Isn't it sad...

Isn't it sad the the roots of Chemotherapy can be traced back to the use of Mustard gas used to kill people back in World War I, the fact that we spend so much on military and killing people and we accidentally found out it can help with Cancer, Imagine where we would be if all that money was spent in the War on Cancer. Dont take me wrong, I am not naive, I know that we need a military, that the world is not mature enough to survive without military might, but just take a second to imagine what the collective world powers could do with Cancer if they really tried... nice dream isnt it.

8 months later and I am still kicking... another first down, awaiting the next...

Happy Aniversary Tami...

14 years ago today...

Entering Fall...

So the weekend before last was the Apple Pork Fest in Clinton, me and Tami would go every year, I would usually complain about it but we always went and it was always fun regardless. Luckily this year I was able to trick Deb into going with me, I had asked her a while back if she would help me close the pool. So she came down that same weekend, helped me close the pool and we went and walked around the festival for a while. It was a good time. And that Sunday turned out to be a great day.

Beyond that I have been doing pretty good, keeping busy with the new position at work, and trying to adjust my personal life from eating out every meal to getting back to cooking for myself, which hasn't been easy, or the least bit successful. I am feeling like its about time for another family get-together, maybe a spaghetti night or something.

Its hard to believe its Fall already, that the leaves are turning and that its almost what would have been mine and Tami's 14th anniversary. I did decide to do something special for it. One of Tami's biggest fears is that she would eventually be forgotten or not thought about. It was hard to comfort her and assure her that wouldn't happen. So here we are close to the 14th and it hit me, I always wanted a Tattoo, I never knew of what really, probably something goofy or geeky knowing me, but then it hit me "Nothing Else Matters". It made perfect sense. What better way to make sure everyone knew I would never forget by wearing that on my arm forever. I couldn't think of a better way. So a friend turned me on to "I'm no Angel" in Peoria with an artist named Wanda who had been doing this for 20+ years. Every bit of it was a perfect experience, during the design she knew what wanted better than I did, and she was a funny and all around great person to have given me my first tattoo. Did it hurt? Inside my arm was pretty tender but lets say what Tami went thru for a year and a half makes anything I have did that night pail in comparison.

My mom will probably ground me when she finds out but that's ok, wont be the first time :).

Hello all

Hello blog world, well it's 11pm on a Sunday, probably the worst time of the week, the weekends over, any fun or excitement I had this weekend has dwindled away. Everyone is asleep or heading to bed shortly, the work week is about to take off and I am just alone, so I figured I'd come post more randomness.

I was thinking about this blog the other day, and the fact that I have not changed much about what Tami set up sometime ago when she began her fight. And I was thinking that maybe it would be misleading if someone new came along and started reading it only to see where it is at now.

Now lets say even if I wanted to edit the description of the blog that I could, what would I put, I dont think anything but what Tami wrote fits any better. At first thought you might think that she lost the battle, and certainly she was taken away from me, all of us, but I like to think she won it the only way she could. She beat cancer the only way she could in the fact that it no longer causes her pain or makes her suffer.

I would hope that this blog would give others strength and hope, even though its outcome isn't the best case scenario, sometimes things just dont work out the way we want them to. I know that she has given me so many gifts to move forward in life.

So there you go, some random musings once again, sitting here alone and thinking about everything and nothing at all.

Good Night All, and have a good week...

Patrick Swayze and other random musings....

We lost yet another one, I am sure everyone heard about Patrick Swayze of course. It should just be an eye opener to everyone how deadly and how little we really know about cancer. I still feel bad, when someone mentioned Patrick Swayze way back when, how terrible it was he had cancer, and I would say something like I wish we had all his money to deal with it, it didn't help him, and after his TV special when he talked about his ordeal and how it mirrored Tami's I knew that money doesn't buy love, or life.

Fun Patrick Swayze Memory

So I'm doin pretty good, I feel like I really mad a big turn at 6 months, as well as some things I have read and just all the self-reflection my free time allows. The big thing is what do I want to do with this part of my life, dwell on sadness or turn my attention towards taking what good I can from everything and make a better person out of myself. I think the second one sounds better. That has nothing to do with forgetting Tami or anything like that, that would never happen, but I need to take her advice, and move forward, find people and things to channel myself in. I asked Nancy at work if I could run next year, so next year I will do the Bloomington to Peoria run for St Jude again, I want to be active in the fund raising and make a difference. On that note, Sept 28 is "The Big Day" at all Chilli restaurants, all proceeds from that day go to St Jude's so treat yourself to dinner or lunch that day.

