The ups and downs of life

My friend Liz whom I worked with for many years passed away yesterday. I hadn't seen her in years and one day when I went into the cancer center to get unhooked from my pump, she was there. I am glad I got to talk with her again. She fought to the very end, and was very much aware when she passed away early yesterday morning. She didn't want to suffer at the end, and she didn't want to be alone when she passed, and she wasn't. You've earned your wings Liz. Liz told me a few weeks ago to be strong and to fight it, and that is what she did, she fought this bastard known as cancer for as long as she could. I will miss chatting with her, it always helped to have someone else who was going thru the same thing to talk to. I will miss her but know she is pain free, hanging out in heaven.

I spoke to the nurse from Chicago yesterday to make sure I had everything I needed for my appt. in January. I don't hold much hope for a surgery decision after talking to her, who knows maybe it is just a wasted trip to even go up there, but hopefully we will get at the least a 3rd take on my ct scans and just how much cancer is in my body. She said rarely does chemo make cancer go away, so there probably is multiple tumors on my liver as Mayo has indicated. I can only hope there isn't, that's all I have left is hope. I know with God, anything is possible. I have tried to replace fear with faith, because I know with God all things are possible.

We found "the" dress and a wonderful holiday plus more

Wow, it has been a exciting week! First of all, me and Sarah went yesterday and she found "the" dress. She lit up as she tried on this dress, she said it made her feel so happy. I knew even though she tried on more dresses before and after "the" dress, that she had found the perfect dress. She looks just like a princess, which is the meaning of the name Sarah. She is going to be the most beautiful bride ever!

Christmas was amazing this year, there wasn't tons of presents as in years past but everyone just enjoyed the company and it was wonderful. With all the cancer expenses and me not working, we just didn't have the money for lots of gifts. I made each of my kids a fleece knot blanket and they loved them. It wasn't much but I wanted something homemade to give to my kids that would wrap them in warmth and memories. My sweet daughter in law Kristi took on the task of making scrapbooks for each of the kids filled with pictures from when they were little. I am sure it was overwhelming for her to go thru all of the old pictures and separate them out. She did a amazing job and the kids LOVED them. Each time she brought me one of the completed scrapbooks, I cried. These are the things families are made of. Words can not express the gratitude I have for her taking her time to make the scrapbooks.

Yesterday, I heard from Mayo clinic's Oncologist, Dr. Chan. She said, the shrinkage they have seen from my tumors is amazing. She used the word amazing! She said things are changing so rapidly in colon cancer treatments that 6 months ago surgery would be out of the question, but today, it is not. She is going to talk to my surgeon there at Mayo and get his take on things. It is still confusing, but she continues to see shrinkage from the last scan while locally they do not, she also continues to see multiple lesions on my liver, which locally they only see the one. In any case, this is good news. She told me that she can not speak for the surgeon, they may say surgery is completely an option, or they may want to wait and continue improvement with chemo to see more progress in my liver, but she feels chemo is still continuing to shrink my tumors and they are amazed at the results I have had. So the day ended with great news!

Thank you all for your prayers, I have faith they are working, God has a very special plan for me. Please continue to pray for me.

A teeny chemo break

I was supposed to have my next round of chemo the day after Christmas. My Dr will be gone so he said I could wait and have it Dec. 31 instead or I could see the other Dr and have it as scheduled. I waivered back and forth, wondering if the cancer will grow in that 5 day break. My Daughter has a appt to look at more wedding dresses Dec 26, so I made up my mind that I would wait and usher in the new year with my chemo pump attached. I have to be there when my daughter finds "the" wedding dress. I may never see her wedding, so I have to make sure I am the first one to see her in her wedding dress. She is my baby, my princess and my special angel. She has accomplished so much in her 24 years. I am so very proud of her. I have to be there for her, I have to be there when she gets married, when she has babies, and when she just needs her Mom to turn to. Dear God, please let me be there for her, she deserves to have me in her life.

Just random thoughts

A few weeks ago I was visiting one of my favorite candle forums when I came upon a post titled " do you know someone who is dying" I left the forum. I just couldn't take the thought of me writing.. umm ya that's what the Dr's say I am doing. so I just left the forum, and haven't been back, can't take the stress

Today I went to another candle forum to find a please pray for me I have a touch of pnemonia post, and the post went on and on about woe is me, I have the flu with a touch of pnemonia, I wanted to resond so badly with ... I will happily trade you, I have stage 4 colon cancer... But I didn't.

