Sunday, February 28, 2010

One Year

Before Tami passed away, she told me that she wanted me to continue this blog for 1 year after she passed away. Even then she knew what I might need going forward, and even then as always she was looking after everyone more than even herself. It's been nice to have another place to just say things, put them down in text, get them out of my head. Maybe she knew how much it helped her that she knew it would help me, and it has, so much so that earlier I was worried about closing this blog that it would be another lose I would have to go through.

After 1 year, I am ready to close this blog, close this chapter and move forward. Never forget, never ever forget, but move forward the way I think Tami would have wanted me to. At least the way she would have wanted me to given the circumstances. A lot of things have changed since me and her talked about the possibilities of the future, some we could have foreseen, some that maybe we didn't. Regardless, I am trying the very best I can to be a better person for all my friends and family.

As for the day itself, it seems pretty weird, parts of this journey seem so fresh like the happened yesterday, and at other times it seems like a million years ago. I honestly am not sure how I made it this far with everything that has happened, or how I am gonna make it any farther with everything still going on. Old freinds have come back into my life, new friends have emerged, the future has its bright spots and yet still has some that are pretty foggy, but I guess that is the same for a lot of people.

I took the day to do something I don't often do, I dwelled on it all, I felt sorry for myself, I didn't take any calls or texts or anything (well I answered one from Sarah, but I didn't want her to worry and I knew she would drive all the way here if I didn't respond). Going forward I am going to continue doing what I have been, using everything I have learned and start working on the future.

I still don't think I am as strong as that woman that climbed out of the hospital bed we had setup for her, and walked over to the couch to be next to me on what would be her last night on this earth. I know that I am stronger than I was before all this happened. I know that I can take something positive out of something horrible and I know that at the very least Tami would be happy for that. Tami would be happy to know her little girl is about to give birth to her first child and that she is already showing signs of being a great mom. Tami would be happy to know that she is reflected in so many aspects of our lives still and that she hasn't been forgotten, and that she cant be because we are all better people for having known her.

Thanks to everyone that has been there for all of us. I hope that I can return the favor at some time in the future, but under better circumstances.

James Blunt - Carry You Home

I am going to leave comments open for about a week, then I will lock down the blog and back it up just in case Google ever decides to purge inactive blogs.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Almost a year

Hard to believe its almost been a year, doesn't seem real some days, at times I have to convince myself she isn't going to be waiting at home for me. Things just keep moving forward, that part of my life is frozen back then, but everything around me just pushes on, sometimes making me feel like I have been left behind.

I think I have a lot to look forward to, and I think I have learned a lot about myself, and about people, who will stick by me when they say they are going to, and those that maybe not so much. I didn't expect anything special, but I got a couple special people in my life now. Its a great feeling to have someone to count on, who knows where everything will go in the coming days, months, years...

Thanks to those of you that where there when I didn't know I needed you, and left me alone when I didn't need you there (but I always knew you were there if I reached out). 8 more days, and I will close this blog... its hard to put into words what that means, at times it was like a open wound, other times it was like memories trapped here forever for me to hold on to...

Thought a lot about what my last post will be like, at first i thought short and sweet, then i thought different... I dont know, we will just see how Feb 28th, 2010 goes.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009.... glad to see you go

I dunno what to say about this year, I mean on so many levels it sucked, and continued to suck right up until now. I was lucky enough to get a wonderful christmas gift from my employer of 13 years as I was part of a reduction in workforce a week before the 25th. I was in shock, but now I think if a company can do that to someone, and not just me, that close to Christmas, then I don't think I need to be there anymore. Funny thing is Tami called it, she told me that if anything happens to her that I should get out of there... I can her her saying "told you so, didn't I". So I look towards 2010 to hopefully bigger and better things.

Dont get me wrong, there have been small moments of okayness in '09, but all the badness seems out weight all of it. I just have to point my nose forward towards 2010 and hope for smoother sailing. I wont forget things in the past that I have been through, but I think its my turn to have a little positive come about. I know I have to work hard to make it happen, and I will... but I need my luck to change to... enough of this "if it can go wrong it will", time to move forward on many fronts.

