and it worked on me the whole day. TODAY, cancer will NOT control my mind. I have spent the morning laughing with my sisters on the phone. I actually was laughing out loud after I hung up! That's what I need, more laughter. Going to work on that!

It is supposed to snow up to 4 inches here tonite, I can't wait! I love watching the snow, especially when I don't have to drive in it!

Thank you for your prayers, please keep them going.

Lord give me patience

I am just feeling depressed today. Just sick of being sick and tired of being tired. I keep telling myself to fight but somedays I just need the Lord to give me patience. All good things come to those who wait right?

Honestly, I am starting to stress over my upcoming CT scan on monday. I just want to shake somebodys shoulders and say " hey do you see me breathing here, can ya maybe just take care of the problem so I can get back to normal life, give me the scalpel and I will do my own surgery" but obviously that won't work, I don't know what will work anymore... facing your own mortality isn't ever something your ever prepared for, nor is facing the fight of your life. I want just one normal day to know what was to come back in August, I can't have that now, I can only appreciate what I have... how do you appreciate cancer??????????? I HATE CANCER, I hate how it has changed me and I suppose I need to work on allowing it to change what it can not change and that is my mind... that is why todays title is Lord give me patience.

The serenity prayer works out great too, Accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Am I just too stupid to understand that there is no cure for cancer? But life goes on and "Hope" keeps ringing thru my head. I'm never to stupid or to smart to hope. It's what lifes all about

My husband

This is so tough on him. He trys to hide it so well, but I know it is there. He gets quiet and I know "it" is on his mind. Thank God he has his job and can get away. I am so afraid of leaving him alone someday. I am his strength and he is mine. I hate putting him thru this. This isn't the way it is supposed to be, we are supposed to grow old together. I love him to his core and I hope he knows how sorry I am for putting him through this, it's just not fair. I hope everyone knows how sorry I am for putting them through this, I hate not being able to clean, cook and even work. I HATE CANCER and even worse I HATE what it is putting my family through.

I hope one day I can just be me again, no pain, no chemo, no cancer. My 2 year old grandson said the other day on the phone.. nana still sick.... this precious baby should not have to go through this... I used to keep my grandkids alot of the time, now I just can't even count on how I will feel in the next hour. I miss being with them and having fun with them. My grandkids are the love of my life.

Life just isn't fair! I always thought it would happen to the other guy, this sure does teach me how life can flip in a second. Never miss a second living!

Feeling Great

I feel great this morning. I guess this is a new great. I remember when I was dieting, it takes 21 days to make something a habit. I guess chemo has became a habit. I feel strong today. My legs feel good today. The Dr thinks my problem where my lower legs ache and just don' want to move is from they Oxylaplatin. One of the chemo drugs. I found out it actually contains platinum, no wonder it's so expensive!

My thoughts today are on Christmas. I love Christmas, Norm loves Christmas. It's always been a huge celebration with tons of gifts.. well until this year. I know the reason for the season.. but it's gonna be weird not having a tree filled with gifts for the grandkids. I know it doesn't matter, but it bothers me. I am trying to focus more on the here and now and am so happy I will be able to celebrate Jesus's birthday with my kids and grandkids, perhaps for the first time, it will be what it is supposed to be.

Kristi came over on thursday and decided to put up my small christmas tree. I was so glad, as I wasn't feeling very good. She always comes over the day after my chemo to take care of me and I just hope she knows how much I appreciate her. I hope everyone knows how much I appreciate them taking care of me, I know I am not the easiest to take care of, I know I cry too much and am probably a huge pain in the butt, but never once does anyone tell me that. Every second I am not alone I feel blessed.