Today a friend I used to work with Mom called me to let me know Liz is in hospice care. She has battled cancer for over a year and a half and in a few weeks time, cancer appeared on her liver and has taken over. I am so sad for her, I am so sad for me. I will probably face where she is one day. I just feel so bad for her. I cried and cried, which is usual with me these days. I then took a nap and woke up and thought, hey stupid tami. You are still on this side of living, live it up girl.

Happy Holidays everyone

Wow! It seems that I have quite a few followers on my blog. Thank you all so very much. I hope each of you will take my experience and use it in your own life to live life to it's fullest. This is the busy time of year, but please don't forget to celebrate the real reason for the season.

I keep hearing this jingle on the tv, it is a commercial of some kind, but I pick up two words from it, ordinary miracle.... As I look backwards, I have had so many ordinary miracles in my life, and even in the last several months. This is what keeps me believing that a miracle can happen at any moment, and it is what keeps my hope up. I am so thankful for my family and friends. I never stopped to realize how lucky I have them in my life. If it were not for cancer slowing me down, I would have never realized the "ordinary" miracles happening in my life.

I am terrified but yet, nervously excited about going to Chicago next month for another opinion from a surgeon. They could open alot of doors for me, or they could slam them all shut. I suppose it is what it is, but there is still room to hope for them opening many doors for me.

I know if they cured me, I would always be thankful for the "ordinary miracles" in my life. Humans are amazing, it is unfortunate that it takes a life changing event before I even realized just how much I have to be thankful for, please don't let it take a life changing event before you stop to realize how many "ordinary" miracles you have.

Grubbyland Candles WONDERFUL news

I was able to post the following to my business website. I cannot express in words how happy I am that my business will carry on. My sister Sherry has been training hard in how to make everything. I am so proud of her. This has been needed even without my cancer. My business has continued to grow throughout the years and I wondered how I could possibly keep up with the growth even before cancer, so this is the best thing that could happen. I will continue to be involved in the business as I can.


Great NEWS!
It is with great pleasure that I announce that GrubbyLand Candles will reopen for business beginning in January! My wonderful sister has agreed to join with me in keeping GrubbyLand Candles the wonderful business it has always been while I continue to battle cancer.

Many of you know my daughter Sarah, she will be our main party gal, however we are looking for one more ambitious sales representative. If you are interested please send me a email.

This is wonderful news for our business as well as our customers. The same high quality products you have experienced at Grubbyland will continue. I am thrilled with the additon of my sister to GrubbyLand Candles.

We are also beginning now to book candle parties for mid January and forward, if you want to host a party, please send me a email.

This venture will take GrubbyLand Candles to the next level and I am thrilled to be able to continue to offer our wonderful customers our products again.

7th Chemo and CT results

Well I had my 7th round of chemo yesterday. I also got the results of my ct scan. Slight shrinkage of the colon mass, no shrinkage in the liver, they made comment of a couple of things, possible blood clot or empty sac in my omentum, and a thickening in my colon wall near the tumor. Thickening could be diverticulitis, could be infection, could be from all the upset stomach I have had lately, could be who knows. hoping its not infection. Oh and they do believe there is only 1 tumor on my liver, way different than what Mayo says.

More importantly, my local Dr feels we are reaching the window of opportunity since the liver tumor is not shrinking anymore. He wants me to see a surgeon in January to see if 1- I am a candidate for resection of my liver, 2- may ever be a candidate for surgery 3- will never be a candidate for resection. This could be great news, it could be horrible news. But I said I would like options, and it looks like he has the same need to see if I have options. Obviously Mayo is seeing my CT scans different and I am not sure why or what to do, but we are going to call Mayo and send up my latest scan and ask it be reviewed by the surgeon at Mayo. besides the Oncologist up there I have been working with. My local Dr also works with a liver surgeon at Barnes in St. Louis so he is going to talk to him and we are also making a appt to go tothe university of chicago. I have been researching Univ. of Chicago and I am impressed with their credentials, I keep getting drawn to them so I am going to see what they have to say. At least we will have 3 different opinions. At the very least I have read about many procedures to get a unrestable liver to having a better chance of resectability with RFI, sir spheres, cyber knife, so we will at least be able to look at those options as well.

Well, the neuropathy in my hands is horrible and it is very hard to type with the tingling in my fingers so i will try to update more later.. sure wish they made heated keyboards:)
Thanks for all your prayers, please keep praying for these tumors to just disapear