6 months...

So for those of you not on my Facebook, here is a link to a little video I put together.

Tribute to Tami

As well, here is a link to the Kenny Wallace Fan car he ran in Montreal this weekend, I had Tami's name put on there, and she ended up top row, almost in the middle on the hood, pretty cool.

Kenny Wallace Fan Car

So here we are at 6 months, it still boggles my mind that we are, one, even here doing this, two that I have been doing it for 6 months. I really braced myself for the 28th. I mean really prepped myself for the worst. I was kinda down most of the week, then come Friday morning, I woke up to a gloomy rainy day and thought, Tami would be pissed that I am giving this day any credit at all, and she would be right. It's tough not to count, but then I am doing what she told me not to do, and that is to keep living in cancer.

I feel like I might have turned a corner Friday, of course soon as I say that I will be curled up in the corner in the fetal position, but right now I feel like I want to move forward, I want to start living with the tings I learned from this whole experience, to take what good is possible out of this and make myself a better person. That doesn't mean I stop thinking about, loving or remembering Tami. Heck I will never stop loving Tami, anyone that might come into my life in the future will have to accept that, and to be honest I wouldn't want any friends in my life that couldn't understand and/or accept that. I am who I am today because of Tami, nothing can change that now.

So I think I want to move forward, stop letting cancer have anymore of my life, remember the good and happy times me and Tami shared, open myself to enjoy good and happy times now, and create good and happy times for my freinds and family. Tami beat cancer, not how she wanted to, she would have rather beat it and stayed with all of us, but that wasn't in the cards, and she beat it the only way she could. She doesn't have cancer anymore, she isn't in pain, or taking poison, she beat cancer.

I want to continue to honor Tami when and where I can, I think the best way to do that now is to show how much of a better person I am having known her. I learned so much about myself, good and bad, and I hope to make sure I remember all those lessons going forward.

Inspired

So Liz's response to my last post has inspired me to thank some people that either I haven't taken the time to, haven't had a chance to, or haven't thanked enough. Now this is just a partial list, and by no means could I thank everyone that help me and Tami out in one blog post. As well, this isn't in any order nor is it meant to say anyone was more appreciated than anyone else, so no hurt feelings if I dont include you, anyone that did anything, from a simple card to whatever has my thanks and gratitude for life, I'm just not good and following thru on these things, so I am gonna give it a shot today, why now, cuz I rather not focus on the coming week.

So Liz Hunter, I am gonna start with you as you inspired this post. I know how much you meant to Tami how much of a freind you were to her during her treatments. That you two talked alot and shared alot, me and Tami were best friends, and didn't feel the need to have a lot of friends outside of that. That was all well and good when things were fine, but when we started going through all this we found out that friends weren't a bad thing to have. I know that Tami was able to talk with Liz when she needed to talk to someone, and that someone outside the family sometimes has a different perspective, and I knew Tami greatly appreciated this. I know that Liz was a true friend to Tami and that Tami could trust her to be there for her. I found out the hard way that some people that claim to be freinds aren't always as true, but thats for another post. Anyways, as we got near the end Liz was a huge help to both of us, she was there when we needed someone and she did things that I didn't expect of her, and I cant say enough how much I appreciate it. Liz I am not good about returning calls, I haven't ignored one from you, believe it or not I just missed them. I am sorry I haven't talked to you in the past 6 months, you deserve better from me, and I am very grateful that you were in our lives.

My big sisters, Sherry and Deb (actually Tami's sisters but dont tell). Both of you are very different, and were there for us and me in very different ways, but every moment you gave to us was special and I cant thank you both enough for all of it. Deb, your phone calls always brought a smile to my face even at the lowest points. The support you gave me I could never repay in a million years. Sherry, all the times you came down to help Tami, to take her to appointments or near the end to just be with her, I cant explain how much that meant to us, and how much that help not just Tami but me. The trip to Mayo ended crappy but the journey was at least bearable with your love and support. The support you gave not only Tami, but me was so huge I cant put into words what it meant, you didn't have to be there for me, you dont have to be there for me, but you were, and still are and I cant ever thank you enough. The dinners, the trips, the benefit, Grubbyland Candles, all of it. Thank You.

