The ups and downs of life

My friend Liz whom I worked with for many years passed away yesterday. I hadn't seen her in years and one day when I went into the cancer center to get unhooked from my pump, she was there. I am glad I got to talk with her again. She fought to the very end, and was very much aware when she passed away early yesterday morning. She didn't want to suffer at the end, and she didn't want to be alone when she passed, and she wasn't. You've earned your wings Liz. Liz told me a few weeks ago to be strong and to fight it, and that is what she did, she fought this bastard known as cancer for as long as she could. I will miss chatting with her, it always helped to have someone else who was going thru the same thing to talk to. I will miss her but know she is pain free, hanging out in heaven.

I spoke to the nurse from Chicago yesterday to make sure I had everything I needed for my appt. in January. I don't hold much hope for a surgery decision after talking to her, who knows maybe it is just a wasted trip to even go up there, but hopefully we will get at the least a 3rd take on my ct scans and just how much cancer is in my body. She said rarely does chemo make cancer go away, so there probably is multiple tumors on my liver as Mayo has indicated. I can only hope there isn't, that's all I have left is hope. I know with God, anything is possible. I have tried to replace fear with faith, because I know with God all things are possible.

We found "the" dress and a wonderful holiday plus more

Wow, it has been a exciting week! First of all, me and Sarah went yesterday and she found "the" dress. She lit up as she tried on this dress, she said it made her feel so happy. I knew even though she tried on more dresses before and after "the" dress, that she had found the perfect dress. She looks just like a princess, which is the meaning of the name Sarah. She is going to be the most beautiful bride ever!

Christmas was amazing this year, there wasn't tons of presents as in years past but everyone just enjoyed the company and it was wonderful. With all the cancer expenses and me not working, we just didn't have the money for lots of gifts. I made each of my kids a fleece knot blanket and they loved them. It wasn't much but I wanted something homemade to give to my kids that would wrap them in warmth and memories. My sweet daughter in law Kristi took on the task of making scrapbooks for each of the kids filled with pictures from when they were little. I am sure it was overwhelming for her to go thru all of the old pictures and separate them out. She did a amazing job and the kids LOVED them. Each time she brought me one of the completed scrapbooks, I cried. These are the things families are made of. Words can not express the gratitude I have for her taking her time to make the scrapbooks.

Yesterday, I heard from Mayo clinic's Oncologist, Dr. Chan. She said, the shrinkage they have seen from my tumors is amazing. She used the word amazing! She said things are changing so rapidly in colon cancer treatments that 6 months ago surgery would be out of the question, but today, it is not. She is going to talk to my surgeon there at Mayo and get his take on things. It is still confusing, but she continues to see shrinkage from the last scan while locally they do not, she also continues to see multiple lesions on my liver, which locally they only see the one. In any case, this is good news. She told me that she can not speak for the surgeon, they may say surgery is completely an option, or they may want to wait and continue improvement with chemo to see more progress in my liver, but she feels chemo is still continuing to shrink my tumors and they are amazed at the results I have had. So the day ended with great news!

Thank you all for your prayers, I have faith they are working, God has a very special plan for me. Please continue to pray for me.

A teeny chemo break

I was supposed to have my next round of chemo the day after Christmas. My Dr will be gone so he said I could wait and have it Dec. 31 instead or I could see the other Dr and have it as scheduled. I waivered back and forth, wondering if the cancer will grow in that 5 day break. My Daughter has a appt to look at more wedding dresses Dec 26, so I made up my mind that I would wait and usher in the new year with my chemo pump attached. I have to be there when my daughter finds "the" wedding dress. I may never see her wedding, so I have to make sure I am the first one to see her in her wedding dress. She is my baby, my princess and my special angel. She has accomplished so much in her 24 years. I am so very proud of her. I have to be there for her, I have to be there when she gets married, when she has babies, and when she just needs her Mom to turn to. Dear God, please let me be there for her, she deserves to have me in her life.

Just random thoughts

A few weeks ago I was visiting one of my favorite candle forums when I came upon a post titled " do you know someone who is dying" I left the forum. I just couldn't take the thought of me writing.. umm ya that's what the Dr's say I am doing. so I just left the forum, and haven't been back, can't take the stress

Today I went to another candle forum to find a please pray for me I have a touch of pnemonia post, and the post went on and on about woe is me, I have the flu with a touch of pnemonia, I wanted to resond so badly with ... I will happily trade you, I have stage 4 colon cancer... But I didn't.

Today a friend I used to work with Mom called me to let me know Liz is in hospice care. She has battled cancer for over a year and a half and in a few weeks time, cancer appeared on her liver and has taken over. I am so sad for her, I am so sad for me. I will probably face where she is one day. I just feel so bad for her. I cried and cried, which is usual with me these days. I then took a nap and woke up and thought, hey stupid tami. You are still on this side of living, live it up girl.

