not even sure what to title this

I really need some prayers and positive vibes. My blood counts are way too low. There is some concern that I could have a bleed going on somewhere internally since my hemoglobin has dropped so much in the last two weeks. We will find out tomorrow what they want to do. We haven't seen my blood counts this low throughout this journey and it's just pretty scarey and unfortunately what happens when you have cancer, you just never know what tomorrow will bring. I am hoping that my counts are just low from chemo and as a result of all the stress I have been having this week, as well as not eating like I should have been all week. If you could spare a prayer or positive vibe for this to just fix itself, that would be great. I hope this is just another glitch in the way of chemo.......and not the beginning of something serious, My white blood count is down to 2.7, red blood count at 2.9, platelets are 103, hemoglobin at 9.4, hematocrit is low,it's just all to low. It pisses me off that the Dr's office can't just tell me what needs to be done today. I know patience, but cmon, at least set my mind at ease or something.

My faithful companion

Rest in Peace my sweet Gizmo, July 13,1996- July 29,2008
This is my sweet puppy dog Gizmo or as we called him Gizzie or Mr Mo. It's been a tough day as well as a tough couple of days as we realized we were nearing a very tough decision. Around the clock care for the last 3 days just trying to get him to eat or drink has taken a very emotional tole on me and Norm. This morning, we made the decision not to let Gizzie suffer anymore. I still and probably always will question my decision. We just couldn't let him suffer any longer. At the vets yesterday, he confirmed Gizzie had congestive heart failure and fluid buildup in his lungs and around his heart. We tried the meds our wonderful vet had given us with one last hope that perhaps we would have our baby again. It was not to be and by 1:30 am this morning, I realized not only was the meds not working, it was time to let him rest at last. He couldn't even lay down to sleep, he could only sit and breathe hard, I presume from the fluid buildup. At 8:30 am, I held onto my baby as he was given his shot and he passed looking into my eyes. I wouldn't have it any other way than to be there with him, I only wish I could hold him one more time, look into his beautiful eyes and see him happy just for one more minute. I asked him to light the way when it's my turn to go to heaven. I am so glad that we have a way to not have to let our animals suffer to the end. My poor baby is resting tonite in doggie heaven. For the last two days, he kept staring at the ceiling,while he tried so hard to breathe, as if he knew he was going to heaven and the angels were waiting to carry him home. I miss him so much...........

Guess who get's to wave the flag??

I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not gonna be at a nascar race but is gonna be at a local track in Peoria and I am beyond excited so much I can't even think about it! I wanna do a dance like a kid and yell, I'm gonna wave theeee flaggggg, naneeee naneee boo boo.. I'm gonna wave the flag:) My sister Sherry came up with the idea and my sister Debbie called and got the YES. Aren't they the bestest sisters in the world? So, Saturday night I will be waving the flag! I can't wait! But first, I have to take flag waving lessons, because Norm now has me afraid I dont know how to wave the flag. I told him, listen I have been watching the flag waver for many years and they wave it in a circle 8, he says no, that's not the way they do it, so I guess I am going to be googling how to wave the flag. Silly Norm, doesn't he know by now I am infatuated with the flag waver at every race??

On the medical front, I made it through another round of chemo. one more down countless more hopefully to go. Dr Benson was pleasantly surprised that my tumors had shrunk, he said he had only expected for them to be stable, so that was a nice surprise as well. He says for now, we know the chemo is working and we should just stick to it, until we don't see it working and then we will switch strategies. Norm asked them to reread the ct scan, and Dr Benson called tonite to let us know that they also saw tumor shrinkage, we had asked him how many tumors are on my liver and he told us tonite at least 10, but said they are all very small. Hopefully, the chemo will just erase them all. I would love to be able to type on here, cancer, what cancer? Not yet, maybe one of these days though.
As always thanks for your comments, positive vibes and prayers, the prayers are working. I feel better than ever and can only hope it continues to be this easy.

