The holidays... they suck rocks

I love Christmas, love love love it, I know people bitch about the costs, the busy stores, the cold weather, etc, but I love it... I love putting up lights, the tree decorations, making cookies with the kids, all of it. But this year its a little tougher, the Christmas movies with the sappy moments are impossible for me to watch right now, I can only do a little bit at a time, its hard to dress up the house for me a couple dogs and a cat.

I think I have pushed myself pretty hard to move forward, and its all rushing back on me now. I think I stepped places I wasn't ready to step yet, but I am always pushing myself harder than I should, putting higher expectations up for myself than I do others. I am trying to pull the reins in a little and focus on myself, something I am not good at, its tough cuz I dont think everyone gets that, I mean get the token "I lost someone too, I know what its like" but really I dont know how it is for them, they dont know how it is for me.

Thanksgiving went well, better than I expected, I managed to make Tami's stuffing, it was a little too moist and over seasoned, but I saw people go back for seconds, whether they were pitty seconds I dont know, I doubt it though. Everything went well though. I had a good time, I think the kids did as well. I got to hold 2 babies at once while everyone else ate, 2 babies that Nana never got to old, and I feel horribly guilty about that... and I hope nobody saw my eyes get a little juicy, I moved alot so I dont think anyone noticed...

I started Christmas shopping, each year it seems we gain more grandbabies, and each year money is spread a little thinner, this year doubly so, I'm not complaining, besides the fact I would like to buy everyone everything they want, but I am thinking I will have to be pretty skimpy, I know its not the amount you buy or spend, but I always like watching the kids open up presents, and the more they have to open the longer they stay at the house...

I still dont know how I am gonna make it thru the next couple months, sometimes I feel like I am having trouble breathing, I can feel myself stressed beyond belief, I stop communicating mid conversation just cuz I ball up on the couch, and they get mad at me, but there is nothing I can do, I gotta do what I gotta do or I wont make it through Christmas Eve alone... New years Eve alone, I have to, I have to do this year alone so maybe next year I can do them with someone...

PS, if you noticed you have to log in to leave a comment now, sorry but someone was hitting older posts with spam so I had to do it.

Citizen Norm

So today I went for my Interview for Citizenship in Chicago, and I am now unofficially an American Citizen, I still have to go for my ceremony in Springfield the next time the do one, but my application was approved today. It's a little bittersweet, like everything else, I know it was important to Tami that I get that done, and I did, but she wasn't here to see it. It's nice to have another thing off the worry list though, specially this time of year.

Next up? Thanksgiving dinner... ack! It hit me a couple days ago that I have to pull all this together with out her, I was always a gopher and she was the planner, now I have to do both, means cooking stuff I don't even eat, and I have to sit down with Tami's instructional video we made last year on how to make her stuffing. I am sure everything will be fine, as fine as it can be, but its just another one of those firsts to bust through.

November 16th

Happy Birthday Tami...

Here we are...

It's still so surreal everyday, everything that happens to me, everything I go thru, good and bad. Here I am closing in on 9 months, Tami's Birthday, Thanksgiving. Just when I think everything is going fine it all hits me all over again. I guess the toughest thing for me now is over analyzing myself, questioning my actions, judging myself. It's not like I am doing anything bad, its just moving forward and trying to determine if I am doing things right, I know I am the only one that will know what that is, and nobody else's opinion should impact that, that said I am my own worst critic.

Me and Tami talked about so much, and I dont know what if any of it she shared with others close to her, about how she wanted me to move forward, to carry on, to act going forward. So many things seem so very uncomfortable without her around, and what is so very disturbing at times is the things that are starting to feel comfortable without her. I know that's part of the healing and that is where I am supposed to be headed, but it feels like I am lossing little bits of Tami by becoming independent of her.

So here I am, trying to find myself in this new environment, trying to figure out who I am now, and where I am heading, so tough looking back and seeing all the little forks in the road and where they might have taken you, and looking forward realizing how profound choices are it makes it tough to move, and then when you do, peoples reactions can send you into a head spin just thinking of what might or could happen. It really comes down to being a very daunting task heading out alone.

Isn't it sad...

Isn't it sad the the roots of Chemotherapy can be traced back to the use of Mustard gas used to kill people back in World War I, the fact that we spend so much on military and killing people and we accidentally found out it can help with Cancer, Imagine where we would be if all that money was spent in the War on Cancer. Dont take me wrong, I am not naive, I know that we need a military, that the world is not mature enough to survive without military might, but just take a second to imagine what the collective world powers could do with Cancer if they really tried... nice dream isnt it.

8 months later and I am still kicking... another first down, awaiting the next...

Happy Aniversary Tami...

14 years ago today...

Entering Fall...

So the weekend before last was the Apple Pork Fest in Clinton, me and Tami would go every year, I would usually complain about it but we always went and it was always fun regardless. Luckily this year I was able to trick Deb into going with me, I had asked her a while back if she would help me close the pool. So she came down that same weekend, helped me close the pool and we went and walked around the festival for a while. It was a good time. And that Sunday turned out to be a great day.

Beyond that I have been doing pretty good, keeping busy with the new position at work, and trying to adjust my personal life from eating out every meal to getting back to cooking for myself, which hasn't been easy, or the least bit successful. I am feeling like its about time for another family get-together, maybe a spaghetti night or something.

Its hard to believe its Fall already, that the leaves are turning and that its almost what would have been mine and Tami's 14th anniversary. I did decide to do something special for it. One of Tami's biggest fears is that she would eventually be forgotten or not thought about. It was hard to comfort her and assure her that wouldn't happen. So here we are close to the 14th and it hit me, I always wanted a Tattoo, I never knew of what really, probably something goofy or geeky knowing me, but then it hit me "Nothing Else Matters". It made perfect sense. What better way to make sure everyone knew I would never forget by wearing that on my arm forever. I couldn't think of a better way. So a friend turned me on to "I'm no Angel" in Peoria with an artist named Wanda who had been doing this for 20+ years. Every bit of it was a perfect experience, during the design she knew what wanted better than I did, and she was a funny and all around great person to have given me my first tattoo. Did it hurt? Inside my arm was pretty tender but lets say what Tami went thru for a year and a half makes anything I have did that night pail in comparison.

My mom will probably ground me when she finds out but that's ok, wont be the first time :).