This is my biggest dilema now, how to find courage. Let me explain, I read others blogs and in the past few months, I have read about the end of the journey for three wonderful people suffering with this damn disease we call cancer. The first was a few months ago, and after realizing her cancer was outsmarting her chemo, she decided not to go for a second kind of chemo, but to take what time she had left and use it to spend with her son and husband. I was so shocked when I read of this. I couldn't understand in my own mind how she could walk away from a chance to live. This worked on my mind and has since then. The second gal had a rare form of cancer and things went down hill and she was in the hospital for a couple of months,, she had three kids, after some breathing problems, she pushed away the respirator and took her fate instead. Again, I was shocked, I couldnt understand turning away from a chance at life. These have both worked on my mind daily, wondering how could they, why would they, if only and then it hit me. They found the courage to let go, to accept what was. I have been pondering daily how I will find the courage, or if I can find the courage to do what they did. I don't think I have much quality of life left with the pain that has taken over my every moment for the past few months. I always say, I wish I could have back yesterday, because yesterday was better than today. I don't wanna be a quitter, but I don't wanna be a fool, and I think I am already both. If I had stopped chemo long ago, I could have had some quality time, but I didn't, I wasnt couragous enough to say no more. For the past several weeks while I pondered the question of more chemo or no more chemo, I wanted to be done with chemo, but I didn't have the courage to say no, I could only put it off. Everything in life teaches you something, and these two couragous women have helped me to understand what true courage is. At least I finally get it. I don't know if I will ever be couragous enough to say no more. I want to be, I can't even understand how I have fought this cancer for the past 16 months. What made that time different than now? Was it hope? Did I have more hope than I do now? Truly I believe it was pain, physical pain brings this cancer to light, it lets me know that it is real, and it is in control. I hate it more and more every day. I am losing my mind, wonderinf if I can find courage. Or, Am I being couragous opting for more chemo now, or is it about what I think my family wants me to do? The truth is I am dying of cancer, I knew this 16 months ago, yet chose treatment, so why oh why is it so hard to choose treatment now? At what point do I say no more? Am I even there yet?
This has to be the biggest feel sorry for myself day that I have had since being diagnosed with cancer. It's not fair, I don't like it, and how have I kept my mind all of this time knowing I am dying with cancer? This shouldn't be a surprise to me now, yet it is, it's like revisiting 16 months ago, when that Dr looked me in the eye and said, there is no cure, all we can do is prolong your life............God Help me to put all of this at peace in my mind. I don't like the Tami I am since my diagnosis and I don't want to take that Tami to heaven. I want the old me back, I want everything that I had in early August 07 back, I want to kick and scream and demand this cancer go awqy, I want to fix this and I can't. I am ashamed to say, when I said "it is what it is" I was kidding myself, I was lying to myself. I thought I could be the miracle, you know when the chips are down, I can figure out a plan? Well I can't this time, and I don't know how to get thru the next second. I HATE cANCER, I hate what it is doiong to me and to my family, and to my friends and to complete strangers reading my blog, God Help me
Psychic Kids
14 years ago
12 comments:
I am praying for you! May God give you the peace and clarity that you are seeking!
Tami - Do what makes you happy. Now is the time to just do what you want. What would make you feel better at this time minute, hour, etc. Live for you.
Kathy
Tami I'll pray for the answers and peace you need. You have been through so much and I doubt there is many of us who could handle it or put up the fight you have...please don't doubt that you are one courageous woman and I hope you won't second guess any decision you've made. You've followed your instincts and they've gotten you a long ways. Follow them with this decision and I know your family will support you...love, Brenda
I think you already have more courage than all of us put together, and strength too. They must be intermingled.
I know this will sound nutty - but - what do you think heaven is like? Maybe because I had all those years of Catholic school....but I truly think heaven is not such a bad place.
I have also been an AA member for many many years - my last drink was Nov.23rd, 1986. It has been drummed into my head so long ago- that if I picked up a drink again I would be starting back just where I left off. Which was a horrible place...To me.. hell - here on earth - would be if I drank again. Now - don't know where I am going with this...because I can't quit smoking - even if it is clogging my heart stents.I guess that shows how messed up my thoughts of heaven and hell are....
You will know in your heart when "enuff is enuff." I am such a baby about "pain" - but don't know if that would be my tipping point. Maybe......\
Is stopping chemo your "enuff is enuff?? I think you are right on about accepting...... My brother died of the complications of diabetes when he was 36 - he once said to my Mom - "Mom - I'm dying, you know." and her reply has resounded in my head - to this day.......She said "We all are, Billy , each and every one of us. Every morning when we get up we are one day closer ."
I don't ever want to say anything that hurts you, or pushes you someplace you don't want to be....or have to think about.
So - will send hugs and kisses, and peaceful pleasant thoughts....like a beautiful sunrise .
love from Rosemary
Tami: I have known you long enough that I trust you to make the right decisions. I know your family tusts you too. the only way to go is your gut feeling. go with it and always trust in the Lord..............Barb
Pain does awful things to your brain -- clouding judgment is one of them. You're lucky you can rely on Norm to help you make decisions. You will both know if and when it's time. Until then, you just keep on kicking!
Wishing you all the best, the lounge queen
Having lived with my mom through her cancer and her transitions, I don't think it is a matter of courage in itself, Tami. And courage is not something you are lacking! But just a personal "knowing".
I think Rosemary put it very well. We each wake up one day closer to the transition of death. Only in our own heart can we know which morning is our last. I think that, as long as you are wondering about it, it's not your day.
Take care, Tami & Norm. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Kuri & Zyre
I think you will know when the time comes to let go Tami. A peace will come over you and you will be ready.
Tami -
I cannot imagine what you are going through ... but I do know that you are one courageous lady. How do you decide when to give up - I don't think anyone knows that answer, it is something between you and God. I believe you will know when it is time to stop the chemo - I agree with anonymous - you will feel peace and let go for a better place with no pain.
I think you worry about leaving your family and mostly Norm - that is in itself agony. As much as they love you, I don't think they want to see you suffer and they don't want you to die. Oh Tami, I pray for relief and peace for you.
Just know you are not letting anyone down - your body is letting you down. Cancer may take your body, but not your love and spirit.
Blessings,
Nanc
If you would, please light a candle for Tami. Thank you.
http://www.dotsphinx.com/lightacandle/public/add/?thread=18799
You have the courage to make your decision. Maybe it's a fear of the unknown that masks itself as doubt and when there's doubt there's no courage?
You have an unbelieveable amount of courage to take the path to fight so I doubt you lack the courage to make this decision.
You will make the decision you feel is right for you regardless of where you have been and what you have done. Maybe it's coming to peace with what decision you make? I don't know the answers. I just don't view your entry as a pity party, but a legitimate question.
Tami I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers so much these last few days. Thanks for being my friend...love, Brenda
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