Anyways, as I said I am doin good, work has been hectic, but thats good for me, I made a freind or 2 and its good to talk with someone my age and that can relate to me on an adult level, not that I would trade my discussion of the Bloomington sewage treatment plant with McKayla and Korban for the world, but you know, a freind is a nice thing to have.

You also might have noticed I am not updating every weekend, I am trying to break my cycles, to do things when I feel like it, not because I scheduled it. Anyways, thanks to everyone that stops by and leaves a comment of support, its all really appreciated even still.

6 months...

So for those of you not on my Facebook, here is a link to a little video I put together.

Tribute to Tami

As well, here is a link to the Kenny Wallace Fan car he ran in Montreal this weekend, I had Tami's name put on there, and she ended up top row, almost in the middle on the hood, pretty cool.

Kenny Wallace Fan Car

So here we are at 6 months, it still boggles my mind that we are, one, even here doing this, two that I have been doing it for 6 months. I really braced myself for the 28th. I mean really prepped myself for the worst. I was kinda down most of the week, then come Friday morning, I woke up to a gloomy rainy day and thought, Tami would be pissed that I am giving this day any credit at all, and she would be right. It's tough not to count, but then I am doing what she told me not to do, and that is to keep living in cancer.

I feel like I might have turned a corner Friday, of course soon as I say that I will be curled up in the corner in the fetal position, but right now I feel like I want to move forward, I want to start living with the tings I learned from this whole experience, to take what good is possible out of this and make myself a better person. That doesn't mean I stop thinking about, loving or remembering Tami. Heck I will never stop loving Tami, anyone that might come into my life in the future will have to accept that, and to be honest I wouldn't want any friends in my life that couldn't understand and/or accept that. I am who I am today because of Tami, nothing can change that now.

So I think I want to move forward, stop letting cancer have anymore of my life, remember the good and happy times me and Tami shared, open myself to enjoy good and happy times now, and create good and happy times for my freinds and family. Tami beat cancer, not how she wanted to, she would have rather beat it and stayed with all of us, but that wasn't in the cards, and she beat it the only way she could. She doesn't have cancer anymore, she isn't in pain, or taking poison, she beat cancer.

I want to continue to honor Tami when and where I can, I think the best way to do that now is to show how much of a better person I am having known her. I learned so much about myself, good and bad, and I hope to make sure I remember all those lessons going forward.

Inspired

So Liz's response to my last post has inspired me to thank some people that either I haven't taken the time to, haven't had a chance to, or haven't thanked enough. Now this is just a partial list, and by no means could I thank everyone that help me and Tami out in one blog post. As well, this isn't in any order nor is it meant to say anyone was more appreciated than anyone else, so no hurt feelings if I dont include you, anyone that did anything, from a simple card to whatever has my thanks and gratitude for life, I'm just not good and following thru on these things, so I am gonna give it a shot today, why now, cuz I rather not focus on the coming week.

So Liz Hunter, I am gonna start with you as you inspired this post. I know how much you meant to Tami how much of a freind you were to her during her treatments. That you two talked alot and shared alot, me and Tami were best friends, and didn't feel the need to have a lot of friends outside of that. That was all well and good when things were fine, but when we started going through all this we found out that friends weren't a bad thing to have. I know that Tami was able to talk with Liz when she needed to talk to someone, and that someone outside the family sometimes has a different perspective, and I knew Tami greatly appreciated this. I know that Liz was a true friend to Tami and that Tami could trust her to be there for her. I found out the hard way that some people that claim to be freinds aren't always as true, but thats for another post. Anyways, as we got near the end Liz was a huge help to both of us, she was there when we needed someone and she did things that I didn't expect of her, and I cant say enough how much I appreciate it. Liz I am not good about returning calls, I haven't ignored one from you, believe it or not I just missed them. I am sorry I haven't talked to you in the past 6 months, you deserve better from me, and I am very grateful that you were in our lives.