Monday Dec. 10th will be my next CT scan. I am always afraid of the results but am praying for more shrinkage and some complete disapearance of tumors. I have to have complete disapearance of some tumors to get to surgery, I know with God anything is possible. Please continue to pray. I think how warped it sounds that I just want to have a surgery that could last many hours and hurt alot when I wake up from it, but that is the only way out of this cancer nightmare. Chemo only works for so long and then things grow again... so I am told. It almost scares me when I feel good today, because it makes me wonder... has the chemo stopped working already... but I know with God anything is possible

6th Chemo today

Well I thought I would update before I go for my 6th round of chemo today. I decided yesterday that I needed to pour candles, otherwise I felt like I was slipping and I hated feeling that way. This morning I woke up at my usual 4 am and am working on finishing the candles I poured yesterday. Anyone need candles? lol
Speaking of candles, my candle angels continue to amaze me by selling my candles. What a selfless, caring act, it still truly boggles my mind how caring people are... Thank you ladies for what you are doing, I don't have enough words to express my gratitude. My heat is staying on thanks to you

I am thinking about my business these days trying to decide what to do, I always thought one of my kids would take it over if something happened to me, but I have to realize it is my dream, not theirs. I have built my business up over the last 7 years and would hate to see it just go away if something happened to me. This was going to be my busiest season yet but God had other plans for me. I just hope this cancer is dying away.

I met with my surgeon again yesterday, somehow he is just not right. He told me as soon as I am ready for surgery, he will be happy to perform it. Too bad his partner told me two weeks ago that they know when to pass things on to someone with more experience, and my case is one of those. I didn't have the heart to ask Dr E yesterday, if he was joking, because I knew he was serious. If you know of a good surgeon in the Bloomington area, please let me know as I am running on empty when it comes to surgeons. Oh Dr E also told me that my port would be much better if I was heavier... too bad he didn't think of that when he put it in and choose one that fit me!

Chemo sometimes reminds me of childbirth, you almost forget what your in for until the next time. This last session has been so weird and unpredictable. My sister, Debbie even called me Cybil, because I change by the hour. One minute I feel great, and the next I feel like crap.

Off to fight this beast we call Cancer. Hubby is taking me today, this will be his first experience with me and the chemo chair, it should be interesting. My sister Sherry is basking in the Florida sun, Lucky dog!

Thank you for your prayers, please continue to pray, I know God has a plan for me, just not exactly sure what it is yet.

What a weekend

Thanksgiving was wonderful. We had all four kids and all 4 grandkids here. I had some bad right side pain but still enjoyed seeing all the kids gathered here together. I ended up going to the Dr on friday since I was still having pain and he figures I stretched my colon out and it was hurting while it went back into shape. I had lost 5 pounds too. I just can't figure out what to eat that is going to go thru me normally. I am going to call the nutrionist today and talk to her a bit more. I felt great saturday and even went shopping with Sarah. We had a great time and it felt like old times! Yesterday, Sarah came down and we went to church and then hung out here for a while. I love my daughter so much. It is amazing to look at your kids and be so proud of the adults they have become.

This morning I decided to make candles, and then realized my furnace isn't working.. just what I need, another bill! I am waiting for them to come out to hopefully fix it. Not the best time to have a unoperable furnace, although when is a good time?

We talked to our local Dr about Mayo reading the CT scan results and he says that overall they are correct in the shrinkage. I am going to put more faith in him, as he mentions surgery every time we go see him. I pray God puts the right Dr's in my path.

My spirits are high today, I know God is healing me. I have to keep learning patience and have to keep my faith strong. Please keep praying for me, I know the prayers are working.

This is a link to a wonderfully inspiring blog about another woman that has colon cancer. She is having her surgery this morning, and has traveled much of the path I am traveling. If you could say a prayer for her that would be great. I want to be just like her one day, and get to the point I can have surgery
http://karenscancer.blogspot.com/

Sooooo Frustrating!

You know, it should be bad enough that I have cancer. I am fighting my ass off and it seems as though every turn I am headed the wrong direction. I once asked my pastor what I had did that was so wrong in life to get cancer that they say I can not heal. I am a natural born fighter, I may not seem like it sometimes, but inside I am a FIGHTER! I have been thru enough with losing my Mom to Cancer, it's not taking me down, I will be that miracle....