As a side note, I would add a picture of the flag waver from the Chicago nascar race we went to, BUT of the 408 pictures(literally) Norm took at the race, he didn't take one of the flag waver.. he said he felt like that would be rubbing it into my face. I said um you could have superimposed my face onto the flag wavers:) I am sure there will be pictures of saturday night, hope I don't do something silly like drop the flag and cause a wreck or a caution:)

Off for more yummy chemo

We head out in a few hours for Chicago for chemo tomorrow. I am hoping my blood counts are ok, as I didn't get them checked this week. In any case, you gals are hilarious with your typos:)
I have messed around all morning, just dreading going up this time, like usual. I know the chemo is working, but also know how it makes me feel so I am just dreading going up this time. I fully expect a 10 on the tear scale when we get up there and it hits me I am having chemo, somedays it's just easier to pretend it's not what it is. God give me strength to take the chemo pills on saturday and sunday. That is the part I don't like the most as I always feel the worst when I am taking them. I am thrilled they are working though. Sarah and Josh, her fiance are going to meet us up there, since her birthday is saturday, it will be fun to have her to hang out with. She always reasons with me, I can just hear her saying "Oh Mom" when I get sad, shes such a great daughter

Some good news finally:)

Sorry to keep everyone in suspense for the day. We got the results this morning and we do have some shrinkage in the liver tumors, not as much as we had hoped for but enough to thank God for and enough to be happy that it is definitely good news! The last scan done in the beginning of May showed my biggest tumor in my liver as 5 cm by 5 cm. The new scan shows a decrease in size of my largest tumor to 4.4 cm by 3.8 cm. It still shows multiple tumors, which they never say how many tumors there are just use the words multiple, but do say there is a definite decrease in tumor size. They also noted that I still have calcification in one of my lungs but that has been there since the beginning and they don't believe it is of concern. I am sure it is there because I am a smoker, a girls gotta have a bad habit or two, ya know? They also noted that I still have a tiny cyst in my right kidney which they say is unchanged from previous scans. Everything else is clear, Thank you God! We know when they went in for surgery, they took a tumor off of my bladder and left a tumor on my bladder, but that tumor has never showed up on any CT scan, so not sure on that, we know the tumor they took off my bladder was cancer, there was also a questionable small tumor deep in my pelvis at the time of surgery that they couldn't reach and that also has never shown up on a CT scan, so thankful for that as well. We do know that anything has to be of a certain size, I believe one cm to show up at all. So hoping the bladder and pelvis just went away with the chemo. So, this is great news, it means the chemo is working and that is wonderful. Thank you God.

i continue to wonder what lessons I am being taught throughout this journey, but also realize some of the lessons I have been taught already. Life is full of lessons, ya know? Sometimes we get it and other times, we just don't.

I am thrilled to be able to continue this chemo and know it is working, or maybe it is the sandostatin shots, or a combo, but I will take it. I have been having some urine flow problems off and on so going to ask the Dr about that. This chemo from the little bit I have read is really supposed to do a number on your kidneys and your blood counts so it could just be the chemo, so praying that I can just continue to tolerate the chemo and have many more good days to come in this crazy world with the gift of life we are given.

I have decided I am not going to get bloodwork done before I go up to Chicago, because I think it is a waste and is just too much stress. I have to go to chicago to get my sandostatin shot and they will check my blood anyways, so will deal with it then. Besides I had a real ass for a lab tech at the local hospital last week, and don't want him to get ahold of me again after the way I was treated there, so just gonna wait it out.

Thank you all for your positive vibes and prayers, yes I can feel them, they are working!
Again I say, I really am noone special, anyone would do the same as I have done, you just do what you gotta do to keep on going, and just hope you keep on going. Trust me when say, I am not always strong, there are many days that it just seems so damn unfair, so impossible, and yet the only choice I have is to keep on, keepin on.

I also need to thank Norm big time, I can't imagine his thoughts when he knew he was going to have to be the one to deliver the news to me, as he picked up the reports and scans. I am sure he was as scared as I was. I have always been a worry wart and I thought sure his car was going to be pulling in to deliver bad news to me, I felt bad knowing he might have to deliver bad news to me... the first words out of his mouth when he called were "baby you can relax, it's all good" He is the stong one in this, he keeps me upbeat and finds the rainbow in any situation, and I am so glad I have him in my life.

