Tomorrow I go in for round 9 of chemo. I am depressed today, Last night Norm had to burn copys of my pet and ct scans to send up to Chicago and of coarse he opened up the pet scan... dang it! I had to look and even though I have no clue what I was looking at, I saw spots, lots of spots so I have myself talked into bad news as usual. I have myself questioning why I had to get cancer so bad before I knew it was even there. How could I have not known it was there?
I read yesterday that being very tired is a sign of colon cancer, I remember when my 2 1/2 year old grandson was born and how very tired I was, I was sure I had diabetes and even went to the Dr and asked for a blood test. Why didn't he question me more then? I am so very jealous of people that have stage 3 colon cancer, I know that sounds pretty sick, but dang it, they still get to plan life... I have to pull myself out of this slump I am in. I have been crying for days, and it's not even chemo cry, so how bad will that be once I have chemo? Truth is I am scared, I am just plain SCARED. I have been really hitting the zantacs just to cope, to sleep, to just get away. My sleep has been horrible lately again, so I justify it by taking a zanex to sleep during the day.
I suppose I will hear from the surgeon this week and I am so scared after looking at that pet scan, what if it has grown, I am still holding onto the idea in my head that I have no idea what I was looking at, but it scares me alot.
I had a wonderful week last week, almost like old times, I felt great, I pray for more good days like last week, I pray for continued shrinkage of this cancer... I HATE cancer. I have to pick myself up somehow before tomorrow to get ready to have chemo. Sometimes I just want to runaway. I always said I wouldn't put my family thru the suffering I went thru when my Mom had cancer, I would just run away... I dont think I have enough courage to run away. What am I putting my family thru??????
Psychic Kids
14 years ago
2 comments:
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Tami...I hope you are having a better day today. You should do whatever you need to help you cope-you are in the struggle of your life. No one will judge you :0)
I will pray for you and am constantly thinking of you and trying to send you strength.
I only wish there was something I could do to take your pain & heartache away. Hang in there-we're all hanging with you :)
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