A great weekend

I had a wonderful weekend. My Sister Debbie came down on friday, she always makes me smile even when I feel my worst. We shopped a little and had lunch.
Saturday my kids held a birthday bash for me and it was a lot of fun. I cried my eyes out at the cards they gave me. I love my kids so much and I know how hard this is on all of them. They are so strong in front of me, but I know it is on their minds always. I hate being a worry to them. I am trying really hard to be strong but some days it's not possible. I get upset over the silliest things sometimes, like watching the race last night and wondering if I would get to see another race.

I am going thru the phantom fever for the last two days. It feels to me like I am running a fever, I am hot to my own touch and freezing cold, but my temperature is 98.2. My temperature has been running 97 since this drama began and who knows why. Some say it is called tumor fever where the tumor puts off heat when it dies, I pray this is it.

My leg muscles aren't sore anymore to walk on so I am thankful for that. I just want these tumors to disapear.
I think, well I know I have a short attention span and I am to the point I want this cancer nightmare to be over. Of coarse, I can't just make that happen right this second so it is taking it's toll on my emotions.

Life can be over in a heartbeat, always remember to tell those you love how much you love them. I pray every day that I can beat this cancer. I talked to a friend today who has cancer and it has spread to her liver. I feel so bad for her, they say she only has 6 months. I told her NO DR is God. I hope she chooses to fight. For now, I choose to fight and I am going to continue to fight. I deserve it and so does everyone around me...when I look into my grandsons eyes, I wonder how I could possibly ever give up.

5th chemo

Today is my 46th Birthday. I go to have my pump removed today from my 5th chemo session. This time my symptoms have been:
Dizzy eyes...where your eyes don't quite want to see the same direction
numbness and tingling in my fingers, toes, and lips
red face
weird achy calves.. my legs don't want to move sometimes
feel like I am running a fever though it has only been99
fatigue
crying, why does chemo always make me cry?

I asked the Dr on wednesday what our plan is, he told me ideally we would continue to see shrinkage and they would submit me for surgery after 12 rounds of chemo, if I am approved for surgery then he would probably send me to mayo for surgery. I would have to stop the avistin part of chemo 1 to 2 months before surgery. If we dont continue to see favorable results they would switch my chemo over to the neuro endocrine chemo, which I will lose my hair. So, everytime I see him, he has a different opinion, it's almost like he doesnt realize which patient he is with.

He also said he is sure this is a neuroendocrine tumor, though mayo says they aren't sure. Of coarse I had to search neuroendocrine tumor and read that the average survival rate is 5 months, so that put me down for the rest of the day..
WHATEVER is what I say to that today!

We sent the ct scans up to mayo for a second look from the doc up there and are awaiting word from them.

I can't wait to get this pump off today, it makes a clicking noise every two minutes as it pumps more poison into my body and I just about can't take it. My sister Debbie is coming to take me as no one would want me driving like this.

The good, the bad and the port hole

It was a great weekend. My family takes such good care of me. I even forgot for awhile that I had cancer. Debbie, my sister has always been the goof ball in the family, always making a reason to laugh and it worked all weekend! It was so great to see my brother and his wife Phyllis, I miss him already and he just left yesterday. He is my big brother and he trys so hard to take care of me. We did dinner at my other sister Sherry's and it was wonderful to get together with all my brothers and sisters.... I cried when I left their house wondering if I will ever be at a family gathering again... They all love me so much. I hope next year we can do thanksgiving at my house.

I had to go to the surgeon yesterday because my port incision has been open in just a tiny place and I realized a stitch is trying to pop thru. He removed the stitch leaving a hole. He said with the avistin(part of my chemo) healing takes so much longer. He also said that the whole thing could just pop wide open and they would have to replace the port... so I am praying that doesn't happen.

I also on a whim called Carle clinic. This is where I had my first colonoscopy. I just wanted to find out how long ago it had been, thinking surely it had been at least 7 years ago, maybe longer. I was shocked when they told me I had the colonoscopy in 2002... only 5 years ago. They didn't say it, but I wonder, did he miss the polyp that turned into cancer in me? Some Dr's say it takes 10 to 15 years for a polyp to turn into cancer. Back in 2002, the Dr made the comment that I shouldn't have been sent for a colonoscopy before they had tried other things to remedy my diarrea. Maybe he rushed through my colonoscopy and missed the most important thing. It really just sucks so bad, because my mind always says what if.. and this brings about another what if. Of coarse it doesn't change where I am now, all I can do is believe that God is healing me and the chemo is working. I know it is, I just know it is

Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes. I appreciate them and need them so badly. Please feel free to leave comments on my blog. Every email, comment and card help me to hang on.

