November 16th

Happy Birthday Tami...

Here we are...

It's still so surreal everyday, everything that happens to me, everything I go thru, good and bad. Here I am closing in on 9 months, Tami's Birthday, Thanksgiving. Just when I think everything is going fine it all hits me all over again. I guess the toughest thing for me now is over analyzing myself, questioning my actions, judging myself. It's not like I am doing anything bad, its just moving forward and trying to determine if I am doing things right, I know I am the only one that will know what that is, and nobody else's opinion should impact that, that said I am my own worst critic.

Me and Tami talked about so much, and I dont know what if any of it she shared with others close to her, about how she wanted me to move forward, to carry on, to act going forward. So many things seem so very uncomfortable without her around, and what is so very disturbing at times is the things that are starting to feel comfortable without her. I know that's part of the healing and that is where I am supposed to be headed, but it feels like I am lossing little bits of Tami by becoming independent of her.

So here I am, trying to find myself in this new environment, trying to figure out who I am now, and where I am heading, so tough looking back and seeing all the little forks in the road and where they might have taken you, and looking forward realizing how profound choices are it makes it tough to move, and then when you do, peoples reactions can send you into a head spin just thinking of what might or could happen. It really comes down to being a very daunting task heading out alone.

Isn't it sad...

Isn't it sad the the roots of Chemotherapy can be traced back to the use of Mustard gas used to kill people back in World War I, the fact that we spend so much on military and killing people and we accidentally found out it can help with Cancer, Imagine where we would be if all that money was spent in the War on Cancer. Dont take me wrong, I am not naive, I know that we need a military, that the world is not mature enough to survive without military might, but just take a second to imagine what the collective world powers could do with Cancer if they really tried... nice dream isnt it.

8 months later and I am still kicking... another first down, awaiting the next...

Happy Aniversary Tami...

14 years ago today...

Entering Fall...

So the weekend before last was the Apple Pork Fest in Clinton, me and Tami would go every year, I would usually complain about it but we always went and it was always fun regardless. Luckily this year I was able to trick Deb into going with me, I had asked her a while back if she would help me close the pool. So she came down that same weekend, helped me close the pool and we went and walked around the festival for a while. It was a good time. And that Sunday turned out to be a great day.

Beyond that I have been doing pretty good, keeping busy with the new position at work, and trying to adjust my personal life from eating out every meal to getting back to cooking for myself, which hasn't been easy, or the least bit successful. I am feeling like its about time for another family get-together, maybe a spaghetti night or something.

Its hard to believe its Fall already, that the leaves are turning and that its almost what would have been mine and Tami's 14th anniversary. I did decide to do something special for it. One of Tami's biggest fears is that she would eventually be forgotten or not thought about. It was hard to comfort her and assure her that wouldn't happen. So here we are close to the 14th and it hit me, I always wanted a Tattoo, I never knew of what really, probably something goofy or geeky knowing me, but then it hit me "Nothing Else Matters". It made perfect sense. What better way to make sure everyone knew I would never forget by wearing that on my arm forever. I couldn't think of a better way. So a friend turned me on to "I'm no Angel" in Peoria with an artist named Wanda who had been doing this for 20+ years. Every bit of it was a perfect experience, during the design she knew what wanted better than I did, and she was a funny and all around great person to have given me my first tattoo. Did it hurt? Inside my arm was pretty tender but lets say what Tami went thru for a year and a half makes anything I have did that night pail in comparison.

My mom will probably ground me when she finds out but that's ok, wont be the first time :).

Hello all

Hello blog world, well it's 11pm on a Sunday, probably the worst time of the week, the weekends over, any fun or excitement I had this weekend has dwindled away. Everyone is asleep or heading to bed shortly, the work week is about to take off and I am just alone, so I figured I'd come post more randomness.

I was thinking about this blog the other day, and the fact that I have not changed much about what Tami set up sometime ago when she began her fight. And I was thinking that maybe it would be misleading if someone new came along and started reading it only to see where it is at now.

Now lets say even if I wanted to edit the description of the blog that I could, what would I put, I dont think anything but what Tami wrote fits any better. At first thought you might think that she lost the battle, and certainly she was taken away from me, all of us, but I like to think she won it the only way she could. She beat cancer the only way she could in the fact that it no longer causes her pain or makes her suffer.

I would hope that this blog would give others strength and hope, even though its outcome isn't the best case scenario, sometimes things just dont work out the way we want them to. I know that she has given me so many gifts to move forward in life.

So there you go, some random musings once again, sitting here alone and thinking about everything and nothing at all.

Good Night All, and have a good week...

Patrick Swayze and other random musings....

We lost yet another one, I am sure everyone heard about Patrick Swayze of course. It should just be an eye opener to everyone how deadly and how little we really know about cancer. I still feel bad, when someone mentioned Patrick Swayze way back when, how terrible it was he had cancer, and I would say something like I wish we had all his money to deal with it, it didn't help him, and after his TV special when he talked about his ordeal and how it mirrored Tami's I knew that money doesn't buy love, or life.

Fun Patrick Swayze Memory

So I'm doin pretty good, I feel like I really mad a big turn at 6 months, as well as some things I have read and just all the self-reflection my free time allows. The big thing is what do I want to do with this part of my life, dwell on sadness or turn my attention towards taking what good I can from everything and make a better person out of myself. I think the second one sounds better. That has nothing to do with forgetting Tami or anything like that, that would never happen, but I need to take her advice, and move forward, find people and things to channel myself in. I asked Nancy at work if I could run next year, so next year I will do the Bloomington to Peoria run for St Jude again, I want to be active in the fund raising and make a difference. On that note, Sept 28 is "The Big Day" at all Chilli restaurants, all proceeds from that day go to St Jude's so treat yourself to dinner or lunch that day.

Anyways, as I said I am doin good, work has been hectic, but thats good for me, I made a freind or 2 and its good to talk with someone my age and that can relate to me on an adult level, not that I would trade my discussion of the Bloomington sewage treatment plant with McKayla and Korban for the world, but you know, a freind is a nice thing to have.

You also might have noticed I am not updating every weekend, I am trying to break my cycles, to do things when I feel like it, not because I scheduled it. Anyways, thanks to everyone that stops by and leaves a comment of support, its all really appreciated even still.