Ok on to the reason I posted what I did above. 3 Weeks ago I had a cat scan at the local hospital, I was delighted with the news that we had shrinkage in the colon, everything else had simply disapeared except for the liver with no shrinkage. I posted about that. Well I think I also posted that my local oncologist says this is definitely neuroendocrine cancer.. the one in a million rare cancer. He also talked about surgery at some point... well

We sent the ct scans back up to Mayo because I value their opinion, we wanted a second read because when we went to Mayo the first time, they found so much more cancer than they did locally. Well, they called today and they said they wanted to call me before thanksgiving to say they are amazed at how much shrinkage I had with 3 treatments. 20-30% in my liver and my colon and 50% in my omentum. They still say there is too much cancer for surgery, but they did say that occasionally they will see tumors disapear. Soooooo.. their results are good and bad, no surgery option YET, but they show shrinkage where the local pathologist showed none, and Mayo shows cancer where the local path. didnt see anything. THIS IS SO DAMNED FRUSTRATING! They also said this is definitely NOT neuroendcrine cancer as I wouldn't have responded as well as I have.

So there ya have it, two Dr's with two different opinions on what kind of cancer this is, and 2 Dr's that have two different opinions of a CT scan. It leaves me feeling so frustrated. I told hubby perhaps we need to change Oncologists, and definitely need to change where we get CT scans. I have to have both Dr's on the same page. I know I am just another patient to them, but hey guess what? I ONLY HAVE ONE ME.

On the positive side, we have shrinkage, looks like more than what we thought. If you are praying for me, thank you and please pray for this cancer to just disapear.

Thanksgiving will be at my house as usual, except the kids will be cooking everything except the stuffing. I am going to be positive and this is going to be a wonderful Thanksgiving. I have ALOT to be thankful for.
Love those kids, they grow up way to fast and ya just never know what life is going to deal you.
Happy Thanksgiving to all:)

A great weekend

I had a wonderful weekend. My Sister Debbie came down on friday, she always makes me smile even when I feel my worst. We shopped a little and had lunch.
Saturday my kids held a birthday bash for me and it was a lot of fun. I cried my eyes out at the cards they gave me. I love my kids so much and I know how hard this is on all of them. They are so strong in front of me, but I know it is on their minds always. I hate being a worry to them. I am trying really hard to be strong but some days it's not possible. I get upset over the silliest things sometimes, like watching the race last night and wondering if I would get to see another race.

I am going thru the phantom fever for the last two days. It feels to me like I am running a fever, I am hot to my own touch and freezing cold, but my temperature is 98.2. My temperature has been running 97 since this drama began and who knows why. Some say it is called tumor fever where the tumor puts off heat when it dies, I pray this is it.

My leg muscles aren't sore anymore to walk on so I am thankful for that. I just want these tumors to disapear.
I think, well I know I have a short attention span and I am to the point I want this cancer nightmare to be over. Of coarse, I can't just make that happen right this second so it is taking it's toll on my emotions.

Life can be over in a heartbeat, always remember to tell those you love how much you love them. I pray every day that I can beat this cancer. I talked to a friend today who has cancer and it has spread to her liver. I feel so bad for her, they say she only has 6 months. I told her NO DR is God. I hope she chooses to fight. For now, I choose to fight and I am going to continue to fight. I deserve it and so does everyone around me...when I look into my grandsons eyes, I wonder how I could possibly ever give up.

5th chemo

Today is my 46th Birthday. I go to have my pump removed today from my 5th chemo session. This time my symptoms have been:
Dizzy eyes...where your eyes don't quite want to see the same direction
numbness and tingling in my fingers, toes, and lips
red face
weird achy calves.. my legs don't want to move sometimes
feel like I am running a fever though it has only been99
fatigue
crying, why does chemo always make me cry?

I asked the Dr on wednesday what our plan is, he told me ideally we would continue to see shrinkage and they would submit me for surgery after 12 rounds of chemo, if I am approved for surgery then he would probably send me to mayo for surgery. I would have to stop the avistin part of chemo 1 to 2 months before surgery. If we dont continue to see favorable results they would switch my chemo over to the neuro endocrine chemo, which I will lose my hair. So, everytime I see him, he has a different opinion, it's almost like he doesnt realize which patient he is with.

He also said he is sure this is a neuroendocrine tumor, though mayo says they aren't sure. Of coarse I had to search neuroendocrine tumor and read that the average survival rate is 5 months, so that put me down for the rest of the day..
WHATEVER is what I say to that today!

