A busy weekend and miracles

I just have to say, isn't it amazing that I wrote about Suzanne and she found my blog the same day? It was just the miracle I needed to keep me going. Sometimes it's hard, actually alot of the time it is hard, but it is miracles like this that keep me hanging on. This new chemo is really alot better on me and there are moments I feel normal and it is so hard to believe I have stage 4 cancer inside me. I guess this is a good thing as it allows me to have normal moments.

I rarely remember dreams but in the last several days I have had 2 about my Mom. Last night I dreamed that my Mom was sitting at my kitchen table with me and she asked me to explain why I thought I had to die of cancer. It was so weird, but yet so real. I think this is another miracle, my Mom is trying to talk to me even if in a dream. She helps me to keep going too. I am so sad I don't have a Mom to hug during this time in my life, but I feel like she is here in some way and my dreams lately have reassured me of that. I hate the thought that I might leave my kids without a mother, the same way I was left without my Mom. I pray to God that my kids aren't left without a mother. Even though my kids are older than I was when I lost my Mom, they still deserve to have a Mom. This breaks my heart alot.

We are headed to St Louis to see the liver surgeon on Monday. Suzanne has also given me some contacts with Dr's and Norm is working away looking for surgeons, so hopefully somewhere out there is the Dr that will help me have surgery. I finally got my records from when I had my colonoscopy originally that was perfectly normal, It was Dec 20 2002. Thats only 4 and a half years from when I was diagnosed. how can this be right? I have the thought in my head now that perhaps a dirty instrument was used in my colonoscopy back in 2002, maybe the instrument gave me cancer. I just don't get it. All I can do is move forward and find my hope out there. I feel like I have to get my armor on to do battle. Thank you all for your prayers, I am not sure what I am supposed to learn from my experience but I am sure that this has been a week of mind bending miracles and I will take it. Please let the miracles continue. I am so not ready to be told no surgery again, I am going with a positive attitude for a new look into my case and hope, for that is really all I have. Please pray for a miracle for me. Pray that this surgeon is my pearl in the sandstorm.