Today is one of those days. I just don't know where I truly belong. I can't even find a support group for my type of cancer. There isn't one, because my cancer is so rare. I don't even fit into a support group. Do a search for small cell neuroendocrine cancer and it points to lung cancer, well I don't have lung cancer so I don't fit in there either. Some days, it is the truth that I don't fit in anywhere. No one understands what I have or how to treat it, they know it is aggresive but their isn't even enough cases to even know what to do. I said to my local oncologist, maybe it''s not even cancer, he replied ya it's cancer. What difference does it make how hard I fight or how much I struggle if no one even knows what to do with my cancer? Some days I can get through just pretending that I am fighting and I feel ok so I must be ok... and then most days it's impossible to get thru "faking" it, I have cancer and I am dying from it and I know this, this is the only certain in my life and it sucks, just plain sucks, no plan in place, nothing just simply some days I don't understand. I have always been such a fighter and it doesn't even matter how hard I fight, it doesn't even matter. I am finding that it is easier and easier to hide my feelings from those close to me, just because I have brought them down so many times before and it's not something I want to or will do to them anymore. I hide in my own mind, not knowing where I fit in to this mess of a situation I have called cancer. All I can do is go forward, but I am not even sure why, because it makes no sense at all, none of it make any sense. Their is no problem solving here. It is what it is, and knows noone really what it is, so for today the truth is I don't know where I belong or where I fit in or if I even belong or if I even fit in. Just hoping for a miracle, a place to be and someway to fit in.
My husband said the plant always turns towards the sun, I want to be the sun so bad, what happens to the plant when the sun goes down? My life resembles nothing that it did a year ago, it has taken such a profound effect on my family, I don't even know how they get thru it, and I hate putting them through this, they dont deserve it, they are the most caring loving people in the world. I completely understand when they don't have the right words to say or the right emotion to show, because I don't know what to do either. I guess I need to pray for peace of mind again for myself and for my family, I need that more than anything.
I am so thankful for all of you that read my blog, that pray for us, and that comment, you can't believe how just a few words on a computer screen from your comments can be my inspiration for the day. Even though I am not coformtable sharing the specifics from my post last week, I want you to know that your comments have inspired me to move past that onto other things that truly matter in my life. For most of you that thought I had just truly lost my mind, I assure you the situation did almost make me lose my mind but was very real and very hurtful and I learned most of all that I am still living, and I must still have lessons to learn even at this stage of my life.
I am starting to write letters to my family so they will have them forever and it is so hard because how many peices of paper does it take to share how much I love them, how much they mean to me, how wonderful they are for being there for me, how much paper does it take to fill a life time of memories?
Hmmm reading back thru this post makes me once again leave the reader going, this woman is losing her mind. I promise I am not, this is just so hard to even imagine, much less go through and this is my outlet to let all those feelings out. Its important to be able to just let it all out sometimes, and this is where I choose to do that. Some day my family will have my blog to look back on and I hope they know how hard I fought and how much I cared about them.
Todays slogan for the day.. Life is a deadly disease, 100% of us will die one day, remember that as you go throughout your day, my death may be imminent but none of us are promised tomorrow, make today the very best you can, let those you love know it. Cherish every second.
Psychic Kids
14 years ago
5 comments:
Tami,
Cancer is not the only reliable constant. God is the other. Lean on him. Let his peace and strength substitute for yours when you feel there is nothing left to give. I pray for his peace for you every day. That you feel the way he carries you lovingly in his strong arms...You are his precious child. None of us know "why bad things happen to good people," but I do believe it is possible to find the pearl in your sandstorm, and I view the hand we have been dealt as a very real reminder to spend every moment teaching and loving those close to us. You have taught me how much strength can be found where you may not know it exists. You have taught me to vocalize my love for family and friends every chance I get. You have taught me to weed through the garbage and let go of the things that don't really matter. Thanks for allowing me to be your friend, and thank you for the lessons you have taught us. I love you very much.
In Him,
Kristi
Tami there is nothing in your posts that make me think you are losing your mind. You are one of the most grounded people I know. I can understand a little of what you are going through because of what I went through with my mother. She hid so much of her anguish from us....I know this now but at the time we were going through it, I didn't. It's an actual physical pain for me to think she carried that burden alone and hurts me now just about more than anything. Don't hesitate to share with your family.
I will pray for peace for you and your family...and a miracle just for you. Don't give up when you may be on the brink of the treatment that will put you in remission. Somebody has to be the person who teaches them how to treat specific illnesses and you could very well be that person. Brenda
Tami; as always we are with you. never never give up. vent those feelings. this is good. and if we can help you in any way please let us. fight, fight, fight!! Barb
Well, I think of you as a sunflower, following that sun from the moment it shines through in the morning til it sets at night. I think it is such a great flower....with that strong - unbending stalk. I used to pass this big field of them on my way to the grocery store over in NH, got to watch them grow soooo tall over the summer.The farmer had planted 2 long rows at the edge of his field closest to the highway. They were amazing - and so are you.
Cherish every moment, ah yes...you teach me that with every post.
I can so relate to your feeling of "not belonging". But if there is no group to take you in, form your own. You don't know how many other individuals are out there feeling lost like you do. Make a website, form a chat group, share the information you have found on your cancer, and your experiences with it. I am sure there are (and will be) some who will appreciate it.
(I can offer you free webhosting if you need it.)
-- the loungequeen
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