A wonderful weekend

The weekend was wonderful. I got to hang out with my sister Debbie, brother in law Mike and Norm. We had such a good time just hanging out! My sister is the best of the best. They brought along everything, wouldn't even hear of us bringing anything. Normally I would have felt like a idiot showing up with just my diaper bag filled with meds and ensure but Debbie and Mike just have it going on. It's great to get to hang out with both of them. Debbie is one of the worlds best cooks and served some delicious food as usual! Of coarse, they made us sleep in their bedroom in the RV, they wouldnt even have that any other way, in Debbie style. Oh and we went to the race, but that was secondary to the fun and good time we had with Debbie and Mike. I told ya, I have a one of a kind family:) I didn't get to wave the flag, but it really was ok, who knows, maybe next year and if not I will wave the flag from heaven one day. I felt pretty good all weekend, between the 3 of them and some of their friends, they got me to and from the track. We took a wheelchair up with us but didn't even end up using it at all. With their friends, the trams and one of the tracks golf carts and the elevators at the track, there wasn't too much walking. Also, a HUGE thanks to the great guy that gave us tickets to the race! They were great seats and it was a lot of fun! After the race, Mikes brother was back at the RV, and it was great to see him. He is such a sweetheart, he got me and Norm matching Kurt Busch tshirts and we promised him we would take a picture of us wearing them. This is a picture of all of us, along with Mikes friend. Norm took about a zillion track pictures and was thrilled to get to see Mark Martin signing autographs, we were too late to get a ticket for the signing but Norm did get some fabulous pictures. We have never seen Mark Martin signing at the races so that was a huge treat for Norm.

I had the CT scan this morning and am just off for a much needed nap. We should have the results of the scan tomorrow, hoping for some disapearing and shrinking tumors, and nothing new. Prayers and positive vibes are appreciated. One of the blogs I read off and on, I found out last night she had passed on, so sad but so true, she went in for what should have been a very survivable surgery on her liver and ended up getting a lung infection and dying. That has put me kinda down, but lets me know it is so true, what I always say, we only have today, never promised tomorrow. Her name was Sarah, just as my daughter and she was only 36 years old. Way to young to die and leave behind 2 little ones. My words for today, come from her blog back a few years ago, before I even knew I had cancer.
"Remember then that there is only one important time and that time is now. The most important one is always the one that you are with. And the most important thing is to do good for the one who is standing at your side. For these, my dear boy, are the answers to what is most important in this world. This is why we are here. — The Three Questions by John J Muth"
Sarah, I hope you are flying high with your wings today.

I still believe I am one of the luckiest girls alive with the family that I have. I have no doubt I would have given up long ago without them. They all keep me strong, each in their own way, I hope I created even more happy memories for them, I know they did for me, although my crazy sister promised if I didn't get to wave the flag, she'd take off her shirt and let me wave that, I didn't get to do that, but it's ok too:) She is such a nut, that's why I love her so much. She just lives the moment, and I know how much she loves me, and trust me when I say, if I would have asked for her shirt to wave, she would have had it off in a heartbeat, just for me, although I might have had to give her a dollar(sorry it's a me and Debbie joke) Live strong everyone, today is all we have.

It looks like the bucket list will be a bust

Even though there have been lots of emails and even a phone call to Chicagoland speedway,nothing has been returned so it's not looking like I will be waving the flag this weekend. It's ok. It's one of those silly things anyways.



I am getting a wheelchair for the weekend but for just in case I need it. I already look like the sick one, I don't want to draw any more attention than need be so hoping I dont have to use the wheelchair but will have one in case I need it. Truth is, I don't like playing the "c" card. I've always been a just deal with it kinda person and now is no different. It is so crowded at the races just walking I can't imagine having to do it in a wheelchair. I feel pretty strong this week so hoping to just go up and have a wonderful time with my hubby and sister. Then it will be back to reality with the CT scan on Monday. I keep thinking of a way to make these damn scans not mess with my mind so much. Truth is, they are the only peek into what's going on inside that we get. Scary thing is one damn test can tell me bettr than a fortune teller what or how long my future is. I would rather be taking a different kind of test, a test that doesn't have to determine my lifespan.



I look forward to "normal" moments in life now more than I ever did before. "normal" moments provide my mind with the way things are supposed to be, just moving along in life, so these are the things that get me thru right now. I know I have cancer, it is with me constantly, like I have been branded forever, but need those "normal' moments to steal me away from reality, and really the reality is, I am still living today, so that is good.