We sent the ct scans up to mayo for a second look from the doc up there and are awaiting word from them.

I can't wait to get this pump off today, it makes a clicking noise every two minutes as it pumps more poison into my body and I just about can't take it. My sister Debbie is coming to take me as no one would want me driving like this.

The good, the bad and the port hole

It was a great weekend. My family takes such good care of me. I even forgot for awhile that I had cancer. Debbie, my sister has always been the goof ball in the family, always making a reason to laugh and it worked all weekend! It was so great to see my brother and his wife Phyllis, I miss him already and he just left yesterday. He is my big brother and he trys so hard to take care of me. We did dinner at my other sister Sherry's and it was wonderful to get together with all my brothers and sisters.... I cried when I left their house wondering if I will ever be at a family gathering again... They all love me so much. I hope next year we can do thanksgiving at my house.

I had to go to the surgeon yesterday because my port incision has been open in just a tiny place and I realized a stitch is trying to pop thru. He removed the stitch leaving a hole. He said with the avistin(part of my chemo) healing takes so much longer. He also said that the whole thing could just pop wide open and they would have to replace the port... so I am praying that doesn't happen.

I also on a whim called Carle clinic. This is where I had my first colonoscopy. I just wanted to find out how long ago it had been, thinking surely it had been at least 7 years ago, maybe longer. I was shocked when they told me I had the colonoscopy in 2002... only 5 years ago. They didn't say it, but I wonder, did he miss the polyp that turned into cancer in me? Some Dr's say it takes 10 to 15 years for a polyp to turn into cancer. Back in 2002, the Dr made the comment that I shouldn't have been sent for a colonoscopy before they had tried other things to remedy my diarrea. Maybe he rushed through my colonoscopy and missed the most important thing. It really just sucks so bad, because my mind always says what if.. and this brings about another what if. Of coarse it doesn't change where I am now, all I can do is believe that God is healing me and the chemo is working. I know it is, I just know it is

Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes. I appreciate them and need them so badly. Please feel free to leave comments on my blog. Every email, comment and card help me to hang on.

Chemo is tomorrow

Pulling myself up

I am pulling myself up today. I realize that I am going to have to try harder to regain my strength. Today I am cleaning my house, well kinda:) Hubby trys to keep it picked up and my dear daughter in law comes around and helps to clean but it is the day to get off my butt and get some strength back.

Tomorrow and friday are going to be fun days. I am going to my sister, Debbie's to spend a couple of days with her. It's going to be a busy weekend too, I am going wedding dress shopping with my wonderful daughter Sarah and then on Sunday, my sisters, brother and I are having thanksgiving at their house. It will be great to hang out with my brother and sisters. My brother is flying in on Friday from Arizona, so it is going to be a action packed weekend. It's a birthday celebration for my brother and me, since our birthdays are only 10 days apart, it will be a lot of fun. He turned 50 this year! I am still the baby in the family:)

Give me strength to have a great rest of the week

Just feeling blahhh today

I just feel depressed today. I want things to be the way they used to be. I don't like this new normal, not one bit. I am so thankful for everyone that helps me out, calls me and is there for me, but I want things to go back to normal. My family is incredible at helping me out. I have wonderful humans in my life, I just want things to go back to normal... I want to help myself instead of having everyone there to help me. I have always been a private kinda person and I have always been the brains behind the operation, the one that figures out a solution for every problem.. and here I am being helped daily. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for the help I get, I am just so sad for the circumstance.

I want to wake up and not have the first thought that pops into my head be cancer. Cancer took my Mom away from me when I was just 14 years old, why do I have to have cancer now? Didn't I go thru enough losing my Mom at such a young age?

Who's hungry for cardboard?

The chemo cloud is starting to lift. I can feel my strength taking over. Usually it takes a few more days, but I will take it:) My mind is much stronger this time around. As my mind was saying let's go, my body was going ... not gonna happen, so I ended up listening to my body and resting. The last couple of days everything just tastes like cardboard. It is so hard to eat when nothing tastes or even looks good. I have decided I will never eat steak again. They say your tastes change when you have chemo, and for me steak just tastes like dead cow... ugh!

