update

Thank you all for your prayers. There will be no surgery

Prayer warriors

University of chicago, Dr Posners office just called, he is not sure on the surgery so he is presenting it t the entire board at noon today, Please pray to put the power into their hands to make the right decision on surgery today.

A tough round of chemo

This has been a really tough round of chemo this time. hour to hour I am not sure how I am going to feel. I feel so badly for not understanding when the elderly say they are just worn out, I know what they mean now. I can go from great to no energy, lay down or pass out in an hours tme. I am hoping this goes away soon, like it usually does. I hope it is the chemo working, killing off the cancer cells. I am experiencing a slight pain in my left side, feels like a pain you get when you have been running. I have tried walking, sitting laying down, and rotating sides and it just seems to be hanging in there. Not horrible pain, but uncomfortable.

Eating just isn't fun anymore, I remember when I was my heaviest at 181 pounds and was completely addicted to food, I loved food, that's how I got to be so heavy! I think I am hungry now for something but after a few bites, it just tastes bad. I am also growing oh so tired of not being able to drink anything cold. Water is getting really boring, thank goodness for the invention of juice boxes. They taste pretty good at room temperature. You should hear the conversations I have had with waitresses at restaurants when I ask for room temperature water... so funny, when they look at me like I am from Mars and proclaim, no it comes out cold. I have learned just to smile and ask if they could maybe microwave it for me, and explain that I have cold sensitivity from dental work...

I noticed this morning that my toes are starting to peel, I have read that could happen from the oxalyplatinum. I have been told they take many people off of it early because of the symptoms, but as I told my Dr, I will live with numb, tingly feet and hands if it will kill off the cancer, I happily make that trade off, but I wonder will I go past the point of no return with it?

Still no word from the surgeon, I am starting to get annoyed, I wonder if they are laughing, thinking how could someone be referred for surgery with so much cancer or are they looking at the possibilities. I hope it's the latter.

I have been printing labels and getting everything ready for candle parties, I am so glad I still have a role in the business, it gives me purpose. I need purpose. Things are really starting to take shape for grubbyland and I couldn't be happier. My sister is becoming quite the candle maker, she is so awesome for doing this. I think she must be crazy sometimes, but I also think she is having fun and am so thankful for her taking over my biz.

Ok, I am rambling now, but whatelse do I have to do??? Thanks for the comments on my last post Barb and Jackie, you gals are so awesome!

9th round complete

I went to the new Dr for chemo this time, the experience there was like a new day. The nurses are so cheery and helpful. It was quite noisy there, and as usual they sat me next to a talker. Really nice older man that has been battling cancer since 1994.. wow! The nurses are wonderful, sitting down to explain my bloodwork to me, nd throughout the treatment. Treatment took forever, well 6 hours, but it seemed as if they were administerating everything like they should have all along. The nurses were shocked when I told them I was getting chemo in sometimes 2 hours at the other place. The new nurse told me, just one of the drugs they are giving me is to be dosed for 2 hours alone, not counting the others.. things that make ya go hmmmmm. See why I am liking this other Dr????

The tingliness in my hands and feet have gotten worse, even touching a door handle felt like i had been shocked, even typing today the fingers are tingling badly.
They did withhold the avastin, while waiting to hear from the surgeon, which I still have no word from, I am hopeful that is good news rather than bad, perhaps he is figuring out what he can do for me instead of what he can't do. I am worried about not getting the avastin, but perhaps they know better than I do. I still haven't gotten the results from last weeks ct and pet scan either. I imagine it is lost in my Dr cahnging this week. I really like the new Dr, there seems to be a huge wait, but I can deal with it for the better attitude there. They toldme yesterday that they hope to have my ct results on tuesday when I have a Dr appt. It's so unreal that difference in Dr's offices, they are going to recheck my blood on tuesday as they want to see what the chemo is doing to me, novel idea I hadn't heard of before.

My sister Sherry took me to chemo, Thank God for her. I don't think, no I know I couldn't do this without my sisters. Getting rides to appt's has been nearly impossible. Norm has been using up his vacation time already and I hate that as I hope we will need that for surgery.. nice thought huh? what are you gonna do on vacation this year.. well we are hoping my wife can have a major surgery that can lengthen her life.. ah hell, who needs to go on a cruise anyways?

The side effects seem less this time overall, so I am going to try to enjoy my weekend. Thanks for all your prayers, please keep praying for me, I just know it is working!

Also I want to say how much I appreciate your comments on my blog. People have asked if I can see them, YES, thank you so much. You don't have to sign up for a account to post a comment just choose anonymous. Every call, card, comment and visit I get helps me to have strength to get through this. Thank you all so very much for commenting. Some people have asked me how can they comment on my blog, just click on comments at the bottom of each post and there will be a box to type in your comments.

Getting ready for Round 9

Tomorrow I go in for round 9 of chemo. I am depressed today, Last night Norm had to burn copys of my pet and ct scans to send up to Chicago and of coarse he opened up the pet scan... dang it! I had to look and even though I have no clue what I was looking at, I saw spots, lots of spots so I have myself talked into bad news as usual. I have myself questioning why I had to get cancer so bad before I knew it was even there. How could I have not known it was there?