We are going ahead with the Tami's cancer kickin candle, notice I never ever caitalize cancer, I refuse to give it any respect. The candle will be cobalt blue since that is the color givento colon cancer, like pink is for breast cancer, etc. It is a blend I have been making up for myself forever, lots of spice with a hint of bakery and I burn it year round. Those will be available August 1 on the website http://www.grubbylandcandles.com/ We have decided to donate a portion of the proceeds to some organization for cancer, probably the colon cancer alliance, or perhaps St Judes as I really want kids to benefit far before I would. I'm not sure if you've visited Norm's blog, but he hits the nail on the head. I don't believe anyone knows how much red tape there is to cancer until they have gone through it, and I don't believe they will ever find a cure, it's just too big of a business now, and that is where the red tape lays, in the hands of the millions of researchers and Drs etc that make a living treating cancer. If these were the old days when they figured out penicillin, perhaps we'd already have a cure, but in todays world theres just too much money being shelled out for treatment, and way too few actual cures. I've read of so many procedures that work, but they are all in other countries, because of all the red tape the fda puts on products here, we will probably never see many of those. There is a treatment that is tried and true in sweeden for colon cancer, but something we will probably not see here for many many years to come. Everyone, including myself can't afford to go to sweeden for treatment. Even at the national asco conference, it was said there just weren't any big news to report, which makes ya wonder, why not? Frustrating? Ya, sometimes just tired of falling through the cancer cracks, hoping to continue to win battles one at a time, but know in the end the war will be won by the bastard we call cancer....



Enjoy every moment life brings you, if you haven't had a colonoscopy, get one, it could save your life. Listen to your body, that's why we pay the big bucks for insurance, if something doesn't feel right, get it checked out, don't listen to any Dr if it doesn't feel right, earlier diagnosis could have made such a difference for me, for my famiy and even for those that read here daily. Thanks all for your prayers, I know I sound down in this post, just stressing about upcoming ct scan and what it could mean

My Bucket List

Well, my bucket list is pretty short. I have been pretty fortunate to have a wonderful family and not a lot of regrets or real wants, so my bucket list is pretty darn short, but probably impossible. As some of you know I am the biggest Kurt Busch Racing fan ever. he has been my guy since he started racing. We love going to the races and usually manage to go every year to Chicagoland Speedway for the Nascar race. Every year we wait for hours in line to get Kurts autograph and just a chance to chat with him for a second. It's always been worth the wait. We always have a picture taken of me and Norm together with kurt at his souveneir trailer. It's something I am sure Norm will look back on for many many years. Kurt Busch even though thought by some as nascars bad boy is such a nice guy. He always does appearances and is as nice as can be. We will be going to the race next weekend, Thanks to a anonymous donor of tickets and thanks to my sister Debbie and brother in law Mike who take up their RV to the races every year. I can't wait!

You might be wondering ok, so what does this have to do with my bucket list, right? Well, every year since the first race I went to, where I got the tickets for Norm, but became more of a addicted Nascar fan than Norm, I have watched the guy that waves the flag and thought, I wanna do that! Sounds crazy right? That is one of two things on my bucket list, to wave the flag, I don't even care if it is a yellow flag, green flag, checkered flag, hmmm or I guess a black flag, but every year I watch the flag waver with envy, all I wanna do is wave the flag.

Norm has been working feverishly at emailing everyone he can think of to find a way for me to wave the flag. I doubt it will happen, it's way too crazy, of coarse you know me, I have to find the impossible to go on my to do list:)

I can't wait to go to the races. I am worried about the walking,and if I will be able to do it, but am gonna try my best. We are thinking of renting a wheelchair to get me to the track, as that will help with all the walking. Thankfully, it's a night race so the heat shouldn't be a factor near as much. I won't be able to stand in line for hours waiting for Kurt this year, I already know that, and I will miss chatting with Joey and Karen at his souvenir trailer. They were such nice people that we always got to talk to while we shopped. they retired over this last year so it will be weird not seeing their smiling faces working there, but I am really getting excited about going to the races, and still hoping like crazy that I get to wave the flag, but if I don't I will still look at the guy up there and be jealous when he waves the flag!