Happy Holidays everyone

Wow! It seems that I have quite a few followers on my blog. Thank you all so very much. I hope each of you will take my experience and use it in your own life to live life to it's fullest. This is the busy time of year, but please don't forget to celebrate the real reason for the season.

I keep hearing this jingle on the tv, it is a commercial of some kind, but I pick up two words from it, ordinary miracle.... As I look backwards, I have had so many ordinary miracles in my life, and even in the last several months. This is what keeps me believing that a miracle can happen at any moment, and it is what keeps my hope up. I am so thankful for my family and friends. I never stopped to realize how lucky I have them in my life. If it were not for cancer slowing me down, I would have never realized the "ordinary" miracles happening in my life.

I am terrified but yet, nervously excited about going to Chicago next month for another opinion from a surgeon. They could open alot of doors for me, or they could slam them all shut. I suppose it is what it is, but there is still room to hope for them opening many doors for me.

I know if they cured me, I would always be thankful for the "ordinary miracles" in my life. Humans are amazing, it is unfortunate that it takes a life changing event before I even realized just how much I have to be thankful for, please don't let it take a life changing event before you stop to realize how many "ordinary" miracles you have.

Grubbyland Candles WONDERFUL news

I was able to post the following to my business website. I cannot express in words how happy I am that my business will carry on. My sister Sherry has been training hard in how to make everything. I am so proud of her. This has been needed even without my cancer. My business has continued to grow throughout the years and I wondered how I could possibly keep up with the growth even before cancer, so this is the best thing that could happen. I will continue to be involved in the business as I can.


Great NEWS!
It is with great pleasure that I announce that GrubbyLand Candles will reopen for business beginning in January! My wonderful sister has agreed to join with me in keeping GrubbyLand Candles the wonderful business it has always been while I continue to battle cancer.

Many of you know my daughter Sarah, she will be our main party gal, however we are looking for one more ambitious sales representative. If you are interested please send me a email.

This is wonderful news for our business as well as our customers. The same high quality products you have experienced at Grubbyland will continue. I am thrilled with the additon of my sister to GrubbyLand Candles.

We are also beginning now to book candle parties for mid January and forward, if you want to host a party, please send me a email.

This venture will take GrubbyLand Candles to the next level and I am thrilled to be able to continue to offer our wonderful customers our products again.

7th Chemo and CT results

Well I had my 7th round of chemo yesterday. I also got the results of my ct scan. Slight shrinkage of the colon mass, no shrinkage in the liver, they made comment of a couple of things, possible blood clot or empty sac in my omentum, and a thickening in my colon wall near the tumor. Thickening could be diverticulitis, could be infection, could be from all the upset stomach I have had lately, could be who knows. hoping its not infection. Oh and they do believe there is only 1 tumor on my liver, way different than what Mayo says.

More importantly, my local Dr feels we are reaching the window of opportunity since the liver tumor is not shrinking anymore. He wants me to see a surgeon in January to see if 1- I am a candidate for resection of my liver, 2- may ever be a candidate for surgery 3- will never be a candidate for resection. This could be great news, it could be horrible news. But I said I would like options, and it looks like he has the same need to see if I have options. Obviously Mayo is seeing my CT scans different and I am not sure why or what to do, but we are going to call Mayo and send up my latest scan and ask it be reviewed by the surgeon at Mayo. besides the Oncologist up there I have been working with. My local Dr also works with a liver surgeon at Barnes in St. Louis so he is going to talk to him and we are also making a appt to go tothe university of chicago. I have been researching Univ. of Chicago and I am impressed with their credentials, I keep getting drawn to them so I am going to see what they have to say. At least we will have 3 different opinions. At the very least I have read about many procedures to get a unrestable liver to having a better chance of resectability with RFI, sir spheres, cyber knife, so we will at least be able to look at those options as well.

Well, the neuropathy in my hands is horrible and it is very hard to type with the tingling in my fingers so i will try to update more later.. sure wish they made heated keyboards:)
Thanks for all your prayers, please keep praying for these tumors to just disapear

Get in the back and be quiet

This is the way I feel today, like I am 5 again and have been told by my parents to just get in the back of the car, leave the driving to them and be quiet. This is how I feel about my life right now, it doesn't matter what I see ahead, I am just supposed to shut up. It's like my feelings don't even matter anymore. I want to find a Dr that believes I have hope, maybe I already have one, I don't even know anymore. I just wish so much that I had options, you know, like when you go to dinner, you get to pick, I don't have options on anything anymore. I get to do what I am told and that's it. My medical options... well there are no options. I get to go have more chemo tomorrow and sit back, shut up and just deal with it. Too bad, that I can still feel the chemo from last round, too bad, just too bad.

