Getting ready for round 11

I guess I title my blog so I know what treatment I am on. This has been a usual after chemo week, well kinda. I had horrible pain on Friday, Norm ended up taking off work, rushing home and taking me to the Dr. By the time we got to the Dr the pain was all but gone. The new pain pill took awhile to work but when it did, I was a drugged puppy. I am scared of this next chemo, I remember how bad I felt with the last one, I hope I am just not too stupid to know when enough is enough, I pray I get thru another treatment. It scares me alot. I suppose I read too much on the internet and know what can happen.

I made a appt with another surgeon in St. Louis for March 10th. I am not sure what else to do. Norm's Dad asked me what did I expect to gain from going to another Dr, I am not sure, hope I suppose, a girls gotta try right? Besides, it's my part of the not giving up. I try to be realistic, but sometimes that just leads to so much negativity in my mind, I am not sure most days what to do. I know that cancer will eventually take my life, but the hope part of me says to keep fighting, keep trying, keep searching for the answer and many days I know I already know "the" answer but perhaps I can't just accept it, that's the hard part, the absolute hardest part of all. How do I look into my husbands eyes and know that one day I won't be here anymore?

I hate cancer, I hate what it has given to me, and I hate even more what it has taken away from me. I hate that it steals away most moments in my life. I have about 15 seconds when I first wake up that I am me again, and then that bastardly cancer enters my mind again. I hate that people look at me weird when I am out anywhere, I know I look sick, I KNOW, I hate the way people look at the wires placed to far out from my port to my neck, yes I know I look like frankenstein, it's the only option they gave me for getting what they call my life prolonging medicine. I hate that stupid Dr that put the "fat" people port in me and it sticks out like a sore thumb. I asked Norm to make them take it out when I die, I don't want to take it with me to heaven.