I will keep my second bucket list item for another post. on the medical front, the chemo effects are wearing off and I am starting to feel better. The numbness in my hands and feet is getting really bad, with the numbness moving up my legs even further almost to my knees. Thank you all for so many comments on my last post. You all made me smile so big!

I am thankful I have the race next week to keep my mind occupied as I have the CT the Monday after the race. I pray this chemo is working and ask for your prayers as well. Then it will be round 16 of chemo on the following friday, if this chemo is working, I pray if it isn't that there will be another plan. I can't imagine.... ever being told there isn't anything else they can do, just can't even comprehend it.

We had a nice 4th of July, it was quiet but nice. We didn't do the big cookout we usually do, the kids were busy with other plans so we just hung out just the two of us and watched the fireworks from the front step of the house, it was nice, not like usual, but nice. We also made our special rib rub and homemade bbq sauce and that was fun just doing something like old times with Norm. Of coarse we had bbq ribs and they were delicious!

here is a picture of me and Norm a couple years ago with Kurt Busch

The wheels on the bus go round and round

i dunno, seemed liked a good title for today. Seems like the wheels are going round and round. At moments, I can forget about this cancer and just live, and that in itself is a good thing. I wish I could go back, but can't, but know I can go forward with the lessons I have learned from this and there have been many. Life is so different now, instead of waking up in the middle of the night wondering how I am going to get all the candles poured and parties booked, I wake up for more medicine at night now. I am doing good getting myself slowly weaned from oxycodone, am still taking it every 4 hours but now down to a half most times. I am addicted to zanax and somehow that isn't going to change, they just make me feel mellow and I shake when I don't have them, so for now I will take them. Chemo has been rougher this time, as if it's a walk in the park anytime. The nausea, fever and just generally not feeling good has continued on. My memory is getting worse, and sometimes I wonder if I just forget how bad chemo was last time. Good news is I still have my hair! I do see some hair loss but not much. I almost want to say I know this chemo is working but am so afriad to say anything out loud for fear of jinxing myself. It is almost easier not getting a scan. I got my scan scheduled today for July 14th.

Kathy, thank you for a comment you made a long time ago about peppermints helping your stomach, they definitely work for my nausea! Actually thank all of you who comment on my blog, your positive comments help me so much. Rosemary and Brenda your words are encouraging, I feel like you are my co workers cept I am off work right now:) Barb and Jackie, it is so nice to know your in my corner, hopefully Barb I will get to see you for my scan. Lounge queen your words are very insightful for me. It's so funny how you can pull strength from people that you have never met and for me alot of you I have never met but feel like we've known each other for a long time. Nancy, the lasagna was awesome, thank you so much, your so much fun! Brandi, what can I say, your the girl! Amish harvest will be back Aug 1, are you gonna book a party? I am actually going to start trying to book some fall candle parties in the next few weeks. I promised my sister fall would be knock her socks off busy with candle and I gotta make sure it is. Nancy gave me a awesome suggestion for a candle, my fav scent and my fav color and call it Tami's Cancerkickin candle. I think we are going to do it, and fall time is perfect as it has my all time favorite scent. If I have missed anyone, I am sorry, it's my memory really. I love all of you. When I started this blog, it was my way of just documenting what I was going thru and being able to just write down my feelings, it has grown from there to a somewhere out there other family and I am thankful I have each of you to encourage me in this mess we call cancer.

Most importantly, I have fired Norm as pool boy! Well, not fired, but will have to watch him much closer. We took the cover off to find crystal clear water surrounded by green walls, so norm was busted for not brushing the pool good enough. I swear I have to keep my eye on him constantly, men ya know how they are anyways.


Lastly, I realized today that I have had 15 rounds of chemo and have successfully passed the 10 month mark since my diagnosis. Most of it seems like such a blur, and then so many parts still seem like a stab in the chest, so fresh. I keep thinking a year ago I had no idea how much my world was going to change, and then think, God let me make it past the one year mark and then the two year mark, God, let me keep being able to fight this disease and continue to live. Sometimes, it's just scary how unpredictable life can be... it's so easy to get caught up in the what ifs and why me's, and then other times it's thank you God for my wonderful family and for teaching me so much along the way of life