Sarah, my daughter. I dont know what it was, or why, but she was my little girl from the day I met her Feb 7th, 1995. I dont know why or how, and I can look back on the times that things were a little rough, she didn't make it easy for me, trust me. But then again what teenager makes it easy on their parents anyways? I know I made it rough for mine many times. But I dont think I really understood what our relationship had become till all this happened with her mom. She was there for me as much as she was for her mom, she allowed me the honor of walking her down the asile at her wedding, when I needed someone to talk to she was and is there for me, when I needed it she shows me tough love, I always worried that I would never feel that unconditional love you have with a child, because I was just a step father, she proved me wrong on that, that I could make mistakes and she wouldn't disown me, that I am her father, and she is my daughter. I dont know how I would have made it through these past few months without her around. And I cant thank her enough for all she has done for me, and for being Sarah.

Nancy Hoover, Nancy is a character, I need only tell the story of my first encounter with her at OSP, remember Nancy? The phone call you had me make? yeah, no worries I wont go into it. Tami loved Nancy since the time they started talkin after Tami started making candles, they became friends, and when all this began, Nancy was a big help were she could be. Anytime anything went on at work, after Tami made sure I was okay, she would always ask about Nancy. I know that Nancy did a lot to help us out where she could and that she talked with Tami quite a bit as well. Nancy also came over to stay with Tami in the end, and I know how much Tami appreciated everything you did for us. I hide a lot of stuff from OSP, saying things were going okay when they might not have been as okay as I let on, but in the end Nancy really helped us out, and even now keeps on trying to help, and I am still as stubborn as ever, luckily Nancy has got me beat on the stubborn front.

Vicki Maurer, I hope I spelled her last name right. Vicki works with Dr Benson at Northwestern in Chicago. Now anyone that knows me, knows how critical I am of medical personnel, nurses, doctors, etc. There are many that we encountered that I would not take my dogs to if there was an emergency. That is not to say there weren't good, great people out there as well. Vicki was great, if not the greatest person we came across. Its hard to find light in the darkness of chemo treatments, but Vicki made them bearable, she made herself available for us anytime, even when we called with a problem or request she did her very best to make those requests happen. I wish I had never met anyone in this cancer field, but because I had to, I am glad that Vicki was part of that. And I stand by one of my last statements to Dr Benson, she deserves a big fat raise. I pray that no one has to go thru what we have gone thru, but I know the fact is that some will. If you are lucky, you will have an angel like Vicki taking care of you or your loved one. One day I will get back up there and thank her in person.

Mom & Dad, everyone expects their parents to do everything they can for you, not everyone has parents that will. I do, they have been nothing but perfect thru everything I have been thru, not just for me, their son, but Tami as well. I know Tami felt loved, and that Tami felt as if they were her parents as well. In the last 2 years, they came down a total of 3 times from Canada to help us out, the last time at little more than a moments notice to be here for me and Tami when she slipped away. Tami got her favorite mom meal just days before she passed away, and I can imagine having been alone in the days after. I dont thank my parents enough, but they dont do it for the thanks, they just do it because that's who they are. If I am half the man my dad is, I'll be doin okay in life.

There was so many more people I could and will thank in time, this is just a small list of those people, and I hope people see this for just that, and that if I didnt list you yet, that your help is not appreciated.

This will be a tough week, everyone tells me not to count the days, or mark the dates, I cant help it, it just pops up.

As a side note, and at the risk of sounding a little crazy, I think I heard Tami on Saturday night, just a word, but I think it was her. Least that's my story, and I am sticking with it...

Busy Weekend

SO we managed to celebrate 3 birthdays this weekend, it was Kj's, Mckayla's and Skylar's. I had a cookout at the house and everybody managed to show up and it was a good time, least I had a good time, I am still having a lot of trouble though, when I get by myself, it just seems to eat me up. If I can keep busy I do ok, but even then its not a fail safe, the gym is even starting to wear off as a good distractions, I aint stopping though I feel good physically going, but I need to work on my iPod and make a good workout mix, I will be doing good and James Blunt will come on and punch me in the stomach.