Lots of people have asked me what chemo side effects are, here are just a few
I have what is called first bite syndrome for several days after chemo, ya know how your lips pucker up when you bite a lemon or pickle? Well the back of my mouth near my jaws does that randomly on the first bite of many things I eat.

Neuropathy gets worse as chemo goes on, but thank god, it does go away. No more drinking anything cold, they say my throat could feel like it is seizing up from the cold. Never ever take anything from the freezer or refrigerator without gloves on! It results in immediate pain and tingling in my fingers. When I walk, I put my hands up, cuz hanging my hands down can cause them to get cold, resulting in tingling.
Turn the water on when I first start to use the restroom so it is warm by the time I need to wash my hands.
I miss a nice ice cold pepsi!

Today has been a "10" on the tear scale, chemo has that effect on me, hopefully it goes away. Norm keeps saying no crying today, poor guy.

We have SHRINKAGE!!

I went in on Halloween for Chemo and the results of my CT. The results of the CT read amazing, almost too good to be true, but I believe! It showed a slight shrinkage of the tumor in my colon, no shrinkage of my liver, but it didn't show ANYTHING else. The spot on my kidney was gone, the spots on my omentum were gone, there were no swollen lymph glands. This is a major improvement over what we heard at Mayo cinic. The Dr even talked about having a surgery option at some point in the future. The report at one point talked about lesions on my liver and then at the bottom talked about a lesion on my liver, so my Dr believes there is just one tumor on my liver and even part of that could be cysts. So a VERY good results.

After that it was time for chemo and it helped me to ease into the chemo chair knowing it is working.
I haven't been able to post for a few days cuz the chemo just plain kicked my butt! Yesterday for about 3 hours I had pain in my liver which scares me alot, but it did go away and I just hope that it was the chemo working on getting rid of the tumor in my liver. Today I go get my chemo pump removed so I will have completed round 4 of chemo. My Dr even talked about seeing how I do with chemo and his words were:if I needed a break from it: This is nice to hear because last time he simply said I was on chemo until it quit working.

Thank you all for your prayers, they are working. The power and miracle of God is amazing!

One of my candle angels, Laurie really lifted my spirits when she told me I have a whole fan club praying for me.

My Candle Angels

As most of you know, I am a candle maker. This is the busiest time of year for me. This year isn't though because of my cancer... I have wonderful customers. Some of which I have known for years and many who I consider my friends. I have several gals that are taking my candles and selling them for me. What a gift of kindness huh? These ladies are the best. I still get to pour candles on my off chemo week and they so kindly take them and sell them. It's a huge bonus when you get to call your customers your friends as well. Thank you for being my special Candle Angels.. Kathy C, Brandi B, Laurie H, Rhondy R, Kelly S and Shari G. You gals are the best and you keep me feeling needed:)

I am feeling ok today. I resisted the urge to call and ask for my CT results about 20 times today. I will wait patiently until tomorrow and hope and pray he tells me there is some shrinkage of the tumors.

Tomorrow is chemo day, it almost feels like a good/bad because I know it is killing the cancer but it makes me feel so bad.

Is your butt covered?

Have you had a colonoscopy? If you haven't and are abover age 40, please get one. Use me for your example of what could happen. If only I would have had one 3 years ago.. I would be in much better health now.

The Dr's figure I have had cancer for 3-4 years. How can that possibly be? This is my thought for today. I have been pretty healthy, heck I lost 50 pound last year with diet and exercise, I was in the best health I have ever been in. Theres this little nagging voice in my head.. I should have listened to my body better. I had horrible pains in my right side off and on for maybe 2 years. I asked my Dr about them, but he said take gasex. Sheesh who was I to question him? Especially something as sensitive as discussing bodily functions. I just accepted what he said.
That was the ONLY symptom I had. Colon cancer is the number 2 cancer killer in the world and it is silent, no symptoms! How could I have been so foolish and not listened to my body better?
I had a colonoscopy at 37 for diarrea and the Dr declared me completely clean and told me to return in 10 years. I so wish I wouldn't have had a colonoscopy then and I would have waited til I was 41 or 42. Too many what if's to worry about now, but please listen to your body!

