So I think I am special

Seems like a good title to todays blog. I seem to think I am special and deserve to be treated special. This is true alot of the time. Having cancer doesn't put a big C on my chest but it does make me realize the little things in life. Most of all I realize that I need to be needed, so I must think I am special, just because I have cancer. It is true, I need to be needed. There are so many things that I can't do anymore that used to be just common place, actually my whole world was turned around, upside down and continues to spin out of control. A lot of times, I find the things that used to be just aren't anymore, people can do things on their own without my help and people continue on down the path of normal life. I just need to feel needed, little things and big things. Sometimes it feels like I have already died because the things I used to be needed for, the things, a friend, a wife, a mother are needed for, well I don't feel needed for alot of things anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I am already dead. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to know that people will carry on when I am gone, but sometimes I just need to feel needed in this uncertain world that has changed so dramatically for me in the last almost 10 months. I just need to know that I am still important, and sometimes I take it past the point I am trying to make, or sometimes it bothers me when the things I used to just do, don't need me to do them, or to be there or to listen, or to just be. I have to realize that just because my world is spinning, the rest of the world is continuing on as usual, I have to learn to sit back and realize that Im not that special and Im not always needed. Perhaps I need to learn that I have taught others to do for themselves and that is the reason I am not needed, perhaps they just think it is a bother to ask me, and just do it their selves, but I need to be needed most of all because cancer shouldn't be able to take that away from me, not yet, not ever. and perhaps I put a big C on those around me and never realize it's not their job to make me feel needed , it never was and it isn't now. My expectations perhaps are just too huge and I need to work on that. This isn't easy and I am not perfect and even now I have lessons to learn.

My friend Jackie sent me some awesome words to live by and so for today I will use one that i need to learn most of all

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring and integrity, they think of you. ~ by H. Jackson Brown, Jr. ~

On the medical front, I have been having pain in my stomach, I ended up in the ER saturday night. Let's just say things aren't passing through my body very fast these days and it leaves me in pain and feeling very bloated. Happily they got me fixed up. They wanted to keep me longer and give me more fluids since they see a possible blockage in my colon on the xray, but I opted to come home, I can't stand hospitals and want to spend as little time in one as possible.

Please continue to pray for healing and for peace.