One Year

Before Tami passed away, she told me that she wanted me to continue this blog for 1 year after she passed away. Even then she knew what I might need going forward, and even then as always she was looking after everyone more than even herself. It's been nice to have another place to just say things, put them down in text, get them out of my head. Maybe she knew how much it helped her that she knew it would help me, and it has, so much so that earlier I was worried about closing this blog that it would be another lose I would have to go through.

After 1 year, I am ready to close this blog, close this chapter and move forward. Never forget, never ever forget, but move forward the way I think Tami would have wanted me to. At least the way she would have wanted me to given the circumstances. A lot of things have changed since me and her talked about the possibilities of the future, some we could have foreseen, some that maybe we didn't. Regardless, I am trying the very best I can to be a better person for all my friends and family.

As for the day itself, it seems pretty weird, parts of this journey seem so fresh like the happened yesterday, and at other times it seems like a million years ago. I honestly am not sure how I made it this far with everything that has happened, or how I am gonna make it any farther with everything still going on. Old freinds have come back into my life, new friends have emerged, the future has its bright spots and yet still has some that are pretty foggy, but I guess that is the same for a lot of people.

I took the day to do something I don't often do, I dwelled on it all, I felt sorry for myself, I didn't take any calls or texts or anything (well I answered one from Sarah, but I didn't want her to worry and I knew she would drive all the way here if I didn't respond). Going forward I am going to continue doing what I have been, using everything I have learned and start working on the future.

I still don't think I am as strong as that woman that climbed out of the hospital bed we had setup for her, and walked over to the couch to be next to me on what would be her last night on this earth. I know that I am stronger than I was before all this happened. I know that I can take something positive out of something horrible and I know that at the very least Tami would be happy for that. Tami would be happy to know her little girl is about to give birth to her first child and that she is already showing signs of being a great mom. Tami would be happy to know that she is reflected in so many aspects of our lives still and that she hasn't been forgotten, and that she cant be because we are all better people for having known her.

Thanks to everyone that has been there for all of us. I hope that I can return the favor at some time in the future, but under better circumstances.

James Blunt - Carry You Home




I am going to leave comments open for about a week, then I will lock down the blog and back it up just in case Google ever decides to purge inactive blogs.

Almost a year

Hard to believe its almost been a year, doesn't seem real some days, at times I have to convince myself she isn't going to be waiting at home for me. Things just keep moving forward, that part of my life is frozen back then, but everything around me just pushes on, sometimes making me feel like I have been left behind.

I think I have a lot to look forward to, and I think I have learned a lot about myself, and about people, who will stick by me when they say they are going to, and those that maybe not so much. I didn't expect anything special, but I got a couple special people in my life now. Its a great feeling to have someone to count on, who knows where everything will go in the coming days, months, years...

Thanks to those of you that where there when I didn't know I needed you, and left me alone when I didn't need you there (but I always knew you were there if I reached out). 8 more days, and I will close this blog... its hard to put into words what that means, at times it was like a open wound, other times it was like memories trapped here forever for me to hold on to...

Thought a lot about what my last post will be like, at first i thought short and sweet, then i thought different... I dont know, we will just see how Feb 28th, 2010 goes.