7th Chemo and CT results

Well I had my 7th round of chemo yesterday. I also got the results of my ct scan. Slight shrinkage of the colon mass, no shrinkage in the liver, they made comment of a couple of things, possible blood clot or empty sac in my omentum, and a thickening in my colon wall near the tumor. Thickening could be diverticulitis, could be infection, could be from all the upset stomach I have had lately, could be who knows. hoping its not infection. Oh and they do believe there is only 1 tumor on my liver, way different than what Mayo says.

More importantly, my local Dr feels we are reaching the window of opportunity since the liver tumor is not shrinking anymore. He wants me to see a surgeon in January to see if 1- I am a candidate for resection of my liver, 2- may ever be a candidate for surgery 3- will never be a candidate for resection. This could be great news, it could be horrible news. But I said I would like options, and it looks like he has the same need to see if I have options. Obviously Mayo is seeing my CT scans different and I am not sure why or what to do, but we are going to call Mayo and send up my latest scan and ask it be reviewed by the surgeon at Mayo. besides the Oncologist up there I have been working with. My local Dr also works with a liver surgeon at Barnes in St. Louis so he is going to talk to him and we are also making a appt to go tothe university of chicago. I have been researching Univ. of Chicago and I am impressed with their credentials, I keep getting drawn to them so I am going to see what they have to say. At least we will have 3 different opinions. At the very least I have read about many procedures to get a unrestable liver to having a better chance of resectability with RFI, sir spheres, cyber knife, so we will at least be able to look at those options as well.

Well, the neuropathy in my hands is horrible and it is very hard to type with the tingling in my fingers so i will try to update more later.. sure wish they made heated keyboards:)
Thanks for all your prayers, please keep praying for these tumors to just disapear

Get in the back and be quiet

This is the way I feel today, like I am 5 again and have been told by my parents to just get in the back of the car, leave the driving to them and be quiet. This is how I feel about my life right now, it doesn't matter what I see ahead, I am just supposed to shut up. It's like my feelings don't even matter anymore. I want to find a Dr that believes I have hope, maybe I already have one, I don't even know anymore. I just wish so much that I had options, you know, like when you go to dinner, you get to pick, I don't have options on anything anymore. I get to do what I am told and that's it. My medical options... well there are no options. I get to go have more chemo tomorrow and sit back, shut up and just deal with it. Too bad, that I can still feel the chemo from last round, too bad, just too bad.

I am sorry I am always so negative in my blog. I hope to work on that one day, it's just how I feel today. I am so scared for my results tomorrow, as if it matters anyway, i don't have options, I just get to do what I am told and that's it. When or if a stranger decides I am ready for surgery, it will be "their" option, not mine. I wait for them to decide. I hate feeling so out of control literally in my life.

CT scan today

I had my ct scan as well as a chest xray and blood work today. I won't find out the results until wednesday when I go in for my 7th chemo.

I had a really good weekend, I went to look at wedding dresses with Sarah, she is going to be the most beautiful bride in the world!

Not much else on my mind today, I am so thankful for each miracle I have received and hope and pray my little miracles continue. I am tired today so off to take a nap.

Cancer can NOT control my mind

I wrote that yesterday and it worked on me the whole day. TODAY, cancer will NOT control my mind. I have spent the morning laughing with my sisters on the phone. I actually was laughing out loud after I hung up! That's what I need, more laughter. Going to work on that!

It is supposed to snow up to 4 inches here tonite, I can't wait! I love watching the snow, especially when I don't have to drive in it!

Thank you for your prayers, please keep them going.

Lord give me patience

I am just feeling depressed today. Just sick of being sick and tired of being tired. I keep telling myself to fight but somedays I just need the Lord to give me patience. All good things come to those who wait right?

Honestly, I am starting to stress over my upcoming CT scan on monday. I just want to shake somebodys shoulders and say " hey do you see me breathing here, can ya maybe just take care of the problem so I can get back to normal life, give me the scalpel and I will do my own surgery" but obviously that won't work, I don't know what will work anymore... facing your own mortality isn't ever something your ever prepared for, nor is facing the fight of your life. I want just one normal day to know what was to come back in August, I can't have that now, I can only appreciate what I have... how do you appreciate cancer??????????? I HATE CANCER, I hate how it has changed me and I suppose I need to work on allowing it to change what it can not change and that is my mind... that is why todays title is Lord give me patience.

The serenity prayer works out great too, Accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Am I just too stupid to understand that there is no cure for cancer? But life goes on and "Hope" keeps ringing thru my head. I'm never to stupid or to smart to hope. It's what lifes all about

My husband

This is so tough on him. He trys to hide it so well, but I know it is there. He gets quiet and I know "it" is on his mind. Thank God he has his job and can get away. I am so afraid of leaving him alone someday. I am his strength and he is mine. I hate putting him thru this. This isn't the way it is supposed to be, we are supposed to grow old together. I love him to his core and I hope he knows how sorry I am for putting him through this, it's just not fair. I hope everyone knows how sorry I am for putting them through this, I hate not being able to clean, cook and even work. I HATE CANCER and even worse I HATE what it is putting my family through.

I hope one day I can just be me again, no pain, no chemo, no cancer. My 2 year old grandson said the other day on the phone.. nana still sick.... this precious baby should not have to go through this... I used to keep my grandkids alot of the time, now I just can't even count on how I will feel in the next hour. I miss being with them and having fun with them. My grandkids are the love of my life.

Life just isn't fair! I always thought it would happen to the other guy, this sure does teach me how life can flip in a second. Never miss a second living!

Feeling Great

I feel great this morning. I guess this is a new great. I remember when I was dieting, it takes 21 days to make something a habit. I guess chemo has became a habit. I feel strong today. My legs feel good today. The Dr thinks my problem where my lower legs ache and just don' want to move is from they Oxylaplatin. One of the chemo drugs. I found out it actually contains platinum, no wonder it's so expensive!

My thoughts today are on Christmas. I love Christmas, Norm loves Christmas. It's always been a huge celebration with tons of gifts.. well until this year. I know the reason for the season.. but it's gonna be weird not having a tree filled with gifts for the grandkids. I know it doesn't matter, but it bothers me. I am trying to focus more on the here and now and am so happy I will be able to celebrate Jesus's birthday with my kids and grandkids, perhaps for the first time, it will be what it is supposed to be.

Kristi came over on thursday and decided to put up my small christmas tree. I was so glad, as I wasn't feeling very good. She always comes over the day after my chemo to take care of me and I just hope she knows how much I appreciate her. I hope everyone knows how much I appreciate them taking care of me, I know I am not the easiest to take care of, I know I cry too much and am probably a huge pain in the butt, but never once does anyone tell me that. Every second I am not alone I feel blessed.

Monday Dec. 10th will be my next CT scan. I am always afraid of the results but am praying for more shrinkage and some complete disapearance of tumors. I have to have complete disapearance of some tumors to get to surgery, I know with God anything is possible. Please continue to pray. I think how warped it sounds that I just want to have a surgery that could last many hours and hurt alot when I wake up from it, but that is the only way out of this cancer nightmare. Chemo only works for so long and then things grow again... so I am told. It almost scares me when I feel good today, because it makes me wonder... has the chemo stopped working already... but I know with God anything is possible