My big sisters, Sherry and Deb (actually Tami's sisters but dont tell). Both of you are very different, and were there for us and me in very different ways, but every moment you gave to us was special and I cant thank you both enough for all of it. Deb, your phone calls always brought a smile to my face even at the lowest points. The support you gave me I could never repay in a million years. Sherry, all the times you came down to help Tami, to take her to appointments or near the end to just be with her, I cant explain how much that meant to us, and how much that help not just Tami but me. The trip to Mayo ended crappy but the journey was at least bearable with your love and support. The support you gave not only Tami, but me was so huge I cant put into words what it meant, you didn't have to be there for me, you dont have to be there for me, but you were, and still are and I cant ever thank you enough. The dinners, the trips, the benefit, Grubbyland Candles, all of it. Thank You.

Sarah, my daughter. I dont know what it was, or why, but she was my little girl from the day I met her Feb 7th, 1995. I dont know why or how, and I can look back on the times that things were a little rough, she didn't make it easy for me, trust me. But then again what teenager makes it easy on their parents anyways? I know I made it rough for mine many times. But I dont think I really understood what our relationship had become till all this happened with her mom. She was there for me as much as she was for her mom, she allowed me the honor of walking her down the asile at her wedding, when I needed someone to talk to she was and is there for me, when I needed it she shows me tough love, I always worried that I would never feel that unconditional love you have with a child, because I was just a step father, she proved me wrong on that, that I could make mistakes and she wouldn't disown me, that I am her father, and she is my daughter. I dont know how I would have made it through these past few months without her around. And I cant thank her enough for all she has done for me, and for being Sarah.

Nancy Hoover, Nancy is a character, I need only tell the story of my first encounter with her at OSP, remember Nancy? The phone call you had me make? yeah, no worries I wont go into it. Tami loved Nancy since the time they started talkin after Tami started making candles, they became friends, and when all this began, Nancy was a big help were she could be. Anytime anything went on at work, after Tami made sure I was okay, she would always ask about Nancy. I know that Nancy did a lot to help us out where she could and that she talked with Tami quite a bit as well. Nancy also came over to stay with Tami in the end, and I know how much Tami appreciated everything you did for us. I hide a lot of stuff from OSP, saying things were going okay when they might not have been as okay as I let on, but in the end Nancy really helped us out, and even now keeps on trying to help, and I am still as stubborn as ever, luckily Nancy has got me beat on the stubborn front.

Vicki Maurer, I hope I spelled her last name right. Vicki works with Dr Benson at Northwestern in Chicago. Now anyone that knows me, knows how critical I am of medical personnel, nurses, doctors, etc. There are many that we encountered that I would not take my dogs to if there was an emergency. That is not to say there weren't good, great people out there as well. Vicki was great, if not the greatest person we came across. Its hard to find light in the darkness of chemo treatments, but Vicki made them bearable, she made herself available for us anytime, even when we called with a problem or request she did her very best to make those requests happen. I wish I had never met anyone in this cancer field, but because I had to, I am glad that Vicki was part of that. And I stand by one of my last statements to Dr Benson, she deserves a big fat raise. I pray that no one has to go thru what we have gone thru, but I know the fact is that some will. If you are lucky, you will have an angel like Vicki taking care of you or your loved one. One day I will get back up there and thank her in person.

Mom & Dad, everyone expects their parents to do everything they can for you, not everyone has parents that will. I do, they have been nothing but perfect thru everything I have been thru, not just for me, their son, but Tami as well. I know Tami felt loved, and that Tami felt as if they were her parents as well. In the last 2 years, they came down a total of 3 times from Canada to help us out, the last time at little more than a moments notice to be here for me and Tami when she slipped away. Tami got her favorite mom meal just days before she passed away, and I can imagine having been alone in the days after. I dont thank my parents enough, but they dont do it for the thanks, they just do it because that's who they are. If I am half the man my dad is, I'll be doin okay in life.

There was so many more people I could and will thank in time, this is just a small list of those people, and I hope people see this for just that, and that if I didnt list you yet, that your help is not appreciated.

This will be a tough week, everyone tells me not to count the days, or mark the dates, I cant help it, it just pops up.

As a side note, and at the risk of sounding a little crazy, I think I heard Tami on Saturday night, just a word, but I think it was her. Least that's my story, and I am sticking with it...