Chemo is tomorrow

Pulling myself up

I am pulling myself up today. I realize that I am going to have to try harder to regain my strength. Today I am cleaning my house, well kinda:) Hubby trys to keep it picked up and my dear daughter in law comes around and helps to clean but it is the day to get off my butt and get some strength back.

Tomorrow and friday are going to be fun days. I am going to my sister, Debbie's to spend a couple of days with her. It's going to be a busy weekend too, I am going wedding dress shopping with my wonderful daughter Sarah and then on Sunday, my sisters, brother and I are having thanksgiving at their house. It will be great to hang out with my brother and sisters. My brother is flying in on Friday from Arizona, so it is going to be a action packed weekend. It's a birthday celebration for my brother and me, since our birthdays are only 10 days apart, it will be a lot of fun. He turned 50 this year! I am still the baby in the family:)

Give me strength to have a great rest of the week

Just feeling blahhh today

I just feel depressed today. I want things to be the way they used to be. I don't like this new normal, not one bit. I am so thankful for everyone that helps me out, calls me and is there for me, but I want things to go back to normal. My family is incredible at helping me out. I have wonderful humans in my life, I just want things to go back to normal... I want to help myself instead of having everyone there to help me. I have always been a private kinda person and I have always been the brains behind the operation, the one that figures out a solution for every problem.. and here I am being helped daily. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for the help I get, I am just so sad for the circumstance.

I want to wake up and not have the first thought that pops into my head be cancer. Cancer took my Mom away from me when I was just 14 years old, why do I have to have cancer now? Didn't I go thru enough losing my Mom at such a young age?

Who's hungry for cardboard?

The chemo cloud is starting to lift. I can feel my strength taking over. Usually it takes a few more days, but I will take it:) My mind is much stronger this time around. As my mind was saying let's go, my body was going ... not gonna happen, so I ended up listening to my body and resting. The last couple of days everything just tastes like cardboard. It is so hard to eat when nothing tastes or even looks good. I have decided I will never eat steak again. They say your tastes change when you have chemo, and for me steak just tastes like dead cow... ugh!

Lots of people have asked me what chemo side effects are, here are just a few
I have what is called first bite syndrome for several days after chemo, ya know how your lips pucker up when you bite a lemon or pickle? Well the back of my mouth near my jaws does that randomly on the first bite of many things I eat.

Neuropathy gets worse as chemo goes on, but thank god, it does go away. No more drinking anything cold, they say my throat could feel like it is seizing up from the cold. Never ever take anything from the freezer or refrigerator without gloves on! It results in immediate pain and tingling in my fingers. When I walk, I put my hands up, cuz hanging my hands down can cause them to get cold, resulting in tingling.
Turn the water on when I first start to use the restroom so it is warm by the time I need to wash my hands.
I miss a nice ice cold pepsi!

Today has been a "10" on the tear scale, chemo has that effect on me, hopefully it goes away. Norm keeps saying no crying today, poor guy.

We have SHRINKAGE!!

I went in on Halloween for Chemo and the results of my CT. The results of the CT read amazing, almost too good to be true, but I believe! It showed a slight shrinkage of the tumor in my colon, no shrinkage of my liver, but it didn't show ANYTHING else. The spot on my kidney was gone, the spots on my omentum were gone, there were no swollen lymph glands. This is a major improvement over what we heard at Mayo cinic. The Dr even talked about having a surgery option at some point in the future. The report at one point talked about lesions on my liver and then at the bottom talked about a lesion on my liver, so my Dr believes there is just one tumor on my liver and even part of that could be cysts. So a VERY good results.

After that it was time for chemo and it helped me to ease into the chemo chair knowing it is working.
I haven't been able to post for a few days cuz the chemo just plain kicked my butt! Yesterday for about 3 hours I had pain in my liver which scares me alot, but it did go away and I just hope that it was the chemo working on getting rid of the tumor in my liver. Today I go get my chemo pump removed so I will have completed round 4 of chemo. My Dr even talked about seeing how I do with chemo and his words were:if I needed a break from it: This is nice to hear because last time he simply said I was on chemo until it quit working.

Thank you all for your prayers, they are working. The power and miracle of God is amazing!

One of my candle angels, Laurie really lifted my spirits when she told me I have a whole fan club praying for me.