I am sorry I am always so negative in my blog. I hope to work on that one day, it's just how I feel today. I am so scared for my results tomorrow, as if it matters anyway, i don't have options, I just get to do what I am told and that's it. When or if a stranger decides I am ready for surgery, it will be "their" option, not mine. I wait for them to decide. I hate feeling so out of control literally in my life.

CT scan today

I had my ct scan as well as a chest xray and blood work today. I won't find out the results until wednesday when I go in for my 7th chemo.

I had a really good weekend, I went to look at wedding dresses with Sarah, she is going to be the most beautiful bride in the world!

Not much else on my mind today, I am so thankful for each miracle I have received and hope and pray my little miracles continue. I am tired today so off to take a nap.

Cancer can NOT control my mind

I wrote that yesterday and it worked on me the whole day. TODAY, cancer will NOT control my mind. I have spent the morning laughing with my sisters on the phone. I actually was laughing out loud after I hung up! That's what I need, more laughter. Going to work on that!

It is supposed to snow up to 4 inches here tonite, I can't wait! I love watching the snow, especially when I don't have to drive in it!

Thank you for your prayers, please keep them going.

Lord give me patience

I am just feeling depressed today. Just sick of being sick and tired of being tired. I keep telling myself to fight but somedays I just need the Lord to give me patience. All good things come to those who wait right?

Honestly, I am starting to stress over my upcoming CT scan on monday. I just want to shake somebodys shoulders and say " hey do you see me breathing here, can ya maybe just take care of the problem so I can get back to normal life, give me the scalpel and I will do my own surgery" but obviously that won't work, I don't know what will work anymore... facing your own mortality isn't ever something your ever prepared for, nor is facing the fight of your life. I want just one normal day to know what was to come back in August, I can't have that now, I can only appreciate what I have... how do you appreciate cancer??????????? I HATE CANCER, I hate how it has changed me and I suppose I need to work on allowing it to change what it can not change and that is my mind... that is why todays title is Lord give me patience.

The serenity prayer works out great too, Accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Am I just too stupid to understand that there is no cure for cancer? But life goes on and "Hope" keeps ringing thru my head. I'm never to stupid or to smart to hope. It's what lifes all about

My husband

This is so tough on him. He trys to hide it so well, but I know it is there. He gets quiet and I know "it" is on his mind. Thank God he has his job and can get away. I am so afraid of leaving him alone someday. I am his strength and he is mine. I hate putting him thru this. This isn't the way it is supposed to be, we are supposed to grow old together. I love him to his core and I hope he knows how sorry I am for putting him through this, it's just not fair. I hope everyone knows how sorry I am for putting them through this, I hate not being able to clean, cook and even work. I HATE CANCER and even worse I HATE what it is putting my family through.

I hope one day I can just be me again, no pain, no chemo, no cancer. My 2 year old grandson said the other day on the phone.. nana still sick.... this precious baby should not have to go through this... I used to keep my grandkids alot of the time, now I just can't even count on how I will feel in the next hour. I miss being with them and having fun with them. My grandkids are the love of my life.

Life just isn't fair! I always thought it would happen to the other guy, this sure does teach me how life can flip in a second. Never miss a second living!

Feeling Great

I feel great this morning. I guess this is a new great. I remember when I was dieting, it takes 21 days to make something a habit. I guess chemo has became a habit. I feel strong today. My legs feel good today. The Dr thinks my problem where my lower legs ache and just don' want to move is from they Oxylaplatin. One of the chemo drugs. I found out it actually contains platinum, no wonder it's so expensive!

My thoughts today are on Christmas. I love Christmas, Norm loves Christmas. It's always been a huge celebration with tons of gifts.. well until this year. I know the reason for the season.. but it's gonna be weird not having a tree filled with gifts for the grandkids. I know it doesn't matter, but it bothers me. I am trying to focus more on the here and now and am so happy I will be able to celebrate Jesus's birthday with my kids and grandkids, perhaps for the first time, it will be what it is supposed to be.

Kristi came over on thursday and decided to put up my small christmas tree. I was so glad, as I wasn't feeling very good. She always comes over the day after my chemo to take care of me and I just hope she knows how much I appreciate her. I hope everyone knows how much I appreciate them taking care of me, I know I am not the easiest to take care of, I know I cry too much and am probably a huge pain in the butt, but never once does anyone tell me that. Every second I am not alone I feel blessed.

Monday Dec. 10th will be my next CT scan. I am always afraid of the results but am praying for more shrinkage and some complete disapearance of tumors. I have to have complete disapearance of some tumors to get to surgery, I know with God anything is possible. Please continue to pray. I think how warped it sounds that I just want to have a surgery that could last many hours and hurt alot when I wake up from it, but that is the only way out of this cancer nightmare. Chemo only works for so long and then things grow again... so I am told. It almost scares me when I feel good today, because it makes me wonder... has the chemo stopped working already... but I know with God anything is possible