I read yesterday that being very tired is a sign of colon cancer, I remember when my 2 1/2 year old grandson was born and how very tired I was, I was sure I had diabetes and even went to the Dr and asked for a blood test. Why didn't he question me more then? I am so very jealous of people that have stage 3 colon cancer, I know that sounds pretty sick, but dang it, they still get to plan life... I have to pull myself out of this slump I am in. I have been crying for days, and it's not even chemo cry, so how bad will that be once I have chemo? Truth is I am scared, I am just plain SCARED. I have been really hitting the zantacs just to cope, to sleep, to just get away. My sleep has been horrible lately again, so I justify it by taking a zanex to sleep during the day.
I suppose I will hear from the surgeon this week and I am so scared after looking at that pet scan, what if it has grown, I am still holding onto the idea in my head that I have no idea what I was looking at, but it scares me alot.

I had a wonderful week last week, almost like old times, I felt great, I pray for more good days like last week, I pray for continued shrinkage of this cancer... I HATE cancer. I have to pick myself up somehow before tomorrow to get ready to have chemo. Sometimes I just want to runaway. I always said I wouldn't put my family thru the suffering I went thru when my Mom had cancer, I would just run away... I dont think I have enough courage to run away. What am I putting my family thru??????

Updates, lots of them

Well I had been feeling since last thursday that Mayo was going to call, and they did on Friday. They said no to surgery at this time, They say even though they believe lots on my liver is just scar tissue, there is just too much cancer, they also talked about an area in my pelvis, this is the first I had heard of this, but they acted like it was nothing new. They didn't talk to the surgeon there, so who knows.

So on Tuesday, we went to the Univ. of Chicago to see the surgeon there, unfortunately we knew even before we arrived that we didn't have all of my records that I had been working hard to get and was promised everything was there from my oncologists office, too bad on Monday night when I opened the packet, it wasn't all there. There were 4 ct discs in the packet so I thought at least we had the ct scans. Well even more disapointment as the surgeon said, I had every scan except for the one view he needed from the last scan.. ARGH! So, he couldn't give me a yes or no to surgery, so there is still hope from him. I have to get that one, along with the pet scan I will have tomorrow and the ct scan I will have on Monday and send them all up to him and then he will give me a call. I am starting to have a love hate relationship with my cell phone, never know what kind of news I am going to get. So I imagine it will be late next week when I hear back from them.

I made the decision to change oncologists after a few more mess ups with my Dr. My new Dr says I have lots of options and seems more hopeful than I do, so that is aBIG change from my old oncologist that uttered his first words to me as .. do you wanna know how long you have.

More patience for me I suppose, not easy but again what choice do I have? Thanks for the prayers all, keep them coming, I'm not done fighting this beast yet!

8th Chemo complete

This round of chemo is different than the last, I almost immediately felt nauseated and it continued into the second day. My throat and mouth started bothering me on day 3. I have this pressure pain that started on sunday and continues on and off. It is on my left side. My Dr says as long as something doesn't stay, not to be concerned about it. He was vague again this time, which he seems to be every other time. Maybe it's just me. I asked him again about the difference in opinion on the ct scans and even though he was supposed to be checking from the first one, he said well it's just different perceptions. huh???? The numbness in my hands and feet are staying with me now, rather than going away. My Dr hasn't had time to contact the surgeon in St. Louis, says probably next week. Lord give me patience. I am glad he has all the time in the world, but I don't. I guess my impatience shows up sometimes, but then I think, why shouldn't it?

I am nervous about the next week. Next week, I hope we get some doors opened for us, some options with going to Chicago, I am also waiting to hear back from Mayo's surgeon. I am also looking at MD anderson in houston. They are the leader in cancer. I just feel like maybe I am the one missing the point. I am lucky to be alive, and it seems those around me don't question the Dr's so maybe they already know the inevitable.. but all I have is hope and I have to keep striving for life

My Dr also ordered a pet scan after I told him how surprised Chicago was that I hadn't had one. Funny how I have been asking since day one for a pet scan and they wouldn't give me one, Sometimes he plays follow the leader, scares me sometimes. So now I am scared bout the pet scan, what if it shows more cancer, but then again, what if it shows less? I read now that even pet scans can show false readings, Wouldn't ya think by now, they would have a way to know what is and isn't cancer? What if I only have cancer in my colon? I can dream, and I do. I told my husband, wouldn't it be neat if I went and found out I just have cancer in my colon and they could just do surgery and I would be healed?

Some days I just have to put my cancer in a drawer, it has become a obsession and sometimes I just have to put it away for the day.
Thank you for your continued prayers, I pray that I am with the right Dr's and they can do something to rid me of this nasty thing we call cancer. This week, I have felt guilty about putting my loved ones thru this. It's not fair to them. It's just not fair, but I guess that's the way life works. Norm seems to just gel with the situation, he is my rock and I am thankful for him. My baby daughter even knows to just say it's ok Mom, when I have the chemo crys. I want to be there for her so much more than my body will allow me to. I never ever once stopped to think what happens when your mind is strong but your body is weak, I know that feeling now. I laugh at the times in the past that I said I just didn't have the energy, HA! I would love to have that energy that I didn't feel I had in the past. Sometimes my body just stops