I have things to look forward to, personal projects, new and old friends coming into my life, a new job... I am moving forward... I will come out of this okay, 2010 will be my year or I will die trying ;)

See you all next year! :) Happy New Year..... gawd I hope so...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The holidays... they suck rocks

I love Christmas, love love love it, I know people bitch about the costs, the busy stores, the cold weather, etc, but I love it... I love putting up lights, the tree decorations, making cookies with the kids, all of it. But this year its a little tougher, the Christmas movies with the sappy moments are impossible for me to watch right now, I can only do a little bit at a time, its hard to dress up the house for me a couple dogs and a cat.

I think I have pushed myself pretty hard to move forward, and its all rushing back on me now. I think I stepped places I wasn't ready to step yet, but I am always pushing myself harder than I should, putting higher expectations up for myself than I do others. I am trying to pull the reins in a little and focus on myself, something I am not good at, its tough cuz I dont think everyone gets that, I mean get the token "I lost someone too, I know what its like" but really I dont know how it is for them, they dont know how it is for me.

Thanksgiving went well, better than I expected, I managed to make Tami's stuffing, it was a little too moist and over seasoned, but I saw people go back for seconds, whether they were pitty seconds I dont know, I doubt it though. Everything went well though. I had a good time, I think the kids did as well. I got to hold 2 babies at once while everyone else ate, 2 babies that Nana never got to old, and I feel horribly guilty about that... and I hope nobody saw my eyes get a little juicy, I moved alot so I dont think anyone noticed...

I started Christmas shopping, each year it seems we gain more grandbabies, and each year money is spread a little thinner, this year doubly so, I'm not complaining, besides the fact I would like to buy everyone everything they want, but I am thinking I will have to be pretty skimpy, I know its not the amount you buy or spend, but I always like watching the kids open up presents, and the more they have to open the longer they stay at the house...

I still dont know how I am gonna make it thru the next couple months, sometimes I feel like I am having trouble breathing, I can feel myself stressed beyond belief, I stop communicating mid conversation just cuz I ball up on the couch, and they get mad at me, but there is nothing I can do, I gotta do what I gotta do or I wont make it through Christmas Eve alone... New years Eve alone, I have to, I have to do this year alone so maybe next year I can do them with someone...

PS, if you noticed you have to log in to leave a comment now, sorry but someone was hitting older posts with spam so I had to do it.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Citizen Norm

So today I went for my Interview for Citizenship in Chicago, and I am now unofficially an American Citizen, I still have to go for my ceremony in Springfield the next time the do one, but my application was approved today. It's a little bittersweet, like everything else, I know it was important to Tami that I get that done, and I did, but she wasn't here to see it. It's nice to have another thing off the worry list though, specially this time of year.

Next up? Thanksgiving dinner... ack! It hit me a couple days ago that I have to pull all this together with out her, I was always a gopher and she was the planner, now I have to do both, means cooking stuff I don't even eat, and I have to sit down with Tami's instructional video we made last year on how to make her stuffing. I am sure everything will be fine, as fine as it can be, but its just another one of those firsts to bust through.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Here we are...

It's still so surreal everyday, everything that happens to me, everything I go thru, good and bad. Here I am closing in on 9 months, Tami's Birthday, Thanksgiving. Just when I think everything is going fine it all hits me all over again. I guess the toughest thing for me now is over analyzing myself, questioning my actions, judging myself. It's not like I am doing anything bad, its just moving forward and trying to determine if I am doing things right, I know I am the only one that will know what that is, and nobody else's opinion should impact that, that said I am my own worst critic.

Me and Tami talked about so much, and I dont know what if any of it she shared with others close to her, about how she wanted me to move forward, to carry on, to act going forward. So many things seem so very uncomfortable without her around, and what is so very disturbing at times is the things that are starting to feel comfortable without her. I know that's part of the healing and that is where I am supposed to be headed, but it feels like I am lossing little bits of Tami by becoming independent of her.

So here I am, trying to find myself in this new environment, trying to figure out who I am now, and where I am heading, so tough looking back and seeing all the little forks in the road and where they might have taken you, and looking forward realizing how profound choices are it makes it tough to move, and then when you do, peoples reactions can send you into a head spin just thinking of what might or could happen. It really comes down to being a very daunting task heading out alone.