On the homefront,I went in for a CT scan today, this will tell us if the tumors are shrinking, I find out the news on Wednesday when I go in for Chemo. Thank you Sherry for taking me for chemo every two weeks. My family is wonderful!

It's abeautiful day in the neighborhood

After talking to a friend today, I decided I need to take this blogging a little more serious. She said people really want to know how I am doing so I think this is a great way to let everyone know.

I have finished 3 rounds of chemo. I am scheduled for wednesday for my next dose.
I am also scheduled for a CT scan tomorrow to see(pray, hope) that the tumors are shrinking. Although I hate the thought of going thru chemo again, I am happy that it is a option for me and glad that the poison they are putting in my body will kill every cancer cell in my body. I pray and hope for this every day.

I am so thankful for everyone that is taking such good care of me. I swear I don't know how my husband does it. I am not the easiest patient in the world and today he told me today was a no- crying day. Normally I would have told him where to stick his words, but today I know he just wants me to be happy today and so I will try to smile instead of cry just for him.. Chemo seems to have a crying effect and I can be totally fine and then bam, here comes the tears.

How my cancer journey began

Wow! I can't believe I am blogging about my journey to kick Cancers butt! I guess I have a lot of filling in to do since this marks too many weeks since I was diagnosed with colon cancer. I am not sure where to even begin.

I have been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer with metasis to my liver, omentum, maybe even my kidney and lung. It doesn't sound pretty but my choice is to fight it like crazy!

The support of my family, friends, customers and complete strangers continue each day to amaze me! It is so hard to ask for help. I am the person that is their to help others, it feels so weird getting help from others...

August 26th was a day that would change my life forever... little did I even know how much. It was a busy weekend for my business. I had 4 parties scheduled, one friday, 2 saturday and one sunday. I just didn't feel well on Friday and by Saturday I was wondering how I would make it to Sundays party. My lower stomach just didn't feel right. I went to my candle party on Sunday but sat thru most of it, I just didn't feel well, by then My lower stomach was hurting. When I left the party and dropped off my daughter, I headed for the local promptcare center. They xrayed me and said I had some stool and gas and gave me stool softeners. I couldn't drive, my stomach just hurt so bad and I looked like I was 6 months pregnant.

I went home and was trying everything I could think of to feel better, luckily my daughter in law Kristi came over and she decided to call my Dr. He said for me to stop everything I was doing and head to the ER. Once at the ER, they gave me a massive dose of pain meds, I don't know what they were but I was out of it. They sent me for a ct scan and I faintly remembered them saying mass in my colon and spots on my liver and they were admitting me. Hubby went home to get some much needed rest and I was out of it with pain meds.. totally clueless for what was about to come.

About 7 am the next morning I was awoken by my Dr, telling me how sorry he was for the bad news they had given me. I was thinking huh, what are you talking about???? He then told me that they thought I had cancer. I also had a blood infection.

The next 4 days were a big blur, with tests and mixed thoughts from the Dr's. One would say it was cancer, the next would say they thought it was an infection. Even when the biopsy came back from the hospital, I was fed mixed reports. The nurse told me there was no cancer just dead cells. When I demanded to see a Dr, a few hours later a Dr came in and said yes it looks like cancer, but we don't know for sure so we are sending your biopsy to Mayo for further review. We were on a bad rollercoaster ride...

I was on clear liquids for 18 days as the local surgeon was ready to operate. On September 6, my local surgeon had the results back from Mayo... it was cancer. My world fell apart right there in his office. I don't remember much else about that day...except knowing I had to get another opinion and a good one at that.

I quickly went to Mayo for a second opinion on September 13th and they said I not only had cancer in my colon, but my liver, and my omentum. After more tests at Mayo, They said that in the three weeks since my original ct scan, my tumors had grown and I needed chemo and quickly, no surgery option YET.. notice I said yet? If these tumors will shrink down, I can get surgery which is the best option available.

I am currently on 5FU, yep that's what they call it, makes ya go hmm doesn't it? Along with Avistin and oxaliplatin. Chemos tough to get thru but not as tough as I am.