So the depression is been tough, I still not sure why though, I mean maybe it's the 6 months thing, I dont know, maybe it just feels like everyone is moving forward, and I dont know how to. I mean so many things have changed around me in 6 months, maybe some have just gone back to normal and I still dont know what normal is. I miss having everyone around, and I used to have alot more visits when Tami was still here, now its just me somedays and it gets lonely.

These birthdays just mark the beginning of a tough up and coming 6 months, more birthdays, Tami's birthday, my birthday, anniversary, etc...

Only 6 more months of updates here too, It's going to feel weird when I dont update here anymore, Tami's wishes were for me to continue this blog for a year. Which reminds me, 10 days and it will have been 2 years since Tami was diagnosed. She fought so much harder than she was allowed to live for, I cant even put into words for those of you who haven't been around 24/7 someone battling something so harsh. I am still very proud of her, and hope that she was truely proud of me.

I miss her a lot.

Nickelback - Never Gonna Be Alone

I remember the night, the moment, the very second, the look and the tears when I shared this song with Tami.

Loneliness - Revisited

Ok, I think maybe I might have mislead or not communicated well enough, imaging that :).

I have alot of good people to talk to, and many many people have made themselves available to me any time I need them, so many in fact I probably have people that think I am avoiding them. Sarah, had been amazing, and I am probably driving her nuts, or at the very least worrying her non stop (I think she is on to me, that I say I am ok no matter what is going on, I am always ok, cuz I don't want to burden anyone else, specially my family). So, its not so much that I don't have people near and dear, its that I dont have that one person. You can talk to a lot of people about alot of things, you can talk to one person about everything, and that person is gone for me. That leaves a huge void in my life, things I would have talked to her about, things I would have asked her opinion on, moments when she would have smacked me upside the head and told me to quit sweating the small stuff. I don't have that anymore. The fact that I found someone like that, based on the odds on how we met make me dizzy just thinking about it. We meshed like a couple puzzle pieces, although sometimes we got put together backwards :).

Next time your spouse goes away for a weekend, or a day, imagine its +5 months and they aren't coming back anytime soon. That's where I am right now, and we are closing in on 6 monts fast. Next weekend is all the August birthdays... its just overwhelming sometimes, and add in drama, frustration, life's general bumps and pot holes, and half the time I think I just wanna go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare. I have to keep reminding me the things that are still good in my life and focus on that. I hope I will be happy again, its just tough to see where to go to get there.

Loneliness

Loneliness sucks let me tell you the last few days it has been eating me alive, I had been doing pretty good for awhile now, actually enjoying myself, going out, eating, watching a movie, whatever by myself. Then for whatever reason, about Thursday last week I got hammered, and still trying to pull myself out of this depressed funk, its horrible when it hits, I just want to curl inside up in the fetal position in the corner, or go to sleep and hope I don't wake up. I dread the weekends only to spend the last half of the weekends dreading going to work and the usual grind. I cant even describe what it feels like, and if you know what it feels like I feel bad for you. It's like carrying around a weight all day long, its, well, just horrible.

Even talking about it right now makes me cringe, I can feel it creep up on me even more, the radio will have to go on sleep timer tonight or I will be staring at the ceiling for 2 hours. I stood at Kristi's on the way home tonight just jabbering about nothing just cuz its a distraction, I guess I am missing the mindless conversation you have with someone your close with, and I just have nothing right now to fill that void, I can fill everything else, well almost everything but those nights just talking with Tami, gawd I miss that, I mean yeah I know I can talk right now, but nobody answers, its so frustrating. They need a chat line where I can just have someone ramble on about stuff, everyday stuff and I can just sit there and listen, yeah I know it sounds stupid, but I miss listening.

I guess I will have to settle for the distractions for now, bugging people around me, kicking my ass at the gym, sleeping... I dont know what else to do in these funks... I keep waking up, so not much else I can do.

Doesn't help I came to the realization that the 6 month mark of Tami's passing will also be the 2 year mark of her diagnosis, almost to the day... w.t.f...